I'm the 'other woman'

newtoday

newtoday

Member
Hi all,

I've been searching the internet far and wide to find advice and support for those of us who are the "other woman."

I became involved with my guy, Jared, just over a year ago, when he explained that his relationship with his significant other, Julie, was now void of all physical intimacy. It began several years ago when Julie struggled with sex. Then he became further exasperated when she became ill.

It was a little out of my comfort zone, but I agreed to give it a try. Jared was amazing and I wanted to have an open mind.

In the past year, we have fallen in love. We express that to each other regularly. Yet it doesn't change his commitment to Julie.

I guess my problem is coping with a new jealousy that has arisen. I could cope with being involved with him when I believed that their relationship lacked sexual content. But lately, when I'm at their home, Julie seems more attentive, touching him, and he's enjoying that. And the green monster rears its head and I feel sad.

Reading a lot about jealousy, I try to understand why I feel this way. I guess I feel threatened that Julie will suddenly want that back with Jared, and I will be suddenly not required anymore. And maybe part of me hopes that one day he will leave to be with me full time, and that seals the deal that he really won't.

I don't know... and I have nobody to talk to about it. My friends and family know a little about our situation, but not enough for me to share these feelings with.

Someone, please help! :confused:
 
newtoday said:
I guess I feel threatened that she will suddenly want that back with him and I'm suddenly unrequired anymore. And maybe part of me hopes that one day he will leave to be with me fulltime, and that seals the deal that he really won't.

I don't know... and I have nobody to talk to about it.
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Yes, you do. You have him. Is there a reason you can't talk to him about your fears?
 
Thanks for the reply, NYCindie. :)

Jared and I have talked about it in the past, but at that time, Julie was unresponsive to any physical affection from him. Now she appears to be initiating it somewhat.

Part of me is happy for him, because I know he misses that aspect of his relationship with her, but the other part feels threatened. I feel selfish.

I'm hesitant to revisit it with him again, for fear that I will appear high-maintenance or selfish. I'm neither of those things, but sadly I am a little insecure about it.

I will have a conversation with him about it, again, and he will try to ease my mind... but I can't shake the feeling of jealousy I feel when Julie now rests her head on his shoulder, or rubs his arm or leg, when for the last 15 months, she'd barely stand within 5 feet of him. :confused:
 
Do you and Julie have a friendship? Does she understand and accept, fully, what goes on between you and Jared?
 
AnnabelMore said:
Do you and Julie have a friendship? Does she understand and accept, fully, what goes on between you and Jared?
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That's what I was thinking. It may be time to sit down all together and decide what direction both relationships are heading. There could be more common ground than you think. It sounds like things are possibly at a turning point. That could be good or bad, but I would want to know firsthand from everyone involved.
 
newtoday said:
In that year, we have fallen in love. We express that to each other regularly.

I guess I feel threatened that she will suddenly want that back with him and I will suddenly be unrequired.
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The two statements above seem a bit contradictory. I mean, Jared loves you; you are not just someone he vents his sexual frustrations on. How would you then be unrequired, even if his other relationship does heal to a point of a renewed physical intimacy?

newtoday said:
I'm hesitant to revisit it with him again for fear that I will appear high-maintenance or selfish.
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Your jealousy seems to be pretty directly related to you not knowing what your place is in his life and heart, to the point where you try to watch your step carefully so as not to appear "difficult" or "needy."

Why do you feel your relationship with him must be easy-breezy and without problems? Although you refer to yourself as the "other woman," being a secondary doesn't mean you only get half a relationship.

There's the often circulated Secondary's Bill of Rights by Franklin Veaux, and one item on it goes like this:

I have the right to have and express all of my emotions. I knowingly and willingly accept that being secondary may place limits on many things (e.g., sharing family holidays or vacations with my partner, having my partner with me in a time of crisis or celebration). My acceptance of that possibility does not mean that I won't be disappointed or even sad during such times. Further, being secondary comes with some built-in challenges to security (especially in the beginning) and there may be times I need reassurance as to how and where I fit into my partner's world. I promise to do my best keep things in perspective and to avoid guilt, drama, temper tantrums and pouting, but I ask that my partner and his or her partners accept reasonable expressions of doubt, disappointment, etc. on my part.

I think it's time to get real with him.
 
Does Julie know you and Jared are lovers?
 
Hi Newtoday,

I'm going to go out on a limb, and say you are being affected by the all-too-common disease of competitiveness. When you thought you were #1 in the sexual-fulfillment department, you were golden. Now you see some potential to have that position challenged, whether it's real or not.

Repeat to yourself 1000 times:
Love and sex are NOT a competition!

When you see Julie as a partner (as opposed to a competitor) working towards the same goal (Jared's happiness) these feelings and fears will go away.
 
Wow! Thank you, everyone, for such great advice. :)

Now to try to answer the questions...

Yes, Julie does know about my relationship with Jared. He sleeps over at my home at least once a week. She seems very accepting of it. He will hug and kiss me in her presence and she seems fine.

I've read a few books on polyamory. I'm trying so hard not to get jealous or competitive. But I am human and working my way through such new emotions.

Yes, I guess seeing her changing her physical response towards him maybe evokes a competitive edge in me that I don't usually have. But in all honesty, it stems from the fact that I feel she is the one feeling the sudden competition. She is making these advances only when friends are around or she feels threatened.

She has told Jared several times in the last several months that he is free to leave her, despite her critical illness, that she would forgive him and love him anyway. But he was racked with guilt by that statement and declared his commitment to her.

I have never expected that to change. But when you are in love, there's always that slight hope.

