amouthforwar
New member
Hey all. I have been lurking here for a while, looking for guidance and trying my damnedest to learn from the stories shared here. I appreciate this place as a community and resource so so much. I intend to begin sharing my story as well, and figured it was fitting to introduce myself.
I am 30 M, consider myself demisexual, and brand spanking new to a polyamory. I have heard of poly before, but only loosely understood what beliefs made up the foundation of polyamory and what that relationship structure looked like. It was never something I had any real desire or need for.
I have only ever been in heterosexual, monogamous relationships. Those past relationships were a range of experiences both good and bad. I've experienced devastatingly toxic and codependent attachments, but also very stable and fulfilling partnerships that simply didn't work out due to incompatible values or ideals. All of these experiences have taught me something and opened my eyes to my personal needs, boundaries, and provided a lot of insight for me to do necessary work on myself. I have spent years working through traumas from familial narcissistic abuse, codependent patterns in relationships that stem from that, and trying to unlearn my own toxic patterns of behavior. I am proud of the progress I have made and intend to continue that work forever. I believe I'm finally in a place where I feel like I have control of myself and am leading a fulfilling life. It has had a profound impact on all of the relationships in my life, and allowed me to experience a more rich kind of love with the people around me than I have ever felt before.
My previous relationship (monogamous with someone we'll refer to as Sequoia) was largely devoid of conflict, but there were a lot of incompatibilities and some issues with communication. There was a lot of mutual love and respect, but we had wildly different worldviews and visions for our individual lives. We were partnered for nearly 4 years, and I proposed breaking up as she was taking a job that required her to move out of state. Sequoia was on a life/career trajectory that was far too different from mine, and the break-up was amicable. It really hurt to have to dissolve a relationship I considered pretty stable, very unlike some of my past experiences. I stayed single for about 2 years following. I dreaded having to invest so much time and work into building another relationship with someone only to have that dissolution happen again. I thought a lot about what I need in a relationship and in a partner. I thought a lot about what I wanted for myself in my own life and the kind of person I wanted to be. I thought a lot about past relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) that didn't serve me and why that was. There was a lot of enlightenment and development of self during that period that I am so so grateful for.
During that time post-breakup, I became closer to a friend (we'll call her Aspen, 30s F) I have been acquainted with for years but never had the opportunity to get to know more personally. The more I've gotten to learn about her, the more I really admired Aspen and found that we connected in a lot of ways that I hadn't experienced with many people before. Over time, I was introduced to her husband (Birch, 30s M), and some of her friends -- I introduced her to many of mine, as well as my brother. We had frequent hangouts together as friends, board-game nights, group events/trips and chill hangouts. Those times brought me a lot of joy, comfort, and peace. I felt at home around them all and we all felt comfortable being ourselves without judgment in those instances. I really grew to value her presence in my life especially. Aspen and Birch disclosed with me that they were in an open relationship at some point, which was new to me as I had never known anyone that was in that sort of arrangement. While I acknowledged to myself that I had feelings for her that extended beyond "typical" friendship, I still desired to keep things platonic. They remained that way for quite a long time.
After a particular game night Aspen walked me to my car and professed that she had discussed with Birch about shifting their relationship structure to polyamory, and that she had romantic feelings for me. I responded similarly. We have been dating for about 4 months since that night. Oddly enough, I feel really comfortable with polyamory -- Aspen has her husband Birch, as well as another long-distance love interest, and I have maintained partnerships with other people I was dating non-exclusively before. My connection with Aspen is deeper than others, though. It's been an incredible experience getting to know each other even more intimately and vulnerably. The love and admiration and respect that I felt for Aspen in friendship has been validated more and more as a romantic partner. I am aware of NRE, and I am making active efforts to remain grounded in my perspectives, but my relationship with Aspen is legitimately fulfilling in the ways I've come to learn were critical needs for me. Her core values align with the ones I have defined for myself. Communication between us is mature and safe and productive. There is mutual encouragement of each other's growth and self-agency. The sex is intimate and often feels nearly spiritual (and has literally brought one or both of us to happy tears on more than one occasion).
It feels easy for me to act from a place of secure attachment with Aspen, and so much good has already come from that even this early on.
However, other things have not been easy. I entered this relationship with confidence that their marriage being open prior would make the transition to poly smoother than it has been. I can see the ways in which we made so many mistakes jumping into this without doing a lot of the groundwork that many experienced poly people deem vital. Polyamory has exposed many ruptures in their relationship, and has raised concerns to me that this entire situation may be poly under duress. Even more concerning is that I don't believe the duress is solely from ignorance or bad hinging. I've started to see ways in which I believe Birch has and continues to emotionally abuse Aspen (whether intentionally or not), and it has been triggering for me. It has been difficult for me to voice my concerns for her well-being while enforcing boundaries to protect myself as well.
