KT's Blog

Kat, have you thought about individual counseling to work on your anger and resentment and jealousy toward GF? You don't have to be friends with her, but if you could release some of the feelings you wouldn't you be healthier?
Is it possible that you point them toward her instead of your husband, as you love him?

I know I am struggling with someone in my life and have for many years. It is my sibling and I am struggling to forgive what I see as a huge betrayal on there part. Knowing they went behind my back to gather "evidence" of something that wasn't true. It has lead to a huge amount of angry, on my part. In my case, my parent was able to provide clarity on the situation and able to let me know that I wasn't the person who was in the wrong they were. The problem is I am filled with all the things you stated above. I am missing a huge family event, so there won't be a showdown. I wouldn't intiate it and my parent knows it. However, my sibling would and it would cause lots of harm. So my parent knowing I am a reasonable, mature person asked me to stay away. I have at times let this spill into my live with my immediate family and caused them pain and anguish. The person it is hurting most is me. I have done group counseling with sibling, but am finding individual better. Helping me to cope with my individual feelings and working out how to cope.

Just wondering,
LMBL
 
Conincidences

@KT

That's quite a coincidence. A friend gave me the wolf quote during my weekend of hell. The first weekend Z stayed with his other while we were together http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/polyamorous-people/2010/07/jealousy.html

That link will take you to my blog there is also a post about building a bridge to his OSO. I realised that any anger, resentment I held towards her was also felt by Z so I have done everything I can to eliminate it. It was like, "If I really love him as much as I believe I do why am I hurting him like this?" Ultimately the more I have released any negativity towards her the more he is able to love me.
 
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Releasing the hate....

Livingmybestlife said:
Kat, have you thought about individual counseling to work on your anger and resentment and jealousy toward GF? You don't have to be friends with her, but if you could release some of the feelings you wouldn't you be healthier? Is it possible that you point them toward her instead of your husband, as you love him?

I know I am struggling with someone in my life and have for many years. It is my sibling and I am struggling to forgive what I see as a huge betrayal on there part. Knowing they went behind my back to gather "evidence" of something that wasn't true. It has lead to a huge amount of angry, on my part. In my case, my parent was able to provide clarity on the situation and able to let me know that I wasn't the person who was in the wrong they were. The problem is I am filled with all the things you stated above. I am missing a huge family event, so there won't be a showdown. I wouldn't intiate it and my parent knows it. However, my sibling would and it would cause lots of harm. So my parent knowing I am a reasonable, mature person asked me to stay away. I have at times let this spill into my live with my immediate family and caused them pain and anguish. The person it is hurting most is me. I have done group counseling with sibling, but am finding individual better. Helping me to cope with my individual feelings and working out how to cope. Just wondering,
LMBL
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Hi LMBL - I have been in couseling for over a year now because of this situation. The first counselor was not helpful at all (threw up her hands and said "I don't know how you are going to do this.") My husband came with me - but it became clear that she was not going to be able to help me. The second counselor I went to (my husband and his g/f also went to the same one - and once we had a group session that did not go well.) was much, much more helpful. She was an awesome woman who supported, encouraged and kicked my ass when it was needed. Unfortunately, we have now all stopped seeing her - all for different reasons. For me, it was too difficult because we all wanted different things from this - so it was a huge conflict of interest for her. I am now in the process of trying to find someone else with poly experience - but a change in our insurance is making it tough. I need a life coach or someone who can help me find a way to be happy with me and who can help me change my negative perspective of things. Then, and only then will I be able to begin to work on a relationship with MG.

