In the garden

In Loving Memory - Trask

A year ago today, Trask died.

I woke up to a text from his phone about a fortnight later:

"hello [Evie]. I find I can't do this in person so please don't call. But I made you a promise. [Trask] passed away on June 1st of a stroke. Sorry it's an sms but it's all I am capable of right now [Wife]."

I thanked her for keeping her promise, that I hadn't stumbled across it.

Then I turned my facebook back on and looked at the funeral pics, the memorial page, everything.

Once upon a time, when I was 22 and they were early 40s, I was their unicorn, except unsurprisingly I loved her but was deeply and utterly in love with him. And he with me. And he told her that he wanted to leave her for me. And at first I was devastated by the idea and I tried to prevent it. But he talked me around. But then he could never quite do it. And I told him to stop thinking like that, that the window had closed.

And there were years of heartbreak, misery, depression (and he often refused to take his meds). She stopped talking to me. Trask and I stayed in touch as I grew up, got a degree, got engaged, broke up, got married to Adam. But it was sporadic, and I could hear his pain whenever we spoke.

One of my happiest memories was a night playing canasta - Trask, his wife, their 16 year old son, and me. (Their daughter was out that night). But I became the bad guy as far as the rest of the family was concerned. Which is also heartbreaking, because I loved them too. But I'm now hated by all.

And in some ways I am relieved that his tortured soul left this world. He'd told me a while ago that he felt he had nothing left to do here.

But I'd always hoped to see him again. I haven't traveled to Australia since the last time I saw them when I was 25, but I had hope it might happen. Now, there's none.
 
:( <3
 
Thank you, Lunabunny.

As it has always done, my life moves onwards.

I have two assignments due today. They're done, I uploaded one last night, and the other is a case of winning with the (new) scanner and uploading.

I've had some lovely, happy, long conversations with Lance over the past week. Last night, "I love you" fell out of his mouth in that matey kind of way. He was teasing me about how easy I am to tease. Banter, not sexual. I partly expect it's spillover from, I assume, him saying it easily to Jen. I've done that before. I got so used to saying I love you to Adam when we signed off on the phone that I automatically said it to my Dad when signing off from him.
We. Don't. Do. That. In. Our. Family.

But I digress.

This morning, I woke and checked Fet and he's published a new poem - not unusual in itself - but there are multiple references to things associated with me that I think it may be about me. I'm far too insecure to ask outright, though. I left a love on it, but then I do that for all his writings. Jen hasn't been loving his stuff, but it also looks like she hasn't been online for about a week. He's already expressed concern that she seems to be pulling away. I hope it will all be alright again when he goes to visit her in July.
 
Adam's away at the moment, which means I've spent an extraordinary amount of time talking to some other friends - not all instigated by me!

First, the half funny, half really annoying one. Cheese. Or more accurately, his "it's complicated" used his phone behind his back to message me pretending to be him. So totally out of the blue, I get a message saying, "I love her." (she'd been the subject of our previous chat in that medium so she could see I'd wished him well with her, and then he'd said he knew he was muppet for going back with her). Here we go:

"HIM" I love her

ME Sure, [Cheese]. That's a bit random, but all good.

"HIM" I do
"HIM" That's why I'm with her

ME Just be sure to stay with her then, and not land your ass in jail again

"HIM" If I go to jail is cause of something I do

ME That's generally the way it works, yep
ME Is this you telling me you don't want us to have the same friendship we've had?

HIM Sorry, [psycho it's complicated] was playing music on my phone. Just saw only your messages. Don't know what she said but sorry again.

ME I wondered.
ME I was just about to start talking dirty.
[we chatted for a while after that]

So by, the end of the chat, we'd come to the agreement that any time I hear from him, the very first thing he should expect to hear or see back is something explicit :cool: And he got a picture out of that conversation he said he was going to make his wallpaper. Muwahaha. Listen to music on his phone now, b**** :D

OK, so who else. Ahhh, yes, Golf aka Sir. God I love that Fet has turned the PM function into a dual IM function. We actually had some realtime conversation. We talked about the things he's growing into wanting to explore with me (never going to happen...unless he becomes single again) and how he feels there's a darkness in those things. I'll spare you the details, but it's not outrageous. It's definitely becoming harder for him, though.. having a vanilla, mono, conservative partner. But the rest of their lives are wonderful, truly, so he talks to me, visits prostitutes (legal here) and gets on with the other 95% of his life as a successful businessman and partner. And yes, I choose to aid and abet in this small way, because I know what it's like having a core part of yourself neglected in a relationship (I went through that with my ex fiance).

