Mono-Poly Relationship Advice Needed

[shockingc]

For some background, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. When we first started dating, she mentioned she had poly tendencies, but didn't think she'd ever act on them. Fast forward to about 2-3 months ago, she mentioned she wanted to explore with men as part of her healing journey (she has a lot of trauma from men in the past and is bi), as well as wanting to satisfy her poly cravings, as she calls it.

We have talked things over. As someone who is very monogamous and never tried anything like this, I was a bit surprised. But I want to be supportive. While I am a lesbian and not emotionally attracted to men, I do think that sleeping with them with certain boundaries in place could be fun. But I have never tried it, so I don't know if I'd actually like it or not. But the thought of my gf being there makes it sounds more appealing and comfortable, especially since we both are into BDSM and have explored that a lot recently too. But nothing involving another person yet.

We've talked to two other couples that didn't work out because they either fetishized our relationship, or the vibe just wasn't there. But we have been talking to this one guy who lives about 7-8 hours away. We both really like him. He is super respectful of our boundaries. He is okay with not being a part of our relationship and just FWBs. He is just a cool person all around.

She has reassured me that since she is not completely poly, she does not want another partner in our relationship other than us two (and neither do I), but would rather have something more along the lines of a FWB that we could hang out with and then also do things in bed with, which that guy could be perfect for.

What I need advice on is, we love each other very much and are genuinely so happy together, but I'm not comfortable with her sleeping with another man/woman without me involved, and she's not sure if she is okay with it only being FWBs as a couple. I don't want to limit her and am in no way wanting to control what she can or can't do.

I know having a mono/poly relationship can be hard and that there needs to be compromises so that everyone's values, feelings, and emotions involved aren't pushed aside, but it is a dealbreaker for me, and I don't know what to do.

We're planning on moving in with each other in about 7 months. We have such a beautiful relationship that we don't want to lose. But I can't be with someone who wants to be with people alone, whether it's another partner or FWB. I'm nervous that that's going to be an issue. It's super important for her to have a connection to the person, which is why having a friendship is something she needs before sex can occur. I personally have issues being around men since I've had bad experiences with them in the past and have trouble feeling safe. I'm intimidated and uncomfortable with them, so having a friendship helps to dispel a lot of those issues, since I suffer from really bad anxiety.

I am obviously very new to this type of lifestyle and still consider myself monogamous. But I want to make her happy while ensuring I am not compromising too much, and it ends up being a recipe for disaster. If anyone has some words of advice, personal experience, or anything, that would be greatly appreciated.

Also, sorry in advance if it's a bit confusing. I tried my best to keep things organized, but there are so many things to include and I didn't want it to get too lengthy. haha

 

[Evie]

I don't want to limit her and am in no way wanting to control what she can or can't do.

The thing is, that control is precisely the outcome of you saying you aren't comfortable with her having 1-1 time with him. That it's a deal breaker. And that's okay, your boundaries are for you to honour and the most effective way to honour your own boundaries is to leave the situation that is starting to make you uncomfortable.

So, it's much better to know this now before you move in together. Is it a deal-breaker for her if she never gets to have a 1-1 fwb? If so, you aren't compatible as life partners. Better to call it quits now and find someone you can have a monogamous relationship with.

 

[shockingc]

The thing is, that control is precisely the outcome of you saying you aren't comfortable with her having 1-1 time with him. That it's a deal breaker. And that's okay, your boundaries are for you to honour and the most effective way to honour your own boundaries is to leave the situation that is starting to make you uncomfortable.

So, it's much better to know this now before you move in together. Is it a deal-breaker for her if she never gets to have a 1-1 fwb? If so, you aren't compatible as life partners. Better to call it quits now and find someone you can have a monogamous relationship with.

Yeah you're right, I definitely acknowledge that, even if I don't want it, in a sense, I have control over what does vs doesn't happen, and of course, she does too! Thank you for validating my boundaries. At times, I feel pressured to give her the okay, or to be okay with certain things that I might not typically be. But I have voiced my concerns and we've worked through each of ours, so far, thankfully.

Hmm... that's a good question. I'm more than okay with her spending time with him alone if he ever came to visit, but it's the part of them engaging in sexual acts alone that makes me uncomfortable to hear about or know is happening. She has said that she wouldn't want me being alone with someone either, and even though I'm not interested in that, I feel like it's kind of hypocritical to expect me to be okay with her being alone, if that makes any sense. I know she's not trying to be difficult or unfair, but it comes off that way.

Leaving is so hard to do. We both want to have each other in our future and have helped each other grow and heal so much. This is quite literally our only "bad" thing.

