Looking for amk

T

Tryinghard

New member
Hi all, this is my first ever attempt at reaching out online so please bare with me. I am no shakespeare when it comes to writting, spelling or grammar and normally dont communicate futher than a phone call, but here i am.

Im 43 year old husband and father, have been in what i thought was a monogamous relationship for over a decade and have just been informed by my wife that she has not for the past year but still loves me as #1 and now wants an open marriage.

So Bam right between the eyes for me!

I have been googling my situation nonstop for 2 weeks trying to wrap my head around my current situation. I am fearful, apprehensive, cautious but trying so hard to prepare myself for the possibility.

I am a total roller coaster of emotional chaos. I owe it to myself my wife and my family to give it everything ive got. To leave nothing unturned on this completely new way of thinking (at least to me)

It was not until i started wondering if there were people out there in my shoes that i could speak with that i came across your site.

once i did i had full intentions of telling my story and hopefully getting feed back to others with an open mind and who have been through this.

Turns out someone totally beat me to it and it was me even though i never touched a keyboard. I read this post from quite a few years ago anitall i could keep saying is this is me. He wrote exactly what i am going through. Even his personality and way of rationalizing was mindblowingly me!

Though a much better writer.

Like i said before i am brand new at ever going to an online site so i dont know if it is poor edict to repost threads or ask what im about to ask.

This is the post that profoundly summed up everything.

Wife wants Open Marriage

Let me start by saying that I am here to educate myself and hopefully gain an understanding of what my wife is interested in and why she is. I am a 33 year old male and have been married to my high school sweetheart for 12 years. Early this year (2012), she approached me and told me that she...
polyamory.com

I am hoping to communicate with user amk

I have no idea if this is a possibility nor do i have any clue on how to go about accomplishing this.

Can anyone help me out?
 
Welcome.

Not sure if amk is around. But to send them a message, go to that post. Then you could click on their name in blue under the circle icon. In the pop up menu, click START CONVERSATION button, and send them your message to see if they write back.


Im 43 year old husband and father, have been in what i thought was a monogamous relationship for over a decade and have just been informed by my wife that she has not for the past year but still loves me as #1 and now wants an open marriage.
Click to expand...

Your wife informed you that she has not what for the past year?

I am not clear on that part.

Galagirl
 
Hello Tryinghard,

It looks like amk was last active on this forum in 2013, so I'm doubtful that you'll be able to reach him from here, however there's no reason you can't try. In the meantime, here's a few other links to resources that might help:
Also I recommend that you keep posting on this thread, and let us know as new thoughts, questions, and concerns arise for you. It may also help if you take a few days to gather a list of your thoughts and feelings about open/poly, print it up, and share it with your wife. Just a thought I had after looking over amk's thread; thanks for providing a link to that.

I hope we can help you get through this difficult time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for clarifying. What you meant is this...

Im 43 year old husband and father, have been in what i thought was a monogamous relationship for over a decade and have just been informed by my wife that she has not been faithful for the past year but still loves me as #1 and now wants an open marriage.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry to hear you wife was cheating on agreements. :(

It's not a great way to approach open marriage -- from a cheating start.

I am a total roller coaster of emotional chaos. I owe it to myself my wife and my family to give it everything ive got. To leave nothing unturned on this completely new way of thinking (at least to me)
Click to expand...

Understandable to feel roller coaster of emotion. I can only imagine how you might feel after learning this.

Polyamory isn't magic -- one could cheat on their poly agreements as well.

www.polyfor.us

Yes, You Can Cheat When You're Poly — Polyamory For Us - Sharing What We've Learned

When people think of the word "cheating", they instantly assume that a person is having sex with someone that is not their partner. In fact, many people assume that polyamory is just a nice name for cheating. This couldn't be further from the truth. Polyamory is, in short, consensual ,
www.polyfor.us www.polyfor.us

I will gently suggest that you and wife work on marriage repair first before thinking about poly if you plan on staying together.

After that? You could do some general reading if you wanted to.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

Subpages - kathylabriola.com

To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

But if after learning about it and thinking about it you find that poly is not for you? You prefer monogamy? Or that you are thinking about doing it even though not really into it just to hang on to wife?

Be careful you don't compound her mistake (cheating) by piling on more mistakes (doing stuff you really don't want to be doing.)

Take the time to process and heal first before deciding where you land on the poly thing. That would be my suggestion. Slow things down. Do some soul searching.

Galagirl
 
Thank you for your reply.

I am 2 weeks in and trying to wrap my head around the possibility. I have flip flopped more than a fish out of water on this subject because that is exactly what i am at the moment.

If i can get there as opposed to ripping apart my family i am willing to take every step required to make it work.

