In the garden

Hi OnceAndFuture

Yep, Scarfies we were. Dunedin is an excellent city, and certainly when I was growing up NZ music was dominated by the 'Dunedin Sound'. The Clean, the Verlaines, Straight Jacket Fits, Tall Dwarfs, Jean-Paul Satre Experience were all staples of the age. If you haven't already heard it, Muttonbirds cover of 'Nature' is worth listening to:

And as an aside, I have been following your posts- your nick attracted my attention as it immediately reminded me of T.H. White's 'Once and Future King'. An intended reference?

Hi OnceAndFuture

Yep, Scarfies we were. Dunedin is an excellent city, and certainly when I was growing up NZ music was dominated by the 'Dunedin Sound'. The Clean, the Verlaines, Straight Jacket Fits, Tall Dwarfs, Jean-Paul Satre Experience were all staples of the age. If you haven't already heard it, Muttonbirds cover of 'Nature' is worth listening to:

Oh I remember Straitjacket Fitz (I think that's how it was spelled). We listened to one of their albums a lot. Listening to the Dunedin Sound got me into listening to power-pop and now a lot of my favorite bands are in that genre.

And as an aside, I have been following your posts- your nick attracted my attention as it immediately reminded me of T.H. White's 'Once and Future King'. An intended reference?


Actually my other thought for a nickname was "I Was A King", also a bit modeled on that phrase (and the name of a different power-pop band). I'm familiar with the phrase but not that book in particular.

Thank you for reading my stuff! Evie writes so concisely, I apologize in advance for my verbosity.
it's not just one conversation

<grabs blog and yanks it back> hehehe

So, a recent thought I shared with an individual I also said I'd put here, mostly for my reflection in the future :)

A lot of people come on here asking how to talk with their partners about poly. One recently was replied to with the wise words of Kevin that it's never just one conversation. It's most definitely not. And I love all the conversations I've had with Adam. I've learned so much. I've actually learned where my assumptions about his were wrong! It's been awesome :) :) :)


One night talking with Adam (because for the last 9 months we've done nothing but talk, and nightly), I blurted out, "I just want *me* back." I'd been trying to quell my poly nature, restrict the intimacies I expressed with other people in a (misguided) notion of protecting Adam. Then when I said that I thought I'd done real damage - because even I fall into the trap of thinking to want "me" is to not want the marriage. But he wasn't even phased when I called him back and said, "I'm afraid that something I said earlier might have hurt you". He didn't even know what I was referring to! It was all transference from me! So I continue to learn what pushes my buttons as I go through this place of learning to live in a marriage as well as needing my other connections to remain what they are and evolve naturally into what may come rather than try and fence them in now I'm married. So yeah, I'm loving this self-discovery. And discovering what doesn't affect Adam, and what does that wouldn't affect me.


And yes, he's been home for 12 days now. What an adventure!!! So much in so short time.

But I'm still waiting to hear about that damn job, which indicates to me that I've missed out and they are waiting to get the preferred candidate totally locked in. Bugger. <<< you really want to watch that, it's so Kiwi (NZ).
What a day...

Yesterday, I got the call about the job I interviewed for 3 weeks ago. I got it!!! So I have a job until at least the end of June, with a pay rise, and after training in next town to the right (I currently work in next town to the left), I will be based locally, so that's about $70 a week in travel savings right there. And back on the ladder. And hopefully an interesting (and certainly challenging) job.

Then, a couple of hours later, on my way out the door to a "date" with a new friend (his wife called it a date, so I'm just running with that), I look at my phone and see I've missed a call from my dad. I was rather expecting this. So I call back, and yes, grandma just died. We weren't close since I grew up, but she was a pretty good grandma when I was little.

Thank you, Thursday, for that emotional roller coaster.

Oh, and how did the "date" go? Well, about 90 mins in, said wife calls and she's been out inspecting the sheep and one is fly blown. Ugh, gross. But it needs attention Now. She came and picked us up, dropped me home, and then they went and saved the sheep's life. Yes, it lived through the night. Onwards and upwards.

