Mono/poly dynamic with potential alpha male traits

bearpancakes

New member
I’m (m) am the mono in my marriage and my wife (f) is Poly and currently seeing a guy who she says is a FWB.

He seems nice and all but some things are jumping out. First he identified as a Dom and they are into impact play. My wife is also Dom so there’s a sexual power struggle with them.

The other day he reached out to me because my wife and his other partner were hanging out and not answering their phone. He reached out to me to see if I knew where they were, which in and of itself isn’t the issue, but he never uses my wife’s name when he’s talking time, he always calls her “your wife”

Now I notice he likes to buy her lunch and stuff (Uber eat gift cards) but he only does it when my wife and I are home together.

So imagine you’re a guy who’s wife is a FWB to another guy and when you’re both at home together this guy buys her lunch.

Am I wrong for feeling like that’s a passive alpha male move?
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
He seems nice and all but some things are jumping out. First he identified as a Dom and they are into impact play. My wife is also Dom so there’s a sexual power struggle with them.

Don't know how you know all that, but if it is from wife oversharing, you could tell her you don't need TMI details about their kink dynamic.

Calendar and basic sex health hygiene might be enough for you.

but he never uses my wife’s name when he’s talking time, he always calls her “your wife”

And would you prefer he say her actual name instead? Could tell him.

So imagine you’re a guy who’s wife is a FWB to another guy and when you’re both at home together this guy buys her lunch. Am I wrong for feeling like that’s a passive alpha male move?

You feel how you feel. Or think how you think.

To me? It's just a lunch. And friends and FWB's can buy each other lunch sometimes.

Are you worried about something?
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
How do you feel about polyamory in general and your wife's need for multiple partners? Are you struggling with knowing she's seeing another man?

Your mentioning of her OSO being "alpha" makes me think you're feeling "lesser than." Are you struggling with that? Are you buying in to that whole philosophy... men competing to see who's more "masculine," "powerful," etc? It takes confidence to do polyamory, confidence in your own worth, especially if you aren't interested in polyamory for yourself. It can take time to build that confidence. It also takes trust in your wife. If you trust her and have a good healthy relationship, the things her OSO enjoys doing with and for her won't bother you. That's their business, not yours.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
She shared all of that with me. I think I’m overreacting tbh and this oversharing could be the cause.

Then you could tell her not to share so much. Basics for your own sex health is good enough. Knowing he's her FWB and if sex labs/condoms/safer sex practices are used covers that.

You aren't involved in their dynamic, so it's kinda like "Why tell me this level of detail? For what purpose?"

Even if she has some kind of "sharing kink" that doesn't mean you have to be up for it.

Maybe think about communication boundaries? Have a talk?

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi bearpancakes,

This guy (the FWB) is definitely an alpha male. He is inserting himself between you and your wife. Putting himself in charge of your relationship with her. If he is going to buy her lunch, he should do it when he is with her -- not when you are with her.

Her oversharing exacerbates the problem.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I disagree with the notion of alpha male. It's a silly label that comes out of somewhat misogynistic rhetoric, is unhealthy and unhelpful due to oversimplification.

Does he think about her when they aren't together? Of course. Is he the kind of person who uses gifts as a love language? It appears so? Do either of these things have anything to do with you? Extremely unlikely. Could simply be coincidence that this happens when you are home together. And if it's a gift card, can't she spend it at any time? And why is she even telling you that she's getting them? Is she dropping hints that she would like you to buy her something rather than having an explicit discussion about what love languages operate best in your relationship with each other?

Honestly, it seems like it's time for a heart to heart with your wife (you might want to choose a nickname so we don't have to also refer to her as "your wife") about her hinge behavior and your relationship needs.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
i read this differently from the rest of the class “ Now I notice he likes to buy her lunch and stuff (Uber eat gift cards) but he only does it when my wife and I are home together.” It sounds to me like bf / FWB/ Dom is sending her lunch using a gift card while she’s home with her husband. IF THATS the case my question would be whats your wife’s involvement in this whole process. i think at the very least the ideas that the needle is moving past FWB is probably worth acknowledging.

How long has she been seeing this guy?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
i read this differently from the rest of the class “ Now I notice he likes to buy her lunch and stuff (Uber eat gift cards) but he only does it when my wife and I are home together.” It sounds to me like bf / FWB/ Dom is sending her lunch using a gift card while she’s home with her husband.
It doesn't matter what time the gift voucher appears in her email, or whatever. Those things don't have a time limit. You choose when to spend them. I agree that your wife does not need to tell you when these gifts arrive. Of course he's not going to send her a gift card when she's with him. lol. He sends them when they are apart, to let her know he's thinking about her. The OP doesn't need to take it personally, at a jab at himself (or his status).
It that's the case, my question would be: what's your wife’s involvement in this whole process? I think, at the very least, the idea that the needle is moving past FWB is probably worth acknowledging.

How long has she been seeing this guy?
I agree that FWBs may not often make romantic gestures, like sending gifts. However, I enjoy giving gifts even to platonic friends. This guy might just enjoy being generous. However, it is worth looking into. Maybe the wife is downplaying her importance to her new FWB to prevent conflict or a talk about how a purely physical relationship can deepen into something more emotional.

