Is texting a big part of your relationship dynamic?

[Bsweet2Bev]

I’ve been having some discontent with what I would consider to be my primary relationship. (We can call him Kel) We’ve dated a little over two years. He prefers to communicate primarily through texting. I’ve alway found texting to be distant and subject to a lot of misinterpretation. I’ve tried to ask for more phone calls or video chats, but it rarely seems to happen. When we are together everything seems great, but when we aren’t I start spinning in my head, especially if we go a day or two with only cursory communication (morning, sweet dreams, etc.).

I have a secondary relationship, but it isn’t sexual. We do a lot of social things together, like dinner and a movie or day trips. I’ll call him Gemini.

I have no secrets from either one, as I’m a pretty open book. They’ve met each other, but only in a meet and greet sort of way.

I’m frustrated, because I would like more from Kel, but he seems satisfied with what we have. I get the feeling that Gemini would be happy to step up to the plate, if given the chance, but is playing the “southern gentleman” part.

I really don’t want two sexual relationships.

The sex with Kel is awesome; it’s the relationship stuff that’s lacking, in my opinion. To be honest, things have been this way the whole relationship. I’ve walked twice and still wound up right back here. Right now, I’m just dealing with it, but really feel like I deserve more attention than a few phone texts throughout the day, with an overnight or two thrown in every week or so. It took almost two years for him to say the “L” word, and now seems to think that is what makes everything better.

 

[GalaGirl]

I only text stuff like, "I got here. Parking. Where are you?" It's not the place for substantial conversation, to me.

More so than texting preferences in a relationship, I think you could address the fact that this is a "meh" relationship for you, that you have difficulty leaving. That sounds like the bigger problem.

Gently... read this again.

To be honest, things have been this way the whole relationship. I’ve walked twice and still wound up right back here.

I think it's time to drop Kel and just be DONE done. Maybe this helps you:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

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What is it you need to STAY gone and not come back, or not get sucked back in again? Maybe this time you could think about setting up those things ahead of time, before breaking up a third time, so you can STICK with the break-up.

I get the feeling that Gemini would be happy to step up to the plate, if given the chance, but is playing the “southern gentleman” part.

Well, that is up to you. You might leave things with Gemini the same as they've always has been, and date elsewhere to find a new primary when you are ready to date again. Or, after you are healed from the break-up, you could see if this would work out better with Gemini as your primary.

You might decide a primary-secondary model is not for you, and think about other open models.

The point is, YOU get to decide what YOU feel like doing next in this next chapter. Gemini doesn't "automatically" get to move into your "primary" slot just because you've ended things with Kel.

Right now I’m just dealing with it.

You could enjoy and thrive in your relationships, rather than just "dealing with them," or "enduring," or even "surviving," right? It's ok to want better than this for yourself.

Galagirl

 

[Kynde]

Texting is a big part of my relationship, because we don't see each other more than 1-2x a week. We are also both writers. However we also have great in-person conversations, and phone calls, if needed.

It sounds like your emotional needs are not being met. That is a big deal, beyond the texting issue.

 

[Evie]

Almost all Mike and I do is text, but he's not partner status, he's a loved fw(occasional)b. We texted for around 4 hours the other night, no benefits involved at all, just chatting. We often send photos of the weather in our respective cities.

Adam and I (LDR) text both necessary stuff and occasionally long conversations, because we've always been on the same page. He also sends me photos, mostly of our cat lol. He mostly prefers text as he's never been a phone person. Although he's gotten heaps better at phone.

I mostly just text Puck to arrange video calls, but once a blue moon we'll have a text conversation; they can be fun because it gives time to think more than conversation does. But we mostly vid to talk (LDR). We don't share photos much.

And Nevyn and I are still finding our feet on the text front. We keep trying but we communicate very differently so there have been misunderstandings. Nothing that's ever caused a fight, just a little confusion.

Right now I’m just dealing with it but really feel like I deserve more attention than a few phone texts throughout the day with an overnight or two thrown in every week or so.

So, does he have a nesting partner?

 

[Hereinthedark]

Texting is, in my case, because we only see each other every few days. I do send more pictures than he does, though it means a lot to me when he sends a photo. He sends more videos to me. haha It may only be once every couple months, but I'm like, never. But he knows how happy I get when he sends me a little video of himself.