I spoke with Lance a couple of days ago, so I'll probably hear from him tomorrow morning or tomorrow night. 13 hour time differences make for some interesting greetings :) He's going well with Jen as far as he's talked about her. His trip to the States is less than a month away. I hope she's got the energy there to give him the love he so very much needs right now. I think I mentioned that he had to farewell Sparky dog. And last I spoke to him he thinks one of his cats has taken herself off to die. She had been going a little doolally recently (at age 19) so it's feasible. But horrible timing. So I hope Jen has a lot of hugs for him.

And of course I've talked to Adam whenever possible, but he's been on a course all day today (and will be tomorrow) and then spending Monday visiting his sons (they still all flat together).

Tomorrow I'm having visitors around in the afternoon. A poly family of kinky hippy backpackers (FFM triad). We've met them once before, and I've been talking to a couple of them separately, so this will be a nice afternoon tea getting to know them all and perhaps sharing skill sets.

And that's the week in a nutshell :)
 
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Lance isn't even sure about his trip to the States right now. I mean, he's going, but as of this morning he might be going to visit his brother, instead.

Something is going on with Jen and her ex bf. I woke to long messages from Lance venting and asking if, based on his recount, he feelings and concerns were valid. I affirmed that his feelings were, yet there may not be the need for the concerns he's having, but he needs to talk to her about it, again, and not be left with 1/4 truths and dismissals. He asked how. Valid question. I said I didn't really know how because I don't know her at all, but in order to be truthful she's probably going to have to feel totally safe with expressing her truth (including if she's had some kind of reunion with her ex, which it appears). How to create this safe space for her, I have no idea.

So he said he'd be in touch (with me later) and went off to talk to her before work. He didn't get back to me before his bedtime. So hopefully he's got what he needs and is sleeping soundly. I know he hasn't been sleeping so well lately, with Sparky dying, his cat missing, Jen being distant and cagey then suddenly all affectionate again just as she becomes her ex's only friend on Fet.....

I'm watching this space. His brother is good at picking up the pieces. He did after the end of Lance's last relationship.

And let's be honest, I'm really trying hard here to be non-biased anywhere, because I would support their happily ever after, but obviously I would really have preferred to have him visit me this year, not her. As he runs his own business, I really don't think he'll be able to take another few weeks off next January for another overseas trip. But, there's no hurry. I'm not going anywhere either. And, waiting is.
 
Oh yay, he did it, he talked with her and is feeling much better! Whew!!!
 
I'm running my first kink event this weekend.

Well, besides a munch. It's been about two years since I joined Fetlife because Adam wanted a shibari lesson. Gosh how far we've come. I've explored masochism, very much in part to Spork's post from a couple of years ago describing her experiences. Thanks Spork :) I'd link to the post but I'm not clever at finding things and doing that like Kevin is.

So the event is going to be tiny on any scale you measure it by. Small city in a small country etc etc. But it's more than just our usual parties and we have vetted out of towners coming because it's Friday evening to Sunday morning with dinner on Friday, and a meet and greet; classes/discussion groups/tasters all day Saturday, and a play party on Saturday night. The venue is a booked country house. We have some people staying overnight, and one out of town couple staying on an extra night to themselves (I haven't met them but they come highly recommended). I've been fielding emails for about two weeks, and managing a discussion thread with people who wanted to tear us down when we first advertised it.

This post is mostly so I can look back in the future and be reminded of it and how I was feeling a few days out.

Because I'm excited but also a little scared about the feedback. Sure, I'm happy to learn, but there has already been people whinging about short notice, concerned about venue heating because it's vaulted ceilings, and paranoid about wooden floors (I'm bringing carpet squares for under the two suspension frames and massage table). We don't have crosses or benches or the like and I wasn't going to hire them for this (yes, there's a guy who has stuff for hire a few hours from here).

Also, if anyone has done event management for this kinda thing before, what might blindside me?