I agree with Evie about that alpha male bs. It annoys the hell out of me. I think men (and women for that matter, or non-binary people) can grow in confidence and strength without it being some kind of dick-swinging competition.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It doesn't matter what time the gift voucher appears in her email, or whatever.
see I didn’t get this was a voucher or gift card Showing up in an in box. I thought he literally was sending food. Like he called in an order and paid for her lunch using Uber eats Card.
Those things don't have a time limit. You choose when to spend them. I agree that your wife does not need to tell you when these gifts arrive. Of course he's not going to send her a gift card when she's with him. lol. He sends them when they are apart, to let her know he's thinking about her. The OP doesn't need to take it personally, at a jab at himself (or his status).
I guess he question I have for the op is he seemed like a nice guy in the beginning are you looking to find something wrong with this guy or the more familiar he gets that vibe is changing ?? FROM the very brief description we got I think the new partner isn’t really trying to be alpha but rather doesn’t see or care what the op is doing not doing Sort of nonentity unless he needs something.


I agree that FWBs may not often make romantic gestures, like sending gifts. However, I enjoy giving gifts even to platonic friends. This guy might just enjoy being generous. However, it is worth looking into. Maybe the wife is downplaying her importance to her new FWB to prevent conflict or a talk about how a purely physical relationship can deepen into something more emotional.
I’d say it’s more likely than not develop some sort of emotional connection.



I agree with Evie about that alpha male bs. It annoys the hell out of me. I think men (and women for that matter, or non-binary people) can grow in confidence and strength without it being some kind of dick-swinging competition.
It’s cute you both think that and if the op is right and this guy is pulling that bullshit he can relay your thoughts on the matter I’m sure it will stop then. Mags don’t bonobos chimps have alpha males ?? hypothetically if this new guy/partner is getting off on some bull/cuck scenario what’s your advice. A lecture, begging him to stop, have the “ the wife “ talk to him, ignore it ?
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
see I didn’t get this was a voucher or gift card Showing up in an in box. I thought he literally was sending food. Like he called in an order and paid for her lunch using Uber eats Card.

I guess he question I have for the op is he seemed like a nice guy in the beginning are you looking to find something wrong with this guy or the more familiar he gets that vibe is changing ?? FROM the very brief description we got I think the new partner isn’t really trying to be alpha but rather doesn’t see or care what the op is doing not doing Sort of nonentity unless he needs something.



I’d say it’s more likely than not develop some sort of emotional connection.




It’s cute you both think that and if the op is right and this guy is pulling that bullshit he can relay your thoughts on the matter I’m sure it will stop then. Mags don’t bonobos chimps have alpha males ?? hypothetically if this new guy/partner is getting off on some bull/cuck scenario what’s your advice. A lecture, begging him to stop, have the “ the wife “ talk to him, ignore it ?

The wife is the person who controls that. She is key to all his issues. He needs to speak to her but she might be happy with things as they are.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Controls what specifically. I’m not sure she’s the key to all his issues.…but she probably has a tangential role. How he wants to deal or cope with these things as they arise is going to be his pretty much his deal.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Well, firstly, if he is the macho alpha type, she picked him, and all that comes with that, including the likelihood he's going to be a combative poly player.

Then, as we established, she chooses to accept the lunches. There are ways she include her husband in the lunches, as well as choose to do them at other times as we discussed earlier. She chooses otherwise.

There are ways to pick partners that won't constantly introduce new challenges to existing relationships.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
See, I didn’t get that this was a voucher or gift card showing up in an inbox. I thought he was literally sending food. Like he called in an order and paid for her lunch using an Uber Eats card.
If the OP ever comes back, perhaps we will find out.
It’s cute you both think that.
Awww, you're cute too, sweetie pie! hehe! *blush*
And if the op is right and this guy is pulling that bullshit, he can relay your thoughts on the matter. I’m sure it will stop then.
I hope so, darling! ;)
Mags, don’t bonobos chimps have alpha males?
I'm sure I don't know. I haven't talked to any bonobos lately. Maybe you have. Please do let me know. Thanks!
Hypothetically, if this new guy/partner is getting off on some bull/cuck scenario, what’s your advice? A lecture, beg him to stop, have the “the wife“ talk to him, ignore it?
To be serious for a hot minute (tho it was awfully fun flirting with you, whew!), I would say that it takes 3 to tango. Everyone here is an adult and needs to agree on establishing a bull/cuck/hotwife dynamic. Otherwise it's just kinda gross.
 

ALewdRaven

New member
So, my two cents as someone navigating poly while heavily involved in BDSM and a d/s dynamic with near 24/7.

As per your wife's Dom. Honestly I say you maybe need to have a chat with him. A Dom be it a Sir or Daddy is all about taking care of their Sub. His purchase of food, could simply be a 'I want you to be thinking of me' (if a more lifestyle vs play partner dynamic) or desire to take care of her when not in his presence. Everyone's aftercare and long term care/rules for subs is different. Talk to him, ask him if it's aftercare, if it's part of their dynamic, what sort of rules and safety are in play. Express -your- views on how sometimes it does feel like he's slipping between the time you and your wife have together. You can't overcome this if you two don't talk about it. Also, it may help you to learn how she's being taken care of, that she's getting proper aftercare, and how their dynamic is going.

A key to such dynamic (both poly and BDSM) is communication, perhaps your wife's overshare is her trying to share part of that side of her with you. Let you know what's going on (for bruises or open wounds sake, so you know she's safe) and trying to reassure you it's wanted?
 
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