The problem is that all of my anger, hatred and resentment towards her - come out to him out of my frustration and resentment of him. I don't typically say anything to him about my feelings towards her unless we are in a fight. It's hard to see the love of my life - leave me and our children, to go spend time with someone I hate and resent. I could go on and on about my feelings for her and my reasons for those feelings - but I have hurt 2Rings enough and promised him I would not use this site as a place to bash or vent about her. I have decided that it is best that her and I not have any contact. I had started writing her an email explaining what I was feeling - but didn't send it because it would only hurt my husband more. That's the last thing I want to do.

sage said:
@KT - That's quite a coincidence. A friend gave me the wolf quote during my weekend of hell. The first weekend Z stayed with his other while we were together http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/polyamorous-people/2010/07/jealousy.html

That link will take you to my blog there is also a post about building a bridge to his OSO. I realised that any anger, resentment I held towards her was also felt by Z so I have done everything I can to eliminate it. It was like, "If I really love him as much as I believe I do why am I hurting him like this?" Ultimately the more I have released any negativity towards her the more he is able to love me.
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Thanks Sage - I did check out that link. I will look at it again tomorrow when I have more time. I do realize how much my hatred of MG is hurting my husband and I am trying my best not to talk to him about how I feel. However, when we fight - that is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I don't say it to hurt him - I say it because him and I have ALWAYS been 100% honest with each other. There is nothing I keep from him. This is the first time in our 20 years together - that I can't talk honestly with my best friend. It adds to my frustration. I am trying to find a way to release my negativity towards her - but it is so strong that it's not an easy task. I know - that to show him how much I love him and how much I want to support him that I am going to have to find a way. Somehow. That's what I am struggling with now - I don't know how to stop feeling how I do about her. I do know that my anger and hatred is hurting me and our marriage more than it is hurting her. I am at the point where I know he needs her in his life and I accept that. I am not asking him to end it with her. I am just asking that he keep me and our marriage seperate from her and their relationship.

I agree with you - he is my love and my life - and I am hurting him by hating her. For him, I need to release those feelings. Any suggestions?

Thanks - Kat
 
One suggestion-
(NOT being snarky AT ALL-please really think on this KT)

Stop lying to yourself.

You hate HIM for loving her. Yes-you love him. I get that.

But it's important to be REAL with yourself in order to work on your emotional upheavals.

You make a BIG point of saying you hate her-but the truth is that she isn't the one who married you and promised you a life.

HE DID-you hate HIM for bringing her into your sphere.

You can never truly deal with your broken heart or your emotions in regards to her until you stop misplacing the blame.

Again-I'm not being snarky. I've been there (needing to be real in this manner). It isn't easy to face the truth of having hateful feelings towards our most beloved and best friend/spouse.
But if you deny that part-the rest can't be dealt with.

Good luck. ;)
 
I'm a bit uncomfortable with all this talk of "hate" on a polyamory forum. Surely the feeling of "hate" in this context is a way of describing a pain response? I find it almost impossible to comprehend "hating" someone that loves your love and that he loves in return. But then I suppose if what LR is saying is true then it is a little more acceptable than hating the love of your life.

You have a lot to think about with all this so I'm not going to overload you, this isn't going to be solved overnight. I will say however that as a mono in a poly relationship I think it is important to find your passion. I think we need to feed our own souls with something that truly ignites us. And we need the support of our partner in helping to make room for it in our life.
 
sage said:
I find it almost impossible to comprehend "hating" someone that loves your love and that he loves in return. B.
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I don't know. I am sure the husband of the woman I had an affair with would hate me no matter if I loved her or she loved me. If you are in a poly relationship but aren't poly or cannot embrace it to some degree the feeling is the same as your partner cheating on you. The emotions generated would be the same towards your partners love. Having knowledge of the relationship and talking about it doesn't eradicate the similarity with being betrayed for some people I would think. It might be misdirected but I believe hate would be accurate in the sense of wanting some one to suffer or die to put it bluntly. Maybe hate is another crime of passion?
 
LovingRadiance said:
One suggestion-(NOT being snarky AT ALL-please really think on this KT). Stop lying to yourself. You hate HIM for loving her. Yes-you love him. I get that. But it's important to be REAL with yourself in order to work on your emotional upheavals. You make a BIG point of saying you hate her-but the truth is that she isn't the one who married you and promised you a life. HE DID-you hate HIM for bringing her into your sphere.
You can never truly deal with your broken heart or your emotions in regards to her until you stop misplacing the blame.

