I am in a relationship with a married couple. Recently my primary partner expressed she is jealous of me and the husband's relationship. We recently have been spending time together and became intimate. She says she's not mad or upset. This is just something she is feeling and seeing, but I feel bad about her being jealous. I don't want to come between my 2 partners because they have been married for ten years. But I also am developing feelings for the husband. What should I do?
Jealousy (triad)
- Thread starter Dee@304
- Start date
This is going to seem counterintuitive, but you should do nothing.
She has been truthful with you but this is a part of her processing her feelings and managing them herself rather than expecting any behaviour changes from you.
Sure, you could thank her for her honesty and integrity of working through her feelings, knowing that they are a journey but she doesn't have to let them fester. You could ask her if she wants any recommendations for reading to help her process.
But you are not required to be her therapist, nor change your actions or feelings regarding the husband.
You could, however, work through your own "bad" feelings and examine them from the perspective of deprogramming the mononormative approach to relationships that we are almost all brought up with.
They deliberately chose this path, and found you, the rare unicorn who was willing to get to know them both. The burden is therefore NOT on you to do any emotional labour for either of them regarding their feelings now their fantasies are coming into reality, with all the messiness that they should have been prepared for if they had done the slightest bit of research first.
She has been truthful with you but this is a part of her processing her feelings and managing them herself rather than expecting any behaviour changes from you.
Sure, you could thank her for her honesty and integrity of working through her feelings, knowing that they are a journey but she doesn't have to let them fester. You could ask her if she wants any recommendations for reading to help her process.
But you are not required to be her therapist, nor change your actions or feelings regarding the husband.
You could, however, work through your own "bad" feelings and examine them from the perspective of deprogramming the mononormative approach to relationships that we are almost all brought up with.
They deliberately chose this path, and found you, the rare unicorn who was willing to get to know them both. The burden is therefore NOT on you to do any emotional labour for either of them regarding their feelings now their fantasies are coming into reality, with all the messiness that they should have been prepared for if they had done the slightest bit of research first.
Do nothing. Her announcing what she's feeling is like her reporting her internal weather. You don't have to do anything about the sun or the rain outside. You don't have to do anything about her internal weather, either.
If she makes an ACTUAL rational and reasonable request, you might consider it. You could say "Okay, I am willing to do that."
If it's not reasonable or rational, then you don't do anything. You could say, "No, thanks. I won't be doing that."
Why do you feel bad if people experience some feelings? You are not responsible for their emotional management or how they choose to react or respond to those feelings. You could express sympathy if you feel that in response. But you don't have to DO anything to "fix their feelings."
So long as you aren't behaving like a jerk to people, be okay with them experiencing and managing their feelings through this transition, including them feeling some emotions sometimes that aren't the "fun" ones -- sad, mad, scared, jealous, etc. Presumably everyone WANTS to be here in this poly model, right? Well, that's the price of admission-- dealing with all the poly stuff that comes with it, including FEELINGS.
Let's call them Banana and Apple. You dating Banana and growing feelings for them isn't you coming between the two partners. That's Apple learning to cope with the fact that there is now a new couple in town called you + Banana.
Yes, the Apple/Banana dyad still exists. You have to deal with them as an established couple, which might not be especially fun for you.
Yes, the new you/Apple dyad is fun for Apple. Guess what? Banana has to deal with that as a new couple. That might not be fun for her.
Apple dealing with you and Banana as a dyad is new, and gonna bring some feelings up. That doesn't mean anything is wrong or bad. It is FAIR. Apple has to deal with some stuff, just like the rest of you do.
Keep dating Apple like you normally were, even though you're now also dating Banana. Maintain your work/life balance. Make time for rest, to be on your own, to be with your other friends and family, etc.
Galagirl
If she makes an ACTUAL rational and reasonable request, you might consider it. You could say "Okay, I am willing to do that."
If it's not reasonable or rational, then you don't do anything. You could say, "No, thanks. I won't be doing that."
Why do you feel bad if people experience some feelings? You are not responsible for their emotional management or how they choose to react or respond to those feelings. You could express sympathy if you feel that in response. But you don't have to DO anything to "fix their feelings."
So long as you aren't behaving like a jerk to people, be okay with them experiencing and managing their feelings through this transition, including them feeling some emotions sometimes that aren't the "fun" ones -- sad, mad, scared, jealous, etc. Presumably everyone WANTS to be here in this poly model, right? Well, that's the price of admission-- dealing with all the poly stuff that comes with it, including FEELINGS.
Let's call them Banana and Apple. You dating Banana and growing feelings for them isn't you coming between the two partners. That's Apple learning to cope with the fact that there is now a new couple in town called you + Banana.
