I feel like I'm losing my husband

Dcantu

New member
Hello everyone. My husband is polyamorous and has had relationships throughout our marriage. I've had no worries or problems with any of his partners because he always shared anything he was feeling with me. This new one that he's talking to, I can tell he has major NRE for and he's starting to dismiss me and the kids. Saying that he isn't able to get to talk to her because he had to "deal" with us. I don't understand how is just being at home doing what we normally do "dealing"with us. We hardly get to see him because he's working all the time away from home and he spends all the time on the phone talking with her and when I ask general questions he snaps at me like I'm accusing him of something. I'm at a loss on what to do. He's clearly happy with his new potential partner (they've only been talking for less than a week) because they have a lot in common and they have talked on the phone having phone sex already (I accidently walked in on him when I was getting something from the room) I was unaware that he was taking on the phone. And when asked about it he lied and said he wasn't having phone sex with her. Him and I got into an argument and he ran to her telling her our business like it's her place to know what goes on in our lives. She doesn't have any interest in getting to know me, why should she know what is said in our argument?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I've had no worries or problems with any of his partners because he always shared anything he was feeling with me.

So... it was ok when he was telling you private stuff about his other partners to you?

Him and I got into an argument and he ran to her telling her our business like it's her place to know what goes on in our lives. She doesn't have any interest in getting to know me, why should she know what is said in our argument?

And you don't like it when it's the other way around? He's telling her private stuff about you?

I think you could ask him to talk.

Just because he's got stress at work? No reason to take it out on you and the kids.

Just because he's got a new GF? Doesn't meant he can act like other people don't live here too. Lock the door if he's having phone sex and he doesn't want people walking in. It's your bedroom too though... so go have phone sex in some other room that isn't shared.

Basic manners, please!

But if true that he's no longer interested in the marriage or family life? Doesn't really have anything to do with the new GF. Doesn't necessarily have to be anything special about her. He's just not interested any more. Could ask him where he stands on that just to be clear. Cuz if he's not? He could fling himself into ANY new GF just to avoid dealing with his marriage or home life. Or throw himself into golf, or the gym, or working late. Whatever to avoid dealing with reality at home.

If his feelings about the marriage have changed? You two probably need to talk.

Galagirl
 

Dcantu

New member
He would not tell me everything about their conversations, he would say things like "she likes dr who just like you babe! That's really great!" He would not share their intimacy conversations with me. I don't ask for that. When they fight he doesn't go into details and I'm okay with that. But for him to go into detail with what we fight about to this one really got to me. But this is the very first time he said he had to "deal" with me and the kids when we were not even suggesting or demanding time from him. He's his own person and I don't have any right to demand stuff from him but he acts like when I suggest that we spend time together ( which is not often because I'm also busy with school) he feels like he's obligated to spend a little cuddle time with me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thanks for more clarifying info.

You are right -- it's not cool for him to talk to a new GF about details of an argument with you. He could pick someone more neutral or seek a counselor.

when I suggest that we spend time together ( which is not often because I'm also busy with school) he feels like he's obligated to spend a little cuddle time with me.

If you are a couple, it is reasonable to ask when might be a good time to schedule a date night whether you go out or stay home. One doesn't take their partner for granted.

But this is the very first time he said he had to "deal" with me and the kids when we were not even suggesting or demanding time from him.

Whatever he's got going on in side him? It sounds like he's acting out at you. You don't deserve that.

Could ask him what's going on lately. Because it isn't the poly thing -- you sound like you've been mostly fine with that til now.

You can't be a mind reader. And you don't have to put up with acting out behavior either.

I suggest you ask him straight out.

"What's been going on with you? I've never heard you talk like that before. You having to "deal with" me and the kids. Is it NRE? That you are falling out of love? No longer want to be married? Overwhelmed? Struggling with depression? Something else? This behavior is out of character for you and I notice you seem snappish and out of sorts."

Hopefully he's willing to talk.