Again-I'm not being snarky. I've been there (needing to be real in this manner). It isn't easy to face the truth of having hateful feelings towards our most beloved and best friend/spouse. But if you deny that part-the rest can't be dealt with. Good luck. ;)
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LR - WOW! Not snarky at all - you're right. This is something that I talked to my therapist about - she called me out on this too. I do have a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband. I hate that he did this to me and our marriage. I hate that he is putting his needs before me, our marriage and our family. I hate that he fell in love with someone else - especially someone who is the exact polar opposite of me. I hate myself for being so weak and trusting that I caved into the pressures and guilt he put on me to allow him to have sex with MG in the first place. I didn't want this - but was bullied into letting this happen. I trusted him when he told me it was just sex - no more. I hate myself for not putting my foot down because I didn't want to upset or disappoint him. I am angry at him because he sees how much this hurts me, he sees how this has made me depressed, insecure, anxious - but he places the blame on me. I am open and honest and I admit to these feelings towards my husband. And yes, admitting I feel hatred towards the love of my life is extremely difficult. I have told him how I feel - but his outlook is "it is what it is - accept it and move on." He does feel guilt for causing me hurt - but he is frustrated that I am still struggling. However - I do have hate, anger and resent towards MG for reasons I'm not going to go into. So I do admit to my feelings - what now? Admitting them doesn't make them go away. With my husband - the love I feel for him is strong enough for me to be able to push aside the negative feelings in order to enjoy our time together. But it doesn't last long. That is why we can't seem to go a day or so without fighting. I need to find a way to forgive and forget - my marriage depends on it.

Livingmybestlife said:
LR, Thank you for saying what I didn't articulate. It seems it is misplaced anger toward 2rings and it is focused on MG. I totally feel for you Kat!
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LMBL - you are also right. Thank you!

sage said:
I'm a bit uncomfortable with all this talk of "hate" on a polyamory forum. Surely the feeling of "hate" in this context is a way of describing a pain response? I find it almost impossible to comprehend "hating" someone that loves your love and that he loves in return. But then I suppose if what LR is saying is true then it is a little more acceptable than hating the love of your life.

You have a lot to think about with all this so I'm not going to overload you, this isn't going to be solved overnight. I will say however that as a mono in a poly relationship I think it is important to find your passion. I think we need to feed our own souls with something that truly ignites us. And we need the support of our partner in helping to make room for it in our life.
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Sage - I appreciate what you're saying. But remember - my brain is mono-wired. I don't understand having the ability to love two people (and don't bring up children - it's different.). I do look at his needing her in his life shows a void in our relationship and in me - I take it as a flaw in me. He has pointed out many times what she gives him that I don't. I have told him that I want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then I will let him go. He gives me all I need. I don't have the need to seek out another person. He is all I need. It breaks my heart that after 20 years - he doesn't feel the same anymore.

And because I want him to be happy - I'm not asking him to end things with her. But it doesn't mean I have to have her in my life. She accepts her husbands need for DADT - but they are forcing me to welcome her into our lives, our family with open arms. Also - if he fell in love with someone else - would MG be ok with that? Would MG be happy for him? Would she become friends with the new g/f? The answer is NO - she wouldn't. She doesn't want us to go swinging anymore because of jealousy and fear of STD's. But I am supposed to be completely ok with them having sex and being in love? Im supposed to like her and let her into our lives? The hypocrisy is too much!

Here is an example I gave my husband: if I came home one day Goth - and had Goth friends, went to Goth parties etc (and I'm not knocking Goth - but that is about as far from my appearance and personality as I can get). Would he accept it? Would he go out in public with me? Would he go to Goth parties with me? Or would he say this is your thing - not mine. Would he understand and accept but not want to participate?

