I feel awkward and lost, gay (?) wife

crvttcrss

New member
Well, extremely long story short, after 25 years of being together, my wife has come out as 100% gay, as she calls it. I always knew she liked women, but after 25 years, 2 kids, a house, business, vacation home and everything else together, I never expected that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. During an argument recently she came out and told me she had a girlfriend. She said I was the only guy she has ever been with and will never be with another guy.

After a lot of arguing and talking, we are slowly adopting a poly lifestyle with this new woman. This woman is 17 years younger then my wife, 23, and my wife is 40. This girl has 3 very young children by 2 different fathers. She currently lives with her boyfriend as well, who has no idea this is even going on (what a mess).

None of my doing, though. This truly seems more like a fling to me, but I'm trying everything to make my wife happy without giving up just yet. The situation seems to be working so far. I kinda feel like a 3rd wheel because my wife and this girl have this new relationship energy thing going on.

Any help would be appreciated.
 
Hi. Welcome to the forum.

So, basically, she admitted to cheating on top of her gay declaration? At the time of her announcement, was she asking for a divorce, or was she asking for a platonic poly arrangement?

How old are your kids? What do they think of the situation?

Why are you doing everything to make your wife happy? Is it just to hang on? I'd slowly and quietly start preparing for the end.
 
She admitted to cheating on top of her gay declaration? At the time of her announcement, was she asking for a divorce, or was she asking for a platonic poly arrangement?

How old are your kids? What do they think of the situation?

Why are you doing everything to make your wife happy? Is it just to hang on? I'd slowly and quietly start preparing for the end.
Thanks for the reply. Originally, she wanted out of the relationship ,but soon realized that just wasn't realistic. She knows she has it good. She couldn't afford to get a place with our 2 kids and the girlfriend's 3 kids. She doesn't make enough money. I did tell her. "If you love her so much, that shouldn't matter. Just leave." But she knows it's truly unrealistic.

Multiple times she told me she was going to break it off, but told me she has feelings for her. But she is digging a deeper hole as every day passes. She really doesn't know what she wants. She told me this. This is why I suggested the poly relationship, even though I was kinda forced into it.

I told her, and she agreed, that I will give her that space she needs to fulfill the fantasy with a woman. But she also needs to be dedicated to us and the kids, which she was fine with.

A couple nights ago they both came into my bedroom while I was sleeping and woke me up and we had a threesome. But I didn't touch her girlfriend, only my wife.

My kids are 8 and 11. They just think that its mom's best friend right now.

Yes, I am trying to hang on, I guess. I know you know nothing about all the little details, but she is happy in our relationship. This does really seem to be a fling and is exciting for her.

I'm just trying to see where this goes right now. Thanks for the input.
 
Last edited:
This woman is 17 years younger than my wife, 23, and my wife is 40. This girl has 3 very young children by 2 different fathers. She currently lives with her boyfriend as well, who has no idea this is even going on (what a mess).

If this is truly the case, and you really love your wife, I would try to stick it through. I think you're right, it sounds like it is "just a fling", but that being said, it definitely sounds like your wife wants something more than what the two of you have built (so far). If she doesn't want a divorce, then you have every right to have a say on who she and you are with. If you're going to be involved in the relationship, whether it be emotionally, physically, monetarily, etc., then you should have an opinion on who the three of you invite into your (and your children's) life. I think that's fair and your wife may even be open to it. She obviously wants something that you're not able to provide for her (right now), so she is grabbing onto one of the only options she has, a 23-year old, who comes with baggage.

I'm sure you've both expressed your emotions and they were probably a bit heated on both sides, but you both sound like you're open to this. Just do it together, and be 100% OPEN AND HONEST with each other!! She has technically already cheated. That's not open or honest. You (and your emotions) have to be a major priority on her part if she wants you to trust her as you both explore this together.

Good luck and stay strong. It sounds like you're a good guy. Don't let anyone take advantage of you, or force you into something that you're not into.
 
If this is truly the case, and you really love your wife, I would try to stick it through. I think you're right, it sounds like it is "just a fling." But that being said, it definitely sounds like your wife wants something more than what the two of you have built (so far). If she doesn't want a divorce then you have every right to have a say on who she and you are with. If you're going to be involved in the relationship, whether it be emotionally, physically, monetarily, etc., then you should have an opinion on who the three of you invite into your (and your children's) life. I think that's fair and your wife may even be open to it. She obviously wants something that you're not able to provide for her (right now), so she is grabbing onto one of the only options she has, a 23-year old who comes with baggage.

