lovinhimloviner
New member
Okay, I can understand that. Thank you for pointing that out.
Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable
- Thread starter lovinhimloviner
- Start date
Okay, I can understand that. Thank you for pointing that out.
redpepper
Active member
I think this needs some time. You are right on the money staying close to her. I don't think it's wise to get overly involved in their dynamic, but it's best to keep on her good side.
The whole camming thing is a bit much, but eventually they will both become bored with it, I think. All these kind of weird things have a way of either working themselves out, or showing up to be stranger than is comfortable, and then warranting changes to be made.
The whole camming thing is a bit much, but eventually they will both become bored with it, I think. All these kind of weird things have a way of either working themselves out, or showing up to be stranger than is comfortable, and then warranting changes to be made.
lovinhimloviner
New member
**update**
Harland and Meg had a nice long talk about everything. We will see if any of it helps. I hope so. They both care so much for each other. I think what they both have to figure out is how much effort the relationship is worth. It will take a lot of work, just like any other relationship.
I am starting to see how much more work it is when adding a monogamous person to a polyamorous couple. I guess I'd always assumed that if one of us fell in love, it would be with someone who didn't or wouldn't have any major problems with it. Well, you know what they say-- When You Assume, You Make An “Ass” out of “U” and “Me”.
Harland and Meg had a nice long talk about everything. We will see if any of it helps. I hope so. They both care so much for each other. I think what they both have to figure out is how much effort the relationship is worth. It will take a lot of work, just like any other relationship.
I am starting to see how much more work it is when adding a monogamous person to a polyamorous couple. I guess I'd always assumed that if one of us fell in love, it would be with someone who didn't or wouldn't have any major problems with it. Well, you know what they say-- When You Assume, You Make An “Ass” out of “U” and “Me”.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
It's an unfortunate myth that using condoms will keep you safe.
I have always used condoms in every relationship until everyone passed their tests. And then six months ago, I got an abnormal pap smear.
Several hours of research later, I learned that HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) can be passed on when using condoms, and it's not covered by standard STD testing. In most places, you can't even get access to an HPV test if you want to test for it specifically. Until you get an abnormal pap smear, HPV is completely asymptomatic (unlike herpes, which can be transmitted with condoms, but usually gives you a visual indicator you're infected).
In fact, over 90% of sexually-active adults have had HPV at some point in their lives, and up to 70% of adults have it at any given time. In most cases, the body treats it like any other viral infection, like a cold or flu, and you're all better in no time. But in some cases, it sticks around and can cause cervical cancer.
Don't get me wrong-- I'm obviously not saying that using condoms is pointless. They still do a great job at preventing HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and babies. But don't think that using condoms will completely protect either you or your partners. And don't assume that because your STD test comes back clean, that you don't have any sexually-transmittable infections.
So unless you and your spouse both subscribe to no-sex-before-monogamous-marriage, then you're always at risk of transmitting something to anyone you have sex with, or having them transmit it to you.
Bottom line: any time you're having sex with multiple people, you're at risk of infecting everyone in the network.
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TL4everu2
New member
lovinhimloviner
New member
This is a good reason for everyone to be able to have a chance to have their thoughts considered when one of us wants to have sex outside of the "family" dynamic.
AutumnalTone
New member
Let her take responsibility for her own issues. That's not your problem to solve.
lovinhimloviner
New member
Do you guys ever just feel sad about everything for no reason? I am sure there is a reason. I just don't know what it is. Maybe it is because Meg doesn't want him to practice a swinger lifestyle anymore. I don't have a problem with that. It is her reasoning that bothers me. She said if he has her, and still wants to have sex with someone else, then it has to mean that she isn't enough for him. To me, that feels like she is saying that she thinks I must not be enough for him, because he is with her. I know this is irrational. I don't usually feel like this. Harlan is here with me and tells me all the time that he loves me and I am beautiful. He shows me how much he cares about me constantly. I have no idea what my problem is.
I have a convention to go to in a couple of weeks and will be out of town for three days. Meg said she would come stay with him while I am gone. I was excited about it. I was happy for him that she is finally wanting to come be with him. He can't go to her place, so the only other option is a hotel. With 4 kids, we can't afford for them to that very often.
She said it is to hard for him to come pick her up for a couple hours to hang out, because it isn't enough time, and she would be sad when he left. I understand this is all new to her, but it is new for us too. It hurts my feelings a little that she doesn't want to come here when I am here, but she will come here if I am out of town.
I will talk to her about this later. I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.
I have a convention to go to in a couple of weeks and will be out of town for three days. Meg said she would come stay with him while I am gone. I was excited about it. I was happy for him that she is finally wanting to come be with him. He can't go to her place, so the only other option is a hotel. With 4 kids, we can't afford for them to that very often.