Do I have a passion? No - except for him and our children. Right or wrong - he has been my passion for 20 years. I don't have close friends. I don't have a hobby. I don't have goals. Whose fault is that? Mine - all mine.

I agree with you the importance of having a passion and feeding my soul - but where to start?
 
Kat,

When I read what you just wrote, it appears that you feel, your emotional needs, wants and wishes are behind everyone, 2rings, MG, her husband and you last.

What I read is that you feel very unimportant and unable to make any boundaries. To some degree are feeling the message is that you don't matter and that if you don't like it move on without me. That you have a lack of any control in your life.

Is this accurate? If it is there is no wonder there is constant conflict.

LYBL
 
Livingmybestlife said:
Kat,

When I read what you just wrote, it appears that you feel, your emotional needs, wants and wishes are behind everyone, 2rings, MG, her husband and you last.

What I read is that you feel very unimportant and unable to make any boundaries. To some degree are feeling the message is that you don't matter and that if you don't like it move on without me. That you have a lack of any control in your life.

Is this accurate? If it is there is no wonder there is constant conflict.

LYBL
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Very much so. MG makes a point to post about how great and supportive her husband has been - when in reality he really wants to know nothing about the situation, does not want to meet 2Rings and doesn't see a need or reason to be included or include 2Rings in their family. Sure, he's not as upset and emotional as I am - but he gets to stick his head in the sand. When I say I don't want her as a part of my life - I'm criticized and resented. Yet I've been here from the beginning of this. I am reminded daily that she's in his life. She buys him things that get brought into our house. They have sex in our truck. I find her hair in our truck, on his clothes, in the laundry, in our tent and sleeping bag. Her husband doesn't get that constant reminder. So yes, I do find it frustrating because I can't just stick my head in the sand or have DADT.

As for not feeling important - that is a big issue for me as well. When he leaves me to go out with her - I do feel abandoned, not wanted, unimportant, unneeded. It is a struggle for me everytime. Overnights are the worst!

I have extremely low self esteem, depression, anxiety, fear . . . and I know that most of my issues come from that. I'm working on it.

2Rings has done everything he can think of to make me feel loved, wanted, needed - but I still have jealousy, fear, anger, resentment. It makes him very frustrated. I wish I had an On/Off switch for my mind - it would make this a lot easier!

Thanks LMBL, LR and Sage - you guys are really forcing me to think. And Sage - I understand what you said about not liking the word "hate" used on here - but I do agree with Mono. I can't recall ever feeling this strong negative feeling about anyone ever in my life. 2Rings and I had sex with another couple - and I loved watching them have sex. So it's not the sex part. In a way it is how a spouse whose been cheated on would feel. I hate that he fell in love with MG. I hate that things have changed. I hate that she's in his life. I hate that I feel hate. Trust me - I want to let it go.
 
KatTails said:
I find her hair in our truck, on his clothes, in the laundry, in our tent and sleeping bag.
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I zeroed in on this because... this is just gross to me. I have an aversion to head-hair when it's off the head it grew from... even my own. If I were in your place, I'd say something about this and if it didn't stop we'd have a problem, a BIG FAT FUCKING PROBLEM. I can't even stand the loose hair off of people I LIKE and have NO ISSUES with. Forget about it if it came from someone I don't like or do have issues with. You should NOT have to deal with this in your own home. Just because your husband loves his girlfriend and she loves him does NOT mean you have to be OK with picking her hair out of your laundry and camping equipment.

Just... ugh. >puke<
 
I gucess Kat, my question is more that you feel she has to be included in your family life. Is that still the case, do you get any regard in that manner. I know it is hard as you have opposite sch. I think, perhaps concentrating on getting your emotional needs met and meeting his might be a good focus.

Do you feel that you can set boundaries and have them respected? Is there a safe person you can go to in this? You have a conflict with him, he cannot be your best friend in this. I remember you feeling angry he defended her. You need another source or outlet other then him.