BlackUnicorn, thank you so much. You are right. I need to have faith in his love for me. I know it's genuine. And I have to stop feeling like such an outsider and risk looking too needy by expressing my feelings to him. He's always been open to listening and empathetic to my thoughts. I need to have more faith.
 
newtoday said:
I have never expected that to change. But when you are in love, there's always that slight hope.
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It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I would be heartbroken if my girlfriend and her husband split up. Granted, that's in part because I feel love for him too, but a large part of it is that I know she would be shattered if that happened, and I love her too much to ever want that. Her marriage makes her stronger and happier as a person -- it lets her BE the person I love.

Now maybe that's not the case for Jared. Maybe his is in a dysfunctional relationship with Julie. But on the other hand, maybe it gives him more than you see. Maybe if your hope were granted, and he was yours alone, you would find that, ironically, he was no longer the person you wanted.

If you think there's any chance that you and Julie could be compatible as friends, I strongly recommend that you pursue that friendship. You don't need to become BFFs right away, but if you could each develop a genuine sympathy and interest in each other, you could stop being competitors and start being supporters. After all, you share the same goal -- making your man happy.

In the best-case scenario, a bond between you and Julie could make it easier for Jared to commit to you, because it would make it easier for his life to be one cohesive whole. For instance, say he wants to go out to a fair, wouldn't it be easier and cheaper for him if he could take you both at once? And you would get to spend quality time with him that you might otherwise miss out on.

newtoday said:
I need to have more faith.
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Faith is important, but it is also completely valid to ask for reassurance and clarification. It's difficult being a secondary, I know. Do read the stuff about secondaries on the MoreThanTwo website linked above. There's some great advice in there.
 
newtoday said:
Yes, I guess seeing her changing her physical response towards him maybe evokes a competitive edge in me that I don't usually have. But in all honesty, it stems from the fact that I feel she is the one feeling the sudden competition. She is making these advances only when friends are around or she feels threatened.
She has told Jared several times in the last months that he is free to leave her, despite her critical illness, that she would forgive him and love him anyway. But he was racked with guilt by that statement and declared his commitment to her.
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Do you believe that is his only reason? This sounds to me like you previously thought, or circumstances lead you to believe, that he loved you 'more,' that the lack of physical affection in their relationship caused him to love her 'less.' Maybe he even believed this, and shared this with you.

Is it possible that he is feeling a renewed love for Julie? You might not have been expecting to truly 'share' him. Even if Julie is doing things for attention, in her own odd way, she is expressing that he matters to her.

You could very well be surprised by the feelings that still exist between them, more then you thought you would be. I mean this well-- in order to feel that competitive streak rise, you would've had to felt 'ahead' in the first place.
 
I was just wondering if anyone knows how Julie might be feeling? Do you think she'll just let go emotionally, even if she knows about Jared's affair with the OW? I see her putting up some strong fight for this man, albeit silently. I bet she must be getting help to overcome her sexual challenges to restore her wedlock.
 
acepartner said:
I was just wondering if anyone knows how Julie might be feeling? Do you think she'll just let go emotionally, even if she knows about Jared's affair with the OW? I see her putting up some strong fight for this man, albeit silently. I bet she must be getting help to overcome her sexual challenges to restore her wedlock.
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What do you mean by "let go"--are you speaking of her allowing for another partner for him or something else?

Her "wedlock" is just fine, as the two of them appear to have a happy relationship. Him having another partner, from the description we've been given, hasn't had an ill effect on their union; indeed, it appears to have helped. And if their relationship is better now than it was before he found another partner, then the additional partner can be said to have helped them.

I have to say I'm suspicious of your phrasing. I can't tell if you're just trying to state things from her possible point of view, or if you're just trying to troll.
 
Magdlyn said:
This. First post: "affair," "wedlock."

Buh bye
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Affair? Wedlock? I agree. Buh Bye. Obviously this first-time poster has issues with this whole deal.

No, it's not an affair.
No, it's not a secret from her.
The three of us have even travelled together on vacation.

She has issues, no question. How she really feels is anyone's guess. I don't know that either he or I will ever get the real answer. All we can do is try to be honest from each of our positions and hope for the best.
 
competition

"Love and sex are not a competition"...?
Reading this set off alarm bells and gave me a bit of an "Aha!" moment. Love isn't inherently competitive, but I'm pretty sure sex is, or at least contains a strong element of competition. Watch people at a nightclub, read Lyall Watkins' Dark Nature, Dawkins' Selfish Gene, or anything on sexuality in natural selection. Surely we do compete for sexual partners?

I think this is very much connected to our cultural history of monogamy and the challenge/threat that the idea of polyamory is perceived as by many people.

Sorry, kind of meandering off topic, but this interests me.
 
Nicraq, you have a good point. And you're onto something based on the literature that you've quoted.

Where this probable "competiton" comes into play for me is that Jared had told me the reason that they opened their relationship was due to sexual issues. Julie lost interest in him, completely, yet she did have that interest in another. So they opened the relationship.

He does continue, several years later, to try to reignite that with her, to no avail. She actually flinches if he tries to touch her in a non-platonic manner. Before I witnessed that reaction, I did have a true fear that if they were to regain that, then I would no longer be required. And that did scare me, a lot. :confused:
 
When love is plentiful and both of the potential partners who are sought after are willing and available, why compete? Hopefully, it's not like the Highlander movies where "there can be only one." :)

Newtoday, while I really don't like the idea of comparing either, are there other reasons that Jared could find you to be unique and special? Are there other qualities you and he could focus on? Even in bed, lovers are unique. Perhaps you both enjoying biking and Julie does not. Broadening the ways you see and share your love could help.
 
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