I'd love this to be the first of many, and I mean really, it's kinda ideal to start this small, I just really hope it goes well. I'm doing it because at the last munch the attendees basically passed the motion for it lol. I'm just the fool with the credit card that secured the venue, discovered I couldn't get a one night hire so got two and developed a program to fill up the time.

I'm an s-type and I just want people to have nice things. A local rope educator has been a great help, and Adam has talked me down off the ceiling a couple of times when I've been concerned no one would come and I'd just end up with a big bill.

But people are coming, I'm not going to break even but I'm not painfully out of pocket either.

Oh, and I have finals on Friday and Monday LOL.
 
The mini-convention and party went fantastically well. It was the right sized venue for the number of people we ended up with. A few people got lost, but considering Google maps took me to the door, I'm not fussing about their broken GPS services.

My friend feed this morning is filled with new friendships, so many people who just met want to stay connected. We had a few out of town visitors and they made the party different and awesome. Everyone said they were so happy for this level of event... Small (seriously, we are super small at about 22 people) but diverse. There were people there to try things, do planned things, and to watch. There were, I think, 6 first time party goers and zero drama. The local veterans (years longer in the scene than me) including Mike, were both impressed, and the out of town visitors clearly enjoyed themselves.

Things I learnt:
Don't trust aerial photos for carpark size unless you can count spaces specifically. It looked big. 15 cars said otherwise.
Locals get excited by out of towners, it brings something fresh. I advertised in our neighboring groups who we know and no one showed. I advertised in Wellington and no bites. I didn't advertise in Auckland but got one random from there anyway who could "travel through" for this coming week's work. And although he couldn't bring any of his regular partners because they weren't available, he said other friends of his expressed interest.

Today I'm shattered, but enjoying the day hanging out with Adam. He made me a cooked breakfast in bed, and I'm making my favourite comfort food for dinner. Then I will talk with Lance tonight.

I have an exam tomorrow afternoon, and Adam has part one of a molar replacement. His dentist is out of town, closer to SIS's place, and he's thinking about possibly staying there.

And I have a play date planned for next weekend with a guy called Danny. His triad was at the party, and they visited me last Sunday, his partners and I get along so great. I rather hope they'll turn into genuine long term friends. They are backpackers at the moment, and I simply hope that when they settle down we have the finances to visit them (Stateside location).
 
My play date cancelled :mad:
Yes, yes, I have no right to be mad, people change their minds (his reason was rethinking his preferred expression of poly, for all I know they may be closing to external partners). But after a couple of people changing their relationship statuses after we've made a plan, I'm getting a little gun shy.

And my last two finals sucked. Monday's especially. But I didn't finish either of them. That was a surprise.

Mike and I are talking heaps at the moment. It's nice to reconnect. The conversation has confirmed that we do hold space for each other. It's complicated AF, but it's nice, in it's own way :rolleyes:
 
So this weekend is quite social despite the cancellation. I invited Shakespeare up to visit on Sunday so so long as he's well enough to drive, I have at least one 1-1 catch up.

Tonight I'm going to a catch up with some friends from last weekend. Just a small group Friday night sit around and chat thing (for the most part, anyway) and Mike will be there, although he's got his hands a little full already.

Then there's a "travelling munch" on Saturday lunchtime about two and a half hours south. There's a very slow chance I'll keep going south after that to see a currently nameless friend and maybe tale him to his local dungeon, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I may just come home.

The Adam is home on Monday with a couple of international guests. It will be totally different headspace and conversation, so that's nice.

The friends I'm going to see tonight are a live in triad, which started as a V (well, technically as a couple, then a V) but the women have been becoming closer so they're beginning to think of themselves and announced l themselves as a triad. Mike is also partnered with one of the women "permanently" (she's collared by him), and everyone tends to have more casual relationships/play partnerships outside the committed relationships. It's nice. I sometimes feel on the outside a bit, but that's partly a geographical distance thing, too.

I've been thinking about my ideal living situation. In fantasy dream world, I'd like a working male very close (emotionally and sexually) friend who dates/has a relationship/s with poly/friendly others. I'd want to be able to be physical with him, or with Adam around him (even behind closed doors I'm kinda noisy), without feeling like it's awkward. Chalk would be the closest type of friend like that we have now, but even then... probably not.

