Is it even fair ?

So my husband just came out as poly
And swears to me he could never love anyone more then me and I feel the same towards him but we are open to having a girlfriend but again is it even fair to do that if we both never gonna love the other person as much as we love each other we also both have agree if one of us can’t do it anymore to pull the plug like both agree this wouldn’t be like living one we are married have kids and house we would just have girlfriend when we don’t have the kids so I guess more of a unicorn but again is that even fair on the other person ?
 

Evie

Well-known member
Nope, it's not. Trust your gut instinct on this that made you ask the question on the first place. You're going in with a pre determined belief about how much you can, or rather, are willing to love someone else. That's a recipe for hurt when your subconscious decides otherwise.

And why a unicorn, why can't you date separately? You're much more likely to find someone compatible with each other respectively that way.
 
Nope, it's not. Trust your gut instinct on this that made you ask the question on the first place. You're going in with a pre determined belief about how much you can, or rather, are willing to love someone else. That's a recipe for hurt when your subconscious decides otherwise.

And why a unicorn, why can't you date separately? You're much more likely to find someone compatible with each other respectively that way.
Both feel more comfortable with a unicorn then dating different people
 

Evie

Well-known member
Both feel more comfortable with a unicorn then dating different people
And when she loves one of you more than the other, what then?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
And swears to me he could never love anyone more then me

This is a common thing that people do to themselves, try to quantify their feelings for someone and tell them "no way, look how much this love weighs, the next feeling of love I have couldn't possibly weigh this much".

Interpersonal associations are all different, and they bring distinct advantages and disadvantages that make it impossible to compare one to the other. Sure, there are data points like "sense of security from years of relating", and "can't keep our hands off of each other when we are in the same room", but how are you going to measure them?

With any luck your husband will go out and have lots of fulfilling associations with lots of different people. He will bond with some of them over a shared interest in a hobby, a significant personality overlap, sexual attraction, etc. Each of those relationships will be their own relationship and the concept of trying to weigh them in a tit-for-tat will only serve to damage the associations involved.

I urge you to move away from this fantasy that you can preserve, predict, or restrict the connection between two people. Just admit that relationships change, and the harder we resist that change, the more likely we are to sever the remaining connection between them.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Sceneskyee,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I looked at your other thread, and responded there briefly. To summarize, polyamory is any instance in which there is emotional involvement between multiple partners.

As for your idea of sharing a girlfriend, I think it would be fair as long as you tell said girlfriend of all the conditions her relationship with you will entail. Most importantly, you should tell her that you will love her less than each other, and you should tell her that you'll pull the plug if you or your husband can't do it anymore. And tell her these things before she becomes your girlfriend. Then, if she consents to all that, I would consider that fair.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

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GalaGirl

Well-known member
So my husband just came out as poly

Ok. And? What's he asking?

Did he just want to make you aware? You know it doesn't have to mean you both just jump right into poly dating right this minute, right?

And swears to me he could never love anyone more then me and I feel the same towards him

You both feel that way... at this time.

Until a game changer arrives and you discover you CAN love someone just as much and maybe more. Then what?

You would dump this new person you love because hubby can't hack it? And you only can date in a triad? He wouldn't do the work on himself to become more able or be ok with it being a V?

He would dump this new person he loves because you can't hack it? And you only can date in a triad? You wouldn't do the work on yourself to become more able or be ok with it being a V?

we are open to having a girlfriend but again is it even fair to do that if we both never gonna love the other person as much as we love each other

The new person might not care who loves who "more." They might even prefer primary-secondary because they're married too. Who knows?

But why would you want to start with with unicorn hunting and being in a triad model? It's one of the hardest ones to do because it's essentially 3 V's stacked up.

All of you being the hinge.
All of you being the other partner to everyone else.
All of you being the meta to everyone else.

Two of you would be married... so there might couple privilege things to address too.

It would easier to date separately.

Be careful you aren't coming at it like "Just like us now! Just add a new person!" I notice it's the easiest way couples think about poly. But the reality is you are breaking up with him. Maybe not actually filing a divorce or anything. But you ARE ending the old model. In favor of trying a new model. So some parts will be exciting like dating. And some parts will feel like grief/loss.

