Mono falling for poly guy

M

MissCariss

New member
Hi All!

I’m only learning about poly relationships now, since meeting a poly guy on Bumble. We connected online after mutual physical attraction and had good vibes happening through chat for a couple of weeks before meeting irl. I was genuinely excited about our first date.

When we met, the chemistry and sexual energy between us was palpable. Neither of us wanted to end our date, so we hopped from one closing venue to the next one open, until the only option left was going home together. We ended up in my bed. It was amazing. I felt drugged. The sexual and emotional connection was strong for both of us. The next day, he was all I could think about.

He regularly travels for work, so while he was away we texted, chatted intensely-- for 9 hours one night when he revealed he was poly. I was shocked because he’d never mentioned it before meeting or during our date. He wasn’t upfront before sleeping with me. I was getting feels so was devastated upon receiving this info.

I messaged him the next day to announce I’d be cooling off, with some distance, so I could process the situation. I literally sobbed after sending the message. I managed to stay away all of 24 hours, after bargaining with myself and researching all I could about poly.

I decided to continue seeing him and now the connection has deepened. I’m really falling hard, and feel anxious, confused and angry he didn’t tell me right from the start. I know it’s not an ideal start, but in the poly world, is that a massive red flag?

He’s currently unattached and doing a relationship reset. Do we have a fighting chance if we’re honest about our needs, wants and expectations? Anyone else been in this situation?

Thanks
 
Ummm... it's hard to say whether it's a red flag. I think it would depend on why he didn't mention it.

On one hand, I think it is best to be upfront about being poly and planning for any relationship to be polyamorous. I definitely think you have a moral obligation to disclose if you are partnered. (It seems like he is single.) I think it's best to be upfront, but I'm not comfortable with saying you have to be.

The reason I'm saying this is because that assumes that every date we have is an invitation for a long-term life-partner type relationship, so you should tell every date exactly what your needs are in a fully-committed relationship. I don't agree with that. I don't agree when someone says people who date should be open for "full partnership," or they're wasting people's time/being exploitative.

I think the guy told you early enough for it to be ethical, even if it isn't the way I'd do things. And that's something to bear in mind. I think it's best to give people enough time to process and make an informed choice through information I volunteer. How he handles this might give you some insight into how he generally tackles these issues, and you just may not be compatible with someone who takes that approach.
 
It sounds like you had an amazing date, an awesome connection with this guy...why are you so devastated by him being poly? I also agree that he told you early enough for it to be ethical (especially since he's unattached to anyone else right now). I can also assure you that if you were researching about poly for just one day, you've barely scratched the surface. Are you devastated because you were already imagining a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog with this guy? Guess what...that can happen in poly, too :) But c'mon, you've just had one awesome, sexy date and a hell of a lot of enjoyable conversation. And yet you sound like you want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

But, if you want an "out," you've got it. If it's too far off the your own value system, well, that's what dating is for. Have you ever really examined all your values and why you hold them? It's a lengthy process, and a therapist can help with that. But if you can't afford/access therapy, there are other ways to truly get to know yourself better. And perhaps that's the reason this guy has entered your world right now. After all, "an unexamined life is not worth living."
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, okay?

We ended up in my bed. It was amazing. I felt drugged. The sexual and emotional connection strong for both of us. The next day, he was all I could think about.
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You weren't actually drugged, just enjoying lots of new relationship energy, and then coping with the brain chemistry and energy from sharing really good sex, too?

Decided to continue seeing him and now the connection has deepened.
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You have only known him a few weeks. There has been lots of texting and then sharing sex on the first long date. You sound caught up in NRE. Great sex is great, but it doesn't mean you HAVE to keep dating.

When people come on strong, all hot and heavy, it might be NRE. But I'd also wonder about love bombing. I hope it isn't that.

I’m really falling hard, and feel anxious, confused and angry he didn’t tell me right from the start. I know it’s not an ideal start, but in the poly world, is that a massive red flag?
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Are you mad at him for not telling, or mad at yourself for not asking, or for assuming he was monogamous, and embarrassed/surprised he isn't?

Gently... I think it is your responsibility to ask, because YOU are responsible for your own well-being. You could not only rely on the other person telling you stuff you need to know to keep your health safe (mental, emotional, physical, etc.).

Maybe you ask something like: "Is there anything I need to know before we share sex? Would it break any agreements with others you are dating? What's your risk profile? What are your safer-sex practices?"

Even in monogamy, people sometimes date around before "going steady." So asking about safer sex protocols before you consent to share sex is for anything you might do. One must obtain/give consent.