That is my feeling. I know you don't get to see each other during the week, do you get to have a time out during your personal time with him where he doesn't get text's and calls? Where the attention is all on you? You are caught up in alot of family stuff as I am with hubs. Hubs feels I have the fun time with BF. In away he is right, so it is my job to make fun time for him to.
Without my child, this is hard. I feel torn in two sometimes.

hugs,
LMBL
 
NeonKaos said:
I zeroed in on this because... this is just gross to me. I have an aversion to head-hair when it's off the head it grew from... even my own. If I were in your place, I'd say something about this and if it didn't stop we'd have a problem, a BIG FAT FUCKING PROBLEM. I can't even stand the loose hair off of people I LIKE and have NO ISSUES with. Forget about it if it came from someone I don't like or do have issues with. You should NOT have to deal with this in your own home. Just because your husband loves his girlfriend and she loves him does NOT mean you have to be OK with picking her hair out of your laundry and camping equipment.

Just... ugh. >puke<
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First of all... really NK? Not necessary.
It is not YOUR truck KT. It is his, you have your own vehicle. Not that you don't own it as a couple but it is his vehicle. You use it yes during family outtings etc but please don't make this an issue. I cannot help it if there is DNA after I leave, stop looking for it CSI. And this is just nitpicking. I have NEVER been in your tent so I have no idea whose hair that is. I have NEVER been camping with him or you. As far as the laundry...seriously, we are talking about laundry and hair? There is something to focus on.
I am not going to further comment on this thread, so if anyone has any question about how I feel on any of this you know how to contact me. I would ask you KT to not comment on my husband and his knowledge and concerns since YOU have chosen not to know him nor do you EVER ask me or 2Rings about my family. You have no personal knowledge so TRY and refrain from commenting on it.
 
Neon and LMBL - I am going to PM you both my responses to your posts because I know I will be criticized by 2Rings and MG for what I am going to say and I want to avoid that drama.

If anyone else wants to know what I have to say - I'll PM you too!

LMBL - I can a say this: they both want to be a part of each others lives as much as possible. She wants to meet his friends and family (first as a "friend" then eventually as his g/f.) He won't tell anyone about her until he can confidentally say that I am 100% accepting of her. Her husband does not want to meet 2Rings at all (he has but doesn't know it.). She has told some of her friends but I don't know if he's met any of them. This is my family and I do have a say in who they meet. Our kids have met MG but our 12 year old daughter doesn't like her (she's suspicious.)
 
Morningglory629 said:
First of all... really NK? Not necessary.
It is not YOUR truck KT. It is his, you have your own vehicle. Not that you don't own it as a couple but it is his vehicle. You use it yes during family outtings etc but please don't make this an issue. I cannot help it if there is DNA after I leave, stop looking for it CSI. And this is just nitpicking. I have NEVER been in your tent so I have no idea whose hair that is. I have NEVER been camping with him or you. As far as the laundry...seriously, we are talking about laundry and hair? There is something to focus on.
I am not going to further comment on this thread, so if anyone has any question about how I feel on any of this you know how to contact me. I would ask you KT to not comment on my husband and his knowledge and concerns since YOU have chosen not to know him nor do you EVER ask me or 2Rings about my family. You have no personal knowledge so TRY and refrain from commenting on it.
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To anyone who wonders why I hate her - her disrespect for me, our marriage and our family is why. I have SO much more to say - but I don't have time right now. And they say I'm a drama queen?!?
 
NeonKaos said:
I have an aversion to head-hair when it's off the head it grew from... even my own. <
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I've got that too! Animal hair doesn't bother me though ironically..I can pick it off food and keep eating. If a persons hair is on my food I get almost ill.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I've got that too! Animal hair doesn't bother me though ironically..I can pick it off food and keep eating. If a persons hair is on my food I get almost ill.
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Animal hair doesn't bother me either. Just human head-hair. Maybe it because I like cats better than I like people... XD
 
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