I need some help/guidance.

Vet2113

New member
I have been married to my wife for 7 years in March. She has shown some signs that something was missing for a little bit, but it really started coming through over the past year. She went on a girls trip with a friend, there was some drinking involved. Long story short, she was having feelings for one of the other girls that was there, sober. I didn’t want her to have any regrets about not knowing who she was inside, and I pushed her to make a dating profile. Well in November, she started talking to a girl, they met in several times December and recently, and a few days ago she told me that they hooked up. I was devastated after she told me a few things about her experience. And then I was hit with the news “I’m pretty sure I am gay.” I have been more than supporting prior to this, I did not anticipate being devastated about them hooking up, and I really didn’t expect to get hit with the news of “I’m gay”, I thought she would have said I’m bi. We have been talking about everything that both of us have been feeling, trying to break everything down for each other to understand, and I am having a hard time with my own emotions still. Part of why I am struggling with them so much is that, I have to mask part of what I am feeling. I don’t want how I feel to conflict in her new relationship, and I know that if she truly knew how I felt, she would put her new relationship on hold. I am slowly starting to feel better, but there are things that trigger some of the worst feelings. I am about a month in to a new job and am waiting on insurance to kick in to go to therapy or counseling; but, in the meantime, I just need some help talking out how I feel in a healthy manner. Whether it’s on this site or if anyone knows of like an online support group, I would greatly appreciate it. I have to hide my inner turmoil around her family (she was raised in a very conservative household and she doesn’t want them to know until we get some distance between us), and I am generally an open person when it comes to what I am going through. We do plan on staying together and I did ask for her permission to disclose this info.
 

3908

Member
Vet2113,

welcome to the forum. there are many knowledgeable people here that can comment on what you are going thru.

me personally ive been married to my wife for about the same amount of time, and recently I mentioned to her that i was poly. we have had some rough discussions. our marriage is "Christian" so the idea of being poly is on the same level as being gay in that environment.

This forum is my main outlet for my interest in poly, i cant really share with church friends, i have with some but i get the, "atleast you havent actually cheated" they dont understand.

ive learned alot on this site over the last few months, it has really opened my mind to a different world, one that my mind aligns with. I would say I have become more accepting of where people are at in their self discovery.

hang in there.
 

TXretired

Member
Welcome. It is important to be honest where you are. Pushing her to make a profile is not being honest with yourself. There are potential consequences that must be evaluated be for action like that is taken. Now you are dealing with an avalanche of emotions. Be honest with her. That is a good start.
 

Vet2113

New member
Welcome. It is important to be honest where you are. Pushing her to make a profile is not being honest with yourself. There are potential consequences that must be evaluated be for action like that is taken. Now you are dealing with an avalanche of emotions. Be honest with her. That is a good start.
I have left out of my original post that my wife and I had discussions about her being attracted to women. It was all part of showing signs, which is a miscommunication on my part. I also failed to note what kind of personality she has. My wife is a very anxious person, she hates conflict to the point of not doing things to avoid having any conflict at all. The reason I say pushed, several discussions we had, she was in tears about the thought of being with a woman and never being able to experience it. We had the discussion about possible consequences such as us splitting up and how we would work it out because we have a daughter together. I hated seeing my wife in turmoil. I don’t understand how pushing her, is not being honest with myself? I don’t mean for this reply to come off in a negative manner. I wanted to provide some additional information to maybe give you some better insight, maybe? I don’t know if the additional info, helps you to understand my reasoning. Just not sure with, how giving her a push isn’t being honest with myself?
 

Evie

Moderator
Probably because you wrote that you were devastated after she had a hook up.
It must have been an awful lot to process and it reads like you both jumped into her exploring her desires without too much anticipation of the consequences, which are now pretty significant.

So, you'll stay platonically married, yes? And date separately? This isn't uncommon in my circle. It will be an adjustment at first, but sooner or later a new normal will settle in and you'll realise you're designing your life, not just living to societal norms.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Vet2113,

Personally I think it was unfair for her to hit you with details about that hookup, plus "I am gay," all at once. That's too much! That's unfair! I'm sorry you have to hide many of your feelings from her. You are truly taking the higher road, you are putting her happiness first. Not every husband can say he is doing that.