Did you ask him anything?

He’s currently unattached and doing a relationship reset. Do we have a fighting chance if we’re honest about our needs, wants and expectations? Anyone else been in this situation?
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Solo poly people exist. Sometimes they come already partnered, or they come totally single.

In the best case scenario, to me, he's a newbie hinge and you are a monogamous person considering changing to poly. Or maybe a cautious hinge who's been burned before.

I'd rather disclose before the first IRL date, and certainly before sharing sex. But I get waiting a bit. Sometimes poly people get blown up at or slut shamed, or who knows what, just for being honest. So then they kinda side-eye the next partner to see if they will take the news well or wig out at them. You are a stranger to him too. So, to me, he disclosed early on, just not as early as I would.

But it's still a lot of jumping in undereducated. So if you are going to pursue this, educate yourself some more. Don't try to read the whole internet in a day, but think about what you want YOUR poly practice to be like. Don't rely on him to "teach you." It would be a conflict of interest for him to be your poly coach AND also date you.

Because people confuse words, ask him what he means by "polyamory." Having more than one long-term GF or BF, and people can share love and sex? Or does he actually mean ENM or casual sex or FWBs, but mixed up his words? Maybe he wants a variety of non-monogamous things-- poly AND casual sex AND swinging AND...

You are still getting to know each other.

And now you get to know yourself better also. Could do your soul searching. Would you continue exploring polyamory even if you dropped this guy, or are you only considering it now to retain dating access to him, because the sex was so good? Was he a game changer who brought you a "lightbulb moment" that there are other ways to be in relationship than what you were used to, but that's all this particular relationship is gonna be?

You don't have to answer here. But I encourage you to do your soul searching and really be sure you are pursuing this relationship in a good way, and are not just "NRE high" after an intense date + sex. Don't underestimate the brain chemistry being altered for a time, all "Wheee!" and then feeling down afterwards, like having a hangover. That's not a reason to hang on to Dude, just to get some more "Wheee!"

Think about your core values. If you really want to try this, great. Learn more about it and slow your roll some. Keep dating, but less intensely. And see other people too. Because even in poly, regular ol' dating stuff happens, like there's initial attraction, but you're not deeply compatible after all.

But if this is going too far from your core values and you are mostly tempted to go there for the NRE lalas, it might be better to let yourself enjoy having this short experience, but not go chasing for more. You choose to bow out because if he wants poly and ultimately you want monogamy, those two things are fundamentally incompatible.

There's nothing wrong with a short-term relationship, like dating til the summer, while on vacation, til graduation, til the military deployment, whatever the "short term" is that the people agree upon. But if it's going to create difficulties when it's time to part ways, or you start bending into pretzels just to try to hang on to the relationship, not staying true to your core values anymore, it's best not to go there in the first place.

Really, how you want to handle this is up to YOU. Your consent to do participate in things or not, what you will and will not put up with, that belongs to you.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for all the responses.

For clarification, the sex was amazing because of the emotional/psychological connection. I can’t have great sex without it. We’ve shared sex a couple of times now-- even better, and no doubt will get better as the emotional connection deepens. But that’s me. I haven’t met anyone I’ve felt that level of attraction to, so HE is a rarity in my world, hence my not running for the hills when I desperately wanted to!

I’ve already expressed that I don’t want a traditional relationship, in terms of living together, sharing finances or having kids (too old). I’m open, learning about myself through this process and appreciate being challenged to really think about my relationship values. If it all ends tomorrow, meeting him has been a positive, life-changing experience.

As with starting any new relationship, I’m scared.

18 months ago, I left a long-term relationship with a controlling partner who monopolised my time to the point where I even reduced my 1:1 time with our son, to give my partner even more time and attention.

I gave him all of my time, but it still wasn’t enough. As a result, I spent years feeling inadequate. When he would address this issue with me every couple of months, I would end up in tears, filled with guilt and beg him to leave me for someone who could give him what he needed. He would then respond with, “How could you say that?” And I’d be berated for that next.

These conversations were traumatising. I loved my husband enough to let him go, but he didn’t want to be let go! It just resulted in me feeling shit about myself and never enough. It was soul destroying and now I’m triggered by the idea I may not be enough again for someone I love.

How do you stop from feeling inadequate in a relationship with someone who actively seeks more than what you have to offer?

Thank you for allowing me to (over)share on here. I need to get this out without family and friends warning and advising me against the new poly guy.
 
