I'm sorry this happened.
I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean or indelicate.
I never expected that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
So she wants to break up romantically and just be exes and coparents?
If Jade is now 100% gay, and has revealed she's been doing a double-cheating affair-- she was cheating on you, and the GF was cheating on her BF, why did you suggest polyamory? Does that mean you intend to date other people now? Can't you do that separated or broken up her? Or was that mainly a bid to not get broken up with? Like Jade could have you AND Amber, and breaking up with you doesn't have to happen?
I wonder if you are in shock and just tying to hang on to anything familiar/stable "from before."
A couple nights ago they both came into my bedroom while I was sleeping and woke me up and we had a threesome. But I didn't touch Amber, only my Jade.
I think you could have DECLINED. You know about the cheating on both Jade's and Amber's part now. You becoming a cheating accomplice in sharing group sex with Amber is not great. Helping Amber cheat some more on her BF? Kinda yuck.
Then this threesome thing. You are not their "experiment."
This just adds to the weirdness, and it's a layer you can STOP. So no more sharing group sex.
Because she doesn't have to have sex with me. She said, "Well youre the only guy I have ever been with." She struggles having sex with me, but knows it makes me happy. CONFUSING!
You seem okay not sharing sex right now. You could stick with that.
You do not have to accept "pity sex" or "assuage my guilt sex" or "confusing sex" from your wife, Jade. You could skip it. On the receiving end, it isn't going to feel great for you knowing she's doing "struggle sex" to "make you happy" because she feels guilty about her choices.
If you cannot afford to have a year's trial separation with you or Jade moving out, are you able to at least have separate bedrooms, and seek a couple's counselor and/or a lawyer to help determine the next steps for what needs to happen for a separation under the same roof?
Even if this is a fling and fizzles out with her gf, Jade telling you she's gay changes things in a big way. That wasn't part of your original marriage vows. It sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Nobody has to be mean about it. People change over time, but that's not the deal you signed up for. It's okay to break the deal.
I strongly suggest you talk to a counselor about all that is going on. Internet people might be able to help you with 1 or 2 things but this is a LOT.
YMMV, but you could look here:
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
And seek a counselor with experience in marriage/divorce counseling, LGBT+ issues, and polyamory.
But I honestly don't think polyamory with Jade is the answer here. It sounds more like you doing a brokenhearted "Hail Mary pass" of some kind because you are in deep shock/grief.
My wife really jumped the gun here with this girl. They were allegedly dating for 3 months and wanted to get a house together and move in with 5 kids, 3 dads involved and no money. Seems like a experiment to me. Just so unrealistic.
You are right in that it is unrealistic! That requires 5 adults voting "joyful yes." You do NOT have to sign up for that. None of this sounds joyful for you.
I think you are best off seeking counseling, and thinking about what has to happen if you and Jade divorce with the help of a counselor. The best thing for you might be living apart as exes and coparents. Think about what you want to be doing with YOUR life.
You are not a side character in "Jade and Amber's Poly House Movie." You don't have to just go along with whatever Jade wants.
Slow down some. No polyamory, no "big house" fantasy, no piling on MORE big changes here. Dealing with Jade having a cheating affair and the fact that she's gay is already a double load. There's no sense in piling more on more loads.
Galagirl