I wanna be mono again.

R

reluctantlypoly

New member
I'm reluctantly poly. My wife of 15 years and I have been in a poly relationship with another couple for the past 2ish years. It's been a struggle for me (not for them, they take to it like fish in water while I flounder around like I'm a fish trying to be a mountain climber). It started out as an attempt at swinging and then turned into this thing we have now. This awful thing for me.

But I'm here. The other couple is pretty cool. We've known them for a very long time, used to go to church and all that fun stuff. I'm here because I'm the one who has the problem. I am not wired for this and it kills me. You have no idea the stress and angst this relationship and this lifestyle cause me. I'm also here because no one is really listening to me.
 
I wish it would've worked; I wish I was wired for it, but I'm not a poly person. I don't want to do it anymore. I've told them I don't want to do it anymore. I've told everyone multiple times that I don't want to do it, that I'm tired of trying to be something that I'm not no matter how hard I try and change myself... but we're still doing it.

I adore my wife. Everything I've done in this I've done because I thought it would make her happy and make her and I closer, but what I feel like it's done is it's caused this rift between us that I am struggling to bridge and I feel like the longer we're with this couple... no, not the couple, but in this type of relationship, they're actually pretty cool, the further my wife gets from me. <--that was a clunky sentence, my apologies.

Here's what it's done to me... it's made me apathetic about her and my relationship. Why? Because no matter how many struggles I've had with it, no matter how many times I've said, "I don't want to do this anymore." no matter the depression I struggled with, the constant stress, the one time suicidal thoughts, and the fantasies I have of just being on my own now without her (read "divorce")... no matter what I've gone through she still insists that we keep trying. THAT makes me fucking apathetic. Because to me it shows that her ability to have sex and have a meaningful intimate relationship with someone other than me is MORE important than me and our relationship. And this is something she shows me on a sometimes weekly and even daily basis; granted I can be very hypersensitive at times, who am I kidding, most of the time, so I likely read a lot into a lot of things, but still.

I wanna be mono. I want her back. I wanna be selfish and have her all to myself. I want the stress and jealousy to stop. I want her to want me.
 
Hello and welcome. Sorry to read that you are in a situation you don't want to be in. I can't help but note how defeated and victimized you sound. If you don't want to feel so victimized, then it is up to you -- and ONLY you -- to step out of the victim role and stand up for yourself.

Remember - you always have choices. I am sure no one is chaining you up against your will and forcing you to participate in this arrangement - my sense is that at some point you agreed to it, perhaps begrudgingly or without fully discussing things first, or went along with it without really realizing how the arrangement would impact you, and now everyone else has run with it, is having fun with it, while you hate it.

What are the core problems you are having, personally? Is it solely that they won't listen to your concerns? Have you been very clear in communicating what the issues are for you? Are you resentful that everyone else is having a good time but you? Do you feel like you just are not interested in non-monogamy at all? Is it that you are okay with extra-marital sex, but not extra-marital emotional involvement? Is there an issue of incompatibility with the other couple? Do you think if you and your wife were dating others separately, without having to be a quartet, it would be better? Are you dealing with jealousy?

You have every right to say "NO." You have every right to say, "No, I will not have sex or a romantic relationship with anyone else besides my wife." You have every right to say, "No, I will not be in a relationship with someone who has sex or romantic relationships with other people." You have every right to ask that you and your wife go to therapy/counseling together if you are not being heard. You don't have to tolerate shit you don't want in your life. You have a say, and choices. And if your wife will not agree to monogamy with you, nor to anything else you want that is important to you, you have every right to leave the relationship with her. It may be you and your wife who are incompatible. And if you've been very clear about what bothers you and what you do and do not want, and still are ignored by your wife and the other couple, you have every right -- and the ability to choose -- to walk away from all of them. To me, it sounds like starting divorce proceedings would be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself right now.

Hard choices, but it is up to you - you can stop seeing yourself as a victim right now.
 