But we live in a place where that's never going to happen, so I'm happy with it staying fantasy.
 
Speaking to Lance this morning... He flies out to see Jen in just over a week.
He's mad at himself that however it's unfolded, and he's spared me the details, she wants to pretend I don't exist. So he's already seriously thinking this will be his last visit, even though I keep telling him that when he's in her company again all his anxiety will fall away. Yes, I'm conflating a number of issues here. They're really probably not going to work in the long term even without my existence, but I appreciate that he's considering the value of our fuzzy space thing.
Thing is, if this was truly going to be his happy ever after, I'd wish him well and bid him adieu. But if he's not convinced, on multiple levels, then I will continue to be in his life, and ask him to pick a more poly-friendly partner :rolleyes:
 
Backing up a little, Shakespeare did come and visit (first time here) and he liked my home and my cooking and we had a fun evening with lots of chatting. I told him about this forum and that I call him Shakespeare, and he liked that too :)

After he left, I had choir practice that evening, then I got home to Adam having got back from down south with his guests. I spent some time talking with all of them. Good conversation! Then we had a quiet day on Tuesday and a big sightseeing day yesterday. On Tuesday, one of the guests started hugging me - looooong hugs, and on Tuesday it progressed to pecks on the lips. It's quite remarkable how comfortable this is. Totally in the open, no butterflies of excitement or particularly sexualized feelings or even thoughts, just a joyful lightness that this is how it should be.

Adam is driving them north, starting Friday (tomorrow), and they fly out on Sunday, so that will be that for a year.
I have a munch to host on Saturday, and choir concerts on Sunday and Monday. I only joined a month ago, but I read music and am chorally trained back in school, so I've dived right in. Unfortunately Adam will miss this first concert, but shit happens.

Then looking well ahead, a rigger from the event I organised is passing through town again and wants to include me on his dance card. That's somewhere around the 8th/9th/10th, not sure yet.

Today I've agreed to meet a noob guy who is interested in coming to Saturday's munch. He was being...keen...so I called him on it and said I wasn't coming back into town but he could come the 40mins south to see me. Usually that puts people right off, but it backfired as he said he was staying down this way for a couple of days anyway. So I have a 1pm meeting. Which means I can't go out with the Adam and visitors today. But I'll come home and bake and cook for them and that'll be my happiness :)
 
The visitors will leave today (it got delayed a day), and Adam will be away for a couple of days as he takes them north for their flight (Sunday night). It's been fun having them here, but I'm looking forward to having the house back to just us. It's the middle of winter so I do wear more clothes, but I miss being able to be naked in small moments.

So Adam's away this weekend, and next, and I'm away the following one. Saturday afternoon I'm hosting our monthly munch. Then on Sunday and Monday I have my first choir performances. It's a busy wee time.

And I had a bit of a text based chat with the visiting rigger last night ("negotiations") and it seems like a very good fit in values and desires. He'll be here in around 8-9 days. It seems like I'm top of his dance card, too, which is just wow. When I was unsure of Adam's exact schedule, I said to the rigger to make his other plans first. He gently growled me for that. So whatever other plans he might be making, he's helping me feel like a priority. It feels like no one but Adam has done that in a long time. It's humbling, and scary, because I'm so used to making way for others.

Last time I spoke with Lance, there were all sorts of unspoken bits that I'm simply filing for later, much later, speaking about. But I have a call booked with him on Sunday night so I'll be able to tell him all about my choir performance!

Right, I'm writing this in the middle of the night because I can't sleep. Time to go try again.
 
It's in the silences.
They are comfortable, yet incredibly laden with feeling.
I am so high on that mutual, unspoken love right now.
It feels deeper than ever before. Foundational, not tentative.

"Don't make me flirt with you," I teased.
"When do you not?" he laughed.
"Don't make me dial it up to 10," I countered, smirking.

He leaves for the States in four days.
I told him to clip his toenails before he goes.
No one likes a surprise scratch when trying to snuggle in bed, feet intertwining, then OW!

He insisted we have another call before he goes.
And he wants to know he can call me while he's there.
He is staying in an Airbnb since she has kids.
So he will have time to himself.
He said he would finish writing my "punishment" (a blog entry on his business website that only I would know had a second meaning).