It's a way to stay connected. It is harder if life stuff happens, and he is more distant through text. I think he had to learn to be more verbally expressive through text to me, after I explained to him that I needed his words to be louder due to the physical disconnection. My brain defaults to assume indifference if he isn't saying things like "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you," or whatever else. I can say there was clearly a distinct difference in our verbal expressions of feelings. But he really challenged himself to work on that, and I can say it made a huge difference. I can still tell that reading things like affectionate bday cards is a bit out of his comfort zone.

Being someone who has an atrocious time trying to express their needs, I really had to push myself at times to do so. But after nearly destroying myself tolerating behavior that was less than I deserved, and abusive, in the past, I've tried to trust that clarity is better than holding onto hope that things will change and that a good partner will want to love you how you need to be loved.

I think when these situations have come up, I've gone through terrible anxiety working up the courage to express how I am feeling. I usually wait until I have gotten to the point where I know what is it that I want so I can specify it. That's where texting has been great, because it gives me time to formulate my thoughts to make sure I am expressing myself in a non-blaming way.

It's scary, because I know I run the risk of hearing things that don't align with what I need, which then opens the door to really evaluate if this is the best relationship for me. But I can say that avoiding this risk didn't make my other relationship better. It nearly killed me.

Try telling him that you are feeling disconnected when you are apart, it is giving you anxiety, and ask him if you could connect by phone more. Explaining it like your actions have been loud, where your words have been quieter, and due to the physical distance, you need more oral and written communication. If he doesn't want to explore how that could work for you both, then chances are you are going to continue to feel this way, and maybe it will give you the clarity you need. I think it also important to recognize the multiple life hats, need for alone time, interest in exchanging in hobbies, disconnected from a phone, etc., and work on ways to not spiral when you don't hear from him.

Honestly, if he said he was not a phone person, or does not feel like he can give more energy to your relationship, for whatever reason, you get to decide if that is a fit for you. It is so hard, I know. Easier said than done, in any case, when you love someone.

 

[Magdlyn]

For me, I've found that it's much more effective to find a partner who is really what we want or need in almost all ways, than finding a partner who is pretty great in some areas (sex and loyalty, say), but quite disappointing in other ways, like in meeting one's emotional needs, or need for non-sexual touch, or going out on vanilla dates, etc., etc., and then hoping to make them change to start meeting those needs.

I've been with partners who only met 40-60% of my needs. I kept hoping that was enough, making do, trying to be content with that, trying to make up for their lack with friends, or, when poly, with other lovers. But after a while, the mismatch breeds resentment, or boredom, or frustration, I figure out that this partner is never really going to be satisfactory enough, and I make the hard decision to let them go.

They might have certain bad habits that are very annoying, or they have a bunch of kids and not much time for me, or I feel I am being used for sex (or even money!), or they aren't reliable in making it to our dates consistently, or even that they have an old car that keeps breaking down.

I have one great long-term partner who definitely meets enough of my needs, and she is honest and loving when she can't meet my needs, because of physical limitations or time constraints or whatever. I was on the poly-dating market for 10 years, otherwise, and couldn't find another partner who met enough of my needs to get really serious about them. (What I felt I needed was one female partner and one male partner.) I had some good times, and fantastic sex, but ended up getting jaded from disappointments, and took three years off from dating. Finally a friend morphed into a lover, and he couldn't be a better match for me. He lives in my town, he's loyal, kind, great at texting, the sex is incredible, he helps around the house, he's cheerful, he's nerdy like me, etc., etc.

I've learned it's important to have high standards and not settle for less.

In your case, I'd probably be tempted to let Kel go and ramp up the relationship with Gemini, take it sexual and see how that is. Maybe he's an even better lover than Kel! And he seems so great in the vanilla dating department, which is important to you.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

Almost all Mike and I do is text, but he's not partner status, he's a loved fw(occasional)b. We texted for around 4 hours the other night, no benefits involved at all, just chatting. We often send photos of the weather in our respective cities.

Adam and I (LDR) text both necessary stuff and occasionally long conversations, because we've always been on the same page. He also sends me photos, mostly of our cat lol. He mostly prefers text as he's never been a phone person. Although he's gotten heaps better at phone.

