Just LR

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi LovingRadiance,

So sorry to hear about all the tragedy that you and your family are experiencing. It seems that Maca is being very selfish. I wonder if one thing he's doing is trying to force you to interact with him by doing things he knows will cause problems for you. Then you have to ask him to stop, and *then* he'll stop, after he gets the negative attention he wanted from you. But, I see that in other areas, he isn't willing to work with you at all, especially in financial areas. That boggles me, since he is not only hurting you, he is hurting the kids. Doesn't he care about the kids?

I can only hope and pray that things will get better for you somehow. Yes, even as an atheist, I send prayers in your direction. I don't think anything can improve quickly, but maybe little improvements are possible over a long period of time.

Please keep updating us from time to time.
With much sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

AnnabelMore

New member
My heart really hurts for you and your family, LR. Thank you for sharing the update, and I second kdt's hope that you'll keep checking in. We all care about you and yours.

Please don't think that your hard work with the kids is out the window -- things might be turbulent now, but the vast majority of really important developmental milestones happen earlier in childhood. While the kids might have various resentments to deal with now, or have their life plans altered (hopefully temporarily!!) they still have a strong base of mental and emotional stability from which to draw. They know what it means to be loved, to have a safe home. And even though it is hard, and they may not completely understand until they are older, you are setting a good example for them now.

I have too many friends who are suffering greatly from various mental and emotional afflictions that you can clearly and directly trace back to abusive or neglectful treatment in their younger years. Your children will have their own struggles, but they will not have to deal with that life-long burden. Instead they will have good memories, and they will know what a loving family *should* look like.

Wishing you all the best.
 
Dear LR,

It's been a while, I know. I haven't got Internet at home and on the occasions when I've escaped from home, my Internet time has recently been almost monopolised by various literary interests. (This year I registered a publishing company and have brought out 4 books so far, 3 by myself and one compilation. Surf http://la-granota.com if you're interested.)

But now I've popped in and find that your life is in turmoil. I've jumped a few pages back on this thread to get an idea of just what's going on, and it seems that Maca is acting like an arsehole... again. (I write "it seems" because I haven't read his side of the situation. Frankly, nor have I waded through the whole thread since the 4th page back: it gets me down. The Deary knows what it must be doing to you.)

From what you've written, Maca is "projecting", e.g. accusing you of not being to compromise when it's HE who isn't willing to compromise.

From what you've written, he's playing with your head. But you have several things going for you:

You are a kick-ass mother and you have NO doubt about that. You therefore have kids and grandchildren who care for you and believe in you. The love of your children: the absolutely strongest power on this planet.

You are a caring, open person who has EARNED a great number of friends on this site. And I'd be certifiably insane if I didn't assume that you've done so with many off this site as well. We also care for you (even those scumbags like myself, ;):D:rolleyes:, who don't check in with you as often as we should) and are rooting for you.

You are an intelligent, multi-talented person, capable of house repairs and child-rearing as well as studying for some pretty heavy-duty academics. (Mathematicians are generally multi-faceted: just look at my own shining example! :eek:)

My advice: Tell Maca where to get off. You DON'T buy the spoiled kid kicking up a tantrum on the supermarket floor that piece of plastic CRAP just so he'll stop making a scene and attracting the attention of other shoppers. If you DO give in to his emotional blackmail, he'll just grow up knowing that by being obnoxious, he can win whatever he wants.

I repeat: You DON'T treat a spoiled kid like this. Bad for you, bad for him.

So why the FUCK should you treat a spoiled adult like this??? What Maca wants you to "buy" for him is CRAP. It would cost you more than mere money. And it wouldn't be good for him, either. Walk out of the supermarket. Let him keep kicking the floor and screaming his head off. (NOTE WELL: If you try this with a child, you'll have the Police on your tail. But you're not [legally] responsible for another adult's bad behaviour.)

I send you enough HUGS to make up for my long silence.
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
I just spent 4 days away for work in a cabin my job rented for me with an outdoor hottub-in Denali National Park.
What a wonderful break!

