I just didn't like that she had this huge hate-on for me for just existing. It's... ridiculous.
So I stepped back. But it's not much better. It's gotten more ridiculous. I don't need to be pals. I just want a level of peace, mostly for our hinge.
YOU can have peace. Just ignore/do not deal with Meta. And if hinge starts talking about Meta, tell him to stop, because you are not up for hearing about it. You are not the one picking out Meta and dating Meta.
Now if Pisces is starting to be a drag? YOU are picking him out. And if he's such a drag, stop picking him and end it.
I do think he is coddling her in some ways that I don't agree with-- not RSVPing to things that he might be going to with me, in case she sees it and is triggered. Hm. I don't say anything about it though. That's on him.
I don't know what that exactly means. It sounds like maybe you are all on a shared calendar tool. But it is his choice not to RSVP on the tool, because he wants to avoid her making a scene at him. Maybe you could stop using this shared tool. You just ask him out on dates and he replies verbally, or over email, or whatever.
If he keeps on not being responsive enough/dating you enough, a consequence of his behavior might be you losing interest in him because you have grown tired of the sloppy hinge stuff.
As to her new boundary, yes, he had to tell me about it. Here are the details on that:
Explain to me why he had to tell you about it. If her personal boundary is: "I won't let myself be in the same room as West" then it is on her to enforce, isn't it? You don't have to lift a finger. You don't control where her body is.
I think that is where you could have told him, "No, thanks. I'm not dating Meta. I don't have to respect her boundaries. I'm not going to be an asshole to her, but I don't need to do anything about her boundaries, because those belong to her and it's on her to enforce them. If she doesn't want to be in the same room as me, that's okay. She can do something about that."
She can leave the room.
As I mentioned in another thread, they live on the mainland (separately), and I live across on an island. We all are part of the local kink/BDSM communities and attend events, parties, workshops, etc. Where this new 'boundary' of hers came up-- she is being territorial about me coming over to the mainland (to see Pisces) and wanting to attend various events/workshops there, as I haven't really had the chance to before, usually having nowhere to stay. I do now, when I see him, and we can attend things. He will also attend events here with me, as I regularly attend kink things here in my city.
You can attend whatever public kink events you want. You are a member of the public.
If she has issues with kinking in the same space, and asks to take turns, that is fair. If you feel like obliging, take turns going to Mainland Kink Club. She takes the events in the odd months and you do the even months. Next year it can swap. Offer something reasonable.
You're dating Pisces, so you are going to see him. That part she just has to accept and get over it. She can ask Pisces NOT to tell her when his dates with you are, or she can stop dating Pisces. This is poly. Why is it a surprise that Pisces is dating other people than her?
She seemed to think that this area was mine, and that I wouldn't like her to come here to check them out. I never said that.
So she jumped to conclusions.
All I said was that if she or they were going to go, to just to let me know, and I would choose whether I'd attend or not.
And that is reasonable.
She knows I'll likely attend the odd dungeon party there with him, as she does with him at other times. But this particular workshop in mid-February was one I really wanted to attend, as I had to miss the first version in December. (I couldn't make it over, and he and she went to that one.) At first, Pisces agreed when I said I wanted to go with him. Then this past weekend he told me that she was upset that we wanted to go, as she wanted to go, and that's when the boundary came out around her refusing to be in the same room (the workshop space) with me, and that if I attended, she wouldn't.
So basically, Pisces accepted a kink date with you, but then she had some kind of meltdown, and instead of dealing with it himself, on that side of the V, he brought you his drama and then backed out of the date/stood you up.
This left you free to attend on your own. But then Pisces doesn't want you to live your life on your own, either. How do you feel about that?
Pisces then said he couldn't go with me, and requested that I consider not going. He said he couldn't stop me, but that I would be going without him, and if I did go, he would let her know, so she wouldn't go.
Explain to me why he could not hold the line, that you would be going, because you asked him out. He accepted the date, so he is going too.
He sees she's disappointed/upset that she can't go, if she's going to honor her personal boundary. He can offer a hug; he can offer a different day where they can have a separate kink date. But for this one, he'd already set his plans. So they stand as is.
He doesn't act mean; he just states the plain poly reality. He's dating more than one person. He goes places on these dates. He could skip all this extra stuff. Why is he not able to skip it, or at least keep it on THAT side of the V and not bother you with it?
Sigh. So I said that I would give this particular one up. But I also said that I was only giving her (and him) this one time, and that I am not okay with sacrificing my kink learning/exploring (and attending things on the mainland) for her discomfort. After this one time, if it works for my schedule, I may attend things in that area sometimes, and she can decide what she will do from there. As you say, I'm not going to shrink my life for her.
Does this makes sense now, about her and the territorial around her 'area' and events?
If this is what you plan to do, one time, and that's it, I hope you stick with it as far as attending Mainland Kink Club.
What's your plan to deal with Pisces behaving like a sloppy hinge and bringing you drama rather than dealing with (Pisces + Meta) things on his own on THAT side of the V himself?
I could be wrong here. But it seems like you complain that he coddles her, but then you coddle him.
When do you put your foot down? This has been going on for a while now.
Parallel poly is one thing. This estranged parallel is not sustainable, and is a bloody PITA.
I think it is because you have a sloppy hinge who dumps stuff on you from the other side of the V.
Since you see it is not sustainable, do you have a time frame in mind? If Pisces doesn't do something about his sloppy hinge stuff by ____, you will drop him, because you are tired of this.
Up above, where I said I had a meta who was terrified of me just because I existed, when I told the hinge I'd changed my mind and wanted parallel poly, he held the line. I never had to hear a thing about her until he told me they broke up later on. I told him I was sorry to hear that. He said thanks, he'd cope. And that was it. We both had good emotional boundaries in place.
Here, you have a sloppy hinge. Meta can be upset or disappointed or whatever, but the hinge sharing that with you is not appropriate. He's betraying her confidence and also burdening you with stuff that is NOT your responsibility to manage.
So basically it's the same ol' song, different day, just this time, it's framed around attending kink events. But it's still Pisces oversharing stuff from the other side of the V with you and bugging you with it.
Galagirl
