Triadlove177
New member
Hello everyone,
I may be coming into this space kind of late in a long-term 3-person relationship, but we had no real idea what we have been doing and it turns out there are issues, at least for one of us, that have gone unresolved. Things are ROCKY, to say the least. This is going to be a VERY LONG introduction; TL;DR at the bottom.
I'm a 34m. We can refer to me as H. My wife, 33f who we'll call Mary, and I have been in an almost continuous relationship since 2004 and have been married for 8 years. We have always experimented with a partially -open sexual relationship. I say it's partially open, because it was always the two of us involved with either another person or a couple. We never really did sexual experiences on our own. A little over 2 years ago. we involved a woman, 31f who we'll call Sue, who was a close friend, in our relationship sexually, and both fell madly in love with her. We started officially dating 2 years ago. Our 2nd anniversary is in December. We like to call ourselves a triad, since we didn't like terms like throuple.
But the reason I'm looking for a community and knowledge now is that we have hit a major stumbling block in our relationship and it's hurting all of us severely. For our entire relationship, Sue has been seemingly honest about her wants and needs. She wanted to know that we were going to be moving towards a commitment ceremony, which Mary and I had been discussing. She wanted to live as just the 3 of us, as we had a roommate who was my best friend until recent events. She wanted the 3 of us to move somewhere where she'd feel safer. She wants to go somewhere that's more protective of women's and LGBTQ rights. Mary and I have been in overall full agreement with all of those as our goals, and have been working towards making them a reality. Sue also said she wanted our relationship to be closed to just the 3 of us, something that was really important to Mary, as well.
Now to the drama. Our roommate and Sue had a huge falling out over a year ago. He felt really close to her and wouldn't respect her emotional boundaries. He told her once that it wasn't ok for her to not let him vent to her, even if she said she didn't have the capacity for it at the moment. The 3 of us agreed he would move out next year, in 2024. I've been constantly keeping dialogue with him that he needs to be looking for a place to live.
Sue decided to make up with him (since he was such a close friend of mine), just the other month, while I was away on a month-long work trip. They seemed attached at the hip, immediately. While I was gone, he confessed his feelings to her. She realized she had feelings for him and told him as much, and told him that she needed to talk to Mary and me before anything could happen.
Sue approached Mary and me separately, talking to me first and waiting a couple days before talking to Mary. She said she had something to talk to me about, but that it wasn't anything big or heavy. She preceded to say "Vic and I realized we have feelings for each other. How would you feel if we pursued that?" My head was swirling. What did that even mean?
I did get some clarifications. She still wants the triad relationship. She still feels like there is value to him moving out. She thinks it might be valuable if he moved with us to another state. She doesn't want the triad to be an open relationship, but she does want us to be ok with her exploring this specific relationship with him.
She wants there to be a wall between Vic, Mary and me. Specifically, she said we can talk to her about relationship stuff, as she would be our partner. She would talk to him as he would be her partner. We couldn't talk to him at all about anything regarding the relationship.
Neither Mary nor I want to open the triad. We told her upfront that that isn't something we'd ever discussed, and don't want that for us right now.
Well, she has shut us out emotionally. She said that this is making her realize all the problems she has with Mary, me, and the triad. She has cancelled our anniversary plans. She will not make any future plans. (She said, "Why make plans if we might not even stay together?"). She will not talk to us about what she's talking to Vic about, or what she's even thinking about.
She went to another state to stay with her mother for Thanksgiving. Both Mary and I approached Vic about talking this out together as friends. He said he has a lot to process. He demanded I never stay up late with Sue again. (We had a few conversations that lasted until about 4am about why I did not want to open the triad just for her and him.) He hasn't spoken to either of us since.
We did finally get her to agree to therapy when she comes back.
TL;DR
In a 2-year closed 3-person relationship that wanted to live together, commit to each other, and move to another state together. Partner Sue asked to open the relationship just for her to date my best friend, and roommate, Vic, and that we separate Vic from my other partner Mary and myself. When we said we didn't want that for us, she cut us off emotionally, left the state to stay with her mom for Thanksgiving. Vic is not talking to us. All future plans were cancelled by Sue. Mary and I fought to get her to agree to therapy when she comes back.
Please feel free to drop feelings, advice, and which part of the forum I should post this next.