I'm not entirely sure if it's a dealbreaker for her. I told her I needed some time to think and process my feelings. I thought I'd hop on here and ask for some advice from people who might have some good advice and more experience than me, but I will be talking with her about it soon.

I really appreciate your advice. It helped a lot. Thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello shockingc,

It sounds like your girlfriend is inclined to sleep (have sex) with another wo/man without you being present for that. Whereas you would want to be there (with her and the other wo/man), and maybe there is some conflict between you and your girlfriend over this. You say it is a deal breaker for you. Is it also a deal breaker for your girlfriend? If not, then she might be willing to compromise with you even if you don't compromise. She did say she wouldn't want you engaging one-on-one with someone else, so she must know that's a little bit hypocritical of her. Keep talking to her, keep thinking about your own boundaries and whether there's some wiggle room for you, and of course keep reading and posting on this forum.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Before you two start engaging with other people in any way other than platonically, I highly recommend not just asking a few random internet people (us) for advice, but to begin a reading journey. We have a great list of resources here, books, articles, and a podcast:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

I'd suggest starting with the book Opening Up, and maybe listening to the podcast Multiamorywhen you can, or if you prefer listening to reading.

There are several different kinds of ethical non-monogamy:

Open relationship (one night stands, FWBs, fuckbuddies)
Swinging (generally couple-centric, sharing sex as a couple with other people, either in threeways, quads or orgies/gangbangs)
Polyamory (the basis for this board here, where people want to and do fall in love with more than one person with the joyful consent of all)

You two seem confused about what you want. You've got a very common idea that, as a couple, you will hop in bed with someone and share them. You will "add a third to your relationship." You will avoid jealousy and other unpleasant feelings, anxiety, shyness, because your trusted partner will be right there.

In a triad there are several relationships, not just one.

Let's call your gf Luna and that hypothetical shared FWB Liam.

Here are the relationships:
You + Luna
Luna + Liam
You + Liam
You + Liam + Luna

Each dyad will have its own flavor, dynamic, degree of closeness, degree of compatibility (emotional, sexual, kink, shared interests, sense of humor, trust/reliability, eagerness to text in between dates, etc.).

Meanwhile Liam, the partner of Luna, is your "metamour," the partner of your partner. Liam is also Luna's metamour, the partner of her partner. Liam is the partner of both of you, and also the partner of your partner.

In the midst of all these overlapping relationships, there are going to be unequal feelings, affection, degrees of desire, energy levels. Quite often, when a couple "adds a third," the new person gets along better with one of the members of the couple. And one member of the couple likes the new person less than the other member of the couple likes them. Therefore, jealousy and anxiety is not banished. It's fully there.

A better way to poly-date is to each get your own other partner. Luna dates Liam. You start dating... let's say, Mia, another woman, of the sex you actually know you desire.

But how can you trust Luna to date Liam on her own? You learn to communicate. You inform yourself about polyamory or at least polyfuckery. You get counseling to heal your past traumas. You don't depend on a FWB to heal your traumas. (Maybe you've had therapy already, I don't mean you haven't. Just don't burden Liam with being a "good guy" who is going to make up for all the "bad guys.")

And, you disentangle. (Read the article "The Most Skipped Step" for a brief explanation of disentangling.)

If Luna wants to poly-date men, and you're a monogamous lesbian and don't want to get on the poly train, you break up with Luna, or you learn to understand polyamory. And you don't move in with Luna until you both have a better handle on all of this.

Also, 7-8 hours away is really fucking far. How much of a relationship, with shared fun and actual sex, could there be?

 

[GalaGirl]

Gently... NRE (new relationship energy) tends to last 6-24 mos. Then reality hits and the people see if they are actually deeply compatible. That might be happening here. The NRE has worn off with your GF of not quite a year, and you might be discovering that you two want different things now.

Your GF now wants to have an open relationship so she can explore dating/sharing sex with men.

You don't have to answer any of the below. I just offer them for you to reflect upon.

As someone who is very monogamous and never tried anything like this, I was a bit surprised. But I want to be supportive.

What would being appropriately supportive look like in your case? And what would be going too far and risking damage to yourself?

While I am a lesbian and not emotionally attracted to men, I do think that sleeping with them with certain boundaries in place could be fun. But have never tried it, so I don't know if I'd actually like it or not. But the thought of my gf being there makes it sounds more appealing and comfortable, especially since we both are into BDSM and have explored that a lot, nothing involving another person...

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. So is kink/BDSM. Are you and GF clear on what non-monogamous models you are and are not up for?