I think if you'll keep coming back to this forum, and posting your feelings -- *all* of your feelings -- so that you're not always bottling stuff up inside -- you will gradually start to feel better, and start getting used to the new normal in your marriage. I can't tell whether you consider divorce an option.

Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I get you do not want to not rush right now. You plan on staying married for now.

I guess I am wondering if you are straight and she's gay... what's the plan for the marriage and coparenting LONG TERM?

Because if either of you starts dating and eventually wants to marry the new partner... then what? Deal with it then? Trial separation and move to different flats? Divorce?

There are all sorts of families. You aren't gonna stop being connected or stop being family if you divorce to end the marriage part. You have a kid together and have to coparent and show up to the kid things.

Part of why I am struggling with them so much is that, I have to mask part of what I am feeling. I don’t want how I feel to conflict in her new relationship, and I know that if she truly knew how I felt, she would put her new relationship on hold.

You are withholding emotional honesty from her? Why? Being up front and honest with your wife is bad how?

If she chooses to pause the other relationship so you and her can clear up old business here at home is bad how? That's her business and her choice.

I think you could be clear about no more NEW people at this time on either side. It's ok to leave it to the people who are already here. Just this one lady and that's it while you both deal with coming to terms in the marriage and where that might be going or if it is ending.

Cuz adding MORE dating potentials in the wings right now would be stressful.

I am slowly starting to feel better, but there are things that trigger some of the worst feelings. I am about a month in to a new job and am waiting on insurance to kick in to go to therapy or counseling; but, in the meantime, I just need some help talking out how I feel in a healthy manner.

I'm glad you are thinking about a counselor. You could start a blog thread at


and write whatever you need to get out. Maybe then take it to the counselor?

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
That is a blow. As a bi woman I feel badly that you've been married to her for 7 years, and having sex and all of a sudden she tells you she's gay and doesn't desire men at all? So, sex between you 2 is over, forever?

This may be. Or, she may be in NRE about paying more attention to her feelings of desire for women, and it's overriding her romantic/sexual feelings towards you, or men in general. If she was raised in a conservative family, she may have been repressing these feelings her entire life. I'm sure it's a relief to get those feelings out there, but probably it's tainted with shame and guilt as well.

I'm sorry you were "devastated" about her "hooking up," even though you encouraged it. Reality is always different than fantasy or theory, isn't it?

Things to think about: Are you jealous? Envious? Are you afraid of losing her? Do you wish you also had another partner and were living poly on both sides?
 

icesong

Moderator
Probably because you wrote that you were devastated after she had a hook up.
It must have been an awful lot to process and it reads like you both jumped into her exploring her desires without too much anticipation of the consequences, which are now pretty significant.

So, you'll stay platonically married, yes? And date separately? This isn't uncommon in my circle. It will be an adjustment at first, but sooner or later a new normal will settle in and you'll realise you're designing your life, not just living to societal norms.
This! I have several friends and acquaintances who are living this same set of discoveries although the details vary, some I'm very close to (Artist and ArtistWife, so 'bout as close as I can get), and some who are only acquaintances. It's a lot to work through. But there really can be happiness on the other side of it.
 

Vet2113

New member
Because if either of you starts dating and eventually wants to marry the new partner... then what? Deal with it then? Trial separation and move to different flats? Divorce?

There are all sorts of families. You aren't gonna stop being connected or stop being family if you divorce to end the marriage part. You have a kid together and have to coparent and show up to the kid things.



You are withholding emotional honesty from her? Why? Being up front and honest with your wife is bad how?

If she chooses to pause the other relationship so you and her can clear up old business here at home is bad how? That's her business and her choice.

I think you could be clear about no more NEW people at this time on either side. It's ok to leave it to the people who are already here. Just this one lady and that's it while you both deal with coming to terms in the marriage and where that might be going or if it is ending.