I mostly just text Puck to arrange video calls, but once a blue moon we'll have a text conversation; they can be fun because it gives time to think more than conversation does. But we mostly vid to talk (LDR). We don't share photos much.

And Nevyn and I are still finding our feet on the text front. We keep trying but we communicate very differently so there have been misunderstandings. Nothing that's ever caused a fight, just a little confusion.


So, does he have a nesting partner?

No, he lives with his sister and her family. I’m pretty involved with his family so that would be another loss if I decide to quit this relationship. He texts with other women but that isn’t an issue with me. Jealousy is only an issue for me if I feel like another relationship is taking a lot of in person time away from ours.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

For me, I've found that it's much more effective to find a partner who is really what we want or need in almost all ways, than finding a partner who is pretty great in some areas (sex and loyalty, say), but quite disappointing in other ways, like in meeting one's emotional needs, or need for non-sexual touch, or going out on vanilla dates, etc., etc., and then hoping to make them change to start meeting those needs.

I've been with partners who only met 40-60% of my needs. I kept hoping that was enough, making do, trying to be content with that, trying to make up for their lack with friends, or, when poly, with other lovers. But after a while, the mismatch breeds resentment, or boredom, or frustration, I figure out that this partner is never really going to be satisfactory enough, and I make the hard decision to let them go.

They might have certain bad habits that are very annoying, or they have a bunch of kids and not much time for me, or I feel I am being used for sex (or even money!), or they aren't reliable in making it to our dates consistently, or even that they have an old car that keeps breaking down.

I have one great long-term partner who definitely meets enough of my needs, and she is honest and loving when she can't meet my needs, because of physical limitations or time constraints or whatever. I was on the poly-dating market for 10 years, otherwise, and couldn't find another partner who met enough of my needs to get really serious about them. (What I felt I needed was one female partner and one male partner.) I had some good times, and fantastic sex, but ended up getting jaded from disappointments, and took three years off from dating. Finally a friend morphed into a lover, and he couldn't be a better match for me. He lives in my town, he's loyal, kind, great at texting, the sex is incredible, he helps around the house, he's cheerful, he's nerdy like me, etc., etc.

I've learned it's important to have high standards and not settle for less.

In your case, I'd probably be tempted to let Kel go and ramp up the relationship with Gemini, take it sexual and see how that is. Maybe he's an even better lover than Kel! And he seems so great in the vanilla dating department, which is important to you.

I definitely understand the having high standards. My late husband is my measure of standards and will probably stand the test of time (I don’t plan on remarrying). That’s probably why I’ve not been looking for an “all in one” partner yet. Even though it’s been over three yrs since he passed I think I’m still really grieving.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I definitely understand the having high standards. My late husband is my measure of standards and will probably stand the test of time (I don’t plan on remarrying). That’s probably why I’ve not been looking for an “all in one” partner yet. Even though it’s been over three yrs since he passed I think I’m still really grieving.

Well, with your husband, you were probably at a different stage of life. Some of what you needed from him and what he matched probably isn't what you need in "all in one" partners now.

 

[Magdlyn]

I definitely understand the having high standards. My late husband is my measure of standards and will probably stand the test of time (I don’t plan on remarrying). That’s probably why I’ve not been looking for an “all in one” partner yet. Even though it’s been over three yrs since he passed I think I’m still really grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss. You're evolving now regarding what kind of partner(s) will meet your needs.

 

[Evie]

No, he lives with his sister and her family. I’m pretty involved with his family so that would be another loss if I decide to quit this relationship. He texts with other women but that isn’t an issue with me. Jealousy is only an issue for me if I feel like another relationship is taking a lot of in person time away from ours.

I didn't ask about if he has a nesting partner because I thought you were jealous. Might be worth considering why you did, though.

I asked because of this statement:

I’m frustrated, because I would like more from Kel, but he seems satisfied with what we have.

So, he's at his happy place on the relationship escalator with you, but you want to go further up.

Sounds like a pretty major incompatibility there.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Bsweet2Bev,

I have a profound aversion to texting, and don't have a smartphone. My two (live-in) poly companions do some texting, but nothing about our relationships with each other. Come to think of it, we don't talk about our relationships with each other much in person either nowadays. We're just comfortable with our boring routines.