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
It’s been a week and you’re already afraid you’re losing him? Sounds like a case of runaway NRE, which will pass soon enough…
He would not tell me everything about their conversations, he would say things like "she likes dr who just like you babe! That's really great!" He would not share their intimacy conversations with me. I don't ask for that. When they fight he doesn't go into details and I'm okay with that. But for him to go into detail with what we fight about to this one really got to me. But this is the very first time he said he had to "deal" with me and the kids when we were not even suggesting or demanding time from him. He's his own person and I don't have any right to demand stuff from him but he acts like when I suggest that we spend time together ( which is not often because I'm also busy with school) he feels like he's obligated to spend a little cuddle time with me.
Wait they’ve been talking less than a week and are already fighting?
 

Evie

Mod
It’s been a week and you’re already afraid you’re losing him? Sounds like a case of runaway NRE, which will pass soon enough…

Wait they’ve been talking less than a week and are already fighting?
Nah, he's fighting with OP and telling new crush about the argument.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Nah, he's fighting with OP and telling new crush about the argument.
I mean yeah there’s definitely lots of that but I was talking about this:
He would not share their intimacy conversations with me. I don't ask for that. When they fight he doesn't go into details and I'm okay with that.

Honestly this whole thing strikes me as something that’s gonna burn quick, burn hot, and burn out.
 

Evie

Mod
I mean yeah there’s definitely lots of that but I was talking about this:


Honestly this whole thing strikes me as something that’s gonna burn quick, burn hot, and burn out.
Oh, I missed that sentence.

Yeah, it's a horrible storm to weather, but hopefully it really will burn out quickly. I think he should be called out on his disrespectful behaviour, though. Maybe it would be more effective to write him a letter/email than bring it up in person since he's currently so temperamental.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Honestly this whole thing strikes me as something that’s gonna burn quick, burn hot, and burn out.


Agreed. Although, I sincerely hope that OP can weather the storm in the mean time. And afterwards, her DH has some 'splainin' to do and repairing of the damage he's caused.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hello everyone. My husband is polyamorous and has had relationships throughout our marriage. I've had no worries or problems with any of his partners because he always shared anything he was feeling with me.
how long have you been married ? And was your relationship open from day one ?

This new one that he's talking to, I can tell he has major NRE for and he's starting to dismiss me and the kids. Saying that he isn't able to get to talk to her because he had to "deal" with us. I don't understand how is just being at home doing what we normally do "dealing"with us. We hardly get to see him because he's working all the time away from home and he spends all the time on the phone talking with her and when I ask general questions he snaps at me like I'm accusing him of something. I'm at a loss on what to do.
when you entered into this dynamic did you BOTH read up on all the potential trouble spot there could be ??

ARE you and or he aware of concept of poly Hell. I think if you’re not already aware you should look that up and ALSO and either print it out and hand it to him or send him the link and request he read it. AT LEAST that’s something concrete that you can do. Then set up a time to discuss.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Dcantu,
Here is the Poly Hell link ... http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I wonder if your husband is having a mid-life crisis ... he's acting so out of character, and it seems like he's unhappy with his home life. Maybe he's suddenly decided he doesn't want to be married any more. He doesn't want to be a father any more. He wishes he had made different choices earlier in life. These are all part and parcel of having a mid-life crisis. And because he can't take back the decisions he made, he is irate and defensive toward you and the kids. On some level, he probably knows he's acting badly, and that just makes him even more irate and defensive. Anyway, that's one possibility. Hopefully this will all blow over, but it might take longer than just his relationship with this new partner. Be prepared, too, for the chance that he might decide he wants a divorce.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve this.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
We hardly get to see him because he's working all the time away from home and he spends all the time on the phone talking with her and when I ask general questions he snaps at me like I'm accusing him of something.

It sounds like you guys don't trust each other, or at the very least he doesn't trust you.

It's unlikely that this random he has known for a week "created" this lack of trust problem. Odds are there has been an ongoing communication issue between you guys which has caused resentment and lack of faith that each will respect the others feelings. That's speculation on my part, but when I see partners running and hiding from each other I generally presume that there has not been a history of safe exchange of feelings and healthy boundaries that are fully embraced.

NRE can screw up just about any relationship by some amount, but I am not on board with pretending that it suddenly and inexplicably demolishes an otherwise healthy relationship. It's not helping, for sure, but I suspect it is only a small part of the issue you are seeing.
 
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