Mono in a new poly relationship and I’m anguishing

[Calistic]

Let me preface this to say that we are married. This is something my wife wanted to pursue and explore. We talked about it for over a year before she committed to anything. At first, it was for “fun." It has since, in almost two weeks' time, evolved into her texting her other partner nonstop, from the time she gets home until she goes to bed. She spends two nights at home and one night with her partner. They are already exchanging “I love you” and pet names before they go to bed.

When she is with her partner, I barely hear from her at all. Meanwhile, when she is with me, she talks to her partner nonstop until she finally goes to bed.

I love my wife and want to support her, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I no longer matter. I almost feel invisible at times. She says that if anything were to jeopardize our marriage, she would do nothing to do that, that she has a husband, kids and a family and she isn’t looking to replace that.

I’m trying to support my wife, but at the same time I’m also beginning to feel neglected, to the point I don’t feel like I matter. It’s taking a toll on my mental health. I can’t even sleep on the nights she’s away.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. Welcome to the board.

If you researched polyamory for a year, you must have come across terms like NRE (new relationship energy) and "poly hell." Maybe you read about continuing to date the primary partner, not just take them for granted and sit home watching TV, or just doing daily chores or childcare together. If you didn't read about these concepts, you should, imo, look into them and talk about them with the wife.

We have a great list of articles, books, a podcast and archived threads going back to when this board began almost 15 years ago in our Golden Nuggets section, here:

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Here's the poly hell article:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

 

[Evie]

I have to concur with Magdlyn, this is classic polyhell. I hope you find the article a good starting point for your next conversations.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

at first it was for “fun”

That seems to imply for "casual sex only." "Polyamory" means "many loves," like a person has more than one serious partner/GF/BF type person. Were you prepared for that?

Did you confuse "polyamory" with "ENM," or "open to casual sex," or some other form of non-monogamy?

When she is with her partner I barely hear from her...

Well, when she's on dates with you, do you want her interrupting date time to text other partners? Why would you expect her to text you when she's on her other dates?

Meanwhile, when she is with me, she talks to her partner nonstop until she finally goes to bed.

Like on actual dates with you? Or did you used to expect that all her free time at home "belongs" to you, like you get first dibs on it, and only after you pass, can she THEN talk to other people?

I love my wife and want to support her, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I no longer matter. I almost feel invisible at times.

You don't have to support her in doing PITA behaviors. Call her out on them.

she says that if anything were to jeopardize our marriage she would do nothing to do that, that she has a husband, kids and a family and she isn’t looking to replace that.

Okay, so she won't let anything jeopardize your marriage. That is fending things off.

What does she do to support it, that's nurturing it, helping to sustain/grow it?

it has in almost two weeks time evolved into her texting her other partner nonstop, from the time she gets home until she goes to bed. She spends two nights at home and one night with her partner, and they are already exchanging “I love you” and pet names before they go to bed.

I thought the same thing as the previous posters-- NRE obsession leading to poly-hell problems, totally taking you for granted, too.

Ask if she is willing to read the poly hell article together and talk about how to mitigate/reduce this stuff.

Make reasonable and rational requests. I'd start with no texting in bed with you and no texting on actual dates with you. If your floor plan allows for you to have separate bedrooms, make the switch.

She can spend her free time how she wants. Just because she's home at the same time as you doesn't mean all her free time is yours. At the same time, she's being super annoying with these behaviors.

You can ask her to not text in bed with you, and to put the phone away when it's dedicated 1:1 time with you. Chat/text how she wants during her free time, but c'mon! Be a decent roomie about it. Don't be all loud and stuff when you need to sleep for work the next day, YKWIM?

Figure out which parts are lover/partner parts and which parts are roomie parts. Address each accordingly.

Galagirl

 

[Calistic]

"Polyamory" means "many loves." Like a person has more than one serious partner/GF/BF type person. Did you confuse "polyamory" with "ENM" or "open to casual sex" or some other form of non-monogamy?
NRE obsession leading to poly hell problems, totally taking you for granted too.

I'd start with no texting in bed with you, and no texting on dates with you. She can spend her free time how she wants. Just because she's home at the same time as you doesn't mean all her free time is yours. At the same time, she's being super annoying. So ask her to not text in bed with you, and to put the phone away when it's dedicated 1:1 time with you.

Ask if she is willing to read the poly hell article together and talk about how to mitigate/reduce this stuff.

Her partner sees her and has more of her time than me or our kids, at this point. When she leaves, I never know when she’s coming back, and she doesn’t communicate with me at all. When she’s here she communicates with her partner the entire time.