I don't know what will happen when he gets back.
I hope he comes back with a renewed vigour for their relationship and development thereof.
I hope he comes back and calls it quits.

I'm reluctant to be more than what we are now, for fear of it ending.
I want to believe in the possibility that Adam suggested: that once I'm fully qualified (2.5 years), I look for jobs in Lance's city and we move there, at least for a while.
I really want him to visit me so I can show him around my beautiful country.
I want to visit him and not leave the house for two weeks

I want our friendship to never end.
I accept that it may have to if they escalate.
And I will grieve.
But I won't regret that I love him.
 
Lance arrived in the States a few hours ago. And I'm feeling very sorry for myself.
 
Adam's visiting Chalk in Chalk's town today. He sent me a pic of Chalk looking very hot. I love that I can blatantly tell him that hahaha. But seriously, Chalk is getting better with age. I'm curious to see how he eventually suits his 40s. Men get really good in their 40s IMO.

I tried to talk to Mike but he's not feeling chatty to me at the moment. His bff is in town and they're catching up this afternoon so I'm happy for him. He's happy for me that I've got a visitor coming over on Sunday, though. The rigger from the party. I may yet fly for the first time! (Shibari).

Golf has written me a couple of notes today, too. That helped immensely with my mood :cool:

I'm so, so blessed with an abundance of amazing people. I wish I had more in person time with many of them, but I get to love them regardless.
 
I wish I'd known

https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

I dated a man last year. It wasn't easy.
Had I known anything about borderline personality disorder then, I may have made different choices. Like taking him to a doctor to begin a diagnosis process.
Now, it's too late. I broke up with him so I'm shunned from any further contact.

So yes, it would have been helpful if someone had said to me, here, read this, does it resonate? Because then I could have had a little confidence to say, "let's get you to a doctor."
 
Lance is MIA.

I hope this means he's having a great time.

I'm disappointed that his assurances that he'd had plenty of time to catch up with me while she's at work/with her kids were... ambitious? Optimistic?

I'm not sure how I'll deal with whatever comes next.
 
A newish friend, the rigger from the weekend minicon, offered to contribute to a new laptop today. I had to politely decline. I pointed out he'd found my Achilles heel. I cannot accept unearned money from anyone but my parents and my best friend. I even struggled when Adam paid for our lunches yesterday. I know, it's nuts. I just had new chick friend tell me to "just bring you" to our catch up this afternoon. Faaarrrrqqq.

I can see that Lance has been online (god bless WhatsApp) so I'm doing my best to not worry about him. 4 days until he's home. I wonder how long until I hear from him. And what kind of mood he'll be in.

I've been hearing from Mike a bit, too. We were talking about behaviour modification and the little influences he has over me. Actually, he and Adam have been more buddy buddy lately. I just wish they'd cook up something experiential between them for me LOL. But that's selfish thought only. I'm genuinely pleased that they're building their own friendship. Mike's cute when he's getting to know anyone. He gets enthusiastic and hungry for exchange of ideas.

I've hit the wall with my thoughts. And I have to go try convince a new doc to keep up with my medical plan (next CT due in November to monitor the growth of a thing on my lung.) It's too small to biopsy yet. But last doc said 6 months this time, not a year, so although he didn't give me a new measurement, something must have changed. They don't think it's cancer because it's on the outside. But we'll find out eventually I guess.
 
Adam had an after work beer with Mike yesterday. They had fun, they both reported back to me how much they enjoyed each other's conversation.

Then Adam went off on what turned into a date. Sweet, that part was fine. What wasn't fine was a phone service glitch that meant I couldn't get hold of him once bedtime rolled around and he still wasn't home and no word.

This is exactly the stuff that spikes my worry.

I messaged Mike because he has date girl's number. He messaged her, and then I played stupid phone match three games until I heard from Adam. The grapevine didn't precisely work, Adam did get to his phone and snap it out of the glitch before she got to hers, but I was just so glad he was still there and hadn't left to come home a couple of hours before and not made it.

I thanked Mike.

I cried with relief.

And Adam is very sorry, and we'll update our systems so I have access to a contact detail other than him when he's out (and vice versa).
 
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