If it all goes wahoonie... what's the plan then? Cuz it doesn't always go back to "A+B, the original couple. An C, the original other person." Sometimes it ends in all together A+B+ C just fine.

Or...

(A+B) -C
(A+C) -B
(B+C) -A
A -B -C (all single)

Both feel more comfortable with a unicorn then dating different people

How come?

we also both have agree if one of us can’t do it anymore to pull the plug

And would you be informing the unicorn about this agreement BEFORE they get involved with you and get emotionally attached? That they are gonna get dumped by both if one of you can't hack a triad? Rather than let it change to a more natural V?

Have to tell people if there are agreements in place already that could affect them. When they didn't even get a voice at the agreement making table.

What happens if you make this veto agreement... and one of you invokes the veto. And the other one goes "Actually... no. I won't be keeping that agreement. I changed my mind."

Then what happens?

we are married have kids and house we would just have girlfriend when we don’t have the kids.

I'm not even sure what that means. Would you be "out" as poly to your family and friends? Or would this new relationship be kept secret?

so I guess more of a unicorn but again is that even fair on the other person ?

Some people might be into this arrangement, but a lot won't be.

A new GF isn't there to be an experiment, or "to spice things up" or whatever. This would be a real person, with real feelings. If you just want a romp in the sack? Like a one time fling? Call it what it is. Some people would take you up on that.

If you want a GF, like a long term relationship? Reflect. Back in the day...
  • Would you have wanted to be his GF in the past knowing you'd never get to be loved "as much" as his other partner?
  • This would always be a primary-secondary model with no renegotiation on that?
  • That you can only be around when the kids aren't there?
  • And if his other partner can't hack the experiment? The expectation is for him to dump you rather than dump her or ask her to work on her poly skills or change to a V? Just dumped. Regardless of how the people feel.
It's not a very attractive dating offer to me. Some people might still be up for that... but few.

I think you both could some reading, and consider the work of detangling first.




Galagirl
 
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You both feel that way... at this time.

Until a game changer arrives and you discover you CAN love someone just as much and maybe more. Then what?

You would dump this new person you love because hubby can't hack it? And you only can date in a triad? He wouldn't do the work on himself to become more able or be ok with it being a V?



The new person might not care who loves who "more".... but why would you want to start with with unicorn hunting and being in a triad model? It's one of the hardest ones because it's essentially 3 V's stacked up. All of you being the hinge. All of you being bother partner AND meta to everyone else. Two of you would be married... so there's couple privilege to address.

It would easier to date separately. And then the GF only has to like ONE person. Not TWO.

Be careful you aren't coming at it like "Just like us now! Just add a new person!" I notice it's the easiest way couples think about poly. But the reality is you are breaking up with him. Maybe not actually filing a divorce or anything. But you ARE ending the old model. In favor of trying a new model. So some parts will be exciting like dating. And some parts will feel like grief/loss.

If it all goes wahoonie... what's the plan then? Cuz it doesn't always go back to "A+B, the original couple. An C, the original other person." Sometimes it ends in all together A+B+ C just fine.

Or...

(A+B) -C
(A+C) -B
(B+C) -A
A -B -C (all single)



How come?



And would you be informing the unicorn about this agreement BEFORE they get involved with you and get emotionally attached? That they are gonna get dumped by both if one of you can't hack a triad? Rather than let it change to a more natural V?

Have to tell people if there are agreements in place already that could affect them.

What happens if you make this veto agreement... and one of you invokes the veto. And the other one goes "Actually... no. I won't be keeping that agreement. I changed my mind."

Then what happens?



I'm not even sure what that means. Would you be "out" as poly to your family and friends? Or would this new relationship be kept secret?



No. Some people might be into this arrangement, but a lot won't be.

A new GF isn't there to be an experiment, or "to spice things up" or whatever. This would be a real person, with real feelings. If you just want a romp in the sack? Like a one time fling? Call it what it is. Some people would take you up on that.