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You can be mono all you want but your wife is poly.

How fair is it to rip something that makes her happy away from her? The genie is out of the bottle there is no stuffing it back. All I am hearing in your post is me me me me me.. What about her?

You're perfectly able to put the brakes on poly for yourself. You can ask to go back to being in a monogamous relationship with your wife. But she can say no.

Mono/poly relationships work out just fine all the time.
Stop being so melodramatic, playing the martyr, and have a calm rational grown up discussion with your wife.
 
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, and it seems as if you are feeling unheard. Really, I think this is about strengthening your boundaries. Your wife is poly. You are not. You do not have to be poly, however, you cannot force her to be something she is not, any more than she can do the same to you. Tell her you're done, and then BACK UP WHAT YOU SAY. Either you are finished, or you are not. If you don't want to be with someone who is poly, you have the ability to walk away.
 
Sorry, there is no going back. Be firm about your needs, but don't think you can change her, anymore than she can change you. At least you don't have kids.
 
I am sorry you are struggling. I think trying it on for 2 years is plenty. It's just not your scene. So could get out now.

This isn't like trying it for 2 weeks or 2 months and you still feeling wobbly from a new thing being "new." This is old now.

These pop out at me:

  • I've said, "I don't want to do this anymore."
  • I struggle with Depression.
  • I am under constant stress
  • I had suicidal thoughts once
  • I fantasize of just being on my own now without her

When you choose to keep participating in a quad that bothers you this deeply... how is that you giving you the peace from all this that you need?:confused:

Breaking up with the couple has to happen. You are not having fun here. :(

So is it...

  • You Break Up with Couple + You stay with wife
  • You Break Up with Couple + You Divorce Wife

If you are uncertain about the Wife part, go ahead with the part you DO know that is the same for both. Break up with the couple. That you can do TODAY. Say thanks, they are great, but this relationship model is not for you. Then STOP participating. No more going out with them on dates and whatnot. Just "Thanks, but no thanks."

That part of the problem is solved and your load lightened considerably. Rest for a bit, then deal with the next problem. You don't have to being doing it all in one day. Take it in stages.

The next problem becomes (My wife is neglecting the health of the marriage and ignores me when I raise the flag.)

It might take telling her point blank that....

  • You see the marriage is in trouble when you tell your concerns -- and she tries to talk you out of it and wants you to go against your grain rather than encouraging you to pick what is healthiest for you. (<--- That behavior does not sound kind or loving to me. :( )
  • You are up for seeing a marriage counselor (<--- if you actually are.)
  • If things don't improve, you would like to talk about amicable divorce so you can be free of all this stress.

I think you are looking at this quad model changing into one these shapes:

  • [You + (wife] + couple) <--- you do not sound up for this so I grey it out. Changing poly shapes still has poly stress.
  • (You + wife) - (couple) <---- you want this 1st best. That's your ideal choice. No more poly stress.
  • (You) - (Wife) <--- you want divorce 2nd best. Less ideal, but no more poly stress.

I can guess it feels terrible right now, but the only way out that I see is to get firm about following through with your Word, and having the courage to have conversations that have to happen. Sort this thing out.

Ask your wife what her preference is. Does she prefer to be in a poly thing? If she does, you go for your 2nd best choice and get you out as amicably as possible because you really are not up for this any more.

There is nothing wrong with you having your own preferences for how you like your relationship shapes. There is nothing wrong with a mono shape.

There IS something wrong with you going against your own grain. Over and over.

You could stop doing that. You can choose your own behaviors. So get your behaviors aligned toward "less stress and more peace" in your life even if the journey there is kinda yucky for a bit more as you sort things out.

Let wife make her own choices and hope for the best. Don't let fear or worry about what she will pick stop you from taking care of YOU and making the choices YOU have to make so that you can be in a healthier space.

