Meeting in hotels-- who pays?

N

NilNil

New member
Hi all,

I am just seeking some advice on my situation. My wife's regular generally meets up with her in a hotel room for the night, which he pays for.

It’s his birthday coming up and they have decided to go spend the night in a hotel room, like they always do. However, because it was a last minute idea and it’s his birthday she feels like she should pay for all/half the room. This would be okay, but at the start of it all she said she would never pay for rooms and let him sort it out. Being single, he's more financially able to afford it, as opposed to her having four kids to deal with.

I'm kind of thinking of letting her decide what she wants to do, but am I wrong in questioning this? Thanks.
 
Would {whatever the cost of the hotel is} be a reasonable birthday present cost for ya'll, if it wasn't a hotel room? If yes, I'd call it an exception that makes sense, even if it is a little bit against the original plan the two of you had.
 
Thank you for your reply. I think the cost is far more then I’ll be willing to pay, considering she only met this now regular less then two months ago. Plus she has already decided on a birthday present, on top of paying for the room.
 
I don't think it is wrong.

Dating money has to come out of somewhere. And you still have to pay for the power, the phones and all that at home. Over here there's his allowance, my allowance, the fixed bills (ex: mortgage, car payments, things that are the same amount each month), and the flexible bills (ex: groceries, which are not always the same amount).

Whatever personal things we do come out of our personal accounts. Whether he wants to blow his on music and me on going out with my friends, neither one of us fusses about how our personal money is spent. Nobody touches the house fixed or flex bills, so the household is not bumping into problems.

It would be okay, but at the start of it all she said she would never pay for rooms and let him sort it out.
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This is different than my approach. If I were your wife, I would have been paying my half out of my personal account all along, or taking turns with the BF paying.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
That would be different than me. If I was your wife, I would have been paying my half out of my personal account all along. Or taking turns with the BF paying from my personal acct.
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I'd agree in situations where a partner has roughly the same amount of disposable income I do; OTOH if a partner can afford things I can't and wanted to treat me? Or wanted to pay for a hotel for privacy when my budget means we should come back to my place? I'm not going to say no but I'm not going to pay for half of something I can't afford.
 
Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. We are going to split it to be fair to all. Thank you.
 
I'd agree in situations where a partner has roughly the same amount of disposable income I do; OTOH if a partner can afford things I can't and wanted to treat me? Or wanted to pay for a hotel for privacy when my budget means we should come back to my place? I'm not going to say no but I'm not going to pay for half of something I can't afford.
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Sure. To me that's something to work out between the wife and her BF at that point, like, she does 30% and he does 70%, or 40%-60%, or whatever, because he makes more.

The point is that the wife's/husband's home bills aren't messed up because she's spending money that needs to go to bills in her dating her bf space, instead of paying the bills first. That's not right, especially when there are also kids to care for.

So OrangePants333, talk to your wife about how you all want to handle your money. You sound like you are fine with your wife dating, you just don't want her dating activities dinging the house bills/kid bills.

Galagirl
 
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It actually seems rude for your wife to make her boyfriend pay for the hotel every time. It's not his problem or his fault that you have four kids.

But, if you and your wife are overwhelmed with four kids and household bills, maybe now is not a good time for poly dating to be happening at all. Are you unhappy with the poly arrangement? Was it more your wife's idea than yours? Would you feel exactly the same if she wanted the same amount of money for a hotel room for a girls' night out with her platonic friends?

If the problem is really just the money, does your wife have any of her own "fun money" or personal money that she can use without dipping into the household money?
 
Since they been seeing each other, he has just paid for the rooms. It hasn’t been a big deal. He was the one to offer to do this. My wife was just feeling bad that he does pay for it all, and now wants to contribute. We all worked it out. I just wanted to see what the community thought about it.

