Husband struggling in Poly Relationship

B

Blue1993

New member
Hey guys, I've read a lot of articles on here, and I've seen some wonderful advice.

Let me start off with this. My wife and I have been together for 10 years. She told me from the get-go that she liked girls, that she is bisexual and whatnot, and I told her that was okay. We slowly opened our relationship to ethical non-monogamy, keeping it casual with just sexual partners, at first together, then, as I became more comfortable, without each other around.

We talked a few years ago about opening up to her dating. I thought I would be okay with it, and for the last few months she has been seeing what she has called her first boyfriend in our relationship. Intimately, I am still monogamous.

The first month of her seeing this guy was okay. We had lots of talks about things. But as the relationship has settled in, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with it all. I've tried dealing with jealous thoughts, anxiety, and the ever-present thought of "I wonder what they're talking about" every time I know they're texting. She still gives me attention. She has assured me I am her primary partner and always will be, that she loves me very deeply.

But where I'm struggling is, while I believe her, I still feel the anxiety, insecurities, and jealousy. How am I supposed to handle this? She's told me that if I don't want to be a part of this, I can tell her and she'll end her journey. But I don't want to upset my wife, or make her feel like I forced her to be something she may not be, which is mono. This is an exploration thing for her, and I don't want to be the reason she ends it, but I also find myself secretly hoping her partner will decide to end it, since he does seem to be hung up on the fact that she and I are married. Any advice?
 
So we don't end up recommending stuff you've already read, can you let us know if you've worked down the list of jealousy links that Kevin often posts?
 
Evie said:
So we don't end up recommending stuff you've already read, can you let us know if you've worked down the list of jealousy links that Kevin often posts?
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I don't know if I've read Kevin's stuff. I have read articles on other sites, but for all that I've tried with those posts, I can't seem to break the cycle in my head. If you have a link to his posts I would be more than happy to read them.

I want to give her the chance to explore this, but as I said, I am absolutely struggling to feel comfortable and okay with all of this
 
Blue1993 said:
I don't know if I've read Kevin's stuff, I have read articles in other forums on other sites, but for all that I've tried with those posts, I can't seem to break the cycle in my head. If you have a link to his posts I would be more than happy to read them. I want to give her the chance to explore this, but as I said I am absolutely struggling to feel comfortable and okay with all of this
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It sounds like you were fine with FMF threesome sex. That's one of the top male fantasies, so why not?

Now things have changed. Your wife wants to individually date, not women, but men? Or is she interested in real loving relationships with women too? I have found that, as a poly person who appears femme (I am actually non-binary), I am hundreds of times more likely to attract male interest than female interest on dating sites. Maybe your wife found this also. Men are MUCH more aggressive, for pretty obvious reasons.

It sounds like a bit of bait and switch, slippery slope, or a "gateway drug" situation, where you got interested in opening up so you could (make wife happy and) get threeway sex with fresh novel women. But now wife wants a bf, and you feel you can't discuss whether this was actually something you could handle.

The jealousy links will talk about "fear of loss" being the root. Men also almost always fear losing their long-term wives/gfs to other men, who probably have superior penises, sex skills, jobs, cars, looks, etc. Women aren't seen as a threat because they don't have an almighty penis. (Never mind the half dozen dildos and vibrators in the drawer! They don't count, somehow.) Lots of men new to polyamory or ENM try to command a "one penis policy," where "his" female may date other women only, never men. (This is not looked kindly upon by experienced polyamorists, however.)
 
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like you were fine with FMF threesome sex. That's one of the top male fantasies, so why not?

Now things have changed. Your wife wants to individually date, not women, but men? Or is she interested in real loving relationships with women too? I have found that, as a poly person who appears femme (I am actually non-binary), I am hundreds of times more likely to attract male interest than female interest on dating sites. Maybe your wife found this also. Men are MUCH more aggressive, for pretty obvious reasons.

It sounds like a bit of bait and switch, slippery slope, or a "gateway drug" situation, where you got interested in opening up so you could (make wife happy and) get threeway sex with fresh novel women. But now wife wants a bf, and you feel you can't discuss whether this was actually something you could handle.