Get it sorted. Talk. You can do this.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Who are you in a relationship with, besides your wife? Are you having sex with both members of the other couple? Are you doing 3 or 4-way sex against your will? Are you expected to shag the other woman while your wife shags the other guy?

Stop having sex with the other couple right now, if that is not enjoyable for you. If you are forcing yourself to have sex with one or both of them, I don't really know how that would work, for a guy. If it's not exciting to you, you'd stay limp and not really be able to fuck... Are you giving oral sex to one or both of them against your own will? If so, why?

Step back. Before heading for divorce, figure out what really bothers you here. You like the other couple but:

You don't like their PDAs with your wife, in front of you?

Ask them to stop.

You don't like your wife spending "too much time" with them?

Ask her to see them less.

You personally feel neglected?

Tell your wife you'd like more one on one time, dates, sex, talks, fun shared activities.

You feel your wife is neglecting your home maintenance or children because she is always off whooping it up with the other couple?

Tell her specifically what you find missing in your expectations of how a wife should act.

You don't feel heard by your wife? Arrange couples counseling (preferably with a counselor experienced with alternative, such as queer issues, open marriages, etc.).

Anything else SPECIFIC you don't like about your marriage being open?
 
Welcome, Sorry to hear, is it a Jealousy issue? are you just socially wired to mono? It does take some getting used to. Maybe talking it out with them? Or just hang here and hear the reasons. Society puts a lot of pressure on being mono
 
I think you've just got to tell your wife that there isn't anything she can do to make this work for you, you do not want to be poly and you need her to decide if she needs poly more than she needs this marriage. The answer to that for most poly people I know would be "yes, as much as I'd love to keep our relationship, polyamory will make me happier than a monogamous marriage". You need to accept what she says and act on it.
 
I feel for you. When I recognised I was poly I went through four years of hell with my monogamous wife before she came around to the idea - which included periods in which I felt suicidal too. I felt like the one person I loved more than anything didn't really value who I am anymore, didn't like me. And if the one person closest to me, who knows me best, doesn't like who I am, I asked myself what that meant about my worth. I share this only because it sounds like maybe you have been going through a similar period (albeit with positions reversed)? If so, I wanted you to know you aren't the only one.

The problem with polyamory is that sometimes people, perhaps like your wife, recognise the truth of who they are after they have already entered long-term and deeply loving monogamous relationships. It sounds like maybe if you had just met your wife now you would not choose to love her. But you have loved her and now you have to ask whether you want to cling to that love (and talk then about whether there are ways to manage her other relationships to minimise impact on you) or hold onto who you are and the life you value (and talk to her about whether she will stay with you monogamously, with her sacrificing perhaps who she is and the life she values, or separate). You can never have back what you had - either you stay together knowing one of you is living inauthentically, or separate.

I also wanted to say that there are services available when you are feeling suicidal - 24 hour telephone support, counsellors, your local GP, friends and family. Please reach out and ask for support if you feel this way, and think about making a safe plan in advance in case these feelings recur. I can see more emotional trauma in your future, however this plays out.

Finally, I wanted to say you are incredibly courageous posting on a poly site - an audience that by design is going to be more sympathetic to your wife's position than almost anyone else. What I'm hearing is that you're a really incredible person that has tried to make this work for your wife and found that it just doesn't. Trying it, though, was a really generous gift that few people would give their partners.
 
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I agree that you always have the choice to me mono yourself but if your wife has decided that she wants to be poly then there really isnt much you can do about that other than work through your issues and learn to accept it or move on to someone who shares your need for a mono relationship if your wife isnt willing to be mono with you. There's nothing that says a poly person has to be in a poly relationship, many people choose to abstain from multiple relationships because their mono partner isnt willing to open up.
 
I'm sorry, reluctantlypoly. You're in a rough spot. It is exceedingly painful to realize that you and your partner have grown in different directions. I agree with everyone else that you both have difficult choices to make. I think defining your boundaries (what you are/are not willing to do and what you are/are not willing to accept within your relationship), would be a good place to start. It might help to journal your thoughts and feelings or write out your boundaries and discuss those with your wife.