We have always had the notion that if we wanted to see others, we could. But because of my ongoing health issues, it was more likely that she would go and explore. I was the one who encouraged her to find a bf, as my kidney issues have always affected my performance. So I am perfectly happy with the arrangement we have.
 
Bit off topic but are there any apps or recommend sites in finding new partners? Wife’s been using tinder for awhile now but wants to see if there are specific poly apps.
thanks
 
Hi OrangePants,

There is a specifically poly dating site at http://www.polymatchmaker.com/ ... and https://www.okcupid.com/ is poly-friendly and has a lot more activity. I don't know if these sites have phone apps, but they might.

It sounds like you worked out the question of hotel costs. Like she will pay half for the room plus get him a birthday gift. That sounds reasonable.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, Kevin. Yeah, we worked it all out. Thanks to everyone for pitching in their thoughts. It really helped.

Being so new to this, it’s great to find a place to openly talk to like-minded people. I'll take a look at the sites. Much appreciated. Thanks.
 
No prob; I'm glad to help.
 
While it appears I’m late to this thread, and it sounds like the issue was resolved and settled, I have two different thoughts on this that might help others facing these circumstances.

If one had to put a cost or price on the op’s wife's outside sex life, dollar/cost averaging could be helpful. Total up the number of encounters, or better yet, the number of orgasms, divided by this one time hotel cost.

The debate on paying a fair share: it might be he finds this "arrangement" cheaper and safer, with little or less risk of serious entanglement, which makes it worth it to him. ”Dating“ dating can be expensive and with mixed end results. Hookers or escorts have varying costs and since most locals here in the USA are illegal, he’d run the risk of being caught up in a vice sting.
 
You have gone too far, dingedheart. Your crappy replies to so many threads are wearisome most of the time, but this level of disparaging OP's or OPs wife's agreements is simply out of line. You are not funny. You are not clever. And I'm sure that I'm not alone in saying you are not welcome to post this nonsense here.
 
Evie said:
You have gone too far, dingedheart. Your crappy replies to so many threads are wearisome most of the time, but this level of disparaging OP's or OPs wife's agreements is simply out of line. You are not funny. You are not clever. And I'm sure that I'm not alone in saying you are not welcome to post this nonsense here.
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Wow! I'm more than a little surprised by your comment. o_O First of all, I didn't intentionally try to disparage the OP or his wife's agreement, because I don’t have any issues with any of the agreements, as little as we know of them. It seems from what was posted that the op was told In the beginning, or expressed his concern on the cost of hotel overnight dates, and the ”agreement“ was forged from that.

I'm quite sure that YOU, of all people, know the direct and hidden costs of having multiple romantic relationships, i.e., poly. And in several months, or whatever it is, for the OP and his wife, they too are becoming more aware of those costs. I wasn't trying to be clever or funny, but trying to give the OP an alternative view on how to frame it in his mind.

A few years back, my wife and I thought that buying a big boat (not crazy, but 35 ft, cuddly) to scoot around on Lake Michigan would be fun, and it was. Back then, the waiting list for slips was 2-3 years long, which meant you had to know (bribe) someone, which could be as much or double the slip price. OK, you pay the $5000.00 for the season. You've got a good-size camper on the water with twin Merc engines that love to burn gas. A tank of marine-blend gas is $300.00.

When I first got the boat, I was on it/working on/fixing/improving on it all the time. The kids were little and we did sleepovers on it and weekend cruises all the time. Then the kids got older and started playing soccer and the novelty wore off a little. It ended up we went on the boat 5-8 times a season.

The dollar cost average on that ended up being somewhere in the $1500-2500 a trip range. It was a wasted asset sitting in the water, wasting faster than most things. My point is, in the first few years, the number of hours of collective enjoyment on the boat in the water brought those costs down, inline with having a summer home or taking a vacation.

But then, if you started adding up all costs: winter storage, sling lift/crane haul out, winterizing, shrinkwrap or inside storage, insurance, marine maintenance, etc., etc., etc... I remember the little refrigerator going out on it. $1000.00 bucks. Poof. Gone. You better not care about the money, or have a clever way of writing it off, or use the hell out of it. Those are the choices.