It's generally best for poly to date poly, with that on the table from the beginning. But, let's be honest about the dating pool. It's hard to fault guys for casting a larger net and working with what they get. Especially for poly men, it can mean a LOT of effort for very slim pickings.

I guess I would ask you first where your programming about monogamy came from. Most importantly, did you CHOOSE it, or was it chosen for you by your upbringing and your culture?

You're off the map you've lived by for most of your life. Here be dragons. You don't have a clear guidebook for the situation and should definitely reach out for knowledge and wisdom. Being here is a good start, but we aren't there in the room with you. I think there's a worry that this guy could be your "mentor" for this new world, but you're also sleeping with him-- not a good thing for a mentor-mentee relationship. There's potential for abuse. You need to make sure you're a stable individual apart from him and not attaching until you know this is the lifestyle you really want.
  • Are you going to be mono while he's poly? That has its own unique challenges. If poly is hard mode, mono-poly done right makes it look easy.
  • How do you feel about the effort needed to maintain multiple relationships, both if you were doing it and the effort he has to expend to make it work?
  • How did your marriage change your opinions on all this? (I can almost guarantee it did.)
  • Are you still having a hangover from your marriage, or are you thinking clearly and ready for this?
I suggest you get that self-discovery done before he has interactions with another partner, because if you were sobbing about him revealing his sexual and romantic orientation, you're likely to struggle with this when he's with someone else.

I'd suggest giving "Off The Relationship Escalator" a read, at least the introductory sections and the first two chapters. It's a great starting point for bashing open the conditioning that tells us what we SHOULD want in our relationships. Next, I'd encourage you to consume the entirety of "Polysecure" and "Polywise". These are books that present realistic challenges and information, without being lifestyle-aggrandizing, like some of the other books on the subject. In this space, if you're holding a NYT bestseller, I'd approach with caution...

I also suggest you start thinking about counseling, both at the individual and the couple levels. It's one of the best ways to get outside support and buffer yourself against the raging fires of your new relationship energy (NRE). Try to nail down an individual therapist who is ENM-affirming... but maybe not poly-specializing... and a couple's therapist who is outright poly-focused.

And one last note: I recently came down off of what we in BDSM would call a "frenzy." It's a time where you're new to all this stuff and ready to dive in. For submissives, it can leave them open to manipulation and abuse by more experienced practitioners. I hope this guy is a real catch and will continue to put in the work, not just know which buttons to push to keep you burning for him.

EDIT:
MissCariss said:
18 months ago I left a long-term relationship with a controlling partner who monopolised my time
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You DEFINITELY need to read Polysecure, at least for the primer on insecure attachment. If you haven't looked into this aspect of relationship attachment, it could be enlightening for you... and healing for all that like-shit you felt.
 
MissCariss said:
I don’t want a traditional relationship, in terms of living together, sharing finances or having kids (too old). I’m open, learning about myself through this process and appreciate being challenged to really think about my relationship values. If it all ends tomorrow, meeting him has been a positive, life-changing experience.

As with starting any new relationship, I’m scared.

18 months ago, I left a long-term relationship with a controlling partner who monopolised my time.

I gave him all of my time, but it still wasn’t enough. As a result, I spent years feeling inadequate. When he would address this issue with me every couple of months, I would end up in tears, filled with guilt and beg him to leave me for someone who could give him what he needed. He would then respond with, “How could you say that?” And I’d be berated for that next.

These conversations were traumatising.
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He sounds needy and possibly narcissistic. What have you done to heal from the long period of feeling inadequate, berated, monopolized, neglecting your child, etc.? Have you had therapy or read resources about establishing boundaries, keeping your own emotional buckets filled, taking care of your own business and not just giving all your time to building someone else up?

How do you know you feel ready for any kind of romantic relationship? Since you were with (perhaps) an abusive guy for a long time, you should especially look out for love bombing. Narcissists are notorious for being charming, everything you ever wanted (because they mirror what you do and say), giving you tons of great sex, etc., before they devalue you and basically start treating you like shit.

I dated a narc for 2.5 years and after I realized what he was and broke up with him, I read constantly online about narcissists and their traits so I'd be ready to avoid dating anyone who showed the same tendencies.
MissCariss said:
I loved my husband enough to let him go, but he didn’t want to be let go! It just resulted in me feeling shit about myself and never enough. It was soul-destroying, and now I’m triggered by the idea I may not be enough again for someone I love.
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See, this makes me think you haven't healed or learned enough about how to establish and maintain a healthy adult relationship. You're scared, and your own thoughts and trauma are triggering to you.
MissCariss said:
How do you stop from feeling inadequate in a relationship with someone who actively seeks more than what you have to offer?
Click to expand...
You learn to respect yourself, you state your own boundaries, you enforce them, you know you are deserving of the best. If you can't give them what they demand, you leave with a clear conscience, because they were asking too much. I see you begged him to leave you, and find another doormat, but he made you do the break-up, and then after you did, continued to guilt-trip you.