Aside from that, sometimes the most loving approach for ourselves and our partners, is to accept that we are no longer compatible and transition the relationship into a different form. If that's the option you chose, just know that divorce does not mean that you or the marriage were failures. It just means that you're in a different place in your lives now and that you're no longer romantically compatible. Sad and painful, yes, but much more freeing than living an inauthentic life.
 
wow. Thank you everyone. There's a lot to chew on. I figured if anyone would be open and understanding of my side of it it would be a forum like this where lots of people have seen and experienced the gamut of poly relationships.

There are so many things I wish I would have done differently in the beginning, the middle and even now, things I really don't have the courage to do now, but wish I would have done in the beginning--this is a complicated one, I don't want to sound like I'm playing the victim card but I'm afraid that's what it's going to sound like with what I'm about to say. She broke me. Hard. And then she made it my fault that she broke me and that broke me harder cause I believed it and I still believe it. There was emotional and even physical abuse (as much as a sub 5' tiny little woman can inflict physically on a 6 ft 200 pound man) and I was so confused and lost, even a co-worker came up to me one day and said--this was a couple years ago, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! Something's changed, man. Something's changed bad. Where's the old Reluctantly poly we used to know? Bring him back. We like him. We don't like this." So I hid it better.

We do have kids, 4 beautiful, wonderful kids who get amazing grades, work hard, play hard and I would do anything for them. They want to follow in my footsteps and the oldest, her's from a previous marriage, is starting a career in nursing soon and I couldn't be more proud. I don't want a divorce. I want my wife back. This changed her, turned her into something different. I know, based on talking to her, her yelling at me, her tumblr, and conversations with the other female--because she and her husband communicate relatively well--that she feels confined even in this. She's wants 3 somes (I can't do it, we've tried, it was awful and extremely embarrassing), 4 somes with this other couple (same result as a 3 some), she wants orgy upon orgy within an orgy and I'm stuck in the corner going saying, "I can't. I'm sorry. I wish I could for your sake, but I can't and that makes me feel awful."

I hate how much of this makes me sound like I'm playing the victim card.

In the beginning we discussed boundaries. It was supposed to be purely swinging, then she hid that she was starting to fall in love. And it all went downhill from there. I have no feelings other than "hi friends" for this other couple. None, and we've been doing it long enough that I know those feelings aren't going to change.

Magdlyn: I've said and tried nearly everything you just wrote... it happens for a couple weeks then it's back to the same old same old. The only thing we didn't do was counseling. I brought it up, made an appointment, and even got all geared up to go and she said, just as we were about to go, "this is it. We're done if we do this counseling thing." And, see above where she broke me, I cancelled it. I don't want to lose her, but maybe I already have.
 
reluctantlypoly said:
I don't want to lose her, but maybe I already have.
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I think you need to acknowledge that, yes, you already have lost her - or the version of her you once idealized. Besides the fact that you became a broken down version of yourself, she is not the person she was when things were good, or at least the person you thought she was - so in essence, you have lost her AND yourself. Time to truly realize this. And realize you won't get the wife back that you once knew. She's gone - that seems very clear. But you can start over!

It's not a bad thing to see yourself as a victim (we were not taunting you), and it may not even be inaccurate, but it is something you need to shed as an identity in order to become free of her abuse and back to who you really are. She does not hold any power over you. You can stand up to her if you stop hiding from what she has done and stop accepting the victim role.

I highly doubt she actually loves this other guy. She doesn't sound like she knows how to behave lovingly toward you, and I bet she doesn't love anyone but herself. So, am I clear in understanding that she demands that you be there and watch her have sex with this other couple, but all you can do is crouch in the corner? And who do you have sex with?

Go to counseling on your own! You need to start healing yourself and reclaiming yourself. If she won't go, you don't need her permission to go yourself. She doesn't even need to know that you are going.
 