As for my other point, the guy being happy with paying the hotel tab, I employ several young single men who are buff and good-looking. (They are firefighters when they're not working for me.) Fortunately (or unfortunately) they and their buddies use the Tinder dating site and they have shared their personal stories and philosophies over a few beers. So my comment wasn’t something I made up to be cute or clever. It is REAL stuff in the real world.

P.S. You inspire me to post more, not less. 😘
 
dingedheart said:
If one had to put a cost or price on the OP's wife's outside sex life, dollar-cost averaging could be helpful. Total up the number of encounters, or better yet, the number of orgasms, and divide that by this one-time hotel cost.

It might be he finds this arrangement cheaper and safer, with little or less risk of serious entanglement, which makes it worth it to him. ”Dating“ dating can be expensive and have mixed end results. Hookers or escorts have varying costs, and most locals here in the USA are illegal, and he’d run the risk of being caught up in a vice sting.
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The insult is, you are assuming Orangepant's wife's bf is only in this for sex. You suggest he would be so crass as to average out his cost per orgasm, or to compare the cost of his dates with his gf to the expense of fucking a prostitute. Don't you see how gross this is?

This is a board for polyAMORY. It's not about deciding between casual hookups as opposed to paying for the services of sex workers.

And your boat analogy was long-winded and unnecessary.
 
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Magdlyn said:
The insult is, you are assuming Orangepant's wife's bf is only in this for sex. You suggest he would be so crass as to average out his cost per orgasm, or to compare the cost of his dates with his gf to the expense of fucking a prostitute. Don't you see how gross this is?

This is a board for polyAMORY. It's not about deciding between casual hookups as opposed to paying for the services of sex workers.

And your boat analogy was long-winded and unnecessary.
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Sorry, but no. My original idea and post was only concerning Orangepants' wife's “happiness/enjoyment," the limited one-time cost, and spreading that cost across many encounters or many orgasms. Depending on the situation or activity level, it could end up being as little as a Starbucks coffee to the general Orangepants fund. From the details provided, it was implied that upon them embarking down this road, their finances were either very commingled or coming out of his earnings. Thus, the main argument put forth was to divide the general pool of funds into 3 separate accounts, to create a mental bridge, to remove the idea that the household money was going for her sexual gratification. My idea was to just admit or embrace the sex part.

Paying a one-time hotel bill, or 1/2, is a small price spread over a long-time horizon. In essence. Orangepants isn’t providing money for one night of pleasure, but lots and lots and lots pleasure and memories spread across whatever time line. Is that really a bad way to look at this?

Second point: another hard fact or truth. There are reasons for wanting to actively date married women, either from a cheating prospective and/or a poly prospective. And unfortunately, it’s not always about love and respect. The young men I mentioned in my prior post find it fun to frequent bars that seem to attract older women on girls' nights out, who are divorced or don't have a problem with cheating on their husbands or BFs.

My point was a counter-argument to the suggestion/disparaging comment that the OP‘s wife was freeloading off her bf.

I myself have opted for married poly women because I was not interested in the relationship escalator of marriage. And I wasn't saying or assuming that the bf was doing any specific calculations, just that whatever math he did in his head must've made sense or was worth it to him, otherwise he wouldn’t be doing it.

How's this for a short-winded example? Bf works for his father and has a corporate credit card that nobody questions. He’s secretly very wealthy and only dates married poly women, so as to not get burned in divorce court, like his two older brothers.

P.S. Thank you for the critique on the boat analogy. Give my love to pixi. :)
 
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I appreciate all the comments and opinions. I'm not offended at all by the comments. I like hearing many different opinions. That’s why I joined, to get different ideas and takes on a situation. Once again, thank you all. The situation has been fixed and all members are happy.
 
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