Looking for information / understanding

F134Medic

New member
I am an early 50’s straight male. I live in the Pacific Northwest, roughly an hour from Seattle.

I’m here looking for clarification or understanding of the lifestyle.

I have spent time reading the threads on the forums and to me it seems like both sides of the couple are involved with other people.

My question is, is there ever a time where one person of the couple does not or chooses not to or is requested not to get involved with other people.

Case in point, I was once married to a woman 20 years ago and she had mentioned before we were married that her and her former husband had swapped with another couple a couple times a month.

After we were married she asked me about sharing her with another guy sexually. I was totally naïve to anything about this idea and we had long conversations about it. Her requests were that I was not to get involved with other women as she did not want to share me. I was open minded enough to try it and honestly we had a lot of fun even though I was never involved with them when they were together.

Short story long, if I can paint a picture, I want the fairy tale. Good Lawd, this is hard to describe. I just want to be with one woman. I want the connection, communication and bond as a strong couple. Honesty, respect and loyalty and the excitement of building a future together.

But, on the flip side of it, I want to find a woman who wants to see other people just to hang out, dinner, movies, or even intimacy or whatever else.

Some days I think I am out of my flipping mind and now after reading the forum, it makes me wonder if this is the Poly lifestyle also or is it something else. I have no friends I can talk with about this idea so I am trying to fill in the blanks the best I can.
 

Evie

Mod
But, on the flip side of it, I want to find a woman who wants to see other people just to hang out, dinner, movies, or even intimacy or whatever else.
Sounds like you want someone who is completely capable of maintaining her own life and healthy friendships (or more) and not become reliant on you for every need for human connection. Great!

There are definitely couples where one person is mono by choice and the other is actively poly, but what's not cool if the poly person has a double standard and says that their partner/s can't date anyone else. It sounds like you have been through this already. I'm sorry that was your first experience of poly.

You've described the fairytale and the flipside, but in my experience, those things are mutually compatible. It's not either or. You can build a long term relationship that escalates with someone and they can still have other relationships that meet the needs of them and their other people.

We have people on this forum with multiple live in partners in one house, or with two separate houses with a partner in each house, or with no live in partners but still committed ones, or one live in partner and one or more "visiting" partners (wherever that visit happens to be - guest room or partners house or hotel or whatever). In short, communicate what you are looking for, be prepared to make some compromises but don't try and become something you're not. Sometimes someone may agree to not see other people while their partner does, but probably because they are very strongly inclined to monogamy for themselves. Sometimes, they may have the complete freedom to see other people but choose not to because it's their personal preference (I have a metamour who does this). I think it's generally kinder to let people make their own decisions (unless it is a part of a specifically negotiated relationship model that likely includes some element of kink, in which case the "imposed" restrictions would have their own level of being fulfilling).

I hope this is a little food for thought.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I don't think you are out of your mind. Not unusual. It's a part of poly life too.

It's ok to want to be an "end point" person and just choose not to exercise the option to see more people.

Like if it was a "V" and there's the hinge with two partners. And one of them wants to be an "end point" person not see anyone else but the hinge. That is their choice.

And maybe the other leg of the V does want to see other people besides the hinge. They want to be a hinge themselves. That is their choice on that side of the V. So drawn out maybe it looks like an N. Or two connected V's.

The nice thing about creating groupings is that the people get to pick how they want to be in that group. So long as people consent, they can arrange themselves however.

This article has a drawing of some models. You can see which dots are like "end points."


Maybe the visual aid helps?

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings F134Medic,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

My two companions are a man and a woman. They are married to each other. The man/husband is involved only with the woman/wife. The wife is involved both with the husband and with me. Meanwhile, I am involved only with the woman. The man and I are just friends. So you can definitely have a poly setup where one person of the couple does not or chooses not or is requested not to get involved with other people. The truth is, there are all kinds of poly configurations, the only components you need, to make it poly, are, more than two people involved, and, mutual consent. In my case, the three of us live in the same house while they sleep in the master bedroom; I sleep in my own bedroom. Neither man is involved with anyone except for the woman. It works for us.

It sounds like you want a woman who is both very involved with you, sharing goals and daily living, but who is also very independent. I might be reading that wrong, but even if I am, just about any configuration you can imagine (other than a monogamous couple of which neither person is involved with anyone else) would be valid polyamory, and Polyamory.com would be right for you. Heck, monogamists are welcome here too, you do not have to be a polyamorist to participate. But I am pretty certain that you are looking for a valid polyamorous setup. It's poly if both members of a couple are involved with others; it's poly if only one member of the couple is involved with others. Heck it can be poly even if there is no "couple" ... just a single person involved with others.

I hope this answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Polyamory isn't a lifestyle. It is a love-style, if you will. All polyamorists have lifestyles... some may be similar, and some may be wildly dissimilar. The only thing we all have in common is the agreement with our partners that it's OK to romantically and/or sexually love others, and form those relationships as we will, as long as we are respectful of each other's comfort and autonomy.

There doesn't have to be group sex.
There doesn't have to be "throuples" (gag, I hate that word).
There doesn't have to be cohabitation.
Metamours don't need to love, like or even meet each other.
There should not be couple privilege. Each member of a poly network deserves equal consideration of their desires, needs and comfort.
You need to watch out for the NRE crazies. (Infatuation can make you insane.)
Polyamory is NOT swinging. There are few quads (wife-swapping). That's hard to maintain (because:)
Relationships develop at their own pace.

Watch out for patriarchal ideas such as:
Man to woman: You can date other women, but not other men.
 

F134Medic

New member
Greetings F134Medic,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

My two companions are a man and a woman. They are married to each other. The man/husband is involved only with the woman/wife. The wife is involved both with the husband and with me. Meanwhile, I am involved only with the woman. The man and I are just friends. So you can definitely have a poly setup where one person of the couple does not or chooses not or is requested not to get involved with other people. The truth is, there are all kinds of poly configurations, the only components you need, to make it poly, are, more than two people involved, and, mutual consent. In my case, the three of us live in the same house while they sleep in the master bedroom; I sleep in my own bedroom. Neither man is involved with anyone except for the woman. It works for us.

It sounds like you want a woman who is both very involved with you, sharing goals and daily living, but who is also very independent. I might be reading that wrong, but even if I am, just about any configuration you can imagine (other than a monogamous couple of which neither person is involved with anyone else) would be valid polyamory, and Polyamory.com would be right for you. Heck, monogamists are welcome here too, you do not have to be a polyamorist to participate. But I am pretty certain that you are looking for a valid polyamorous setup. It's poly if both members of a couple are involved with others; it's poly if only one member of the couple is involved with others. Heck it can be poly even if there is no "couple" ... just a single person involved with others.

I hope this answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Yes, that's what I'm looking for. Long term stuff, growing old together, etc, etc. I have dated some but all the women so far have said they are a one guy kinda woman period. So, that ended that.

I think what you described is what I am trying to explain. The scenario I had with my ex-wife years ago was very similar other than he didn't live with us.
The three of us would go out and do things together, or would just stay home and eat meals together and watch a movie or something.
She would always sit between us and at some point would tell me that she wanted to go play for awhile and off they went.
It was just really nice that she could talk openly with me about what she wanted.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It sounds like you had a really sweet setup with your ex-wife and the other guy. I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end. It will take awhile to find another sort of situation like that, but be patient and don't give up. Keep reading and posting on this thread/forum, we will try to help as much as we can.
 
Top