Thank you those who come to read my first post here. I will be following up soon, likely with some specific questions/concerns and necessary information. I aim to continue sharing my experience and learning from all of yours', and hope that in doing so it may provide something useful to others
I am 30 M, consider myself demisexual, and brand spanking new to a polyamory. I have heard of poly before, but only loosely understood what beliefs made up the foundation of polyamory and what that relationship structure looked like. It was never something I had any real desire or need for.
I have only ever been in heterosexual, monogamous relationships. Those past relationships were a range of experiences both good and bad. I've experienced devastatingly toxic and codependent attachments, but also very stable and fulfilling partnerships that simply didn't work out due to incompatible values or ideals. All of these experiences have taught me something and opened my eyes to my personal needs, boundaries, and provided a lot of insight for me to do necessary work on myself. I have spent years working through traumas from familial narcissistic abuse, codependent patterns in relationships that stem from that, and trying to unlearn my own toxic patterns of behavior. I am proud of the progress I have made and intend to continue that work forever. I believe I'm finally in a place where I feel like I have control of myself and am leading a fulfilling life. It has had a profound impact on all of the relationships in my life, and allowed me to experience a more rich kind of love with the people around me than I have ever felt before.
My previous relationship (monogamous with someone we'll refer to as Sequoia) was largely devoid of conflict, but there were a lot of incompatibilities and some issues with communication. There was a lot of mutual love and respect, but we had wildly different worldviews and visions for our individual lives. We were partnered for nearly 4 years, and I proposed breaking up as she was taking a job that required her to move out of state. Sequoia was on a life/career trajectory that was far too different from mine, and the break-up was amicable. It really hurt to have to dissolve a relationship I considered pretty stable, very unlike some of my past experiences. I stayed single for about 2 years following. I dreaded having to invest so much time and work into building another relationship with someone only to have that dissolution happen again. I thought a lot about what I need in a relationship and in a partner. I thought a lot about what I wanted for myself in my own life and the kind of person I wanted to be. I thought a lot about past relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) that didn't serve me and why that was. There was a lot of enlightenment and development of self during that period that I am so so grateful for.
During that time post-breakup, I became closer to a friend (we'll call her Aspen, 30s F) I have been acquainted with for years but never had the opportunity to get to know more personally. The more I've gotten to learn about her, the more I really admired Aspen and found that we connected in a lot of ways that I hadn't experienced with many people before. Over time, I was introduced to her husband (Birch, 30s M), and some of her friends -- I introduced her to many of mine, as well as my brother. We had frequent hangouts together as friends, board-game nights, group events/trips and chill hangouts. Those times brought me a lot of joy, comfort, and peace. I felt at home around them all and we all felt comfortable being ourselves without judgment in those instances. I really grew to value her presence in my life especially. Aspen and Birch disclosed with me that they were in an open relationship at some point, which was new to me as I had never known anyone that was in that sort of arrangement. While I acknowledged to myself that I had feelings for her that extended beyond "typical" friendship, I still desired to keep things platonic. They remained that way for quite a long time.
After a particular game night Aspen walked me to my car and professed that she had discussed with Birch about shifting their relationship structure to polyamory, and that she had romantic feelings for me. I responded similarly. We have been dating for about 4 months since that night. Oddly enough, I feel really comfortable with polyamory -- Aspen has her husband Birch, as well as another long-distance love interest, and I have maintained partnerships with other people I was dating non-exclusively before. My connection with Aspen is deeper than others, though. It's been an incredible experience getting to know each other even more intimately and vulnerably. The love and admiration and respect that I felt for Aspen in friendship has been validated more and more as a romantic partner. I am aware of NRE, and I am making active efforts to remain grounded in my perspectives, but my relationship with Aspen is legitimately fulfilling in the ways I've come to learn were critical needs for me. Her core values align with the ones I have defined for myself. Communication between us is mature and safe and productive. There is mutual encouragement of each other's growth and self-agency. The sex is intimate and often feels nearly spiritual (and has literally brought one or both of us to happy tears on more than one occasion).
It feels easy for me to act from a place of secure attachment with Aspen, and so much good has already come from that even this early on.
However, other things have not been easy. I entered this relationship with confidence that their marriage being open prior would make the transition to poly smoother than it has been. I can see the ways in which we made so many mistakes jumping into this without doing a lot of the groundwork that many experienced poly people deem vital. Polyamory has exposed many ruptures in their relationship, and has raised concerns to me that this entire situation may be poly under duress. Even more concerning is that I don't believe the duress is solely from ignorance or bad hinging. I've started to see ways in which I believe Birch has and continues to emotionally abuse Aspen (whether intentionally or not), and it has been triggering for me. It has been difficult for me to voice my concerns for her well-being while enforcing boundaries to protect myself as well.
Thank you those who come to read my first post here. I will be following up soon, likely with some specific questions/concerns and necessary information. I aim to continue sharing my experience and learning from all of yours', and hope that in doing so it may provide something useful to others
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