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One of the things that I think MrS did right in making our transition from an OPP to "full" poly (as the person who would have been perfectly happy being being mono) was understanding, and insisting, that if we went down this road then it would be "for real" and NOT an experiment.

If he was going to put THIS much effort into accepting this then it had to be worth the effort - it had to allow the possibility of a lasting and significant relationship. Part of this was because Dude was his best friend, and IF I were serious about pursuing this, then he had to know that I wasn't just "playing". For ALL of our sakes. (Which didn't mean that the relationship HAD to succeed - which it did, thank the god/ess/es- just that it had to be a possibility.)

My point? An "experiment" can last a few dates or a number of sexual encounters (which, in my world, would be 3). In your situation? We are talking a number of years. If you want to disengage at this point you can't, in my mind, reasonable expect your wife to disengage along with you. Which does NOT mean that you have to be in a poly config if you know it is not what you want - just that you can never put the genii back in the bottle, she stays or goes at her own discretion.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
If you want to disengage at this point you can't, in my mind, reasonable expect your wife to disengage along with you. Which does NOT mean that you have to be in a poly config if you know it is not what you want - just that you can never put the genii back in the bottle, she stays or goes at her own discretion.
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I know. I understand this. This is part of the reason I've allowed myself to become apathetic about our relationship because I understand at some point I'm going to have to give her an ultimatum of either me or her need for poly, and as much as she says she's going to choose me I don't know that I would let her because I know and understand that her with just me isn't who she is or who she wants to be. She already resents me enough as it is, because of my inability to be comfortable and "let go." I love her enough that I would let her go, but god damn fuck it all to fucking hell... it hurts, a lot.

I highly doubt she actually loves this other guy. She doesn't sound like she knows how to behave lovingly toward you, and I bet she doesn't love anyone but herself. So, am I clear in understanding that she demands that you be there and watch her have sex with this other couple, but all you can do is crouch in the corner? And who do you have sex with?
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She doesn't. To all of it except the loving herself thing. And I don't think she loves herself as much as she's just turned into a very very selfish person.

In the beginning we tried all 4 of us in the same room at the same time, but the other female is almost the same way I am except she knows that if she told her husband she was done that he would say, "ok, cool with me." And that really would be it. It would end right there for him and they would be fine. Me and my wife on the other hand, not so much.

We split up when we know sex is on the table. I perform with her #2 well, really well. And that's it. I do it, I hate to admit this, out of obligation. Really what I want to do is stay home and watch a movie with my kids, or go out with a some co-workers and have a couple beers. She #2 is a dear friend, really it's kinda scary how well she reads and understands me. But she and I are both very empathetic people. He's an ok friend. I have nothing really in common with him, except we both used to be members of a cultish type religion based out of utah (wink wink).

When we are all 4 together the unspoken rule, well it was spoken at one point, is that I'm not to really touch or interact with my wife in a sexual or playful manner because it might make #2 jealous or feel left out. So I don't really interact, period. It's f-d up.

In all of this though, I get these glimpses of her, of how she used to be with me; sometimes, er, most of the time, I find out it's because she's upset with how he's treating her so she's turning to me for what she's not getting from him. But still, it's her and it's beautiful, breathtaking really.
 
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship and, based on what you have said, I think you may be happier being alone for a while than staying with your wife. I don't want to tell you what to do (admittedly, I don't know the whole story) but I can say that if I were in a similar situation I hope I would have the strength to leave the relationship.