She said it is to hard for him to come pick her up for a couple hours to hang out, because it isn't enough time, and she would be sad when he left. I understand this is all new to her, but it is new for us too. It hurts my feelings a little that she doesn't want to come here when I am here, but she will come here if I am out of town.
I will talk to her about this later. I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Just a quick and not necessarily correct assessment:
Meg is attempting to create a false reality to cope with her relationship. That much is clear. She is looking for something more than Harlan can give her, but trying to capture it in little moments, such as when you are not around.
She is struggling to find a way to be with him. She either really really loves him, or is not ready to find someone that better suits the way she wants love expressed to her. My guess is she wants exclusivity. I doubt she is a "cowgirl," but also doubt she is healthy at the moment.
She's going to have to confront what she wants from a serious relationship, and express it. You and Harlan need to do the same. If he is going to remain open/polyamorous/a swinger, and want to explore relationships or sex with other women, he needs to be upfront about that, so Meg can make a solid decision. What he decides will affect you, as well.
The compromise that Redpepper has made to be with me has also impacted what she gets to experience with PN in many ways. You have to be prepared for that.
Stay true to yourself.
Meg is attempting to create a false reality to cope with her relationship. That much is clear. She is looking for something more than Harlan can give her, but trying to capture it in little moments, such as when you are not around.
She is struggling to find a way to be with him. She either really really loves him, or is not ready to find someone that better suits the way she wants love expressed to her. My guess is she wants exclusivity. I doubt she is a "cowgirl," but also doubt she is healthy at the moment.
She's going to have to confront what she wants from a serious relationship, and express it. You and Harlan need to do the same. If he is going to remain open/polyamorous/a swinger, and want to explore relationships or sex with other women, he needs to be upfront about that, so Meg can make a solid decision. What he decides will affect you, as well.
The compromise that Redpepper has made to be with me has also impacted what she gets to experience with PN in many ways. You have to be prepared for that.
Stay true to yourself.
When I am experiencing some emotion (sadness, fear, joy, whatever) and I cannot identify why, here's what I do. I find a quiet spot. Get comfortable. Breathe. I consciously give myself permission to be honest. I ask myself why I'm feeling ___, and then wait patiently for the answer. This almost never fails for me.
lovinhimloviner
New member
I noticed something tonight. Meg was on webcam and so was I. We watched a show together. We talked and laughed. We had a really good time talking about everything. When Harlan got online he turned his cam on and started watching hers. She saw him and got so sad. It has been a couple of weeks since they have been able to see each other. I noticed there was no more laughing and smiling. You could see the pain on her face from being away from him so long. I was so sad. We started talking about what she was feeling and we both cried. While it was a sad night, it was a healing one, as well.
lovinhimloviner
New member
I sat alone the other night trying to figure out what my problem was. I figured it out. But then I didn't know how to go about telling Harlan. Since this is something that I have kept bottled up inside for quite sometime now, I wasn't sure if it was something I would ever be able to tell him. I have never told anyone, too scared that it would change my life, and Harlan wouldn't understand. It is about 4:30 in the morning now and I can't sleep. There is too much going on in my head.
When I went to bed tonight it was weighing heavy on me. Harlan could tell something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong and I pulled the "Nothing, baby" card. He didn't buy it at all. He kept pressing.
I wanted to tell him so badly. I just had no idea how to go about telling him I had serious feelings for his/our best friend, and had for a long time. After telling him how much I loved him, and how I was afraid if I told him what was wrong with me that he might feel differently about me, I told him I had feelings for someone.
He asked if I was going to leave him. I told him that nothing had to change, that I would always love him.
He asked me who it was. I opened my mouth to tell him, but nothing came out. I tried again with the same result. He was getting worried because there has never been something that we couldn't talk about.
He asked if it was my ex-bf, and I said "Hell, no." He told me he might have to have me committed if that was the case. lol
He asked me who it was again. I told him, after years of holding it all in and pushing it deep inside of me. All he said was, "I know." He was calm, and running his hand up and down my back. I was shocked. He told me that he had known for some time. I asked him how. He said "I know you, baby." I cried. I asked why he hadn't said anything. He said, "Why would I?" Okay, good point. He said he was fine and that he didn't have any worries or concerns about it.
So why am I freaking out? I keep thinking all kinds of bad things. Will this change everything? Will he not love me the same anymore? What have I done?
When I went to bed tonight it was weighing heavy on me. Harlan could tell something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong and I pulled the "Nothing, baby" card. He didn't buy it at all. He kept pressing.
I wanted to tell him so badly. I just had no idea how to go about telling him I had serious feelings for his/our best friend, and had for a long time. After telling him how much I loved him, and how I was afraid if I told him what was wrong with me that he might feel differently about me, I told him I had feelings for someone.