If you want a GF, like a long term relationship? Reflect. Back in the day...
  • Would you have wanted to be his GF in the past knowing you'd never get to be loved "as much" as his other partner? This would always be a primary-secondary model?
  • That you can only be around when the kids aren't there?
  • And if his other partner can't hack it, the expectation tis for him to dump you rather than her? Regardless of how the people feel.
And I think you both could some reading, and consider the work of detangling first.




Galagirl
Ok well that has clear some things up he is is the one who Brough this up and I have done a lot reading and ask what does he see himself in the poly world and he has told me have his wife as number one and have other girlfriends or then he Brough up the unicorn which I can do and agree to him but he also has state he doesn’t care if we do it not but I know deep down he down cause I know him since I was five never once knew this about him like I knew he had heaps of gf but that was just cause he was a cheater more then anything I’m only one who he hasn’t done that to maybe cause we do have a lot three somes
And yes if we did get unicorn yes I would tell them all this only way I would stop it is if that unicorn was trying break us up so she could have only one of us




after reading so much stuff I have come here to be able to get opinions of real people in this world cause only so much a book can tell me
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think during a pandemic? You could believe him that he doesn't want to leap into poly dating. At most online dating. And take the time to talk some more.

Sharing a GF is not the same thing as sharing group sex like threesomes.

I also notice a lot about HIM and what he wants. And what you would be willing to go along with -- the unicorn thing.

But is poly something YOU actually want? Like even if you weren't married to him... would you still want to poly? I know in your intro you mentioned having multiple partners in the past... but is that something you want today?

What reading is he doing to prepare? Or is this all on you?

Galagirl
 
W
I think during a pandemic? You could believe him that he doesn't want to leap into poly dating. At most online dating. And take the time to talk some more.

Sharing a GF is not the same thing as sharing group sex like threesomes.

I also notice a lot about HIM and what he wants. And what you would be willing to go along with -- the unicorn thing.

But is poly something YOU actually want? Like even if you weren't married to him... would you still want to poly?

What reading is he doing? Or is this all on you?

Galagirl
Well with all my ex’s I did have girlfriends without them dating them cause always feel need have female on that level more then just having a boyfriend and they all were happy with that but then I got with my husband and it was just different with him and I no longer needed that then we have had three somes which I was able to do with him cause or the trust in him but then he stop it and we haven’t done it in a while but then bam this has came out of the wood work and tbh I don’t think he has always been poly as he says I think tbh it’s cause we have met a lot poly people since starting the tiktok/discord app and now he is saying this tbh I’m 70-80% into idea become poly again and having a girlfriend we both can enjoy and on some days enjoy her without each other but then other 20-30% of me has all these mix feelings about it cause when I open with him and me seeing other people all together he happy with idea just me as he wife and him have other girlfriends but didn’t like idea about me dating other men I try getting him to really break it down on what he really wants and not to say things just to coat my heart but been days of fighting then a day were we open on fully and that is when unicorn came up from him sorry if this doesn’t fully make sense
 

icesong

Well-known member
That is fine but if she try gets in between us I guess then we will call it quits
That is a ... remarkably cynical view of someone that theoretically you want to have an intimate relationship with.
 
That is a ... remarkably cynical view of someone that theoretically you want to have an intimate relationship with.
I’m saying in terms on why we would call it quits one of the reasons not good if someone in our relationships if someone was to do that it’s uncalled for we are all human and its stupid not to think that this could happen
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Could you please be willing to put some periods in? I have a hard time reading without them or at least some line breaks. It might also help you have other responses.

I still think you could slow it down. This JUST happened and in your other post you said it was a shock. That's not a good frame of mind to make big decisions.

If you don't believe him when he says "I've always been poly" and you think it's mainly because you started meeting poly people since starting whatever tik tok / discord app? Slow it down.

If he wants either a unicorn GF you both date? Or you as his wife not dating and him with other GFs? And you can't date seprately? Or date other men because he doesn't like that? That sounds like a One Penis Policy to me.

If that's not how YOU want to practice poly? It's ok to say "No, thanks. That's not how I want to do poly."