However, whatever you decide to do, I strongly urge you to stop having sex out of obligation. Sex should be a joyful thing for all involved and not something you do to make someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it really hurts to read your story and I hope you can find a happy resolution soon! I'm not really a touchy person but if we were speaking in real life I would offer you a hug right now. :(
 
reluctantlypoly said:
In the beginning we tried all 4 of us in the same room at the same time, but the other female is almost the same way I am except she knows that if she told her husband she was done that he would say, "ok, cool with me." And that really would be it. It would end right there for him and they would be fine.
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So, why doesn't she end it if that's what she wants? :confused:

reluctantlypoly said:
Me and my wife on the other hand, not so much.
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What do you think would happen if the other couple opted out? Would your wife go trolling for fresh meat? Or would she at least listen if you said, "Let's take some time to reconnect?"

reluctantlypoly said:
We split up when we know sex is on the table. I perform with her #2 well, really well. And that's it. I do it, I hate to admit this, out of obligation. Really what I want to do is stay home and watch a movie with my kids, or go out with a some co-workers and have a couple beers. She #2 is a dear friend, really it's kinda scary how well she reads and understands me. But she and I are both very empathetic people. He's an ok friend. I have nothing really in common with him, except we both used to be members of a cultish type religion based out of utah (wink wink).
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So you and the woman in the other couple have privacy, while your wife is with the woman's husband in another room? So, then why don't you just tell the woman you don't want to fuck? You could play cards,watch a movie, take a walk, whatever. Why do you feel obligated to perform?

reluctantlypoly said:
When we are all 4 together the unspoken rule, well it was spoken at one point, is that I'm not to really touch or interact with my wife in a sexual or playful manner because it might make #2 jealous or feel left out. So I don't really interact, period. It's f-d up.
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Yes, that is fucked up. But you can put a stop to all of it. You don't have to keep participating. If I were you, I'd really get the hell out of this situation and do what you need to do to heal your broken heart.
 
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I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It's palpable. :(

You need to break up with the couple. Stop sharing sex with #2 and all that.

You mention hiding abuse from coworkers -- do you also hide it form the couple?

It sounds like you also need to be understood in context... so you want to be able to tell you story. That's a fine first step -- but I don't think you can stop there. Internet only does so far. Eventually you could take more action to get you out of this mess. Like see your own counselor.

she's just turned into a very very selfish person.
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I don't want to lose her, but maybe I already have.
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I think so. She does not sound like she's treating you well or healthy. You have lost healthy relating with her a while ago.

She broke me. Hard. And then she made it my fault that she broke me and that broke me harder cause I believed it and I still believe it. There was emotional and even physical abuse (as much as a sub 5' tiny little woman can inflict physically on a 6 ft 200 pound man)
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Because there's been abuse here, I definitely think you could benefit from telling your story to a counselor. You might also want to read http://speakoutloud.net

It sounds like you love her but want the abuse to stop. And that you believe you deserve the abuse because if only you were "better" then she wouldn't be abusing you. You sound like you struggle with power/control dynamics within the abusive relationship.

That whole "she broke you and blames you for being breakable" thing is messed up. Given enough abuse, anyone would break. You do not exist to be her punching bag. She could show loving behavior toward you and NOT abuse.

I understand that an abused person sometimes says "Ok" to whatever even if they want to say "no." But if they give an honest "no" the abuse keeps coming. So they say "ok" just to get the abuse to stop temporarily and catch a break. Not because they really want the thing they okayed. I wonder if this sometimes happens to you. Does it?

I understand at some point I'm going to have to give her an ultimatum of either me or her need for poly, and as much as she says she's going to choose me I don't know that I would let her because I know and understand that her with just me isn't who she is or who she wants to be.
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I think right now you are focussed on her because you are enmeshed.

I had hoped you would say "I have to tell her I'm leaving this. Even if she picked to come with me I would not let her stay with me because I want to be free of abuse."

I encourage you to think about what YOU need to be healthy that YOU can do. I could be wrong. But I think what you need is to be away from all this, including away from your abuser. That's going to stink and feel hard because you sound trauma bonded.

It may take some time to come to terms with untangling those trauma bonds and become more willing and more able to leave all this So again... I encourage you to see a counselor. You could use extra support from a professional in coming to terms, forming a leaving plan, and then taking action to rescue yourself out of this.

You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
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