Maca left for hunting camp the day after I left for work, with SweetPea in tow. Sour Pea is with GG.

Maca and I sat down a couple days before I left and ironed out (again) a settlement agreement. He is wanting to rush the divorce paperwork.
Ironically after that meeting-he's been unbelievably agreeable and reasonable. The swing from crazy to reasonable is wearing thin.

At any rate; things are what they are. I am taking full advantage of my 4 day break from home.
Tomorrow I finish up the work here and head back to town. I have two days off work (but class one of those days). Then it's back to the grind at work.

I'm looking forward to a week with Sour Pea without the rest of hte household so we can have some bonding time like Sweet Pea and I had last month.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
It's almost funnier/more twisted/blatantly obviously bizarre since I haven't posted in between.

Maca and I sat down to talk again this last Sunday regarding what the plans were with the kids for the upcoming holidays.

He told me that he isn't pushing for a divorce, hasn't hired a lawyer, that he "had it stuck in his head that it was harder to find someone to date while married" but that "I'm not impressed with the dating scene anyway" (he has been dating, he's posting about it on fb-which I don't see-but do hear about from the kids and he's been arranging weekends away).

Anyway-he also isn't wanting to move out because he's realized that he can't buy anything right now and to rent a shitty little dive he will pay as much or more than our mortgage.

This isn't news to me (the renting). I was trying to discuss the financial ramifications before-but he wouldn't hear a word I said.

ANYWAY-I stared at him in silence. First of all-to control myself and be sure I wasn't just being reactionary. But second-because I kept thinking "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SWING THE PENDULUM SO FAR SO FAST SO MANY TIMES!"

I messaged him later to point out to him that it is extremely destructive to me, that he refuses to acknowledge my knowledge and expertise in any area. Anything I say is automatically bullshit-until someone unrelated and having nothing to do with me says it as well. It's extremely offensive and I'm sure there must be a term for that somewhere-because it's a twisted form of abuse and I know it is-I can FEEL the emotional and psychological damage it has done to me to have him do that consistently for the last 17 years.
Anyway-I pointed out to him that he has always done it, and its extraordinarily destructive and offensive.

He replied with acknowledging that it is something I have complained about through out our relationship and that he can see how it is destructive. He didn't apologize or admit that it's ACTUALLY happening-just that I have been complaining about it.
But I know it's always happened, it's just important for me to consistently speak up about behaviors that are destructive for me. Partly so I remain conscious of them and don't fall into the habit of minimizing them. Partly because holding others accountable for how they treat me is one of my weaknesses and naming the inappropriate behaviors and calling them out is part of the process.

I have struggled through a pretty rough but thankfully short depression this last month. It's not GONE-but the really low lows have leveled off and that is helpful.
I have scheduled for this weekend to be gone for two nights at a hotel. I am looking forward to the break. I have accepted that one way or another, I need to start making these breaks a priority because I need them.

I'm struggling along with my classes. It's not going terrible, but it's certainly not the A-level quality my professors are used to. It's really hard to focus when I'm struggling with depression and anxiety and drama at home. Not to mention the struggle of working and trying to keep up with the kids stuff too. Suffice it to say, I'm NOT managing to keep up with everything to the level of quality I prefer or am known for. But I haven't dropped the ball and I'm working hard to accept that any sort of progress is still progress.

My supervisor is bidding the position I am in, for more hours (winter time it is only 16-20 hours a week) in a direct effort to give me more work. He likes my work, he likes my ethics. He's been very impressed with my efforts and is definitely making sure to promote me being known by other managerial staff. It won't be today or tomorrow, but I do think I have a high probability of getting a full time year round position with this company. I like the way they treat me. I like the feeling of accomplishment I get when they give me new and different responsibilities and I accomplish them and they praise me for it.