He asked if I was going to leave him. I told him that nothing had to change, that I would always love him.
He asked me who it was. I opened my mouth to tell him, but nothing came out. I tried again with the same result. He was getting worried because there has never been something that we couldn't talk about.
He asked if it was my ex-bf, and I said "Hell, no." He told me he might have to have me committed if that was the case. lol
He asked me who it was again. I told him, after years of holding it all in and pushing it deep inside of me. All he said was, "I know." He was calm, and running his hand up and down my back. I was shocked. He told me that he had known for some time. I asked him how. He said "I know you, baby." I cried. I asked why he hadn't said anything. He said, "Why would I?" Okay, good point. He said he was fine and that he didn't have any worries or concerns about it.
So why am I freaking out? I keep thinking all kinds of bad things. Will this change everything? Will he not love me the same anymore? What have I done?
TL4everu2
New member
You're freaking out because it's a new feeling. You're freaking out because you're just now admitting it to yourself. You're freaking out because you, like most people, were probably raised to believe that monogamy was the only right way.
Relax, and rest assured that your husband supports you and loves you immensely. Worry less, and love more.
Hard to do, I know. It took me almost two years to admit the feelings I had for my ex to myself, not to mention, admit it to my wife.
When I finally admitted it to myself, it was hard. But admitting it to my wife was even harder!
Relax, and rest assured that your husband supports you and loves you immensely. Worry less, and love more.
Hard to do, I know. It took me almost two years to admit the feelings I had for my ex to myself, not to mention, admit it to my wife.When I finally admitted it to myself, it was hard. But admitting it to my wife was even harder!
lovinhimloviner
New member
Harlan is the most loving, caring and understanding man I have ever known. He knows that there is nothing that could possibly "take me away" from him. He is my gift from God.
I don't know what to do about my feelings, though. I told him nothing has to change, and it doesn't. I don't even know how John would feel if I ever told him I loved him. He is a great guy. He deserves to have all of his dreams come true. He wants kids one day and that is not something I can ever do for him. I don't want to confuse his life by telling him something like this.
I will let everything ride, and just wait to see if Harlan brings any of this up. I am the type of person who needs to talk about things in order to work them out. Harlan is not one of those people. I will not push anything. It was a big enough step just admitting it to myself and saying it out loud. Maybe when we are both comfortable knowing it, then we can work on what's next.
I don't know what to do about my feelings, though. I told him nothing has to change, and it doesn't. I don't even know how John would feel if I ever told him I loved him. He is a great guy. He deserves to have all of his dreams come true. He wants kids one day and that is not something I can ever do for him. I don't want to confuse his life by telling him something like this.
I will let everything ride, and just wait to see if Harlan brings any of this up. I am the type of person who needs to talk about things in order to work them out. Harlan is not one of those people. I will not push anything. It was a big enough step just admitting it to myself and saying it out loud. Maybe when we are both comfortable knowing it, then we can work on what's next.
TL4everu2
New member
Loving someone whom you cannot have is like a living death. Being in love with someone who definitely wants kids, though, is not an impossibility. It is a challenge, for sure, but not an impossibility. Think outside the box. There is always adoption, or surrogacy.
Right now, you probably feel like you should ride it out. I tend to act first and ask for forgiveness later. You only live once. Try living.
The previous has been a message with seemingly obvious undertones and insinuations. Please feel free to read between the lines.
Right now, you probably feel like you should ride it out. I tend to act first and ask for forgiveness later. You only live once. Try living.
The previous has been a message with seemingly obvious undertones and insinuations. Please feel free to read between the lines.
Am I missing something? I don't understand.
You and Harlan are solid in your relationship. Y'all have agreed to be polyamorous. Y'all have progressed along that path to the extent that he already has a girlfriend.
In what way would you loving someone in addition to your husband change everything? It seems to me to be a reasonable step in the process y'all have already started.
I'm not talking now of changing your relationship with John. That's something to be worked out between all concerned parties. I'm talking about your romantic feelings.
Maybe you have surprised yourself with this realization? From what you write, it's huge to you, but old news to Harlan. Perhaps you mainly need some time to process it. There's nothing at all wrong in taking some time to examine and get comfortable with this new revelation. Could it be that some part of you is feeling that there "should" be some crisis here, based perhaps on societal norms?
You and Harlan are solid in your relationship. Y'all have agreed to be polyamorous. Y'all have progressed along that path to the extent that he already has a girlfriend.
In what way would you loving someone in addition to your husband change everything? It seems to me to be a reasonable step in the process y'all have already started.
I'm not talking now of changing your relationship with John. That's something to be worked out between all concerned parties. I'm talking about your romantic feelings.