Have you told Kel that you would like more (than just texting) from him? If you have, how has he responded? What about the idea of breaking up with Kel, and growing your relationship with Gemini instead? Would you be able to grieve the loss of Kel's family and move on?

Sorry you're having some frustrations.
Kevin T.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

Hello Bsweet2Bev,

I have a profound aversion to texting, and don't have a smartphone. My two (live-in) poly companions do some texting, but nothing about our relationships with each other. Come to think of it, we don't talk about our relationships with each other much in person either nowadays. We're just comfortable with our boring routines.

Have you told Kel that you would like more (than just texting) from him? If you have, how has he responded? What about the idea of breaking up with Kel, and growing your relationship with Gemini instead? Would you be able to grieve the loss of Kel's family and move on?

Sorry you're having some frustrations.
Kevin T.

I’ve told Kel a number of times about the texting thing. Sometimes he says we should talk on the phone more, but it never seems to happen.

I’m gently discussing the idea of a more physical relationship with Gemini. He doesn’t seem comfortable with the poly thing, so if we go for an all in relationship it will be monogamous. He was married for nearly 30 years and his late wife was his only partner.

Life is full of frustrations. You just try to treasure the good moments.

 

[Bobbi]

I used to be an avid texter. My LP is not. He texted in the beginning when we were getting to know each other, but once we met in person it really stopped. I would get upset that he couldn't return texts in a timely manner, at some point in the same day. When the texts were returned it was no more than a 3-5 word sentence, at most. It hurt. I talked to him about it. He just doesn't like texting and would rather talk in person. I had to stop texting him for my own sanity. Over the years he has gotten MUCH better at it, but I've also learned to be okay with not texting. We both have had growth in this area. We see each other 3 days per week, so I wait to share stuff, or if I really need to share it today then we arrange a phone call.

I've always been a person that needs to talk about it now, so I had more growth around learning to wait. And in the end, it got rid of emotionally-charged conversations, as waiting gave me time to reflect, fight or flight and emotions to settle, and time to figure out what's really important to share. I've learned a lot about myself and I'm more regulated because I have learned to sit in my stuff and figure it out.

In the end, you need to figure out what works for you, and if there's willingness to come together in some way.

 

[Bobbi]

start spinning in my head, especially if we go a day or two with only cursory communication (morning, sweet dreams, etc.).

Why is this? Are you using your partner to manage your thoughts? Wouldn't it be better to learn to manage your own thoughts?

I had to do that, and I found a great podcast called UnF*ck Your Brain. Start with UFYB episode 1 (not pre-UFYB). I binged that for 6 months, and the repetition helped it sink in since I didn't have money for therapy. Now I can manage my thoughts, understand where my unchecked feelings are coming from, and exactly how to stop letting my brain take me into black holes of negative self talk. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

really feel like I deserve more attention than a few phone texts throughout the day, with an overnight or two thrown in every week or so.

It sounds like you want more from the relationship than he wants to give. If you aren't happy with what you've got, then you aren't compatible. It may be time to let that relationship go so you can find someone who wants the same things you do.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

I’ve told Kel a number of times about the texting thing. Sometimes he says we should talk on the phone more, but it never seems to happen.

I’m gently discussing the idea of a more physical relationship with Gemini. He doesn’t seem comfortable with the poly thing, so if we go for an all in relationship it will be monogamous. He was married for nearly 30 years and his late wife was his only partner.

Life is full of frustrations. You just try to treasure the good moments.

Kel was here for a few days this week and I mentioned the texting issue again. We had a good discussion about it so we will see if there is any follow through.

I’ll see Gemini this weekend. We haven’t worked out yet what day. We have a nice trip planned after Thanksgiving to the town where the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” was filmed. I’ve never been but have wanted to ever since moving here.

 

[Evie]

Oooooh, I love that movie! One of the all time favourites.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

Have you ever read the book it was based on? They had to tone it down for the movie a bit but it’s actually a lesbian love story.

 

[Evie]

No, but they did manage to convey that somewhat in the movie. That's part of the beauty of it, to my mind.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

I’d read the book before I saw the movie so I already knew. It was assigned reading in one of my college courses. I’d say that would be telling my age if it wasn’t right here for everyone on the site to see lol. The book did make me an avid reader of Fannie Flagg.