Cuz adding MORE dating potentials in the wings right now would be stressful.



I'm glad you are thinking about a counselor. You could start a blog thread at


and
So we plan on staying platonically married and seeing where the future takes us. Her partner has been in a similar relationship for a while and we are wanting to see how that works for us.

I am withholding emotions, because I haven’t seen my wife as happy as she has been in a while. The girl she met makes her so happy and like I put in a prior reply, she is very anti-conflict. She has already brought up putting her new relationship on hold and I don’t want to do that to her. My emotion is brought on by her saying she is gay, they can’t be fixed or sorted out. While there were numerous signs of my wife being attracted to women, our relationship and sex, I didn’t expect to hear I’m gay. Part of the struggle for me, it feels like she is a whole different person than who I married. I know she I still the sam person, but there is that irrational thought and I feel like since she is a new person, she is going to want to leave. We have been through so much together and I don’t want to loose her. I have expressed some of this to her, but it doesn’t come across in a way that she understands what I’m getting at. She is always telling me how sorry she is, and I don’t want her to be sorry for who she is. I want her to continue being happy.
 

Vet2113

New member
That is a blow. As a bi woman I feel badly that you've been married to her for 7 years, and having sex and all of a sudden she tells you she's gay and doesn't desire men at all? So, sex between you 2 is over, forever?

This may be. Or, she may be in NRE about paying more attention to her feelings of desire for women, and it's overriding her romantic/sexual feelings towards you, or men in general. If she was raised in a conservative family, she may have been repressing these feelings her entire life. I'm sure it's a relief to get those feelings out there, but probably it's tainted with shame and guilt as well.

I'm sorry you were "devastated" about her "hooking up," even though you encouraged it. Reality is always different than fantasy or theory, isn't it?

Things to think about: Are you jealous? Envious? Are you afraid of losing her? Do you wish you also had another partner and were living poly on both sides?
She told me that, the only thing that attracts her to a man is what kind of person they are. Nothing about how a man looks spikes her interest. There are a couple things in the bedroom that we used to do or not do that reaffirm this a little bit neither of us talked about it. With her new relationship though, personality started the process of building the relationship and then the physical attraction came. The easiest way to describe it, in her words, I like to watch everything and feel and explore, basically she says I’m a perv, which I can’t deny. She said for the first time ever, she felt the same way, wanting to watch and feel and explore, she felt like a perv and enjoyed it. Sex isn’t completely off the table, yet.

While I will admit that I fantasized about her being with another women, it’s not where it all started for me. A little over 3 years ago I started to work a lot more, we bought a house, then she got pregnant, then she quit her job and our daughter was born. I had brought up numerous times, that she could start seeing other people, just as long as she was the person I was coming home to. I didn’t feel like I was able to give her what she needed because I was always working. I didn’t think about her being with another woman until after her girls trip.

I’m not really jealous or envious. I am afraid of loosing her. I feel like she isn’t attracted to me after saying she is gay and I also feel like she is a completely different person since she told me. Like in my mind it feels like my wife is gone and a new person took her place. The day after she told me, I couldn’t help but break down, after a minute I told her “I have lost my wife and got a gay best friend”.

I know that she is still the same person, but the dynamic of our marriage has taken a sudden and drastic turn. I feel like I am loosing a huge part of intimacy. My wife says that the only thing that is changing is sex, but to me, sex was never just sex. It was a very intimate thing for me. Not sure if I just sound like super clingy or something.

As for me having a partner, eventually I might. However, right now I am personally not in the right place for that. Both my wife and I have things we need to work on together before I do that.
 