Maybe you have surprised yourself with this realization? From what you write, it's huge to you, but old news to Harlan. Perhaps you mainly need some time to process it. There's nothing at all wrong in taking some time to examine and get comfortable with this new revelation. Could it be that some part of you is feeling that there "should" be some crisis here, based perhaps on societal norms?
redpepper
Active member
I agree with Fidelia. I would give it some time. I think you need to just sit with all this for a while and see what trickles down. If you have been keeping all that in, then it's being out in the open will take some time to adjust to. Just breathe through it. Then, when it feels normal enough, see what you want do next, and start talking again.
lovinhimloviner
New member
I think it is not knowing how it would make Harlan feel. I love seeing him with Meg. They are both great people. When I see them together, I couldn't be happier. But I don't know if Harlan would be ready to see me with someone yet, his best friend, to boot.
I guess it isn't such a stretch. John has always been there for us. He lived with us in the beginning of our relationship. I used to joke that he was my other husband, because he would help out with the house and help care for the kids.
I don't know how long I have felt this way about him. I realized it a year or two ago, before we discovered polyamory. I pushed all those feelings down and tried not to let them show. I didn't tell anyone about how I felt.
About a year ago, my best friend, who did not agree with the swinger life, was having a hard time with her husband. He had cheated on her many times and they had separated for about a year. He came back into her life and they tried for the fifth time to make it work. He had a gf in a different state and wanted out of the marriage.
Even though I had never been anything but nice to him, he told her that we had slept together four years earlier. She called me all kinds of names and I was crushed that she would believe him after all they had been through. She in turn tried to convince Harlan that I'd had affairs with both of his closest friends. He didn't believe her, of course. Half of what she told him he knew for a fact was a lie.
I called off the swinging because I was afraid that our base wasn't stable anymore. When we opened our marriage back up to swinging, everything was going fine. Then Harlan fell in love. I was surprisingly happy. I started researching how this could play out. I found polyamory. We talked about it a lot, and decided that it made perfect sense to us.
This is the first time he has had to deal with me having feelings for someone else. I worry that he will look back and start questioning everything he was told and start to doubt me.
I want Harlan to be comfortable with these new feelings before I tell John how I feel about him. I hope this makes sense.
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lovinhimloviner
New member
Harlan wants things to be fair. He wants to be happy for me. But I'm not sure his heart can take it.
I also worry that if I tell John, he (John) won't feel the same way. I haven't had to deal with rejection in many years. If we were to date, he would have to eventually find someone that could give him everything he needs in life (marriage, kids). I can't expect that he will just happen to fall for someone who is willing to share him with me. I am sure there are more fears that I haven't figured out yet. I will take time to figure this all out before doing anything else that will further turn my world upside down.
I also worry that if I tell John, he (John) won't feel the same way. I haven't had to deal with rejection in many years. If we were to date, he would have to eventually find someone that could give him everything he needs in life (marriage, kids). I can't expect that he will just happen to fall for someone who is willing to share him with me. I am sure there are more fears that I haven't figured out yet. I will take time to figure this all out before doing anything else that will further turn my world upside down.
Senga
New member
When I was in an MFM V relationship (two hetero boyfriends), we had several talks related to this subject. They were both open to polyamory somewhat, but we all had issues to work through.
From my experience as a female, I think it was challenging for me to simply express when I wanted sex or attention, or when I truly felt a certain way.
Society tries to tell us that for us to get anything, we have to be coy or sneaky about it. This is really not the case. So don't be scared to talk to your husband about it. Talk to Meg about it, too. If you are honestly confused, then ask.
However, I implore that instead of asking in an upset way (like how you will probably feel once you are so overwhelmed by bending over backwards) talk about it before this.
In my situation, things got heated at one point, and we stopped listening. So my boyfriend and I agreed to go outside where it was calm, sit on the porch for 10 minutes, and write down on paper, in a few sentences, the focus of our arguments. Then we switched papers and replied to each other in writing. After that, we continued to talk about it. It really helped to get the ball rolling for a productive conversation.
From my experience as a female, I think it was challenging for me to simply express when I wanted sex or attention, or when I truly felt a certain way.
Society tries to tell us that for us to get anything, we have to be coy or sneaky about it. This is really not the case. So don't be scared to talk to your husband about it. Talk to Meg about it, too. If you are honestly confused, then ask.
However, I implore that instead of asking in an upset way (like how you will probably feel once you are so overwhelmed by bending over backwards) talk about it before this.
In my situation, things got heated at one point, and we stopped listening. So my boyfriend and I agreed to go outside where it was calm, sit on the porch for 10 minutes, and write down on paper, in a few sentences, the focus of our arguments. Then we switched papers and replied to each other in writing. After that, we continued to talk about it. It really helped to get the ball rolling for a productive conversation.