This last week I was asked to go to Human Resources and take a typing test, because depending on my typing speed I could be eligible for other office positions and they are interested in having me cover for other employees while they are out sick or on vacation-in a step towards applying for a position when one comes open.
I got an 80 wpm raw score and 79 wpm when mistakes were factored. :)
It's the second highest score they have ever had and I just walked in, set my bags down, did the three minute test cold-literally-it was freezing outside and I walked over there.
Anyway-they were very impressed. It's not rocket science that I'm overqualified for the position I am in. It's getting noticed. But-I don't mind working my way up. I will have earned the respect because they are watching me bust my ass.

I have been dating one person this last year. It's going well. We both are taking a very "solo poly" approach to our romance. It's ironic to me that I have been functionally mono with him. Ironic because it's not what I was looking for, but I'm getting my needs met and that is more important than the rest of the details.
He has a couple other ladies on his radar and we talk about them. One is long distance, the other is local but not comfortable with socializing with me. I'm ok with that. I know all about her and she knows all about me. She recently had a baby and she's having a rough go with post partum. I gave him some suggestions in how to deal with her emotions right now-because he doesn't have children, but I have been through post partum with severe depression several times over. He seems to have appreciated the information.
I don't have anyone else on my radar. I don't have time, energy or emotional strength to deal with sifting through the wheat/chaff. I am focusing on enjoying my freedom, improving myself, gaining financial independence and settling into a routine that works for me.
 
I don't have anyone else on my radar. I don't have time, energy or emotional strength to deal with sifting through the wheat/chaff. I am focusing on enjoying my freedom, improving myself, gaining financial independence and settling into a routine that works for me.

This is one of the things about poly I love the most, in the quest of sexual freedom (among women especially...and certainly true for me!) each person can find freedom in themselves. They find freedom in being themselves, and in however they want to express themselves sexually/financial/ socially...it's like once you take control in one aspect it spills over into all other areas in amazing ways. It's a beauitful thing. I am glad you're taking care of you. Fantastic to hear!
 

A2Poly

New member
That diminishing, not trusting anything you say without confirmation thing that Maca does IS a form of abuse. I think it's a form of gas lighting. My dad used to do that to my mom, and it did terrible things to her self image and self esteem.
 
I haven't been here awhile but thought I'd check out the blogs of the people I see post on FB. I know its hard to not do your A best in classes, but lady, I have to say, I admire you SO much. I'm somewhat in a similar place to you relationally, and I don't have kids and if I could pull myself up even 20% of what you seem to have done, I'd be proud of myself and been out of my own mess awhile ago. From over here, you are kicking ass, so I just want to give you a bit of perspective, and encourage you to cut yourself slack.
AND I'm glad you are getting your needs met with somebody who is able AND willing to do so!
 

nycindie

New member
It's almost funnier/more twisted/blatantly obviously bizarre since I haven't posted in between.

Maca and I sat down to talk again this last Sunday regarding what the plans were with the kids for the upcoming holidays.

He told me that he isn't pushing for a divorce, hasn't hired a lawyer, that he "had it stuck in his head that it was harder to find someone to date while married" but that "I'm not impressed with the dating scene anyway" (he has been dating, he's posting about it on fb-which I don't see-but do hear about from the kids and he's been arranging weekends away).

Anyway-he also isn't wanting to move out because he's realized that he can't buy anything right now and to rent a shitty little dive he will pay as much or more than our mortgage.

This isn't news to me (the renting). I was trying to discuss the financial ramifications before-but he wouldn't hear a word I said.

It just sounds like he is procrastinating and trying to avoid coming to a financial agreement and finalizing the divorce. If you don't mind my saying so, he's being an ass.
 

MeeraReed

Member
An old post reminded me of how long it's been since I've seen LovingRadiance here...anyone heard from her lately? I used to enjoy her posts & hope she is doing okay!
 

Leetah

Member
Yeah, I was thinking of L.R. just the other day, wondering how things are going. I have been glad for Red pepper's occassional updates, though often they have been sad.