So now it's Friday. I went to work, got sent home on bereavement leave (I'll take the other two days next week for the funeral in Wellington), and now Adam and I are off to Auckland for the weekend because I have a ticket to see Teal Swan on Sunday. Never a dull moment.

So I'll be off the radar for a few days, then a few more. Sorry for delays in responses (you know who you are :) )

That is an emotional rollercoaster. I wish you and your family peace in this time of loss.

I am very glad to hear about your new job! Congratulations! :)

I hope that you and Adam enjoy your trip to Auckland and that Teal Swan is a source of enlightenment.
Oh Evie I am so sorry for the loss of your grandma. Big hugs. Its fine to be off the radar, I do much the same at times :)

Anyway, the date sounds promising, except the unexpected incident. I hope to hear more about him :D

Have fun with your husband and good on you taking care of yourself right now.
And in the words of my uncle: "now the witch is dead we can get back to being a family again."

So yeah, the main loss that was felt this past few days, was the loss of the last 25 years or so.

I'll keep this one short, and move on with something more jovial in the next wee while :)

kia kaha
Sorry for the rollercoaster. Take good care of yourself. I am glad Adam is by your side.
Thanks Mags :)

Well, the sheep did die, I don't know when but apparently now it's fertilising the vege garden from below.

I finished up my job yesterday and start my new one on Monday, locally, so no more 40 mins of travel. Not constantly, anyway. I've been told there will be a lot of training 40 mins in the other direction for the first few months, but that's OK, I get to share a fleet car for some of that courtesy of the sheep owner, who usually drives it. Who totally kicked my ass at pool last Thursday. I'm so out of practice. Must remedy that.

So time management will change somewhat. I'm not a morning person, however, so I don't know if I will really end up putting that to particularly energetic use. These people that hit the gym at 5am perplex me. But then I certainly need to hit the gym sometime, who knows, I might like it.......

What I have been liking is the little bit of communication I've had with Golf. In some ways he has more trouble staying away than I do. So yeah, we did get back in touch, and we've enhanced the dynamic, but it's very much psychological more than physical. We've talked about the remarkably inconvenient timing (of life) for this, because he's probably just found the woman he's going to marry (my assumption, he hasn't quite declared that yet, but it's looking like it's on the cards). And she's not kinky or poly. Or sympathetic to poly. So he's said that on balance he's chosen to give up many of his previous exploits and connections because life with her is simply too good to risk it. So once in a while we chat - as friends (he's always been highly supportive of my job searching and interested in my general well-being) and occasionally I get a few texts with some instructions and respond dutifully ;) Today is going to be one of those incredibly rare days that I might even get to see him in person for perhaps an hour, maybe. Just over a coffee at the cafe down the road. But I now call these intentions, not plans. I learned that one a while ago now.

And if that happens, then when I come home, Adam and I will prepare to head over and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in training town because there is Shakespeare in the Park tonight and they are doing Macbeth! We're going to take the opportunity for me to look for a bicycle, too. And quite possibly have really great fish and chips for dinner.

OK, better go freshen up after this morning's walk in the hot sun (apologies to those who are or have been knee deep or higher in snow).


Good thing I'm not a slow *cough* learner.

So, now Adam and I are going to the beach instead.

And this time he was able to hold my hand and see my pain while I explained that this is what happens 90% of the time. And it's never a total one way thing. It's simply that our available times generally just don't mesh.
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I am happy to hear about you and Adam's reunion and fun times together. I hope you enjoyed the beach, though Shakespeare sounded fun too.

We only have about 5" of snow on the ground, but it was -12 (here in Mass.) when I got up this morning. Yikes. Record breaking cold. Luckily it will warm up after today to more normal temps.
Today is our second wedding anniversary. It has been wonderful. That is all ;)
Well hello, blog. Long time, no see.

My new job had a super long training and induction period, including a debacle of a database upgrade... And then, a rarity, I go and get a 2 day migraine. I've probably had less than one week of actually *doing* my job. Then next week and the week after are short ones because of the 4 day Easter break. I hope I have time to prove I can actually do my job before I'm staring down the barrel of contract renewal time.

