Is there a real poly community?

N

Norwegianpoly

New member
:confused:

I don't know what it is, but... I keep getting rude replies to my threads here. I am told that I am uptight because I have rules for my relationships, and people are spilling their sex fantasies all over my serious attempt to ask for advice about my boyfriend in Turkey.

I had one poly aquaintance from Facebook stalk me with unwanted sexual requests all over last Christmas. He started out nice and seemingly politically interested.

And in a Facebook poly group people were going mental yesterday because I didn't quite get their cencorship rules. Apparently you can't even write the full title of Ethical Slut without someone calling it slur. I wasn't even allowed to call it sensorship, because that was attacking the group, and people were generally mean. It is like the parody of US cencorship eagerness, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess I get extra upset because I wanted to find some community.

Are poly people in groups either a bunch of horny-rude deadbeats or a snippet of angry-depressed uptight activists? I know there are some normal, well-functioning people in relationships out there but maybe they are just busy living their busy, normal lives.

I would like to be part of an international poly network, but so far I am loosing faith about it. I love online discussions and networks and think they are overall helpful, but so far the whole experience has been quite alienating. In Norway the poly milieu is small and closeknit with personal friendships. I was not expecting the same kind of closeness in the big wide world, but I am about to give up because too many behave so weird.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Please people, give me some faith that people can be nice.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
I keep getting rude replies to my threads here. I am told that I am uptight because I have rules for my relationships, and people are spilling their sex fantasies all over my serious attempt to ask for advice about my boyfriend in Turkey.
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I'm sorry that your experience has been negative. Without knowing what "rules" you have for your relationships I can tell you whether you are "uptight" or not (by my personal definition.)

Norwegianpoly said:
I had one poly aquaintance from Facebook stalk me with unwanted sexual requests all over last Christmas. He started out nice and seemingly politically interested..
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OK, that just seems creepy.

Norwegianpoly said:
And in a Facebook poly group people were going mental yesterday because I didn't quite get their cencorship rules. Apparently you can't even write the full title of Ethical Slut without someone calling it slur. I wasn't even allowed to call it sensorship, because that was attacking the group, and people were generally mean. It is like the parody of US cencorship eagerness, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess I get extra upset because I wanted to find some community.
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You can't quote the title of a BOOK without running into censorship?! That seems weird to me.

Norwegianpoly said:
Are poly people in groups either a bunch of horny-rude deadbeats or a snippet of angry-depressed uptight activists? I know there are some normal, well-functioning people in relationships out there but maybe they are just busy living their busy, normal lives..
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I've really enjoyed my interactions here but I don't really ID as being a part of a "poly group". "Busy living my life" totally applies here. I comment where I feel I have something to add, and avoid the psycho-drama threads.
 
I see it this way: there isn't really such a thing as "the poly community," or one cohesive group that could be considered that way, although there may be national and international organizations with goals that benefit people who live polyamorously. However, there are local, regional, and online poly communities, and you just have to find the one that is the best fit for you.

Just one thing to remember about any online group: posting here or anywhere on the internet is basically the same as hanging an announcement onto a tree in the middle of a town square - anyone can answer, there could be a wide range of opinions and differing advice (many of which you may not like), and it's impossible to keep all the crazies away. There is also no guarantee of privacy, so if you want to stay anonymous, it's up to you to monitor what information you put out there.
 
Well I consider myself a part of an online poly community here and also part of my local poly community. Unfortunately, I've run into assholes in both. I've decided to keep being involved and have overall been very happy with the communities I've found. But it can be painful at times, for sure.

I also have had disappointing experiences with Facebook poly groups, to the point where I have left them all and don't plan on joining any ever again. One I belonged to had people posting boobs photos all the damn time. Some people suggested moving the boob photos to a dedicated area where they would not show up on the feed. I supported this move. I don't mind boob shots but did not want them cluttering up my feed. The people who wanted to move the boobs off the main feed were accused of being 'sex-negative' and anti-sex, pro-censorship and so on. The 'pro-boob shot' group seemed incapable of understanding that not wanting to see random boobs in the Facebook feed all the time was not the same as being sex-negative. It got to be impossible to have an actual conversation about the topic. So I left.
 
