Just their existence is aggravating me right now! LOL.
I am having a bad day today. I have noticed that since my return from Iraq in 2009, sometimes I just have down days where I am just so weary and sad. I think they call it depression! I am feeling like that today. Because I have a history of this, I don't think my wife or Jeff or anything else has overtly triggered it, it just happens sometimes. Jeff being here certainly doesn't help but I don't think it is the cause. Its a bury my head in the sand sort of day. That's a shame because it is beautiful outside and it would be a great day to work in the yard but it would take a Herculean effort to even get me out of bed today.
As I often do, I will share a smeedge of insight from my own experience on this. I don't know that I ~have~ depression, as in experiencing it often enough to call it a particular disorder of mine, but I do know that at times in my life (and sometimes with no good reason) I get into a depressive state. I call it "being in the well." After the last big struggle with it, I decided to try and use my self-awareness powers to fight back.
Description of me "in the well":
I sleep too much. Don't feel any particular motivation, and feel like there isn't much point to doing anything. Even when it comes to doing stuff for my kids, I justify avoidance by saying things to myself like, "They don't really even love me...they just need me and use me. They can feed themselves for a change." I lie in bed and if I'm not sleeping way too much, I am curled up either in a mentally blank state, or telling myself horrible things that drive me further and further down. I cry until my head hurts. I don't eat. Eventually I start thinking about ending my own life...just having fantasies about the act itself. During these times, if I have to go out, say to work or something, I don't talk to people. I'm very, very quiet.
Getting out of the well, getting out of bed, getting back to life, is HARD. I've never had anyone help pull me out, I've always had to do it alone, and it is brutally difficult.
Things that make it worse: Social isolation, not eating, smoking too many cigarettes, habitual use of marijuana (I know because I had much more of this as a teenager when I had a habit, and I see other habitual users fall into these patterns more easily.)
Things that help me avoid it: Knowing that it's possible and making a conscious choice not to do that. Not sleeping at weird times or too much. Forcing myself to go about routines. Journaling. Talking to others. Exercise. Making myself accomplish tasks large or small even if I don't want to. Playing uplifting music. Making sure that I eat enough.
When my friend and the singer of GWAR, Dave Brockie, died in spring of 2014, I made the conscious choice to stay out of the well. I was sad, yes, heartbroken. I cried a lot, and I had actual physical pain in my chest and stomach for about 3 months more or less. I had to hold in my grief until I was able to gather with others who loved him and let it out. But I went to work every day even though my coworkers and supervisor told me I shouldn't be there, that I was clearly a mess and deserved some time off. I explained to them that if I didn't come to work, I'd curl up in bed and have a hard time getting out. I made myself take care of myself. I stopped listening to GWAR and related side projects because I couldn't listen to Dave's voice...instead I picked up a bunch of rambunctious big jazz band stuff and some silly 80's "geek pop" (Peter Gabriel, Talking Heads, Men at Work and Men Without Hats. Ridiculous stuff.) I spent time with my sons. I talked to people...lots and lots of people. I went out with friends even though I didn't especially feel like it. I saw the danger in shutting myself in a dark place and I chose to avoid that.
Honestly, whenever I've gone "down the well" I've felt that there was something self indulgent about my wallow in misery. How is self-harm, self indulgent? I'm not sure. But I felt like I was sort of childishly demanding that others prove they cared about me by insisting on wallowing until they came and helped me out...only no one ever did. Fact is, if someone doesn't really care about you, doing this will drive them away because it feels manipulative and petty. Often enough, you're reaching out to what is already a messed up relationship with this kind of thing, and it just doesn't really help. And by the time you're all the way in there, even if they did try to help you, it feels like getting a hug because you asked for one. It's a bit hollow. The only solution I've ever found, is to first fake it till you make it...do what you need to do even if you're only going through the motions...that will get you basically out until you can sit on the edge and think clearly. Then, once you're there, you have to build a belief that you are in fact deserving of your own care. Spend time with people who validate you and build you up, and less with those who break you down. Write that message to yourself again and again and again until you really believe it. You're awesome. You're a great person. You deserve better than a wallow in the well, and it's up to you to give yourself better than that. No one else can do it. You've got to become more than just your own advocate...you've got to become your own savior.
You can't do that when you're in the well. First you have to climb out.
Eat. Shower. Put on clean clothes. Go outside. Stop thinking words at yourself and just go do some stuff. Keep doing stuff until the darkness recedes. And if talking to somebody would help, let me know. As Red Green says, "I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together."