Dead sheep friend is a bust. Turns out wifey is all talk in her comfort levels. A fortnight ago, Adam and I went there for a bbq and that was just a nightmare. I couldn't do anything right, so I did everything wrong. I played with their kids, I offered to comfort a crying one (lead balloon, folks) and then, when it was down to just the four of us I - oh dear god no - touched sheep friend on the knee as I was laughing about something. Adam had his own turn at a faux pas by saying something slightly bawdy (can't remember what) in front of the 13 year old, who responded with a good humoured, "I'm old enough to know what that means, and young enough to not *want* to know what that means" - I do like that kid!

Most remarkably when Adam and I went back to get my bicycle the next day, wifey invited us in for a cup of tea! Everything seemed fine at that point in time, but no, I got told that 5am the following Tuesday morning she decided it was time to tell hubby that we were touching "too much". This is the guy who allegedly has permission to kiss other women. Bahahaha.

Reason number 1 not to be poly.... insecure metamours.

In case anyone was wondering, I was the one that Once and Future was talking to, and even I have absolutely no idea what the hell happened over there. I got the same type of message as posted on his blog, just with an added, "please don't attempt to contact me again." Sweet as, dude.

So, fingers crossed I'll get to catch up with Tech next Friday. It's been ages now. It's Good Friday of course, so that might mean hanging out with his wife all the time too, but that's ok, she's not too bad. A bit ditzy at times, and occasionally says something which asserts her territory, but it doesn't bother me. Tech and I usually exchange a subtle grin whenever she does that. We know what we are to each other, and we don't need sex to express it.

I finally managed to have an in person catch up with Golf - half an hour wandering around a lake. It was nice, neither of us had been there before so were both pleasantly surprised by the vista. Seems like he and his partner have hit their first real hurdle - the dreaded familiarity/work stress/tiredness trinity. They work together and live together, but the playing together.... sounds like it's time for a romantic trip away. I hope they can schedule it soon (when you own your own business, nothing that time heavy is spontaneous).

Nice seeing you again, blog. Bye for now.
Damnit, just when you think you know what's what...

I mention sheep friend, and today, voila, he's back messaging me. Working through stuff with wifey, establishing boundaries, working on moving forward, not just with regards to our temporarily-on-hold friendship but all the people he's likely to connect with in whatever way in the future. I'm really glad their discussions aren't just about me. I'm extraordinarily glad that they are communicating about, well, anything/everything. But in the last day or two - I didn't notice when - she unfriended me (but not Adam) on facebook. This is just getting silly, really. Adam's sage words tonight, when I was unloading on him, were about whether there is really any benefit for me, personally, in the friendship - whatever it's going to look like once the dust settles, if it ever does - or whether I should just let go of something that's not going to enrich my life. I still hold some hope for it. When we can relax and just be friends, it's great. I'm just sick of the logistics of trying to just *be* friends.

Familiar much?

And I mention O'n'F and he reappears, "disappointed" that I owned my role in his life this past wee while. Yes I'd requested privacy during the conversations - I'm sure followers of his blog could see why, but working off the most recent information I had, he was never coming back here. I am not responsible for that disappointment. But apparently by choosing to instant message via skype I was the catalyst for the past weeks of hell. However I also didn't see it as anything untoward, so I'm not sorry I picked that medium for what turned out to be a single conversation. Sometimes PMs acting like emails are good, sometimes real time chat is too. Each have their fortes. Either way I was never a threat to The Signal.

Damn I wish these wives would unbunch their panties.

Now, I've considered these two men as growing friendships more than anything else, one an ocean away, the other probably too close for comfort - and still the wives flip their lids over my existence and communication with their husbands. From my perspective, both should be fucking grateful that it's me, a person very much *without* a 'husband stealing' agenda (I'm perfectly happy with mine thank you very much).

And I do get to go hang out with Tech on Friday. Wheeeee.

Oh, and Golf's lady has hurt her back badly enough that she's out of, er, action for a while :( :( :(
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I actually feel really sad for O'n'F.