I feel abandoned and forgotten about at this point. When she leaves, I’m going two days or more without sleep because of the toll it’s taking on me mentally.

I feel like I’ve lost my wife.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

She can't swan in and out of here like a child-free roomie, and saddle you with chores/kid care from the sky.

There could be two days a week where she gets to do what she wants, and you deal with the kid care. She can go out alone, with friends, family, date, whatever. Even be home napping. But she is NOT the parent on call. You field it.

And then there could be two days a week where you get to do what you want, and she deals with the kid care. You can go out alone, with friends, family, date, whatever. Even be home napping. But you are NOT the parent on call. She fields it.

Then there are two days for couple dates and one day for special family time.

I feel like I’ve lost my wife.

That sucks. Did you two talk this out previously, the practical logistics of poly dating? Or did you think it was casual sex, like "one and done," and it would not have this big of an impact on family life? More like "monogamish" -- mostly monogamy, with an encounter once in a blue moon or something?

You could tell her this is too much and you would like to read the poly hell article together and talk about reducing impact.

You might also read these:

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

web.archive.org

Especially the pitfalls one.

Wayback Machine

Perhaps consider working with a poly counselor if you can afford it. Maybe this helps you find one.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

I feel abandoned and forgotten about at this point, when she leaves I’m going two days or more without sleep because of the toll it’s taking on me mentally.

You could see your GP about the stress, and ask if a sleep aid or anxiety meds are appropriate in your situation, short term.

But I gotta tell you... IME, watching other people, if the spouse goes AWOL for whatever reason -- polyamory, workaholic, golf, booze, whatever, and leaves the other spouse basically single parenting all the time? They don't wake up? That other spouse is going to start living on their own, in their mind.

They are just not going to bother trying to include the absent spouse, or to check in with them anymore, because of broken promises, underdelivering, etc. They will just move on without them and get their shit done. And then they will eventually figure out, "Hey, if I'm basically a single parent here, in practice, if not in name, I could just divorce and REALLY be a single parent. I'd lose the deadbeat spouse, and have fewer chores. AND I'd have kid-free time with it's their turn with the kids. Divorced life would be an improvement for me over THIS."

I sure hope it doesn't get to that point here. I hope reading the article is the wake-up call she needs to get it better together.

She is an untried hinge, and right now, she is hinging poorly. Maybe that's another thing to look at together: hinge skills.

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.

www.multiamory.com

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Calistic,

I'd say she is neglecting you. She may not be doing that consciously, she is surely in the midst of NRE for her other partner. She certainly shouldn't be texting her other partner when she's with you. Let her know that that's unfair.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi, Calistic. Welcome to the forum.

Let me preface this to say that we are married, and this is something my wife wanted to pursue and explore. We talked about it for over a year before she committed to anything. At first it was for “fun,” but it has since, in almost two weeks' time, evolved into her texting her other partner nonstop, from the time she gets home until she goes to bed. She spends two nights at home and one night with her partner. They are already exchanging “I love you” and pet names before they go to bed.

In that year, did she or you do any kind of research/reading as to what you’d be getting into?

Exactly how long had she been dating before she was doing overnights? Are you describing the rotation as being 2 nights at home, 1 with lover, 2 nights at home, 1 with lover?

When she is with her partner, I barely hear from her. Meanwhile, when she is with me, she talks to her partner nonstop until she finally goes to bed.

I love my wife and want to support her, but I don’t know what to do, I feel like I no longer matter. I almost feel invisible...

Right now, you and the kids are on autopilot in her head. You matter, but only if there’s an issue or crisis, and in her state of mind, it would almost be better if you were invisible. Very distorted thinking.

She says that if anything were to jeopardize our marriage, she would do nothing to do that, that she has a husband, kids and a family and she isn’t looking to replace that.

How long have you been married? How many kids? How old are they? Are they also feeling the neglect?

It’s not if there’s a “thing“ in the anything that would jeopardizing the marriage; it’s overall conduct. If were to label the thing jeopardizing the marriage, it would be HER.

You might need to have a crisis meeting and explain this, because this can sour super fast. People lose trust and faith when they watch yrs of commitment be so easily trashed.

I’m trying to support my wife. I’m also beginning to feel neglected. I don’t feel like I matter. It’s taking a toll on my mental health to the point I can’t even sleep...

Right now, I’d be less concerned about supporting your wife, and more concerned about yourself, and your own mental health. Try to come up with things every day that support that, not just on the days or nights she’s away.