MissCariss said:
Thank you for allowing me to (over)share on here. I need to get this out without family and friends warning and advising me against the new poly guy.
Click to expand...
 
EldritchDucky said:
It's generally best for poly to date poly with that on the table from the beginning. But... let's be honest about the dating pool. It's hard to fault guys for casting a larger net and working with what they get. Especially for poly men, it can mean a LOT of effort for very slim pickings.

I guess I would ask you first where your programming about monogamy came from. Most importantly, did you CHOOSE it or was it chosen for you by your upbringing and your culture?

You're off the map you've lived by for most of your life. Here be dragons. You don't have a clear guidebook for the situation and should definitely reach out for knowledge and wisdom. Being here is a good start, but we aren't there in the room with you. I think there's a worry that this guy could be your "mentor" for this new world, but you're also sleeping with him. Not a good thing for a mentor-mentee relationship. There's potential for abuse. You need to make sure you're a stable individual apart from him and not attaching until you know this is the lifestyle you really want.
  • Are you going to be mono while he's poly? That has its own unique challenges. If poly is hard mode, mono-poly done right makes it look easy.
  • How do you feel about the effort needed to maintain multiple relationships? Both if you were doing it and the effort he has to expend to make it work.
  • How did your marriage change your opinions on all this? Because I can almost guarantee it did.
  • Are you still having a hangover from your marriage, or are you thinking clearly and are ready for this?
And I suggest you get that self-discovery done before he has interactions with another partner. Because if you were sobbing about him revealing his sexual and romantic orientation, you're likely to struggle with this when he's with someone else.

I'd suggest giving "Off The Relationship Escalator" a read, at least the introductory sections and the first two chapters. It's a great starting point for bashing open the conditioning that tells us what we SHOULD want in our relationships. Next, I'd encourage you to consume the entirety of "Polysecure" and "Polywise". These are books that present realistic challenges and information, without being lifestyle aggrandizing like some of the other books on the subject. In this space, if you're holding a NYT bestseller, I'd approach with caution...

I also suggest you start thinking about counseling, both at the individual and the couple levels. It's one of the best ways to get outside support and buffer yourself against the raging fires of your New Relationship Energy. Try to nail down an individual therapist who is ENM-affirming... but maybe not poly-specializing... and a couples therapist who is outright poly-focused.

And one last note: I recently came down off of what we in BDSM would call a "frenzy". It's a time where you're new to all this stuff and ready to dive in. For submissives, it can leave them open to manipulation and abuse by more experienced practitioners. I hope this guy is a real catch and will continue to put in the work, not just know which buttons to push to keep you burning for him.

EDIT:

You DEFINITELY need to read Polysecure at least for the primer on insecure attachment. If you haven't looked into this aspect of relationship attachment, it could be enlightening for you... and healing for all that like-shit you felt.
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I’ve started examining my monogamous leanings and do believe I’m wired mono. I was dating around and as soon I met this guy, with the flick of a switch, the blinkers were on. I couldn’t see or notice any other man.

I’m fairly certain I’m not poly. I don’t want to juggle different relationships. Just the time and energy I’ve put into researching, broadening my understanding of love and relationships is more time than I can ordinarily spend, let alone fostering an additional relationship. Entering a relationship with another mono would be so much easier. I can imagine for polys with polys too!

Thanks for the book suggestions. Will definitely check them out.
 
Magdlyn said:
He sounds needy and possibly narcissistic. What have you done to heal from the long period of feeling inadequate, berated, monopolized, neglecting your child, etc.? Have you had therapy or read resources about establishing boundaries, keeping your own emotional buckets filled, taking care of your own business and not just giving all your time to building someone else up?

How do you know you feel ready for any kind of romantic relationship? Since you were with (perhaps) an abusive guy for a long time, you should especially look out for love bombing. Narcissists are notorious for being charming, everything you ever wanted (because they mirror what you do and say), giving you tons of great sex, etc., before they devalue you and basically start treating you like shit.