I try getting him to really break it down on what he really wants and not to say things just to coat my heart but been days of fighting then a day were we open on fully and that is when unicorn came up from him sorry if this doesn’t fully make sense

Are you saying you both have been fighting for days over this since he came out as poly? And that you suspect he's sugar coating or saying whatever to get you to agree to unicorn hunting just to get his foot in the door while at the same time maintaining a One Penis Policy?

I would still tell you to slow this down if you are not comfortable with it. What's the rush?

Think things out more.

What would be the dealbreakers where you would break up with spouse? If he got other people pregnant? Something else?

What about him ending it with you?

Just agreeing to break up with the unicorn if they try to start trouble between you and spouse... ok. What if one of the spouses started up the same kind of trouble between the other spouse and the unicorn? They get a free pass on that behavior?

Think carefully and ease into it if you are going to go there.

And say "No, thanks" if you just are not into it. Don't do stuff just because he wants to.

Galagirl
 
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Could you please be willing to put some periods in? I have a hard time reading without them or at least some line breaks. It might also help you have other responses.
Ok yeah
I still think you could slow it down. This JSUT happened and in your other post you said it was a shock. That's not a good frame of mind to make big decisions.
Yeah it was a big shocked due to the fact I got used to it just being him and me and I never feel the need to wanna date other people since being with him cause I don’t. Im also very confused due to the fact that he is the one who stop the three somes couple years ago but now I found out he only did that cause he felt that I wasn’t into them when I was .
If you don't believe him when he says "I've always been poly" and you think it's mainly because you started meeting poly people since starting whatever tik tok / discord app? Slow it down.
Well yeah I don’t believe him I have know him all my life and I have never seen him in a real poly relationship I have seen him in couple relationships but never poly as none of them knew about each other beside me as I just was his best friend at the time
If he wants either a unicorn GF you both date? Or you as his wife and him with other GFs? And you can't date other men because he doesn't like that? That sounds like a One Penis Policy to me.

If that's not how YOU want to poly? It's ok to say "No, thanks. That's not how I want to poly."
Well yeah I feel that but then again I’m not really big on the other men myself I just wanted to see his point of view if that is what we would of come to
Are you saying you both have been fighting for days over this since he came out as poly? And that you suspect he's sugar coating or saying whatever to get you to agree to unicorn hunting just to get his foot in the door while at the same time maintaining a One Penis Policy?
Yes we had very big fight on weekend up until Monday and now being Wednesday I have done a lot of reading and begin coming onto this fourm and have gave him some more reading to do so he can work out him self to work out what he really wants in a poly relationship and if it is what he really wants or not
What's the rush? I would still tell you to slow this down if you are not comfortable with it.
No there is no rush at all as said earlier I’m still working out all the stuff and helping him as well to work out what he really wants and also help myself come to terms of him wanting something that I don’t want and coming to the terms of me not being ok with it and where I will go from there
Think things out more. What would be the dealbreakers where you would break up with spouse? If he got other people pregnant? Something else? What about him ending it with you? Just agreeing to break up with the unicorn if they try to start trouble between you and spouse... ok. What if one of the spouses started up same kind of trouble between the other spouse and the unicorn? They get a free pass on that behavior? Ease into it if you are going to go there.
And say "No, thanks" if you just are not into it. Don't do stuff just because he wants to.

Galagirl
Well we both agree no children with other people and we both work out we ain’t into bringing someone into our home to live with us. This is the main reason I have come to this website to be able to speak to people on the poly level and get some understanding and also get educated at the same time.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I added punctuation. Is this what you meant?

No, there is no rush at all. As said earlier, I’m still working out all the stuff and helping him as well to work out what he really wants.

I also want to help myself come to terms with him wanting something that I don’t want.

And coming to terms with me not being ok with it. And where I will go from there.

If he wants a polyamorous situation where

1) You are the wife who doesn't date at all and he dates other girlfriends

2) You and him date a unicorn GF together

3) You do not date separate from him. And def no you dating men.

And you are trying to come to terms with the fact you don't want to do anything poly at all much less in his way of doing poly?

You want

1) To skip the whole poly thing and just go back to casual sex threesomes instead

Could start there. Tell him you just don't want anything poly. Even with the unicorn GF you worry about it being unfair to her. So if what you really prefer and enjoy is casual threesomes? It's ok to say that's what you prefer.