The jealousy links will talk about "fear of loss" being the root. Men also almost always fear losing their long-term wives/gfs to other men, who probably have superior penises, sex skills, jobs, cars, looks, etc. Women aren't seen as a threat because they don't have an almighty penis. (Never mind the half dozen dildos and vibrators in the drawer! They don't count, somehow.) Lots of men new to polyamory or ENM try to command a "one penis policy," where "his" female may date other women only, never men. (This is not looked kindly upon by experienced polyamorists, however.)
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So I guess I wasn't very specific about that part. When we opened up to ENM, we began to share couples, and also get involved in FMM threesomes as well. The thing I've struggled with is that I was comfortable there, but once it came to romantic attachments, that's where I get scared.
 
Hey Blue. Welcome to the forum.


Blue1993 said:
I guess I wasn't very specific about that part. When we opened up to ENM, we began by sharing couples, and also get involved in FMM threesomes. The thing I've struggled with is that I was comfortable there, but once it came to romantic attachments, that's where I get scared.
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What you’re describing sounds to me like swinging, which is a team sport, with a core rule to protect the team and to compartmentalize sex as physical recreation. PolyAMORY is an individual sport. It also has a high component of physical recreation, but there isn’t a walling-off of romantic attachment. In fact, it’s encouraged, or a core principle.

The mental hurdle for you is to realize the old marriage is now dead. Grieve the loss, throw out the old expectations of control, and understand this new dynamic is being built where the old one stood, with some of the salvaged materials.

Read up on detangling, if you haven’t already.
 
This is the wife. I love some of your advice, but from my aspect, the old relationship isn't dead, but changed. It's more about discovery than the person I'm dating themselves. At this point, some mild feelings for another, but nothing past curiosity.

I don't want a new partner to fix things, or get something that's missing. It's about healing the wounds I got growing up. The lack of love I've had has made it. So I over-compensate with emotional attachment. It's not always healthy. I also feel the guy blatantly stating he wouldn't try to get along with husband.

That's one reason I ended it. The other is, I value my husband's opinions and his advice and feelings. In my opinion, if my partner doesn't agree with the person or the relationship that's it. He's my soul my world my love. It's more of expressing a part of myself, or exploring a part that's been suppressed shamed or judged in some way or form. I've learned that the only way to grow, to heal for a relationship is being able to accept and love yourself, all parts, even if it isn't a part that lasts. It's not easy, on my end, as I don't feel for very many people. But when I do, it gets confusing, because I've never gotten to figure it out. For all I know, I could be self-sabotaging again, like I've done before. He's willing to let me see.
 
But where I'm struggling is, while I believe her, I still feel the anxiety, insecurities, and jealousy.
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The thing I've struggled with is that I was comfortable there, but once it came to romantic attachments, that's where I get scared.
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I see that you feel anxious, insecure, jealous, and scared.

Are you able to articulate what causes these feelings? Behaviors done or not done? Thoughts you think? Is it loss of love or being loved less? Loss of romantic exclusivity? Like, you were okay with more than one sex partner, but you wanted to be the only romantic partner? Over time, no longer being primary or changing to a co-primary model? Breaking up? Something else?

She's told me that if I don't want to be a part of this, I can tell her and she'll end her journey.
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Presumably she doesn't offer things she cannot deliver.

It's only been a few months. While a certain amount of growing pains is normal, if you are going way out of your comfort zone, you may have to take a pause to reflect on why you are even doing this, and if this aligns with your values.

But I don't want to upset my wife, or make her feel like I forced her to be something she may not be, which is mono.
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But it is okay for you to upset yourself, or force yourself to do things?

Why are you responsible for your wife feeling this or that? Do you have good emotional boundaries?

You don't have to force yourself to do things you don't want. She doesn't have to do things she doesn't want, either.

If you want to stop, and she wants to keep exploring polyamory, you two may have to accept you have become incompatible over time. She doesn't have to go back to monogamy if she doesn't want to. You two could part ways so you are free from polyamory things you do not want, and she is free to pursue polyamory things she does want.

Is that the big fear? Breaking up?

If you can avail yourself, maybe you want to work with a poly-friendly counselor during this transition time so you have more support.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

You could also put a time limit on this transition period, maybe 6 mos, 12 mos -- whatever you two pick. If things aren't any better by then, you make the call. The growing pains of getting used to something new is one thing. Bending yourself into pretzels by abandoning yourself/your core values is another.