I'm sure you've both expressed your emotions and they were probably a bit heated on both sides, but you both sound like you're open to this. Just do it together, and be 100% OPEN AND HONEST with each other!! She has technically already cheated. That's not open or honest. You (and your emotions) have to be a major priority on her part if she wants you to trust her as you both explore this together.

Good luck and stay strong. It sounds like you're a good guy. Don't let anyone take advantage of you, or force you into something that you're not into.
I want to express how grateful I am for everyone so far who has taken the time to write to me.

What you have suggested is exactly my train of thought right now. We have been together since we were 15 years old. We are now 40. I have come to the realization that I can't give her what she wants, but I can bend a little and let her explore this. This is what we are doing now. It is tough because they have this new relationship energy that I get jealous about.

But I know I can't compete with a woman because I just don't have the right tools. My wife has told me she just connects with a woman at a different level and with me at a different level. So I'm not opposed to this.

Just trying to make it work with communicating and no secrets.
 
Why did your wife want to have sex with you if she's now 100% gay?

Can we pick nicknames for the players here, for clarity for your readers? Let's call your wife Jade and her gf Amber. (You can pick other names, if you want, of course.)

I mean, I know gay people can have sex with someone of the opposite gender, but why does Jade claim to be "100% gay" but then, not only have sex with you, but include Amber in this arrangement as well? And why did you agree to it? It sounds very confusing, especially emotionally. I can imagine getting physically excited, but did you feel kinda yucky afterwards? Used? Maybe Jade did it because of her years of affection for you, and Amber did it because she is NOT 100% gay. But where are your feelings in this?

Anyway, that just stuck out to me as further confusing the situation.

BTW, this is not a polyamorous relationship. If Amber's bf doesn't know she's carrying on with Jade, she is cheating, and cheating isn't part of polyamory. Jade is also an accomplice in Amber's cheating affair.

I wouldn't call this "a fling." That seems patronizing to me. Lots of women do discover their bisexuality (I won't call this lesbianism, as she's apparently still desiring sex with a man, you) at a later age. I guess it could be called an experiment.

Are you the only person of any gender that Jade has ever had sex with? If so, what if she decides she missed out on dating other MEN in her teens and 20s, as many people do, and wants to start dating/fucking guys now, as well?

Women do get more self-knowledge and confidence in their 40s. This might just be the start of a very interesting journey. Just a heads-up on that.

You might want to start reading more books on queer sexuality, and also books on open relationships, such as Opening Up. This could be a rollercoaster and it helps to do research.
 
Why did your wife want to have sex with you if she's now 100% gay?

Can we pick nicknames for the players here, for clarity for your readers? Let's call your wife Jade and her gf Amber. (You can pick other names, if you want, of course.)

I mean, I know gay people can have sex with someone of the opposite gender, but why does Jade claim to be "100% gay" but then, not only have sex with you, but include Amber in this arrangement as well? And why did you agree to it? It sounds very confusing, especially emotionally. I can imagine getting physically excited, but did you feel kinda yucky afterwards? Used? Maybe Jade did it because of her years of affection for you, and Amber did it because she is NOT 100% gay. But where are your feelings in this?

Anyway, that just stuck out to me as further confusing the situation.

BTW, this is not a polyamorous relationship. If Amber's bf doesn't know she's carrying on with Jade, she is cheating, and cheating isn't part of polyamory. Jade is also an accomplice in Amber's cheating affair.

I wouldn't call this "a fling." That seems patronizing to me. Lots of women do discover their bisexuality (I won't call this lesbianism, as she's apparently still desiring sex with a man, you) at a later age. I guess it could be called an experiment.

Are you the only person of any gender that Jade has ever had sex with? If so, what if she decides she missed out on dating other MEN in her teens and 20s, as many people do, and wants to start dating/fucking guys now, as well?

Women do get more self-knowledge and confidence in their 40s. This might just be the start of a very interesting journey. Just a heads-up on that.

You might want to start reading more books on queer sexuality, and also books on open relationships, such as Opening Up. This could be a rollercoaster and it helps to do research.
Thank you. Well, you're dead on about being confusing. It really is. 100% gay and still banging me. I questioned her on this, because she doesn't have to have sex with me. She said, "Well, you're the only guy I have ever been with." She struggles having sex with me, but knows it makes me happy. CONFUSING!

One day, everything was fine. The next, Jade is gay and I'm thrown into a tailspin. I always knew that she had an attraction for women, but nothing like this.