You could clearly state what you are and are not up for at this time.

He states what he is and is not up for. You let him own the work of articulating. And you don't "fish" or "drag" it out of him.

Each person doing their OWN share of the work.

I knew he had heaps of gf but that was just cause he was a cheater more then anything. I’m only one who he hasn’t done that to. maybe cause we do have a lot threesomes

Well yeah. I don’t believe him. I have known him all my life and have never seen him in a real poly relationship. I have seen him in couple relationships but never poly as none of them knew about each other beside me as I just his best friend at the time.

Is that the hidden worry?

That if you don't go along with what he wants now that he's decided he's poly... that he's just gonna go back to that cheating behavior? He will just go find some chick on the side you don't know about? And she won't know about you?

And you won't be the "special one" that he's never cheated on any more?

Galagirl
 
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I added punctuation. Is this what you meant?



If he wants a polyamorous situation where

1) You are the wife who doesn't date at all and he dates other girlfriends

2) You and him date a unicorn GF together

3) You do not date separate from him. And def no you dating men.

And you are trying to come to terms with the fact you don't want to do anything poly at all much less in his way of doing poly?

You want

1) To skip the whole poly thing and just go back to casual sex threesomes instead

Could start there. Tell him you just don't want anything poly. Even with the unicorn GF you worry about it being unfair to her. So if what you really prefer and enjoy is casual threesomes? It's ok to say that's what you prefer.

You could clearly state what you are and are not up for at this time.

He states what he is and is not up for. You let him own the work of articulating. And you don't "fish" or "drag" it out of him.

Each person doing their OWN share of the work.





Is that the hidden worry?

That if you don't go along with what he wants now that he's decided he's poly... that he's just gonna go back to that cheating behavior? He will just go find some chick on the side you don't know about? And she won't know about you?

And you won't be the "special one" that he's never cheated on any more?

Galagirl
I’m open to poly I really am and tbh the idea of unicorn I do enjoy but again we are still working each stuff out on both ends.

He is not good with researching stuff so that is reason I have gave him some links to things cause I feel that he really doesn’t know what he wants as well which I know is big no when coming into this world as of cause I don’t wanna hurt other people as well.

The cheating part not so much I’m more worry at the fact that this would be hurting him not to be poly and just stay mono which of cause I don’t want as I would prefer him to be happy and not feel depressed or upset about his choices. Of cause if we had end the relationship it would suck heaps and hurt me like hell but in saying that being with someone and hiding your true self is not good on your well-being.

comes to the reason I am also doing my own research and coming to understanding of what I want as atm i am having mixed feelings and then of cause the jealous and worry parts have set in as well for reason of well we lose what we have , will I enjoy to much , will I not enjoy it , will it break us , will we hurt the other person etc
 
Well update I guess
We both have sat down and talked very well
He did his research as well and had a think on what he enjoys and wants in a poly relationship and I boardcast my feelings and my thoughts across as well

I told him there is no wrong answer here as I really wanna know what he really wants

he has said the reason he is happy with the idea of him and me dating another female as that is what he sees and is what he wants in the poly world. In saying that he said if I felt the need to do that and also have a boyfriend as well or another girlfriend who isn’t involved in the 3 way relationship he is also happy if that is what I want and would not be angry or hate or judge. But that is not for him he just prefer himself dating me and our girlfriend together.

What he meant with if doesn’t feel right we just end it all together is more of the side of normal relationship stuff that is red flag like dv type signs and of cause if they were treating me like shit or the children etc

Now we are both just trying to work out if this is for long term or if I said that I’m not ok with it at all I wanna stay mono would he be happy with that 100% or would this bring him down etc and of cause big question as well is if we do become poly would be keep it hidden or would we not care and let everyone know as well
 

icesong

Well-known member
There are a lot of threads about being "in the closet" or not - in my opinion it's easier not to hide it, but that's not one that's shared by the entire poly world.
 
There are a lot of threads about being "in the closet" or not - in my opinion it's easier not to hide it, but that's not one that's shared by the entire poly world.
Yeah both me and my husband both agree that hiding it to our friends and family isn’t something we would be ok with
 
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