He never did get back in touch with me, even during that wee flurry of newer posts. Maybe I was too flippant on here when I was peeved about getting such a blunt, information-less non-contact request. Maybe then expressing that I found his disappointment somewhat baffling was too challenging for him during all the other crap going on. I don't know. Looks like I'll never know. I'm sorry my reactions made me the bad guy. I hope Claire can continue to provide him some off forum support.

I can only hope for him that his life with The Signal reaches a place where they are both happy being. The blog title asks... Finally, there is clarity? Sadly, there certainly does seem to be. Clarity, however, has been rather ruthless in this instance, exposing the fragility of interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal beliefs.

p.s. Iris - the movie about Iris Murdoch's life and death - is one of the greatest movies you'll ever see. It stars Dame Judi Dench and Kate Winslet as old and young Iris.
Over in another thread, this was posted:

Or maybe I'll be just as happy dating some other guys wife and let him deal with the day to day grind I'll have the cake. It's really sort of like having a cleaning lady once a week or every other week they come and do there thing. Right now it's perfect.

I identify with this sentiment. I've said it before... I'd rather be secondary.

There was another illustration of that given recently in the form of: when do we move/when can I visit/really enjoyed you and might see you again one day.

I'm a visitor.


I visited Tech last weekend; Siege, Chalk and Cheese last year. I'd like to visit some other folks given the chance - one trip to Aussie, another to the US. Right now, that's not doable financially, but I still keep it in mind. Rather a lot, actually. I'm not actually dating any of these people, there isn't particularly regular contact with most these days - the intimacies we share have been formed over long periods, often with intense contact in the earlier stages, but then settling into an enduring, loving friendship. They are more than friends, more than friends with benefits. Sex isn't a part of every relationship. But I consider them all lovers because the love is tangible, I feel it intensely, and I share intimacies with each, although these are often expressed in quite different ways. I'm also developing a platonic friendship right now, yet still with its own forms of intimacy. It's very cool.

As an aside, I've noticed a lot of defining and labeling discussions around here recently. Does anyone else notice that themes seem to come in waves? Although I'm sure it's more where my attention is drawn than the objective reality about the types of posts - or perhaps it is the reality, but I'm not going to do a statistical discourse analysis on it.
I haven't been around long enough to notice theme patterns, other than new posters who often have one of the same few issues again and again...but I hear ya on the labeling and defining trend. I've participated in that, because I like using language tools to structure my thoughts and analyze my world. I like discussing how different terms have different meaning to different people.
As an aside, I've noticed a lot of defining and labeling discussions around here recently. Does anyone else notice that themes seem to come in waves? Although I'm sure it's more where my attention is drawn than the objective reality about the types of posts - or perhaps it is the reality, but I'm not going to do a statistical discourse analysis on it.

I think it's because seeing a similar-but-not-quite post will often inspire people to think about something, and thus to post their own thread. I know I do that sometimes.
Spork and icesong, I identify with both of those statements as I certainly get inspired by other threads, and language is certainly a primary tool in my life. I enjoy other symbols too. But often it's language that gets me into trouble.

Too flippant, too serious, too honest, too blunt.

"You can tell me anything," he said. Well, apparently not.

I'm tired. Or perhaps exhausted. Maybe jaded. Sometimes it feels like drowning. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all.

And right now I suspect this is simply obscure. A handful of words that aren't telling the whole story, because I no longer can. Because my story doesn't follow the rules. And I don't want judgment on top of my drowning.
My ex drank chardonnay. A lot of chardonnay. Enough that he spent a week in hospital once after ceasing said chardonnay for about 18 hours. And as the gf of a compulsive chardonnay drinker, I drank a lot of it too. So now, I really don't reach for the chardonnay. ABC.

Tonight my MIL is visiting. She brought chardonnay. I poured a glass, had a sip, and whammy. Memories. Enough that I want to talk about it here.

On a happier note, I was wrong about my interpretation as per my last post. I can still tell him anything. And it's our one year anniversary on Thursday.

I call him Sir quite a lot now. It's been an amazing journey.