Jade really jumped the gun here with this girl Amber. They were allegedly dating for 3 months and wanted to get a house together and move in with 5 kids, 3 dads involved, and no money. It seems like an experiment to me. Just so unrealistic. Jade tells me all the time she doesnt know what to do and she's so torn. She really does know what to do, but can't seem to face it and keeps digging the hole deeper.

I told her I was okay with a fling to satisfy her desires, but I'm not really sure what she wants just yet. I told her she needs to sit down with Amber and lay out her cards and be honest with her about where this is going. Maybe then we can start a true poly relationship.
 
It's not that you can't give her what she wants. It sounds like you have given each other a nice family, a solid career, and decades of memories. Don't sell yourself short, you are both in this together. In the end this new direction should make your relationship even stronger with Jade. If you're just going along for the ride and Jade is taking advantage of that ride, then it's probably not going to work out long term.

Both of your priorities should be the kids. They are way too young to be going through a "social experiment."
 
I'm sorry this happened.

I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean or indelicate.

I never expected that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

So she wants to break up romantically and just be exes and coparents?

If Jade is now 100% gay, and has revealed she's been doing a double-cheating affair-- she was cheating on you, and the GF was cheating on her BF, why did you suggest polyamory? Does that mean you intend to date other people now? Can't you do that separated or broken up her? Or was that mainly a bid to not get broken up with? Like Jade could have you AND Amber, and breaking up with you doesn't have to happen?

I wonder if you are in shock and just tying to hang on to anything familiar/stable "from before."

A couple nights ago they both came into my bedroom while I was sleeping and woke me up and we had a threesome. But I didn't touch Amber, only my Jade.

I think you could have DECLINED. You know about the cheating on both Jade's and Amber's part now. You becoming a cheating accomplice in sharing group sex with Amber is not great. Helping Amber cheat some more on her BF? Kinda yuck.

Then this threesome thing. You are not their "experiment."

This just adds to the weirdness, and it's a layer you can STOP. So no more sharing group sex.


Because she doesn't have to have sex with me. She said, "Well youre the only guy I have ever been with." She struggles having sex with me, but knows it makes me happy. CONFUSING!

You seem okay not sharing sex right now. You could stick with that.

You do not have to accept "pity sex" or "assuage my guilt sex" or "confusing sex" from your wife, Jade. You could skip it. On the receiving end, it isn't going to feel great for you knowing she's doing "struggle sex" to "make you happy" because she feels guilty about her choices.

If you cannot afford to have a year's trial separation with you or Jade moving out, are you able to at least have separate bedrooms, and seek a couple's counselor and/or a lawyer to help determine the next steps for what needs to happen for a separation under the same roof?

Even if this is a fling and fizzles out with her gf, Jade telling you she's gay changes things in a big way. That wasn't part of your original marriage vows. It sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Nobody has to be mean about it. People change over time, but that's not the deal you signed up for. It's okay to break the deal.

I strongly suggest you talk to a counselor about all that is going on. Internet people might be able to help you with 1 or 2 things but this is a LOT.

YMMV, but you could look here:


And seek a counselor with experience in marriage/divorce counseling, LGBT+ issues, and polyamory.

But I honestly don't think polyamory with Jade is the answer here. It sounds more like you doing a brokenhearted "Hail Mary pass" of some kind because you are in deep shock/grief. :(

My wife really jumped the gun here with this girl. They were allegedly dating for 3 months and wanted to get a house together and move in with 5 kids, 3 dads involved and no money. Seems like a experiment to me. Just so unrealistic.

You are right in that it is unrealistic! That requires 5 adults voting "joyful yes." You do NOT have to sign up for that. None of this sounds joyful for you.

I think you are best off seeking counseling, and thinking about what has to happen if you and Jade divorce with the help of a counselor. The best thing for you might be living apart as exes and coparents. Think about what you want to be doing with YOUR life.

You are not a side character in "Jade and Amber's Poly House Movie." You don't have to just go along with whatever Jade wants.

Slow down some. No polyamory, no "big house" fantasy, no piling on MORE big changes here. Dealing with Jade having a cheating affair and the fact that she's gay is already a double load. There's no sense in piling more on more loads.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
My wife has come out as 100% gay.

During an argument recently she came out and told me she had a girlfriend. She said I was the only guy she has ever been with and would never be with another guy.
If she is 100% gay she wouldn't be interested in sex with you at all.