Yes, the Apple/Banana dyad still exists. You have to deal with them as an established couple, which might not be especially fun for you.
Yes, the new you/Apple dyad is fun for Apple. Guess what? Banana has to deal with that as a new couple. That might not be fun for her.
Apple dealing with you and Banana as a dyad is new, and gonna bring some feelings up. That doesn't mean anything is wrong or bad. It is FAIR. Apple has to deal with some stuff, just like the rest of you do.
Keep dating Apple like you normally were, even though you're now also dating Banana. Maintain your work/life balance. Make time for rest, to be on your own, to be with your other friends and family, etc.
Galagirl
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Wow! I'm so thankful for this community for helping me thru this new chapter in my life. It has been hard and exciting and scary all at the same time, but this platform here gives me hope and encouragement. Thank you for your comments. It really helped.
Thank you for this motivation these comments in this community are helping me a lot. I appreciate you guys ❤
Hi Dee@304,
It sounds like your primary partner isn't necessarily telling you not to have a relationship with the husband, she is just admitting that she is experiencing some jealousy. I think it's possible that that's a problem she is willing to work on on her own, it's not necessarily a problem for you to solve. I could be wrong, but for now I suggest continuing in relationships with both partners.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your primary partner isn't necessarily telling you not to have a relationship with the husband, she is just admitting that she is experiencing some jealousy. I think it's possible that that's a problem she is willing to work on on her own, it's not necessarily a problem for you to solve. I could be wrong, but for now I suggest continuing in relationships with both partners.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Glad it helped you some.
Educate yourself on polyamory. In your daily living, try to take it one day at a time, one thing at a time.
The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't quite here yet. The transition sometimes feeling a bit weird is normal for times of changes.
Remember to BREATHE as you live into your new reality.
Galagirl
Educate yourself on polyamory. In your daily living, try to take it one day at a time, one thing at a time.
The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't quite here yet. The transition sometimes feeling a bit weird is normal for times of changes.
Remember to BREATHE as you live into your new reality.
Galagirl
It sounds like you are in a relationship with a woman who we are calling Apple. And you have just started a romantic relationship with a man we are calling Banana. They are two individuals with different feelings and needs. There are two relationships.
How long have you been dating Apple?
Are you all new to poly?
It sounds like you've all already had talks, and determined that Apple is your "primary," making Banana your secondary. Is that true? How will this play out? Do you and Banana have some magical way of preventing your feelings from growing to the point where you feel they are your co-primaries?
Did she consent to Banana and you spending more time together and having sex? But now that you've done it, she's grown jealous?
Something GG didn't mention is that jealousy is based in fear. It sounds like Apple is fearful you will replace her in Banana's affections, or even force her out.
Is Banana not handling his NRE for you very well? (New relationship energy can be very overwhelming.)
Are you not handling YOUR NRE for Banana well?
Are you showing too many PDAs in front of Apple?
Are you three having threeway sex, and you and Banana are favoring each other?
What can YOU do in your actions to show Apple that you aren't trying to take her place?
Personally, I am not fond of triads, because there seems to always be jealousy between the established couple over their shared partner... This is almost inevitable. You might want to rethink dating/fucking Banana. I am NOT saying it's your intention to cowgirl Banana away from Apple, but sometimes established couples DO break up when they try and share a unicorn, and it goes badly.
It could be that Apple vetoes you and demands Banana and you break up.
It could be that Apple does that, and also breaks up with you.
It could be that Banana breaks up with Apple and stays with you.
It could be that you all break up and go your own ways.
Or maybe you'll work it out, the couple will feel reassured, and learn to share nicely.
Being jealous IS being upset, afraid of loss. She might also be envious. If you and Banana are often going off without her, she might not be managing that time alone well. She might feel rejected, unsure of her place, resentful of the newbie getting time with her partner of 10 years.
Did Apple start up with you to experiment with her bi side, but now Banana wants in on the act? Is this whole thing really okay?
You ARE coming between them, though, realistically. Their old relationship with each other is over. They have to forge a new one, where they are okay with each other having other loves/sexual partners. And in this case, they are both trying to date the same person! They might be better off dating individually.
Please read the book Opening Up for much more information on how to successfully practice polyamory. There is also a good podcast called Multiamory.
And here is a list of further resources:
I respectfully disagree. The (Apple+Banana) dynamic changing is not on Dee@304. It is not Dee@304 coming between them to break them up or something.
If Apple and Banana chose to open, Apple and Banana chose to open.
I do agree that their old (Apple+ Banana) dynamic and relationship model IS over. They chose to give it up in order to change and enter a NEW relationship model. They may experience loss and mourn the "old normal." They may not even realize they're grieving that, because couples don't typically think, "We are breaking up on purpose in order to come together in a new model." Couples usually think "Just like us, but with three!" or "Adding another to the relationship." So, stumbling on break-up grief catches them by surprise because all the people are still here... so why is there this grief? It's grief for the end of the old normal. That's why.