Egad! That is why I usually refer to that kind of stance as "so-called sex positive." I've found that most people who wave that flag just want to dominate others with their views and look down on anyone who wants even just a little bit of discretion. It isn't actually very sex positive to me.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I'm sorry that your experience has been negative. Without knowing what "rules" you have for your relationships I can tell you whether you are "uptight" or not (by my personal definition.)
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Our main rules are:
1 Talk over any potentional new partners as early as possible
2 No sponanous sex (that is, we don't have sex with a new person the same night as we met them or realized the connection we had with them. We wait at least one day and ask permission)
3 Use protection or do STD tests before fluent bonding
4 Everyone have to strive at being open and honest and communicate
5 Primaries have the right to veto
6 Don't get so drunk that you don't remember the above rules
This is how we did it both when I met my now boyfriend, and when my husband started to explore things with his might-be-future-girlfriend. It worked well for us so far.

I think it was our rules 1,2 and 5 that some guy were upset about. He felt that everyone in a poly relationship should behave in the beginning as if they were single, not asking permission from anyonem just introduce people like "hey this is my new partner". I have not objection to that, as people are free to make their own rules, but he was being very negative towards our way of doing it, claiming we were mono in disguise or something similar.
 
I am glad I am not the only one who have had negative experiences with poly Facebook groups! I will seriously consider just dropping them, like you did. I have also seen some very sex-obsessed FB poly groups, which is perhaps why I found it so surprising that I also run into a bunch of cencorship-obsessed people. I know a group in my country who is a little like that too, who want so much not to hurt anyone that it actually hinders any real discussion because people are constantly "arrested" for using words that are not allowed. I see the point of avoiding slur, but reffering to the book "Ethical slut" as "Ethical sl*t" was too much for me.

I am usually quite discrete online so I don't worry about that.

I am very happy with both our local and national group, and I have found some good blogs and other stuff online that I appreciate very much. And mabe if I cut out the FB junk and concentrate on following the good threads in here I will find more of that I am looking for. Thanks for all the support :)
 
Well, personally I feel "asking permission" is not ideal. I feel each person in an open relationship can request certain things, but both are autonomous and don't need "permission" per se. Agreement, or giving one's blessing, is more like what works for me.

Also, I tried a veto with my ex husband. It didn't work, they still had feelings for each other, and continued as "close friends" and finally hooked up once he and I separated.

These are minor quibbles though, and might just be more semantics than anything.
 
I am sorry you've had bad experiences. I have, as well, and know it can be really frustrating when you're looking for a community (especially one that should, in theory, be more accepting and open-minded than most). I've always felt that people can have whatever rule they like, so long as they are honest and upfront about them, and it's up to the individuals to decide if they will participate. In my case, I don't really see the point of alienating anyone because of their poly "rules," I just choose not to participate with those who have rules that don't mesh well with my boundaries, which is one of the many reasons I don't do FB groups--what a nightmare.

I mostly don't see the point in arguing with someone about their "rules" for relationships. For example, generally, most of your rules seem sensible and based in safety and reality; but, I suspect you get a lot of flack especially about #5. It's a big issue in the poly world in general, because many (myself included) have been very badly burned by it, as it essentially treats the non-primary as a lesser human being, there only at the pleasure of someone else until it become inconvenient or insecurities surface. If I were a potential partner who was interested in one of you, I'd actually appreciate you saying upfront that veto power exists. For me, it would mean not entering into the relationship, but the honesty is far better than what often happens with couples (veto power is often said to not exist, even when it does). I am the proverbial HBB, but decided to not date couples at all because of the veto issue. It's deeply painful to be on the receiving end of a veto, especially if the relationship has been going on some time and is deeply emotional, and the veto is the result of metamour insecurity (rather than, say, crazy or bad behavior on my part or something). But, that is my choice to make, and you being up-front about your rules would me to make an informed decision.

