I don't care to listen...

F

Flo

New member
I have not experienced this issue in the past, although my SO Marcus and I have been poly for a while. He met someone, Marina, about two years ago. She works about 100 miles from here. It's been an on-and-off relationship.

She visits our house on the weekends, not every weekend, but when she is here, I feel invaded. I find myself in the role of hostess. I can't get myself out of that! It really taps my energies, especially after a long work week. I clean the house for her visits, change the sheets, make breakfast, everything I would do for any company. She is a guest, after all. I actually enjoy her company.

At night Marina usually sleeps with Marcus. He is reveling in the new relationship energy. I am envious of what she is getting. Being around all the time, I get the guy who falls asleep on the couch, or rolls over in bed, snores and farts, and masturbates without me.

Right now, what bothers me is that I hear them. No matter where I go in the house, I hear them. Some might think that would be hot. I can see that. But I am not getting enough sex. I could spit nails, I am so horny.

No, I am not interested in joining them. I tried that a couple of times, and while I had fun, the bottom line was that I got to see up close that he indeed remembers how to do all the good sex stuff, just not with me.

Any thoughts?
 
It seems, as you said, that Marcus is in the throes of NRE, and not giving you the attention and care that you would like from him. Also having to be in "hostess" mode can be tiring, even if you enjoy the company. (There's actually a thread about here that called "My Space.")

Have you told him about these things you're feeling and thinking and doing? He may have simply gotten so wrapped up in NRE that he hasn't noticed. Maybe you two can negotiate different arrangements for them to spend time together. Perhaps they could have their time in a hotel on occasion, or you could go out and do something. I can imagine the listening would be difficult.

It sounds like you are respectful of letting their relationship develop, so I hope they can be considerate of what you need to be happy, as well.
 
Better yet, maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess. Then you can just focus on yourself, and do whatever you want to do for the weekend.

Marina is Marcus's gf, so he should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.
 
I'm with Derby. Give yourself a break!

And as far as Marcus's time with you, tell him what you need! Speak up for yourself. Tell him that you understand he is having some serious NRE, but you are feeling a bit neglected. You've got to clue him in to your feelings and what you need.

When Karma's gf Cricket stays the night, they are not allowed to have sex here, so I haven't had the overhearing issue.

Something I do from time to time when I feel we are in a sexual rut-- I give Karma the same treatment I am looking for. I'll spend extra time on foreplay, try new things, etc. The next time around, he usually does something different, and it pulls us out of our rut.

We have a hard time, because my medical problems only allow for certain positions and certain timeframes. But when I feel I need something new, I visit my dear friend the internet and start searching for new ideas.

When I was feeling poorly, Karma would masturbate instead of trying for sex, because he was sick of the constant rejection. When I started turning my mental state around, I was getting really upset that he would spend "alone time" with himself instead of having sex with me. It was a hard habit to break, because he was so used to it. So I instituted the "Ask me to fuck first, and if I can't, I'll give you a BJ instead" idea. He had no idea how much it hurt me that he wasn't asking me, until I said something. We've really learned the last few months that we can't just assume the other knows what we need.

As for the hostess feeling, I can only say I know how you feel. Like I said on the "My Space" thread, this is the exact reason why I ended overnights here. It was taking to much of a toll on me. You should encourage your hubby to take up some of the host duties. She is his gf, after all. Karma always helps me clean and prep.

Nothing makes the day better than Karma serving Cricket and me breakfast in bed. ;)
 
Hey Flo,

Yeah, stuff like this can happen often. You seem like a great person, so the host mode would seem natural. But you're right in not wanting to take that on all the time, unless you are up for it. After working hard all week, it is entirely understandable how draining it would feel.

But that's just real, and it's as simple, really, as sitting down and explaining it. There's no foul here, for anyone. Like Mohegan said, Marcus needs to understand she is primarily his guest, and he needs to host her. And in reality, I'm betting if you share this with Marina openly, being another woman, she'll understand completely, and team up with you to put the pressure on him. Don't keep it a hidden frustration. Just explain it with a grin.

As for the mannerism differences between a new relationship and a comfortable one, I'd use this as a talking point to illustrate how relationships can easily (and do frequently) slip into a rut. I think it happens to almost all of us that have been in long-term relationships. But someone or some circumstance needs to call it out. This can really be a good wakeup call.

There's a certain expectation when things are new, but eventually most relationships settle into a comfort zone. We want that, the comfort. The trick, though, is to not let it settle to the point it sinks to the bottom. I'm sure you understand that if their relationship lasts, it will also start drifting towards that same point. 'Tis de nature of tings. :)

Same with the sex. That NRE again! Giving Marcus a gentle reminder that it used to be that way between you two, and that you miss it (and he does too, whether he realizes it or not) should be enough to bring some of it your way. But like the farting, remember that wild passion with her will eventually diminish. Nature again...