Vet2113

New member
I do appreciate all of the input and the care that everyone has demonstrated. Just talking about it here has helped me out quite a bit.
 

icesong

Moderator
I know that she is still the same person, but the dynamic of our marriage has taken a sudden and drastic turn. I feel like I am loosing a huge part of intimacy. My wife says that the only thing that is changing is sex, but to me, sex was never just sex. It was a very intimate thing for me. Not sure if I just sound like super clingy or something.
I mean honestly that really is a fair thing to say. Despite being fairly relationship anarchist in theory I’m not sure that I could continue a romantic/intimate relationship that became nonsexual after it started, truly. I’d like to think I could but at the same time I don’t think that you’re shallow to mourn that change, and you don’t sound clingy to me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I’m not really jealous or envious. I am afraid of loosing her. I feel like she isn’t attracted to me after saying she is gay and I also feel like she is a completely different person since she told me. Like in my mind it feels like my wife is gone and a new person took her place. The day after she told me, I couldn’t help but break down, after a minute I told her “I have lost my wife and got a gay best friend”.

I think that pretty much is it. A part of your marriage has ended. You aren't lovers any more. Even if you stay married platonically... even if you are understanding... even if you wish her well as she moves closer to being authentic her? This is not what you bargained for when you got married. It's a loss, and you are going to grieve the old marriage. It's natural to do that.

I know that she is still the same person, but the dynamic of our marriage has taken a sudden and drastic turn. I feel like I am loosing a huge part of intimacy. My wife says that the only thing that is changing is sex, but to me, sex was never just sex. It was a very intimate thing for me. Not sure if I just sound like super clingy or something.

You don't sound clingy. You sound sad.

As for me having a partner, eventually I might. However, right now I am personally not in the right place for that. Both my wife and I have things we need to work on together before I do that.

Yes, don't and dmore people to the mix right now. The three people already here is plenty as you adjust to changing models over to an open/platonic marriage.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
She told me that the only thing that attracts her to a man is what kind of person they are. Nothing about how a man looks spikes her interest. There are a couple things in the bedroom that we used to do, or not do, that reaffirm this a little. But neither of us talked about it. With her new relationship though, the other woman's personality started the process of building the relationship, and then the physical attraction came.
So it sounds like your wife is demisexual, whether she is actually gay or bi. She is attracted to the person's character first, then the physical/sexual feelings bloom.
The easiest way to describe it, in her words, I like to watch everything and feel and explore, Basically she says I’m a perv, which I can’t deny. She said for the first time ever, she felt the same way, wanting to watch and feel and explore, She felt like a perv and enjoyed it.
I can see that you both feel like perverts for expanding your sexual repertoires. This may be a joke, but it isn't actually "perverted" to try new sexual things. Being gay or kinky aren't perversions. Humans have varied sexual identities and preferences. We have great imaginations. Sex can get stale, and it's perfectly OK to try new things to enhance our pleasure.

If it pleases you both to joke that you're "pervs," that's OK. But beware of harshly judging your sexual tastes. Sex is seen as so negative in Christianity. Something to do for procreation. There are writings in the Christian church and in Judaic scriptures about how to have sex with your wife without lust! As if that were possible! Really, it's crazy, the things people of the Abrahamic religions will do to avoid "sin." And meanwhile, in Eastern religions, penises and vulvas are worshiped and celebrated. Go figure!
Sex isn’t completely off the table, yet.

While I will admit that I fantasized about her being with another woman, it’s not where it all started for me. A little over 3 years ago, I started to work a lot more. We bought a house, she got pregnant, then she quit her job and our daughter was born.

I had brought up numerous times that she could start seeing other people, just as long as she was the person I was coming home to. I didn’t feel like I was able to give her what she needed, because I was always working. I didn’t think about her being with another woman until after her girls' trip.
So because of your work schedule, you weren't connecting often sexually? So you told her she could go get sex elsewhere, thinking it would be with another guy. But you didn't want her to get too attached, because then she might leave you. Now you know that she doesn't just want sex with another body, as if they weren't an actual person. She cares for the person first, the sex comes later.
I’m not really jealous or envious. I am afraid of losing her. I feel like she isn’t attracted to me, after saying she is gay. I also feel like she is a completely different person since she told me. In my mind, it feels like my wife is gone and a new person took her place. The day after she told me, I couldn’t help but break down, and after a minute, I told her, “I have lost my wife and got a gay best friend."