I want to make it work. I adore my wife still. As long as she is willing to give me 100% honestly, truth And a boat load of support, patience and understanding I will also give it my all. If in the end i cant wrap my head around it we both have already agreed its worth the effort.

Right now i cant tell you what i am. All i know is that i am learning and evolving daily in this area.

Thats not to say its a linear path at all. More like a roller coaster.
 
The stages of emotional change are exactly that. Roller coaster-y.

And you are not riding one roller coaster. But two -- processing her cheating affair and processing her request for open marriage.

There is a visual aid in the middle of this page.

Transitions: managing personal and organizational change

Article describing the transition process, its effects on our work & personal and implications for managers.
www.eoslifework.co.uk

It's not aways a straight path for people either -- there can be some loop-de-loos.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Thank you for clarifying. What you meant is this...



I'm so sorry to hear you wife was cheating on agreements. :(

It's not a great way to approach open marriage -- from a cheating start.



Understandable to feel roller coaster of emotion. I can only imagine how you might feel after learning this.

Polyamory isn't magic -- one could cheat on their poly agreements as well.

www.polyfor.us

Yes, You Can Cheat When You're Poly — Polyamory For Us - Sharing What We've Learned

When people think of the word "cheating", they instantly assume that a person is having sex with someone that is not their partner. In fact, many people assume that polyamory is just a nice name for cheating. This couldn't be further from the truth. Polyamory is, in short, consensual ,
www.polyfor.us www.polyfor.us

I will gently suggest that you and wife work on marriage repair first before thinking about poly if you plan on staying together.

After that? You could do some general reading if you wanted to.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

Subpages - kathylabriola.com

To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

But if after learning about it and thinking about it you find that poly is not for you? You prefer monogamy? Or that you are thinking about doing it even though not really into it just to hang on to wife?

Be careful you don't compound her mistake (cheating) by piling on more mistakes (doing stuff you really don't want to be doing.)

Take the time to process and heal first before deciding where you land on the poly thing. That would be my suggestion. Slow things down. Do some soul searching.

Galagirl
Click to expand...


Thank you, my dear lady for your links. I did not have a a couple and I think they will broaden my horizons a bit better. :)
 
I have forgiven my wife for everything that has happened in the past. It still hurts when i go there but then i try to tell myself this realationship started with a clean slate after it came out and more importantly after she let me back in with brutal honesty. As backwards as this sounds, truth with all of the past and even me struggling with the path going forward makes me closer to her as long as theres complete transparency.

I read a ton of info between this thread and members private messaging.

Thanks all for that.

There is one issue that im stuck on now that i havent come across yet though is mutual understandings going forward. "Rules" as some refer to.

How do you go about that when some have been crossed for so long that to her they seem extremly insignificant and already out there.

I dont want to list all of my "hell no's" here but am willing to give one example.

No nudes with face attached.

What i mean is were obviously not starting from scratch here on this topic nor do even know what rules are healthy or even if we should be going there yet
 
Hi and welcome to the forum

I would strongly suggest you wife read up on how to transition to poly as well Because as you may have read or figured out in this process the old marriage is gone and a new relationship along with this new relationship structure is going to be built in its place. That said extensive conversations on the structure, logistics, the what if’s, and the list of Hell no’s need to be hammered out. AND possibly reviewed a short time later just to make sure everyone is on the same page and people heard exactly what you wanted to convey.

Someone is going to follow me and explain the semantics or rules and boundaries I get you question so I’ll answer it this way. The more rule or boundaries you need to compartmentalize this to allow this to happen the more you might need to re-examine the damage to whatever core belief you had. I think limiting those health and getting pregnant and social and professional concerns. Such ask testing and condoms, birth control and concerns about being out that could impact income and social network. Other such things you request for yourself. Example upon returning home late from a date please sleep in the guest room I don’t want the possible interruption of sleep with awkward conversation , etc etc.( we just had this conversation in another thread which is why I thought of it ). This also helps train everyone that sleeping alone is going to happen and to get use to it.
 
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That type of rule you give as an example is one that is aiming to define what she can't do with someone else. As Dinged wrote, what is your core belief at the basis of such a rule? While I could guess, I might be wrong, and there could be no point picking at one rule at a time when you could do some en masse. So, try this as an exercise to examine your current wish list of rules. Get out a piece of paper, put a line down the middle. On one half, list all the rules that would be directly related to how she interacts with you (e.g. brush your teeth after a date before you see me again) and on the other side, all the rules directly related to how she interacts with another (e.g. do not send nudes with your face in them).

What do you notice in these? Are there any themes emerging that you could connect back to one core belief?