Smile. Be happy. Teamwork.
 
It's time for a boundary talk, I think. I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Here is what would be acceptable to me:

- Tell Marcus: Marina is your girlfriend, so you are responsible for taking care of anything to do with her, i.e., planning, cleaning, washing, cooking. I will do what needs to be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family. You get to do what your fair share is, AND take care of anything to do with her.
- If I can hear you fucking, it's too close. Take it elsewhere or be more quiet. I'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
- Regular quality date time and connection. We will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversations besides household talk, and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
- Once a month, you go to her house. Monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships, I don't get away with anything that Marcus does! Frankly, I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault, however, if you haven't been communicating. So I suggest getting on that so he (and she) know what is up for you. Otherwise, resentment builds and he will be forced into drastic measures. If he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than your feeling compersion for them, he needs to invest in that.

It sounds like you like Marina, and don't object to her, or their relationship, at this point. So I am thinking that nipping this in the bud now will mean you can be sane about it. That is a good thing. No one likes a frustrated partner/metamour who hasn't been getting her needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.
 
Thanks to all

I appreciate what I see as support. I have never been one to shy away from direct communication. Well, let's say I say things that I think are heard.

I talked with Marcus the other day. I told him I was feeling particularly romantic and in love with him, and that I wanted him to go see Marina. It was even difficult for me to say that, and I felt so much better after.

Three days later, he said, "So, have you thought more about it?" HELLO... I wasn't thinking more about it. I had thought about it for ages before I said something. That bothered me most.

My plan today was to leave before they got up, but that didn't work. I did get them to go somewhere without me and will be working on my own day's plans now.

I like to think I am a strong person. But I still made breakfast!

I'm a work in progress...

Thanks again.
 
Maybe this is a matter of Marcus making sure you are okay, making sure you know he still loves you and includes you. Maybe he is not so used to doing things without you and has a hard time separating.

The thing is that this relationship is his, not yours. Metamour relationships are not the same as love relationships. Really, I would think it is time for the bird to fly the nest. It sounds like it is getting uncomfortable for you to be involved so much, and rightly so. Marina is not your lover.

I talked with someone before about this, and we discussed how much one should get involved with the success of their partner's relationship. She said that she knew stuff about him that could sabotage what he had created. I mentioned that it was his relationship to do with as he pleased.

Their dynamic and what works for them is going to be different than what works for you. It might work for him to have you do stuff for him, like make breakfast, but that doesn't mean that is their dynamic.

Why can't she make breakfast, anyway? Perhaps some requests to pull her weight are in order while she stays with you. Maybe it's time to go from guest to live-in weekend boarder.
 
redpepper said:
Time for a boundary talk. I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Here is what would be acceptable to me.

- Tell him, she is your girlfriend, and you are responsible for taking care of anything that is to do with her, i.e., planning, cleaning, cooking. I will do what needs to be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family. You get to do what your fair share is and take care of anything to do with her.
- If I can hear you fucking, it's too close. Take it elsewhere or be more quiet. I'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
- Regular quality date time and connection. We will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversations besides household talk and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
- Monthly you can go to her house. Monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships, I don't get away with anything what your partner does! Frankly, I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault if you haven't been communicating. I suggest getting on that, so he and she knows what is up for you, otherwise resentment builds. He will be forced into taking drastic measures, because he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than feeling compersion for them. He needs to invest in that.

It sounds like you like this woman, and don't object to their relationship, or her, at this point, so I am thinking nipping this in the bud now would mean that you can be sane about it. That is a good thing... no one likes an irate partner or metamour that hasn't been getting their needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.
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I agree with every single word Redpepper posted. Very good advice. Take heed.
 
And maybe he just isn't getting it. He knows. I told him... and then I reminded him. Perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
 
Flo said:
And maybe he just isn't getting it. He knows. I told him... and then I reminded him. Perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
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Well, maybe you could show him your thread here. He might be rude, or just not get it because it's coming from you. My husband PN sometimes doesn't hear stuff that comes from me. It's like his brain shuts off until someone else says it. It makes me feel that my opinion and requests are not valid.

Really, though, they should be doing stuff for you. You are going out of YOUR way, not the other way around.
 
This is a prime example of why people think that poly is having one's cake and eating it too. There is an issue here with balance, but you have created that. You can uncreate that. Just do stuff for yourself. Start today.

I can't imagine doing what Marcus has been doing. It actually makes me cringe, to think about fucking my bf Mono, knowing my husband PN can hear. What kind of respect is that from him and her? And not pulling my weight? I would be told off so fast and my good thing would end! Not to mention, I would feel terrible knowing PN has had to look after what is my stuff to look after. I'm a grown up. I can take care of my own life.
 
Hi, Flo.