Yes, this is what happened and it must hurt like crazy! What a blow.
I know that she is still the same person, but the dynamic of our marriage has taken a sudden and drastic turn. I feel like I am losing a huge part of intimacy. My wife says that the only thing that is changing is sex, but to me, sex was never just sex. It was a very intimate thing for me. I'm not sure if I just sound like super clingy or something.

Hell, no. Sex and touch are basic human needs. We benefit greatly from sex and touch, in many ways. It creates a bond, it reduces stress, it reduces loneliness, it's fun, it gives meaning to life!
As for me having a partner, eventually I might. However, right now I am personally not in the right place for that. Both my wife and I have things we need to work on together before I do that.
Sure. I agree with Galagirl, this is not the time for that. I was just checking as to whether you felt like you got married too young, with too little dating experience, and had some regrets around that.
 

Vet2113

New member
So it sounds like your wife is demisexual, whether she is actually gay or bi. She is attracted to the person's character first, then the physical/sexual feelings bloom.

I can see that you both feel like perverts for expanding your sexual repertoires. This may be a joke, but it isn't actually "perverted" to try new sexual things. Being gay or kinky aren't perversions. Humans have varied sexual identities and preferences. We have great imaginations. Sex can get stale, and it's perfectly OK to try new things to enhance our pleasure.

If it pleases you both to joke that you're "pervs," that's OK. But beware of harshly judging your sexual tastes. Sex is seen as so negative in Christianity. Something to do for procreation. There are writings in the Christian church and in Judaic scriptures about how to have sex with your wife without lust! As if that were possible! Really, it's crazy, the things people of the Abrahamic religions will do to avoid "sin." And meanwhile, in Eastern religions, penises and vulvas are worshiped and celebrated. Go figure!



So because of your work schedule, you weren't connecting often sexually? So you told her she could go get sex elsewhere, thinking it would be with another guy. But you didn't want her to get too attached, because then she might leave you. Now you know that she doesn't just want sex with another body, as if they weren't an actual person. She cares for the person first, the sex comes later.


Yes, this is what happened and it must hurt like crazy! What a blow.


Hell, no. Sex and touch are basic human needs. We benefit greatly from sex and touch, in many ways. It creates a bond, it reduces stress, it reduces loneliness, it's fun, it gives meaning to life!

Sure. I agree with Galagirl, this is not the time for that. I was just checking as to whether you felt like you got married too young, with too little dating experience, and had some regrets around that.
I use the term perv, because that is how she put it and I honestly couldn’t think of a better term. I never meant for a negative inflection if that is the way that it came across.

When I brought up to her about seeing other people, it wasn’t just sex. The jobs I have been working, it’s always been bad scheduling where I am up and around her for maybe 2 hours a day, if at all sometimes. There were even times that I only had one day off a week. I could not be there for her in any real way. We couldn’t talk on the phone, I couldn’t be there in person; and if I was, I was catching up on rest. I have worked a lot of physical jobs on second and third shift. We tried to communicate to each other, but I was never there for her the way she needed me to be. So that’s why I said she could start building relationships with other people. I honestly didn’t know if she would have gone with a guy or a girl at the time.

In all honesty though , I just wish I could feel numb to everything. I have had a good day, where all of this wasn’t on my mind, where everything felt the way it used to be, and then it all came back to me. I have never felt this crushed, devastated, defeated; I am not sure which word is the right word. In all honesty, thinking about it right now, each of those three words feel a different way and I am feeling the full gravity of all three. I feel like a failure for not being able to be there for her how she needed me to be, when she needed me in the past. To make it all worse, I feel that I couldn’t have been there for her in that way because I don’t have the right physical parts, so that makes me feel dumb for feeling the way I feel.

Sorry for the long tangent, I do want to get all of this down so when I can see a counselor, I can show them exactly how I have been feeling and get the proper help for everything.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It wasn't a tangent. It's your thread. You say what you want, with no apologies!
 
Top