Mono-husband polybombed and wading through the smoke...

Trollbear

New member
That pretty much sums it up right now. My wife and I have been together over 19 years...married 15. And now she has decided to explore this new lifestyle. And I'm not sure what that means for us...yet.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Hi Trollbear, welcome, I'm glad you've found us. We don't have all the answers, but many of us have been in one of your shoes.

I don't know if this is comforting or not, but you guys aren't an uncommon demographic with the already quite long relationship. There's definitely the possibility that this will end your marriage for good. Or there's the possibility that you will both transition to the new normal of polyamory. Often the biggest hurdle is overcoming the mono-normative cultural indoctrination that has permeated your life up until now, including the lauding of jealousy and violence (towards any other man that dares even glance at "your woman") as essential components of love and romance. If you can dismantle those ideas in your mind, it's actually rather liberating, and given this is polyamory.com, I for one, will be rooting for you to do the work to reach that new normal.

There's a heap of resources we can recommend when you're ready. But for the moment, just please know you're welcome here no matter where you are on your journey. You're welcome to post questions in poly relationships corner, or blog your journey in life stories and blogs.

The search function can yield a heap of stuff, but if you want to specifically discuss your own circumstances, feel free.

A poly "lifestyle" can actually mean a heap of different things, so often we call it a love style instead. (Swingers often say they are "in the lifestyle" and polyamorists are more likely to not be swingers but rather focus on the amory and relationship building side of things.)

Being polybombed can be a massive shock. But it doesn't have to be insurmountable. In fact, it's a sign that your wife absolutely does not want to end your relationship to go be with someone else. Your relationship isn't being usurped.

I hope she presented it to you as what's good for the goose is good for the gander!

All the best for your forthcoming discussions, and again, feel free to ask anything in this anonymous environment (nickname everyone you want to talk about).

kind regards
Evie
 

Trollbear

New member
Hi Trollbear, welcome, I'm glad you've found us. We don't have all the answers, but many of us have been in one of your shoes.

I don't know if this is comforting or not, but you guys aren't an uncommon demographic with the already quite long relationship. There's definitely the possibility that this will end your marriage for good. Or there's the possibility that you will both transition to the new normal of polyamory. Often the biggest hurdle is overcoming the mono-normative cultural indoctrination that has permeated your life up until now, including the lauding of jealousy and violence (towards any other man that dares even glance at "your woman") as essential components of love and romance. If you can dismantle those ideas in your mind, it's actually rather liberating, and given this is polyamory.com, I for one, will be rooting for you to do the work to reach that new normal.

There's a heap of resources we can recommend when you're ready. But for the moment, just please know you're welcome here no matter where you are on your journey. You're welcome to post questions in poly relationships corner, or blog your journey in life stories and blogs.

The search function can yield a heap of stuff, but if you want to specifically discuss your own circumstances, feel free.

A poly "lifestyle" can actually mean a heap of different things, so often we call it a love style instead. (Swingers often say they are "in the lifestyle" and polyamorists are more likely to not be swingers but rather focus on the amory and relationship building side of things.)

Being polybombed can be a massive shock. But it doesn't have to be insurmountable. In fact, it's a sign that your wife absolutely does not want to end your relationship to go be with someone else. Your relationship isn't being usurped.

I hope she presented it to you as what's good for the goose is good for the gander!

All the best for your forthcoming discussions, and again, feel free to ask anything in this anonymous environment (nickname everyone you want to talk about).

kind regards
Evie
Thanks, Evie. I'm really hoping to be able to "get there" for my wife. I still have some of the usual hang-ups but I also know there are benefits for her and for me if and when she starts actually dating. I'm just....not 100% sold yet. But with the work I intend to do, I'm sure things will turn out ok. Even if we don't always agree.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks, Evie. I'm really hoping to be able to "get there" for my wife. I still have some of the usual hang-ups but I also know there are benefits for her and for me if and when she starts actually dating. I'm just....not 100% sold yet. But with the work I intend to do, I'm sure things will turn out ok. Even if we don't always agree.
I'm glad you have a positive attitude so far and I wish you well. Of course you're not 100% sold yet. Most formerly mono couples take a year or so to do the prep work before actually starting to date.

Reading the book Opening Up by Tristan Taormino would be of great benefit to both of you.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think she fortunate that you are willing to "go there" and give it serious consideration even though its a surprise to you. That's all you can promise right now. That you will reflect and consider.

Because you cannot predict outcome ahead of time. You might find yourself at any of these these places:
  • "Nope. I considered. I don't want to do that. Not willing. So doesn't matter if able or not."
  • "Ok, I'm willing to try... but I won't know if I'm actually able in practice."
  • "Ok, I'm willing to try... and I find I'm able. But then turns out she isn't able, though she was the one requesting."
  • "Ok, we are both willing and able... just not with each other. Not compatible as poly partners."
  • "Ok we are both willing and able... AND we can continue together practicing poly."
Take your time talking. Don't just jump into dating. I don't know if any of these help. Esp the pitfalls one...




These are from the "Opening Up" book.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

GL!
Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Trollbear,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here's a couple more links that might help:
Good luck, glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

IvanTrentBrown

New member
Hi trollbear,

My insight might be more cynical and negative.

Recently I was in a relationship with a woman that ended very badly. This was my first experience with poly and I came into it with no knowledge and a lot of naivete.

She was in a poly relationship with her husband of 15 years. But now I think their marriage is probably going to end. And I probably had a role in it.

I've been friends with them for a number of years. But after starting a relationship with the wife, my friendship with the husband deteriorated very quickly. I feel he had a lot of jealously and resentment towards me.

I am no longer on speaking terms with them and there is no fix.

I'm still wading through the smoke myself.
 
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