Sorry about the trouble you're experiencing at home. You've already been given some terrific advice, so I'm not going to repeat it.

I just want to add that if you're communicating your needs clearly, respectfully and lovingly to Marcus and Marina, and can't get any traction with them to resolve the issues, it's time for you to up the ante. From what you describe, you are not being heard. Maybe it's NRE. Maybe it's that the current situation is working really well for them (and why wouldn't it, with you doing so much of the work for their enjoyment?). Maybe it's something else altogether. Whatever it is, you will never get what you need from them until you first get their attention. So, get their attention! Especially his. Call a meeting, write a letter, bang a gong, blow an air horn, or whatever will work, but call their attention to the fact that this relationship is in trouble!

And once you have their attention, express your needs clearly and directly, and ask for what you want. Then you can work with them to see to it that everyone's needs are met within the relationships, including yours. It's not all that complicated, once everyone's focused on resolving the problems. But the first step is to bring it to their attention.

Good luck to you all.
 
Some very good advice here. I think RedPepper is a genuine love guru. Seriously, Red, you should write a column, if you don't already.

One thing I did want to note is how absolutely important it is to be 100% clear, cut and dried with us menfolk. If you're trying to subtly intimate something, we just aren't gonna get it. Be clear, direct, and to the point. Say everything you're feeling and need him to know three times, three different ways, and then it'll probably sink in.

Maintain eye contact, too. If he's looking at your boobs, he's not listening. He's thinking about your boobs. This is truth, I know it is so, because I am HORRIBLY guilty of being imperceptive sometimes. I'm not saying you haven't BEEN clear, but I thought it might be worth revisiting in your mind on the off chance that maybe you weren't as clear as you thought you were.
 
Derbylicious said:
Better yet, maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess. Then you can just focus on yourself, and do whatever you want to do for the weekend. It's his SO. He should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.
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My first thought when I read this was, "Oh hell, no!" I am not going to clean the house, change the sheets and prepare for a guest, then have to exit my home, then come home and clean up after them again. And I can guaran-damn-tee that he isn't going to be the one on hands and knees making sure the shower, toilet and bathroom floors are clean, sheets are clean and back on the bed, towels are clean and folded and ready to use, floors are vacuumed, etc.

No way. They can go to a hotel, and sleep in someone else's bed, and use threadbare towels, while listening to kids run up and down the hallway, and the dog in the room next door bark all night.

I am going to stay home, in comfy pajamas, fireplace going, favorite drink in hand, with control of the remote and my favorite movie.
 
MyNameIsMaam said:
No way. They can go to a hotel and sleep in someone else's bed and use threadbare towels while listening to kids run up and down the hallway and the dog in the room next door bark all night.
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That would be a "motel" with the threadbare towels, kids and barking dogs. "Hotel" usually means soft-porn, room-service, and hot-tubs.
 
What kind of relationship do you have with Marina?

I stayed at my couple's house for about a month when I moved to a new job, and to be near them, until I was able to find a place of my own. I also spent a few weekends with them before moving, and a long week camping with them. I must say it was awkward at times, not knowing what was expected, or what would be helpful. They had their routines. She had her routines. I asked her what would be most helpful in terms of housework, etc. But there were times I felt like I was just getting in the way of her routine and way of doing things.

So, while I can see how she/they interrupt your routine, as someone whose been on the other side of the situation, it wasn't exactly always comfortable for me, either. I am jealous at times that they have a place together, live together and are able to have routines and a life together. Being the "guest" has its drawbacks. (He couldn't come to my place when I lived 7 hours away from them due to their work schedules. I had more time off. She has a 9-year old son that he cares for during the time she's working or going to college.)

As for meals, he cooks for both of us. :D We will take a meal he's made to her at work. We all eat together at times. I'm free to rummage in the cupboards and refrigerator, get myself a bowl of cereal, make a sandwich. No one has to serve me.

I "visited" them last weekend. On my way to their house, I called and asked if there was anything she needed/wanted snack-wise at work, since I'd be driving right by where she worked. While at the house, I did my laundry and theirs, bagged up the trash and took it out, put fresh sheets on the bed when I arrived, took them off and put them in the laundry just before I left, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, hand-washed and dried a few pots and pans that I hadn't had meals from, and wiped down the countertops and stove top. While he was at a choir rehearsal for 4 hours, I watched her son, since she was working.

I don't know what to recommend in terms of overhearing their amorous adventures. That's a tough one. I'm a rather noisy lover and, in all honesty, it's no fun having to hold in and suppress myself, but I do it when she's around. (And I guess she really wouldn't mind overhearing us, as it's kind of a turn-on for her, according to him. But it isn't for me, knowing I might be overheard!)

Also, Marina isn't responsible for the fact that you're not getting your sexual needs met with Marcus.

Perhaps, if talking to him doesn't seem to help much, you could approach her about some of this?
 
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