But Apple and Banana making Dee@304 responsible for how the (Apple + Banana) dyad goes, or how it makes it through transition, or not? Nope.
Apple and Banana making Dee@304 responsible for any of their own wonky thinking or naïveté? Nope.
Apple and Banana choosing to open comes with a price of admission, which presumably they were willing to pay.
Dee304 choosing to date two people who are ALSO dating each other, rather than dating only Apple or only Banana, also comes with a price of admission, which presumably they were willing to pay.
To me, when a three-person system comes together, they each hold individual responsibility for the situation they are making. They are each responsible for their own preparedness and emergency preparedness.
Dee@304, you can own the parts that are actually yours, but don't take personal responsibility for the parts that are NOT yours. Each person can deal with their own baggage. It's not your job to carry other people's baggage for them.
Do look at the resources Mags provided, especially:
There is also:
Labriola -- Unmasking Green Eyed Monster
Labriola -- Poly Hell
They all list common issues. Tread with caution. But don't get so bogged down you forget to enjoy the unfolding of your new relationships. There is nothing wrong with enjoying that, enjoying getting to know each other, enjoying the NRE phase, etc. Hopefully everyone makes it through transition and out the other side.
Galagirl
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Wow, this was a lot to take in...
I've been dating both of them from the start. We are all new to being poly. I've been intimate with Apple alone several times, but have only had 3ways with Banana. Apple definitely expressed she thought I might want to take her place, but that's not true. She is my primary partner.
She did consent to Banana and me spending time together. She expressed after a 3-way she could tell that Banana and I had developed feelings for each other. Also, after a date Banana and I had, she said she could tell.
Apple was in a relationship with a woman for ten years before her marriage to Banana.
Yes, I understand it's a lot to take in. Take your time, reread the info, read the other resources we've suggested. Let it all simmer in your mind, see how it applies to your situation, and allow it to inform your decisions and behavior as you go.
Triads are the most complicated form of polyamory there is. In some ways they are more complicated than quads, where one couple dates another couple, mostly by doing spouse swapping (although quads often go awry too).
It's interesting that Apple was the one who told you and Banana that you two have "developed feelings" for each other. Do you agree; does Banana agree that you have gone beyond FBs or FWBs to something deeper? Or is Apple imagining there is more there than there is because of her jealousy or envy?
I am not sure if you mentioned how long you were dating Apple before deciding you were primaries. Is Banana not also her primary, being her husband and all? So, she has 2 primaries. But she doesn't want Banana to have 2 primaries, or for you to have 2 primaries? Why not?
I am not being judgmental. I have a long-term female partner, and in our earlier years we had a few threeways with bfs of mine. I found it hard to figure out the relationship dynamics. Was she my partner, but the guys' FWB or FB? One of my bfs seemed to want to make her another partner of his. But she didn't want that, because she felt like she was horning in on my "territory," so to speak. Eventually we made a firm boundary that she wouldn't have sex with any bf of mine, ever again. In fact, she stopped hanging out socially with my bfs, and we went more parallel. With my current male partner, Aries, Pixi pretty much stayed away from him until it was crystal clear he wasn't thinking there might be a chance of having sex with or dating both of us. (Men being what they are, dating a woman who had a female partner was like catnip to them, having sex with 2 women being the most common male fantasy...)
Was this not "supposed to" happen (you and Banana developing feelings for each other)? Did this couple have an agreement that there would be only sex, and no feelings, in their triad here? Did you agree this was supposed to be casual across the board? Or did you all somehow think it was going to happen that you would care about Apple as a gf (and vice versa) but you would somehow not also come to care for Banana as a bf, and vice versa?
Let's be clear that the word "intimacy" can mean merely sexually intimate (while feelings remain casual), or emotionally intimate. You can be emotionally intimate with someone without having sex, of course. That's what good friends are.
When you spend a lot of time with someone you're attracted to, having sex, hanging out, cuddling, going out on vanilla dates, generally, bonding hormones start to fire, and you want to spend more and more time together, more time talking intimately/openly, being vulnerable, getting to know each other deeply, and often, you fall in love.
If Apple is uneasy with you falling for Banana, and him falling for you, and maybe more of a co-primary situation developing, this is something they will need to work out between themselves. You might want to take a step back for a period of time as they come to terms with reality.
If you are Apple's primary, what does that even mean? Often primaries spend a lot of time together, long weekends at least, take vacations together, meet each other's families, do household chores together, maybe mingle finances, maybe want to move in together. Do you and Apple want that? How would that work out, since she's already married and in a decade-long relationship?