Originally, she wanted out of the relationship, but soon realized that just wasn't realistic. She knows she has it good. She couldn't afford to get a place with our 2 kids and the girlfriend's 3 kids. She doesn't make enough money. I did tell her. "If you love her so much, that shouldn't matter. Just leave." But she knows it's truly unrealistic
So, are you okay being used by her? Even supporting the girlfriend and her 3 kids, possibly? I would put her in her own room and start legal separation so you don’t get sucked into that financial trap. If she doesn’t work outside the home, then you could figure out an allowance that she can spend on herself for whatever. (Keep household, kids, food, etc., separate). You can choose to still live together, but be separated, if you want to help HER financially by giving her a place to live with a roommate that shares childcare. But I’d put up big boundaries about supporting Amber and her kids, or anything that has to do with dating her. The separation can be temporary until she figures out what she wants. You protect yourself in case things go south quickly. If it all works out, it is easily ended.

Multiple times she told me she was going to break it off, but told me she has feelings for Amber. But she is digging a deeper hole as every day passes. She really doesn't know what she wants.
Break it off with Amber, or you? It sounds like she has little experience with dating and NRE. Add monogamous programming, and you get confusion. Yes, women are different than men. They cannot replace each other. You either prefer one over the other or choose to have relationships with one or the other or decide you are bisexual and need both. She needs to work past her monogamous programming and really figure out what she wants. And you need to protect yourself, in the meantime.

A couple nights ago they both came into my bedroom while I was sleeping and woke me up and we had a threesome.
I would stay out of this dynamic for now. Jade needs to figure her own shit out and not drag you into it. This reeks of them making you happy with a new exciting sex life, to suck you into being their financial whale. They could be thinking if you developed feelings for Amber then you all could live together with all the kids, with your full support. 🤮

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.
 
She wants to break up romantically and just be exes and coparents?

If your wife is now 100% gay, and revealed she's been doing a double cheating affair, was cheating on you, and the GF was cheating on her BF, why did you suggest polyamory? Does that mean you intend to date other people now? Can't you do that broken up with Jade? Or was that mainly a bid to not get broken up with? Like Jade could have you AND this GF and no break up has to happen?

I think you could have DECLINED. You becoming a cheating accomplice in sharing group sex with Amber is not great.

This threesome thing -- you are not their "experiment."

This just adds to the weirdness, and it's a layer you can STOP. No more sharing group sex.

You do not have to accept "pity sex" or "assuage my guilt sex" or "confusing sex" from your wife Jade. On the receiving end it isn't going to feel great for you knowing she's doing "struggle sex" to "make you happy" because she feels guilty about her choices.

If you cannot afford to have a year's trial separation with you or wife moving out, are you able to at least have separate bedrooms, and seek a couple's counselor to help determine the next steps?

Even if this is a fling and fizzles out with this GF, Jade telling you she's gay changes things in a big way.



And seek a counselor with experience in marriage/divorce counseling, LGBT+ issues, and polyamory.

But I honestly don't think polyamory with Jade is the answer here. It sounds more like you doing a brokenhearted "Hail Mary pass" of some kind. :(

You do NOT have to sign up for this.

I think you are best off seeking counseling... Best for you might be living apart as exes and coparents. Think about what you want to be doing with YOUR life.

You are not a side character in "Jade and Amber's Poly House Movie."
Thanks for your advice. It is extremely confusing. This struggle sex I speak about is strange because it seems like our sex life has got so much better now that she's in this other relationship with Amber. She is a lot happier now and treats me so much better.

This really comes down to what Jade wants, not me. I'm along for the ride right now. She tells me constantly she doesnt know what she wants and that our life is crazy now because of her. She feels guilty. She stated that nothing is ever going to come of this. I try to bend with her because I know she wants that fulfilment from a woman. I'm trying to get some type of answer or commitment from her but she just isn't there yet.
 
It's not that you can't give her what she wants. It sounds like you have given each other a nice family, a solid career, and decades of memories. Don't sell yourself short. You are both in this together. In the end this new direction should make your relationship even stronger with your wife. If you're just going along for the ride and Jade is taking advantage of that ride, then it's probably not going to work out long term.

Both of your priorities should be the kids. They are way too young to be going through a "social experiment."
Thank you for the reply.
 
We were posting at the same time.

This really comes down to what Jade wants, not me. I'm along for the ride right now. She tells me constantly she doesn't know what she wants and that our life is crazy now because of her.

It is. She made some poor choices with the cheating affair. It's a bummer she didn't know sooner about her sexuality, but that's not a reason to jump into cheating.

She feels guilty. She stated that nothing is ever going to come of this.

Then why do it?

How about she moves out? Go do this elsewhere. Have a trial separation, take some time apart to figure yourselves out.

I try to bend with her because I know she wants that fulfilment from a woman. I'm trying to get some type of answer or commitment from her, but she just isn't there yet.