It's easier to respect/follow someone's rules when the foundation for them is understood rather than them seeming like a rather arbitrary and perhaps long list. Furthermore, even you probably can't list everything that would cause you discomfort, so if the core belief is understood by both of you, then you can come to agreements about how not to hurt you at that level.
 
Great advice.

The core beliefs are easy for me and her. Breach those and its relationship re-evaluation. Stay or go. Pretty simple.

Its the smaller issues. The ones you both are of opposite opinions.

Similar to a normal couple argument.

example: im not going to that function you want me to go to and thats that.

One person is hurt, keep doing the same type things and feelings/connections will be damaged over time. The thousand cut ones.

The ones that are no doubt not worth walking away for but will be a sore spot every time repeated.

Not sure if that is a great example. But there are a lot of these type of small disagreements as to the way forward in this way of thinking.

Any thoughts?
 
Tryinghard said:
im not going to that function you want me to go to and thats that.
Click to expand...
IME, this is not a small issue. If one partner feels dragged along to functions, there's something deeply significant going on in this relationship. The questions about independence vs. duty have not been settled in this relationship. There are hurts, expectations and resentments that are not being aired. That's enormous and central.

I think Evie raises a worthwhile point. What is the theme of your rules? It's helpful to know exactly what we need rules about. Not everyone needs the same rules. There really is no such thing as a normal couple argument - they always revolve around a theme for that particular couple. What is your theme?
 
Can you expand what you mean by Theme of rules?

I thought the theme part was relationship with others though like i said before my writing could definitely be at fault for not conveying that better.

Or am i totally missing what that question entails
 
To be more specific, how much do you want to control how your wife interacts sexually and socially with potential partners? Do you trust her to act in appropriate ways? How do you define appropriate, and how does she? Do they line up?

Asking her to never send nudes to anyone, ever, with her face attached, means that you will never trust anyone not to share those pix inappropriately or even abusively (as in doxing after a breakup, or sharing amongst his friends, or on a website). However, if she's been seeing someone for a good period of time, and trusts him, what's the problem?

There could be some couple-centric thinking going on. YOU get the nude plus face pix. That will always be special for YOU, and no one else ever.

This could branch out into other areas, such as fluid bonding. YOU get to be fluid bonded with her, but no one else ever does, even after testing and knowing that the other guy is not having unprotected sex with anyone else, or is even mono with her.

Another way to look at it is "soft limits," that apply to your transition phase only, as you both get used to this new way of relating, and "hard limits" that you will always have, no matter what.

Another consideration is the social aspect. Will you and she be "out" as poly to trusted family and friends? What if someone in town sees her out at dinner with another man? Will that cause issues with your families or at work?
 
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This is exactly what I'm looking for. Because I have no idea what how to answer these questions yet, nor have I thought about a lot of the points you just brought up.

And I mean none.

I don't know what to do. I was hoping for a rule book so to speak of how this should look and have realized that there is none. Every thing I've researched and with the help of everyone on this forum has made it abundantly clear that there is no right way. Every relationship is different in pretty much every aspect. Every relationship has to find happiness in there extremely own way.

I guess I have a better understanding of how others have accomplished this but have no idea what our path may or should look like.

I wished it were easier, i wished I could answer questions like the ones mentioned above. I so want this to work for both of us. But I truly have not thought about most of the questions that have been brought up, there are so many that I've never even considered going into this.

And even when I do answer the way I feel, my answers and beliefs change almost daily on everything.

It is extremely helpful and I thank you all for every response, but I have zero set in stone answers for anyone including myself.
 
Tryinghard said:
This is exactly what I'm looking for. Because I have no idea what how to answer these questions yet, nor have I thought about a lot of the points you just brought up.

And I mean none.

I don't know what to do. I was hoping for a rule book so to speak of how this should look and have realized that there is none. Every thing I've researched and with the help of everyone on this forum has made it abundantly clear that there is no right way. Every relationship is different in pretty much every aspect. Every relationship has to find happiness in there extremely own way.

I guess I have a better understanding of how others have accomplished this but have no idea what our path may or should look like.

I wished it were easier, i wished I could answer questions like the ones mentioned above. I so want this to work for both of us. But I truly have not thought about most of the questions that have been brought up, there are so many that I've never even considered going into this.

And even when I do answer the way I feel, my answers and beliefs change almost daily on everything.

It is extremely helpful and I thank you all for every response, but I have zero set in stone answers for anyone including myself.
Click to expand...
No one expects you to understand the way forward yet. You're in a period of transition. Transitions are hard. You've been "poly-bombed," and that's never easy. We get plenty of people coming here who were in your shoes. Usually they start to feel a bit better after a month or two of research. Hang in there.
 
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