Is it even fair ?

Marcus

Well-known member
That is fine but if she try gets in between us I guess then we will call it quits

That is actually a boundary that I hold fiercely. Any efforts to undermine/control/stop/snoop/meddle with any other association I have will be met with an immediate "let's talk". I apply that rule to all of my associations, including a partner I might be living with or married to. An attempt to interfere with another one of my associations shows that there is some high level insecurity going on, and likely some clinging to monogamous traditionalism, which doesn't line up with how I'm trying to live my life.

I hope that you and your husband do decide to stand by the boundary you noted, and apply it to yourselves as well. If we are all living our lives as free adults, no one relationship should have the power to lord over another.
 
That is actually a boundary that I hold fiercely. Any efforts to undermine/control/stop/snoop/meddle with any other association I have will be met with an immediate "let's talk". I apply that rule to all of my associations, including a partner I might be living with or married to. An attempt to interfere with another one of my associations shows that there is some high level insecurity going on, and likely some clinging to monogamous traditionalism, which doesn't line up with how I'm trying to live my life.

I hope that you and your husband do decide to stand by the boundary you noted, and apply it to yourselves as well. If we are all living our lives as free adults, no one relationship should have the power to lord over another.
Yeah we are still working things out but we have got down a lot of stuff now which has clear up a lot of levels and one of the talks today was to cover this subject on what would be a thing that would end it all and what would be a let’s talk type of thing with all three of us on both sides atm
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yeah we are still working things out, but we have got down a lot of stuff now, which has cleared up a lot of levels. One of the talks today was to cover this subject: what would be a thing that would end it all, and what would be a "Let’s talk" type of thing, with all three of us on all sides?
Your h is making the assumption that any woman he likes and want to date, and maybe fall in love with would also like, love and want to full-on date you. This goes far beyond a few sexual threesome dates. You're talking about long term compatibility between three people. You like her, she likes you. H likes her, she likes h. You and H stay in love too, despite the ups and downs of "adding a third" into your new relationship.

I want to be perfectly plain here. Triads that begin as a PRESCRIPTION for the new person to be REQUIRED to like, desire and maybe love both partners equally is so rare. I can not think of one instance ever in my experience with newly open mono couples on this board for over a decade, where this actually happened. That is why a woman of this type is called a "unicorn." She is a mythological creature that does not exist.

It's good that your h says he'd consent to you dating a man or a woman on your own. It's fine if he imagines he will find a woman who will love and desire and be long term compatible with both himself and you. It's not fine if he promises that, even if he finds this unicorn, he would never ever possibly love her as much as you. And he won't find her.

Triads do exist. But the only long term ones come from a place where one partner in a couple starts dating another person individually, and then that person eventually comes to like, desire, love and turn out to be long-term compatible with the other partner. You can't force a person to love 2 members of a couple equally. Each dyad will develop at its own pace.

And the new person may not want to share a home with her new couple. And one or the other or both of the original couple may not want to actually live with the third newer person.

Please read this and get your unicorn hunting H to read it too.

 
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Your h is making the assumption that any woman he likes and want to date, and maybe fall in love with would also like, love and want to full-on date you. This goes far beyond a few sexual threesome dates. You're talking about long term compatibility between three people. You like her, she likes you. H likes her, she likes h. You and H stay in love too, despite the ups and downs of "adding a third" into your new relationship.

I want to be perfectly plain here. Triads that begin as a PRESCRIPTION for the new person to be REQUIRED to like, desire and maybe love both partners equally is so rare. I can not think of one instance ever in my experience with newly open mono couples on this board for over a decade, where this actually happened. That is why a woman of this type is called a "unicorn." She is a mythological creature that does not exist.

It's good that your h says he'd consent to you dating a man or a woman on your own. It's fine if he imagines he will find a woman who will love and desire and be long term compatible with both himself and you. It's not fine if he promises that, even if he finds this unicorn, he would never ever possibly love her as much as you. And he won't find her.

Triads do exist. But the only long term ones come from a place where one partner in a couple starts dating another person individually, and then that person eventually comes to like, desire, love and turn out to be long-term compatible with the other partner. You can't force a person to love 2 members of a couple equally. Each dyad will develop at its own pace.

And the new person may not want to share a home with her new couple. And one or the other or both of the original couple may not want to actually live with the third newer person.

Please read this and get your unicorn hunting H to read it too.




Thanks you as you have kinda help me abit with my up and down tbh and I will give that a read to understand more
As that is one of things I’m worth about as myself not connected with other not so much her or him tbh I have hard time doing that normally

Even when I did have boyfriend and girlfriend before my husband I still wasn’t fully like I am with my husband I did care and kinda love them but not like in love if that makes sense
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like your husband is the only one you're in love with. Others, you love them, but you're not *in* love with them. And maybe you feel that your husband should do likewise? not fall in love?
 
It sounds like your husband is the only one you're in love with. Others, you love them, but you're not *in* love with them. And maybe you feel that your husband should do likewise? not fall in love?

That is wishful thinking but sadly I know that not what he is about and I used be that way also until I got with him so now more worry at fact he gonna be in love with more then one person and I won’t be and I guess that’s where it sucks
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It's not fair, I think is what you're trying to say. He gets to fall in love with people, but you don't. Have you spoken with him about this inequity? Maybe he just isn't thinking.
 
It's not fair, I think is what you're trying to say. He gets to fall in love with people, but you don't. Have you spoken with him about this inequity? Maybe he just isn't thinking.

More the fact not fair on the other person
I told him that is my main worry as I don’t know want to be the reason on hurting someone
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
now more worry at fact he gonna be in love with more then one person and I won’t be and I guess that’s where it sucks

If your worry is that husband is able to be in love with more than one person? And you don't have that ability? How much does that matter?

Isn't it up to the potential to decide to take up with you or not?

More the fact not fair on the other person
I told him that is my main worry as I don’t know want to be the reason on hurting someone

So long as you are all up front about what the deal is here? If they have hurt feelings about something? It's not gonna be because you weren't up front. It will be because they decided it was "acceptable risk" here.

Just be up front. That husband can offer a potential both "care and love" and also "in love." You can offer a potential "care and love" but not "in love." The potential can figure out if that's a good deal for them or not.

Galagirl
 
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So long as you are all up front about what the deal is here? I would presume the potentials are adults who can decide whether or not to get involved here.

If they have hurt feelings about something? It's not gonna be because you weren't up front. It will be because they decided it was "acceptable risk" here.

Galagirl


Well yeah we have had two dates with a maybe girlfriend and I have told her what is what and want to take it slow which she is on same page and I told her if feelings happen I’m happy for the relationship but if not I’m happy just as friends so far so good as this wasn’t plan we kinda just met her and we all three just hitting it off and she poly as well but some things happen without planning
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Well, yeah. We have had two dates with a maybe-girlfriend and I have told her what is what, and that I want to take it slow. She is on the same page. I told her, if feelings happen, I’m happy for the relationship. But if not, I’m happy just as friends. So far, so good. This wasn’t planned; we just kinda met her, and all three of us are hitting it off. She is poly as well, but some things happen without planning.
Would you mind very much using punctuation a bit more? It makes it much easier to read. :)
 
Would you mind very much using punctuation a bit more? It makes it much easier to read. :)


Yeah I try my best. I’m sorry my spelling snd writing was the worse thing I did in the school. Give me maths or anything else my brain seems to work then. Lol
 
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