Galagirl
 
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Hello rubysky28,

Welcome to our forum. Your description makes sense. You need to get some healing from the past, there is nothing wrong with that. I am glad you could join us, let us know if you have any questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Blue1993 said:
So I guess I wasn't very specific about that part. When we opened up to ENM, we began to share couples, and also get involved in FMM threesomes as well. The thing I've struggled with is that I was comfortable there, but once it came to romantic attachments, that's where I get scared.
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Thanks for explaining.

It sounds like you need to get into practicing Non-Violent Communication with your wife. (You can google that for articles and books.) You don't seem to be on the same page. Active listening should help. That's something that you can do as a couple.

What she has just shared was, as I read it, that she has/had only "mild curiosity" for another guy, but perhaps has issues from her childhood leading to her becoming "overly attached." You fear her falling in love with someone else, and catastrophizing that if she does, she will leave you. Is that right? These two things are each individual issues for you to work on within yourselves. Make sense? If you approach an open marriage or polyamory from a place of health and balance, you'll succeed. If you two do it as a way to compensate for your childhood hurts and training, your experiences with others will not go well, or last, and everyone will just end up more hurt.
 
Hello, and welcome both.
To me it sounds like inevitable growing pains. Nothing actually terribly wrong -- except the necessary shift of mind from mono to poly has not yet happened. Which is fine, take time

In poly we accept that we are unique to our partners, but we are not the only ones. If you were (as rubysky puts it) "my soul, my world, my love" for each other? Once you poly-date, you can still mean the world to each other, love dearly and plan life together, but each of you should have their own heart and soul - so that you can share it with multiple partners. You need a little more authonomy, a little more privacy.

There is room for growth, and there is something to mourn. I do believe that transitioning from mono to poly always involves a significant loss. Now, there can be significant gains as well, of course. But there's no workaround to the fact that polyamory always means a transformation much deeper than you anticipated.
 
Hey Ruby, also welcome to the forum

rubysky28 said:
This is the wife. I love some of your advice, but from my aspect, the old relationship isn't dead, but changed.
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You have to realize that was meant in the broadest, most general sense, to the widest-possible audience and admittedly, one size doesn’t fit all. That said, when significant structural change occurs in a marriage, it might be better to acknowledge the old is gone and not coming back, and get on with building the new.
rubysky28 said:
It's more about discovery than the person I'm dating themselves. At this point, some mild feelings for another, but nothing past curiosity.
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Let’s talk when heavy NRE is in bloom and I love you’s or soulmates stuff have been exchanged, you might start seeing this differently. And again, this is all on your side of the coin, not on Blue's.

rubysky28 said:
I don't want a new partner to fix things, or get something that's missing. It's about healing the wounds I got growing up. The lack of love I've had has made it. So I over-compensate with emotional attachment. It's not always healthy.
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Everyone has their own motivations and logic for why or how they want to build their romantic structures, but within that, behaviors and consequences occur. Communication is not always words. Loads of things are being communicated all the time, some all at once, having a consistent message across all channels, all the time, helps control expectations.

rubysky28 said:
I also feel the guy blatantly stating he wouldn't try to get along with husband.
That's one reason I ended it. The other is, I value my husband's opinions and his advice and feelings. In my opinion, if my partner doesn't agree with the person or the relationship that's it. He's my soul my world my love. It's more of expressing a part of myself, or exploring a part that's been suppressed shamed or judged in some way or form. I've learned that the only way to grow, to heal for a relationship is being able to accept and love yourself, all parts, even if it isn't a part that lasts. It's not easy, on my end, as I don't feel for very many people. But when I do, it gets confusing, because I've never gotten to figure it out. For all I know, I could be self-sabotaging again, like I've done before. He's willing to let me see.
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Just as I advised Blue to look into detangling, I’m going to suggest to you that exploring and expressing yourself is going to come at a cost. The deeper the relationship or relationships with people outside your, marriage the higher the cost. Those costs will generally be in finite resources because those resources are zero sum-- time, energy, attention, money.

With that there's generally an emotional cost, as well. Just because there are these costs doesn’t mean there aren’t good/great/amazing benefits on the other side of the coin. It just means when people look back and see the new relationship or marriage dynamic vs the old, it’s like saving a wall of a lake house to be grandfathered into the zoning restrictions. To be closer to the water, the new structure and footprint looks nothing like the original.
 
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