I may be coming into this space kind of late in a long-term 3-person relationship, but we had no real idea what we have been doing and it turns out there are issues, at least for one of us, that have gone unresolved. Things are ROCKY, to say the least. This is going to be a VERY LONG introduction; TL;DR at the bottom.
I'm a 34m. We can refer to me as H. My wife, 33f who we'll call Mary, and I have been in an almost continuous relationship since 2004 and have been married for 8 years. We have always experimented with a partially -open sexual relationship. I say it's partially open, because it was always the two of us involved with either another person or a couple. We never really did sexual experiences on our own. A little over 2 years ago. we involved a woman, 31f who we'll call Sue, who was a close friend, in our relationship sexually, and both fell madly in love with her. We started officially dating 2 years ago. Our 2nd anniversary is in December. We like to call ourselves a triad, since we didn't like terms like throuple.
But the reason I'm looking for a community and knowledge now is that we have hit a major stumbling block in our relationship and it's hurting all of us severely. For our entire relationship, Sue has been seemingly honest about her wants and needs. She wanted to know that we were going to be moving towards a commitment ceremony, which Mary and I had been discussing. She wanted to live as just the 3 of us, as we had a roommate who was my best friend until recent events. She wanted the 3 of us to move somewhere where she'd feel safer. She wants to go somewhere that's more protective of women's and LGBTQ rights. Mary and I have been in overall full agreement with all of those as our goals, and have been working towards making them a reality. Sue also said she wanted our relationship to be closed to just the 3 of us, something that was really important to Mary, as well.
Now to the drama. Our roommate and Sue had a huge falling out over a year ago. He felt really close to her and wouldn't respect her emotional boundaries. He told her once that it wasn't ok for her to not let him vent to her, even if she said she didn't have the capacity for it at the moment. The 3 of us agreed he would move out next year, in 2024. I've been constantly keeping dialogue with him that he needs to be looking for a place to live.
Sue decided to make up with him (since he was such a close friend of mine), just the other month, while I was away on a month-long work trip. They seemed attached at the hip, immediately. While I was gone, he confessed his feelings to her. She realized she had feelings for him and told him as much, and told him that she needed to talk to Mary and me before anything could happen.
Sue approached Mary and me separately, talking to me first and waiting a couple days before talking to Mary. She said she had something to talk to me about, but that it wasn't anything big or heavy. She preceded to say "Vic and I realized we have feelings for each other. How would you feel if we pursued that?" My head was swirling. What did that even mean?
I did get some clarifications. She still wants the triad relationship. She still feels like there is value to him moving out. She thinks it might be valuable if he moved with us to another state. She doesn't want the triad to be an open relationship, but she does want us to be ok with her exploring this specific relationship with him.
She wants there to be a wall between Vic, Mary and me. Specifically, she said we can talk to her about relationship stuff, as she would be our partner. She would talk to him as he would be her partner. We couldn't talk to him at all about anything regarding the relationship.
Neither Mary nor I want to open the triad. We told her upfront that that isn't something we'd ever discussed, and don't want that for us right now.
Well, she has shut us out emotionally. She said that this is making her realize all the problems she has with Mary, me, and the triad. She has cancelled our anniversary plans. She will not make any future plans. (She said, "Why make plans if we might not even stay together?"). She will not talk to us about what she's talking to Vic about, or what she's even thinking about.
She went to another state to stay with her mother for Thanksgiving. Both Mary and I approached Vic about talking this out together as friends. He said he has a lot to process. He demanded I never stay up late with Sue again. (We had a few conversations that lasted until about 4am about why I did not want to open the triad just for her and him.) He hasn't spoken to either of us since.
We did finally get her to agree to therapy when she comes back.
TL;DR
In a 2-year closed 3-person relationship that wanted to live together, commit to each other, and move to another state together. Partner Sue asked to open the relationship just for her to date my best friend, and roommate, Vic, and that we separate Vic from my other partner Mary and myself. When we said we didn't want that for us, she cut us off emotionally, left the state to stay with her mom for Thanksgiving. Vic is not talking to us. All future plans were cancelled by Sue. Mary and I fought to get her to agree to therapy when she comes back.
Please feel free to drop feelings, advice, and which part of the forum I should post this next.
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