Then YOU could make your own decisions and your own answers in the meantime. YOU decide how long you feel like going along with it. You might be willing to live "all up in the air" like this for a year or so, but probably not much more than that.

I imagine you want to see some things happening in that year, also.

  • No more group sex.
  • Since Amber and Jade were willing to have a threesome with you, are they gonna do that with Amber's BF too? It's best you go get your sex labs done. There's been cheating and weirdness, and you have your own sex health to look out for. It might mean no more sex with Jade, or no bareback sex with her, at least. You have to reflect on that.
  • You can request couple's counseling for the cheating affair part.
  • You can say don't want her cheating GF over, around your kids. Jade has to go date her somewhere else. The last thing you need is some wackadoo BF out for revenge looking for his GF and coming to your house. You did nothing wrong, and the kids didn't either.
You might want other things too. I think you need professional support.

Galagirl
 
We were posting at the same time.



It is. She made some poor choices with the cheating affair. Bummer she didn't know sooner about her sexuality, but that's not a reason to jump into cheating.



Then why do it?

How about she moves out? Go do it over THERE. Have a trial separation. You both have some time apart to figure yourselves out.



Then YOU could make your own decisions and your own answers in the meanwhile. YOU decide how long you feel like going along with it. You might be willing to live "all up in the air" like this for a year. But prob not too much after that.

I imagine you want to see some things happening in that year also.

  • No more group sex.
  • Since Amber and Jade were willing to threesome with you, are they gonna do that with the BF too? Best you go get your labs done. There was cheating and there's weird... and you have your own sex health to look out for. It might be no sex with wife or no bare sex with wife any more. You have to reflect on that.
  • You can request couple counseling for the cheating affair part.
  • You can say don't want her cheating GF over here with your kids. Wife has to go date her somewhere else. Last thing you need is some wackadoo BF out for revenge looking for his GF and coming here where you and the kids are. You did nothing wrong and the kids didn't either.
You may want other things. Talk a a counselor about all that is happening here. I think you need professional support in this.

Galagirl
Thank you, again. I didn't have sex with Amber, only with Jade, my wife. It wasn't even my idea. The threesome was Amber's idea. Yeah, more confusion.
 
She is a lot happier and treats me so much better.
If she wasn't happy before, and wasn't treating you the way you think you should be treated, you are either getting off on the humiliation that you feel, or you're stuck in a relationship that you aren't strong enough to leave.

This really comes down to what my wife wants, not me. I'm along for the ride.
That says a lot.
 
If she wasn't happy before and wasn't treating you the way you think you should be treated, you are either getting off on the humiliation you feel, or you're stuck in a relationship that you aren't strong enough to leave.
Getting off on the humiliation... that's nowhere near in the ballpark. I do appreciate your reply. We are talking 25 years of a relationship with all the trimmings and some. If I have to go through a rough patch in my life so Jade can realize the mistake she's making with this woman, gay or not, I'm willing to do so. Obviously, I just can't and don't have the time to enlighten everyone on the 25 years of ups and downs. Jade has told me right now she is confused and doesn't know what she actually wants. That's why I'm sticking it out right now.
 
I can understand choosing to "wait and see." This all JUST happened and you sound like you are in shock. But don't let others take advantage of you in this state.

Thank you again. I didn't have sex with Amber, only with my wife. It wasn't even my idea. The threesome was Amber's idea. Yeah, more confusion.

It was still a threeway encounter. Three people were present. Even if it was Amber's idea to have group sex, you do NOT have to consent to participate. Don't do it again, not even to please Jade. There's enough confusion already without piling more on.

You have to be able to say to Jade, "I love you a lot. But NO. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want, stuff that feels yucky, or stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much."

I encourage you to talk to a counselor.
 
I can understand choosing to wait and see.

Even if it was Amber's idea to share group sex, you do NOT have to consent to participate. Not even to please your wife. There's enough confusion already without piling more on.

You have to be able to say to wife "I love you a lot. But NO. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want, stuff that feels yucky, or stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much."
Thank you Galagirl!
 
Hello crvttcrss,

You could tell this girl's boyfriend what's going on, but I have to admit if I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn't bother. It's your wife's mess. Let her clean it up. Or she can crash and burn -- her call. What I wonder is, if it's okay for your wife to have a girlfriend, is it also okay for you to have a girlfriend? Is that something you would want? or are you satisfied with the sexual relations you are still having with your wife?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Galagirl!
You're under a lot of stress right now. You don't need to reply to every post, unless you want to.

I'm sorry someone accused you of getting off on the humiliation. We don't encourage that kind of unkind talk here.
 
Back
Top