So my husband just came out as poly
Ok. And? What's he asking?
Did he just want to make you aware? You know it doesn't have to mean you both just jump right into poly dating right this minute, right?
And swears to me he could never love anyone more then me and I feel the same towards him
You both feel that way...
at this time.
Until a game changer arrives and you discover you CAN love someone just as much and maybe more. Then what?
You would dump this new person you love because hubby can't hack it? And you only can date in a triad? He wouldn't do the work on himself to become more able or be ok with it being a V?
He would dump this new person he loves because you can't hack it? And you only can date in a triad? You wouldn't do the work on yourself to become more able or be ok with it being a V?
we are open to having a girlfriend but again is it even fair to do that if we both never gonna love the other person as much as we love each other
The new person might not care who loves who "more." They might even prefer primary-secondary because they're married too. Who knows?
But why would you want to start with with unicorn hunting and being in a
triad model? It's one of the hardest ones to do because it's essentially 3 V's stacked up.
All of you being the hinge.
All of you being the other partner to everyone else.
All of you being the meta to everyone else.
Two of you would be married... so there might couple privilege things to address too.
It would easier to date separately.
Be careful you aren't coming at it like "Just like us now! Just add a new person!" I notice it's the easiest way couples think about poly. But the reality is you are breaking up with him. Maybe not actually filing a divorce or anything. But you ARE ending the old model. In favor of trying a new model. So some parts will be exciting like dating. And some parts will feel like grief/loss.
If it all goes wahoonie... what's the plan then? Cuz it doesn't always go back to "A+B, the original couple. An C, the original other person." Sometimes it ends in all together A+B+ C just fine.
Or...
(A+B) -C
(A+C) -B
(B+C) -A
A -B -C (all single)
Both feel more comfortable with a unicorn then dating different people
How come?
we also both have agree if one of us can’t do it anymore to pull the plug
And would you be informing the unicorn about this agreement BEFORE they get involved with you and get emotionally attached? That they are gonna get dumped by both if one of you can't hack a triad? Rather than let it change to a more natural V?
Have to tell people if there are agreements in place already that could affect them. When they didn't even get a voice at the agreement making table.
What happens if you make this veto agreement... and one of you invokes the veto. And the other one goes "Actually... no. I won't be keeping that agreement. I changed my mind."
Then what happens?
we are married have kids and house we would just have girlfriend when we don’t have the kids.
I'm not even sure what that means. Would you be "out" as poly to your family and friends? Or would this new relationship be kept secret?
so I guess more of a unicorn but again is that even fair on the other person ?
Some people might be into this arrangement, but a lot won't be.
A new GF isn't there to be an experiment, or "to spice things up" or whatever. This would be a real person, with real feelings. If you just want a romp in the sack? Like a one time fling? Call it what it is. Some people would take you up on that.
If you want a GF, like a long term relationship? Reflect. Back in the day...
- Would you have wanted to be his GF in the past knowing you'd never get to be loved "as much" as his other partner?
- This would always be a primary-secondary model with no renegotiation on that?
- That you can only be around when the kids aren't there?
- And if his other partner can't hack the experiment? The expectation is for him to dump you rather than dump her or ask her to work on her poly skills or change to a V? Just dumped. Regardless of how the people feel.
It's not a very attractive dating offer to me. Some people might still be up for that... but few.
I think you both could some reading, and consider
the work of detangling first.
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com
Galagirl