So, while you'll get a lot of flack for the veto thing, it's great that you are open and honest about it, and it will likely help you attract people who are more interested in the same types of relationships you both are comfortable with.
 
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This site actually has the best (as far as I've found) group of folks who are interested in thoughtful discussions about poly.

Those were some weird responses you got to that other post-- not sure where that came from.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
Our main rules are:
1 Talk over any potentional new partners as early as possible
2 No sponanous sex (that is, we don't have sex with a new person the same night as we met them or realized the connection we had with them. We wait at least one day and ask permission)
3 Use protection or do STD tests before fluent bonding
4 Everyone have to strive at being open and honest and communicate
5 Primaries have the right to veto
6 Don't get so drunk that you don't remember the above rules
This is how we did it both when I met my now boyfriend, and when my husband started to explore things with his might-be-future-girlfriend. It worked well for us so far.

I think it was our rules 1,2 and 5 that some guy were upset about. He felt that everyone in a poly relationship should behave in the beginning as if they were single, not asking permission from anyonem just introduce people like "hey this is my new partner". I have not objection to that, as people are free to make their own rules, but he was being very negative towards our way of doing it, claiming we were mono in disguise or something similar.
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1,2 And 5 would be deal breakers for me too, I can see why people would be outraged to hear them
 
I know of the FB group of which you speak...and yes, it's hard to explain, but unless you're of a very specific political and geographic/cultural bent, it won't be a good fit. There is another with the same name where conversations are far more reasonable and poly oriented.

There are going to be people looking for partners in any of the groups, or even here. In fact, that would be what happened with your first posts as it was posted to an area of these forums specifically geared for people who wish to put up classified type ads for partners. If you're interested in only discussion, then I'd recommend you avoid posting to the bottom parts of the forum. And in the event that you have any other issues with unwelcome advances here, (and similar policies will exist on any reasonably run group) then please notify a mod.

With regards to your rules...different people have different ways of running their poly...none are necessarily right or wrong...there's just what works for you....and what works for them. If you get a negative reaction to your rules...then it only means that you've quickly determined that your poly and theirs are not compatible, and thus saved yourself a lot of time, tears, and possibly heartache finding out through a dating trial. Better for it to be upfront and out in the open from the beginning, so prospective partners can make an informed decision about whether such an arrangement is acceptable for them.

Otherwise, yes, there's far more poly's out there and groups, than just the two you've inquired about. It's just a matter of finding your people.

Welcome to the Forum.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, personally I feel "asking permission" is not ideal. I feel each person in an open relationship can request certain things, but both are autonomous and don't need "permission" per se. Agreement, or giving one's blessing, is more like what works for me.

Also, I tried a veto with my ex husband. It didn't work, they still had feelings for each other, and continued as "close friends" and finally hooked up once he and I separated.

These are minor quibbles though, and might just be more semantics than anything.
Click to expand...
Well, asking permission, informing or blessing... maybe we just use different words for the same thing. The point is we both had to be comfortable and no surprises. My husband had issues with poly before and so it was very important to him that I didn't trespass whatever boundries he put up. When I called him up to ask permission to be with my now boyfriend, I knew he would say yes - but he still appreciated that I asked. And more; my boyfriend also appreciated it, because he knew from the start that my husband was 100 % into what was happening. For him being new to poly, that was what convinced him we were serious and knew what we were doing.

We have never actually tried out the veto! Once I asked my husband about a woman who did not want to admit having feeling for him, because she was acting very strange towards me, I asked him if he could please speak to her about what was happening. He did, she became upset and that was the end of their close bonds (they were dance partners at the time). I have not always been happy with who my husband has fallen in love with, or the way they behaved, and him the same with mine, but we have never veto'ed them, because we have always done our best to fix things or ended things on our own accord. Veto is more like a backup plan when all plans have failed. It is a strong tool and we hope we never use it. Once new partners are primary, we can't use it.
 