Leetah
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Divorce

I haven't been on here in a long time.
Life.
Responsibilities.
Too much emotional shit to work through.

In October 2014 Maca said he wanted a divorce. He left town.
There was a lot of drama.
I don't have time or energy to detail it.
A year later he returned to the house as a roommate to coparent the kids. He wanted to try again. I said no. I told him, he wasn't trustworthy. He wasn't capable to sticking to his word and whenever things got difficult emotionally he ran away. He asked what it would take to prove he had changed. I told him point blank, 5-7 years of stable commitment to the kids and his obligation to the family (not pertinent to dating or me) would be a start.

We lived as roommates.
In all honesty it seemed to be going well.
In March of this year we went to Hawaii together to look at properties. He had agreed to put the down payment on a place for me to own in full in my own name. He would stay with our daughter and I until she was grown and then I would return the favor and put a downpayment on a place for him. At that point we would go our separate ways but maintain our friendship (which works out best for the kids).

When we returned home, he changed his mind and said he needed out. He needed a legal divorce because he couldn't handle it any more. We agreed that I would spend 1/2 a week not living at the house so he could have dates over to the house while our daughter was with GG (who has his own apartment). I would be at the house while our kiddo was there during the week & next summer I would take over the payments on the house and he would move (out of state).
In May he took our daughter to be with someone who was unsafe and GG and I flipped shit. He got defensive claiming he could "do whatever he wanted" during "his time". I took our daughter and supervised all contact for 3 weeks. At that point he agreed it was totally insane behavior, wouldn't happen again, we sat down to iron out a custody agreement.

In June we went to Missouri for my sisters wedding. We spent the week talking and agreeing to a divorce settlement. We agreed I would type it up formally when we got back to Alaska and we would sign it and move on.

We returned June 20th. He met someone new on the 23rd. July 9th (our 20th anniversary) he sent me a LONG message about how he would always love me and blah blah blah. On July 11th he changed the locks on the doors and started leaving our daughter in the care of his "new girlfriend" but refusing to give me her name or contact information. He also restricted my & GG's ability to reach our daughter. We continued to argue about it by text and phone with no success. He threatened our adult son that if he gave me entry to the house he would kick him out of the house. He moved his girlfriend and her two kids into the house.

July 18th I confronted him and his girlfriend at the house. She took our daughter and left. He tried to kick me off the property and found out that by law he can not do that as we joint own it.

July 23rd I got my daughter back in my hands and filed a restraining order.
We are now waiting on the courts to deal with the divorce.

It's been a shitshow.

GG and remain close friends and we continue to raise the youngest together with my bf and sister. We retain close relationships with all the older kids and we will all be together for the holidays. None of whom will speak to Maca at this time due to his ongoing refusal to settle the court shit.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hey LR, it's good to hear from you again. Sorry Maca has been putting you through so much drama. :(
 

MeeraReed

Member
I am not surprised to hear that the Maca drama has continued :(

Were you able to finish your degree? How old are your kids now?

Thanks for the update, and hope you continue to manage as well as you can.
 

Leetah

Member
I'm glad to hear from you again, though very sorry to hear Maca is still messing up your family's life. May you get clear of him and be off to warmer climes soon!

Leetah
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Lets see... The kids are 28, 23, 22, 19 & 12 year.
Grandkids (there are now 3) are 8, 6, and 4 (soon to be 5 in a month).

I finished my bachelors of science in Psychology. I am halfway through my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology. Should finish up somewhere around next Christmas.

I am working for a local homeless shelter for teens. It keeps me very busy.
The second from the youngest (sweetpea) is living at the house. The oldest three are out on their own. The youngest is with me.

I had court this month and the court awarded me the house (which means that SweetPea can stay there). GG is moving back into the house to be roommates with SweetPea and that means Sourpea can do half her time at the house and half with me.

The rest of the divorce won't happen until at least March. But that isn't of significant concern to me.

I am doing well. The kids are doing much better with the house decision finalized.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like some things are looking up. That's good to hear.
 
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