I dated a narc for 2.5 years and after I realized what he was and broke up with him, I read constantly online about narcissists and their traits so I'd be ready to avoid dating anyone who showed the same tendencies.

See, this makes me think you haven't healed or learned enough about how to establish and maintain a healthy adult relationship. You're scared, and your own thoughts and trauma are triggering to you.

You learn to respect yourself, you state your own boundaries, you enforce them, you know you are deserving of the best. If you can't give them what they demand, you leave with a clear conscience, because they were asking too much. I see you begged him to leave you, and find another doormat, but he made you do the break-up, and then after you did, continued to guilt-trip you.
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Yes. I discovered I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist, and I was subjected to emotional/psychological abuse. He’s done a lot of damage but doesn’t have the self awareness to understand that.
 
Hello MissCariss,

I think this guy should have told you he was poly before having sex with you. It is not fair to you for him to blindside you like that. Waiting until you are head over heels in love with him, so that you can't back out, and only then revealing who he really is. I'm sorry you are in this predicament, I know you can't back out now because you are in too deep.

Poly is okay. Keeping poly a secret from the woman you are dating is not okay. The very definition of poly includes mutual consent, and you can't consent to something you weren't aware of. It's nice that you are learning all you can about poly now, but the fact remains that he did you wrong by hiding his polyness from you. I hope he will be more honest/transparent in the future.

Just an alternative perspective,
Kevin T.
 
Oh please, the dude did nothing actually wrong.
 
kdt26417 said:
Waiting until you are head over heels in love with him, so that you can't back out, and only then revealing who he really is
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🤨

Not to make light of OP's feelings, but... what? Chatted online for 2 weeks + one date that ended in sex = too emotionally invested to "back out"?

I think if "potential for future relationship of a certain type" is so important to a person they need to know it before sex (and fair enough), it's on them to ask before they throw down on the first date. Should a monogamous person likewise be sure to say "Just so you know, I'm not interested in eventually having kids" before they sleep with someone they've known in person for like four hours?

All that being said, I actually do think this guy should just put "seeking polyamorous relationships" in his online dating profile, just because it's so unlikely most of the people he meets will want the same thing, and, well, here we are. 😅

(Edited to add): I think the reason I'm salty about this isn't about OP and her post at all—her feelings and her confusion are legit! It's about how whatever is unconventional is always pushed to justify itself, while whatever is conventional gets a free pass.

So if you're monogamous? Feel free to never say anything, because it's what everyone just assumes. Six months in y'all can talk about what kind of wedding you're keen on.

But if you're polyamorous? God forbid you let more than a couple minutes go by before you explain your weird life choices to a potential romantic partner, lest you break their heart, you monster you, when they find out you're not compatible!

That is an unfair double standard, and hearing it dropped by someone who is in a polyamorous relationship themselves is... I don't even know. Harrumph! 😤
 
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Thank you for sharing more info.

These conversations were traumatising. I loved my husband enough to let him go, but he didn’t want to be let go! It just resulted in me feeling shit about myself and never enough. It was soul destroying and now I’m triggered by the idea I may not be enough again for someone I love.
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This is a lot. While I'm sorry to hear about the trauma and divorce, I think it was the best thing to do. Your husband was treating you very poorly. From the sound of it, NOTHING you ever did was ever going to be enough for him, as a narcissist.

That doesn't mean YOU are inadequate, though. It might mean the ex-husband had unresolved issues and was trying to make you be his "scapegoat/life raft," rather than him taking personal responsibility and talking to a counselor to deal with it appropriately.

If this is your first dating partner since that, I could see having more than the usual nervousness. Are you seeing someone about all that trauma? It's VERY recent.

You've been through a lot and you have to be able to trust in yourself that you will dump anyone else who tries to treat you badly like that, and not go running towards it because it feels "familiar" or "exciting." Aspire to healthy relationships.


How do you stop from feeling inadequate in a relationship with someone who actively seeks more than what you have to offer?
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It's a shift to go from monogamy to polyamory, but it's still just dating. If you two are deeply compatible, you are deeply compatible and will stay together. If not, you'll hopefully part ways peacefully and move on. It's not much different from monogamy in that way.
What is different is the exclusivity. That isn't part of the picture any more.

You can read "Opening Up" free online.

archive.org

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm
archive.org

The worksheets are also here:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Additional worksheets from another author are here.


Starting to deconstruct monogamy is a lot, so take your time with it.

You might consider works by Jessica Fern -- Polysecure, Polywise, and the Polysecure workbook.