Inyourendo said:
1,2 And 5 would be deal breakers for me too, I can see why people would be outraged to hear them
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The onely ones the rules concern and can be deal breakers for is me, my husband and the people we consider to sleep with or date or form relationship with. Mostly, people have issues with the concept of poly alltogether, not our rules themselves (they basically rather want to cheat or break up our marriage). My mono boyfriend loves our rules with their stress on direct communication and thinks "people in normal relationshis should learn from us".
 
ImaginaryIllusion said:
I know of the FB group of which you speak...and yes, it's hard to explain, but unless you're of a very specific political and geographic/cultural bent, it won't be a good fit. There is another with the same name where conversations are far more reasonable and poly oriented.

There are going to be people looking for partners in any of the groups, or even here. In fact, that would be what happened with your first posts as it was posted to an area of these forums specifically geared for people who wish to put up classified type ads for partners. If you're interested in only discussion, then I'd recommend you avoid posting to the bottom parts of the forum. And in the event that you have any other issues with unwelcome advances here, (and similar policies will exist on any reasonably run group) then please notify a mod.

With regards to your rules...different people have different ways of running their poly...none are necessarily right or wrong...there's just what works for you....and what works for them. If you get a negative reaction to your rules...then it only means that you've quickly determined that your poly and theirs are not compatible, and thus saved yourself a lot of time, tears, and possibly heartache finding out through a dating trial. Better for it to be upfront and out in the open from the beginning, so prospective partners can make an informed decision about whether such an arrangement is acceptable for them.

Otherwise, yes, there's far more poly's out there and groups, than just the two you've inquired about. It's just a matter of finding your people.

Welcome to the Forum.
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It is good it is not just me that run into strange people on FB. It is confusing that many groups are simply called Polyamory so it is sometimes hard to keep them apart.

It never occured to me that people would interprete my posts as looking for love... In the Norwegian poly forum we have discussions, not relationship ads. I am not looking for relationships or hookups but I guess others are and see me in that light. I will be watchful of it for other times, thank you for the tip.
 
Becca said:
This site actually has the best (as far as I've found) group of folks who are interested in thoughtful discussions about poly.

Those were some weird responses you got to that other post-- not sure where that came from.
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This is the best site for relationship advice, even for monos !
 
Hi Norwegianpoly,

Sorry you have had a bad experience on several poly sites, especially on this one. I think if you avoid the Dating & Friendships boards (There's one for each continent), you should be able to avoid unwelcome advances (or people thinking you're propositioning them).

I think I'd recommend you generally stick to the following boards:

The General Poly Discussions board might be a particularly good fit.

Given my experience of Polyamory.com appearing very high on the list of google results for "polyamory" and "polyamory forum," I feel like if there is or were such a thing as an international poly community, Polyamory.com would be it. I know of no other poly site or organization that has so many members, especially active members, with a wide range of viewpoints but a tendency toward the popular common-sense poly views.

That may come to you as bad news since your experience here so far hasn't been great. But I think that if you hang in there, try to take the occasional disagreeable stuff in stride, and notify the mods when someone harasses you, you will soon find that there are many good, kind, sensible members here and that they'll be happy to converse with you on various poly subjects. (As well as non-poly subjects if you visit the Fireplace!)

Consider that the bigger and busier a site (or community) is, the more likely it is to have some riffraff, nut jobs, and troll types. If you want to be a part of a big international community, you have to expect a certain amount of weirdness and aggravation. It's worth it if you can get to the good stuff.

If all else fails, message me personally and I'll try to help. I hope you'll stay on as an active member, as I value your input.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I certainly understand searching for a community where you'll fit in. It's harder than it sounds! I just left a FB group in a huff. It was a group for bisexual femme women in my geographical area. I hoped I'd find a bunch of out and proud bi women, maybe some poly and swinger types, but women who embraced their bisexuality and perhaps had found some balance between their relationships with men and women. Instead, they were mostly women sneaking around behind their husbands' backs, having casual sex, or FWB arrangements that dissolved if their husbands were displeased. Basically, the women treat each other like bits on the side while tending to their "real" relationships with men.

Ugh. It was depressing as fuck, so I told 'em off and left :)
 
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