Thank you for allowing me to (over)share on here. I need to get this out without family and friends warning and advising me against the new poly guy.
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That's something else to deal with eventually, how "out" you want to be as poly at work, with friends, with family. Or rather, how many of them you are going to let "in" and know you more closely.

For now, if you introduce him to family and friends, you can just say he's someone you are dating. You aren't going steady and are both dating other people. since you have a child, might go slow introducing him to your kid. Dating as a single parent still raising kids is a whole other challenge.

You might consider building your poly-support network alongside learning about poly. Online venting can help, but online people can't bring you chicken soup, walk the dog, or help out with laundry if you are going through a rough patch. You need an IRL community. You might consider searching for "Name of your town/city and polyamory" like "Seattle Polyamory" or "London Polyamory" to see what is nearby or around for gatherings, meetups, and so on.

You might also consider working with a poly counselor.

https://www.polyfriendly.org/ could be a place to start searching.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Thank you so much everyone! Good to get different perspectives. i wasn’t expecting such a big response, and so quickly. I’m hoping to connect with others who have had a similar experience and get advice along the way.

Everyone feels things differently. Without jumping on the empath bandwagon, I feel big emotions and I know my situation. I didn't want to try fitting a square peg into a round hole only to hurt myself and the other person in the process.

I also didn’t want to let go something that could be a really positive experience, however understand, mono-poly relationships have a high failure rate, long term. I’m assessing what I want and how that fits within a poly context. I want to go in with eyes wide open and if it fails, it fails and I’ll take my share of responsibility as with any relationship I enter.

I have a whole stack of questions - he’s fielded some of them, but don’t want to overwhelm him either. I understand we are all individuals with unique and individual needs, however if I can throw some of my questions over to this community, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your concerns. Yes. I am in therapy as I need it and this is something which definitely will be raised soon.
 
MissCariss said:
Yes. I discovered I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist, and I was subjected to emotional/psychological abuse. He’s done a lot of damage but doesn’t have the self awareness to understand that.
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Never mind what his feelings and understandings were or are of his psychological state and his need to use people for emotional fuel. (You don't need to know how he's feeling, and it's best to go "no contact" with narcs once you break up.) What have you done to heal? How do you know when someone is asking too much of you? What would you do if your new dating partner began to "ask too much" of you? Can you say no?

He might not be healthily poly, but just want to triangulate you with others to watch the emotional fallout for entertainment (a trait my "poly" narc ex had).
 
Just a thought, in case this is helpful:

I have spent over a decade in a poly relationship where I never had the energy or inclination to date others. My partner was "enough" for me in terms of sex, love, affection, fun, emotional support, etc. He always had other partners of his own, which never bothered me. (I consider myself poly, not mono, even though my energy level is satisfied at one partner.) I am introverted and cherish my alone time. His energy levels are MUCH greater than mine. He's very extroverted, social, has a VERY high sex drive, needs more variety in sexual partners, is kinkier than me, etc. So, it never bothered me that I was not "enough" for him. He has completely different needs than I do.

If you felt like you couldn't do "enough" to please your ex-husband, and are worried that this is another situation where you aren't "enough" to meet someone's needs, you may be thinking about it all wrong. A big benefit of poly/ENM (or even the whole point of it, for me, at least) is that one person isn't supposed to fulfill all their partner's needs. It is a totally different way to think about relationships.

It sounds like you are pretty happy where you are in life now, living alone (or with your son?), not seeking to live with anyone or commingle finances. (From your initial post, I actually thought you were a lot younger and were seeking a life partner/marriage partner/hadn't had kids yet). Maybe you treasure the alone time, or personal time, or time with your son that you decide freely how to spend, without a controlling husband being upset with you. So potentially, your life situation could be compatible with someone who is poly, even if you don't want to date anyone else yourself.

What I've loved best about my poly relationship is that I have as much alone/personal time as I want, and I can still connect with my partner when I want. He was always good about balancing other relationships to make time for me. He never makes demands on my time, or asks me to meet needs I'm not able to. It's been very freeing and I always felt like I could be myself.

You may decide that you're not comfortable dating someone who dates others, and that's okay.

I don't think the poly guy was unethical in telling you too late. It's no different than a mono person saying after a great date that they are dating around, seeing other people, not interested in a relationship, aren't interested in pursuing things further, etc. That can feel hurtful, but it's just how dating works. (Plus, it sounds like this guy is potentially not seeing others right now, and is maybe interested in a relationship with you, just not a mono relationship. So there could be a more positive outcome than in the above examples.)
 
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