There's nothing wrong with parallel poly, where she does her thing with her people, and you do your thing with other people. But you probably don't want to pile on too many new things at once, like "a kid in a candy store."

He is okay with not being a part of our relationship and just FWBs. He is just a cool person all around.

That's the thing. He WON'T be part of your relationship.

• You + Partner.
• You + Guy
• Partner + Guy

And other layers

• Your relationship with your authentic self
• Partner's relationship with her authentic self
• Guy's relationship with his authentic self
• 
  
• How Guy deals with (you + Partner)
• How Partner deals with (You + Guy). <-- she's not comfortable with that. And you find it hypocritical that she expects you to be ok with it when it's her and someone else. But not you and someone else.
• How you deal with (Partner + Guy) <--- You are not comfortable with that.

• You + Partner + Guy -- not group sex, just basica polite with each other
• How this ends -- if it ends well, or you end up partnered differently than how you started, or it even goes down to everyone single again.

If this is a "one and done" encounter, be clear on that. Sometimes dealing in those is easier than longer-term relationships.

You could consider seeing a professional sex worker for a group-sex encounter that really would be "one and done."

She has reassured me that since she is not completely poly, she does not want another partner in our relationship other than us two (and neither do I), but would rather have something more along the lines of a FWB that we could hang out with and then also do things in bed with, which that guy could be perfect for.

Could you each have your own FWB?

What happens if feelings happen as a result of sharing sex? Do you just dump the FWBs and preserve the original couple? Renegotiate agreements to change to full polyamory? Lie to the original partner that it is still FWBs, but really, it's not?

Are the potential FWBs ok with all that? Or would you and partner be making all the rules for them?

What I need advice on is, we love each other very much and are genuinely so happy together, but I'm not comfortable with her sleeping with another man/woman without me involved, and she's not sure if she is okay with it only being FWBs as a couple. I don't want to limit her and am in no way wanting to control what she can or can't do.

Would it be better to stay together monogamously and just let this idea go?

Or, could you be happy together another way, as exes and friends?

I know having a mono/poly relationship can be hard, and that there needs to be compromises so that everyone's values, feelings, and emotions involved aren't pushed aside, but it is a dealbreaker for me, and I don't know what to do.

You break up if something is a dealbreaker. The feelings are hard, but the actions are straightforward.

We're planning on moving in with each other in about 7 months. We have such a beautiful relationship that we don't want to lose. But I can't be with someone who wants to be with people alone, whether it's another partner or a FWB.

Consider not moving in together for at least another year, until this other thing is sorted out and lived in enough.

It would stink to deal with the expenses and work of moving, and then get stuck living with an ex because you broke up over this and don't have the money to move back out again. Then you're stuck listening to your recent ex sharing sex in their bedroom on the other side of the wall. Or worse -- you didn't think to get a floorplan with separate bedrooms!

Maybe you want to live in the same apartment building or complex, but not actually in the same flat. Baby steps.

It's super important for her to have a connection to the person, which is why having a friendship is something she needs before sex can occur.

You could prepare for her wanting more than a FWB eventually. If it never comes to pass, it's no skin off your nose. You've done the work already. But if it does, you are prepared and not caught by surprise.

As a mono person, what if you do this, and fall for your other partner, and want to drop the current partner in favor of monogamy with the new one?

I personally have issues being around men since I've had bad experiences with them in the past and have trouble feeling safe. I'm intimidated and uncomfortable with them, so having a friendship helps to dispel a lot of those issues, since I suffer from really bad anxiety.

Then consider working on your own stuff, and do NOT share group sex with her and a man. Learning to have a friendship with a man is one thing. Sharing group sex with him is another. If it goes badly, group sex would be a NEW bad experience you'd then have to heal from. Why risk that?

I am obviously very new to this type of lifestyle and still consider myself monogamous. But I want to make her happy while ensuring I am not compromising too much, and it ends up being a recipe for disaster. If anyone has some words of advice, personal experience, or anything that would be greatly appreciated.

I think you might be going too far and could be thinking about compromising too much.

To me, compromise is for popsicles. You and I want the last popsicle in the box, so we split it. Neither of us gets what we REALLY want -- the whole popsicle, but we can live with it because it's not a huge deal. We both get SOME of the popsicle now, and later today we get a whole other box at the store and each get a whole one then.

If you are strictly monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and strictly monogamous (want to be in 1:1 relationship shapes only), what are you doing thinking about group sex and all that? That's you going against your own grain, compromising your values/beliefs. That's not a popsicle. That's HUGE.

You might be ok if you are monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and relationship-shape flexible, like you are happy doing either monogamy or being an end point in a poly V, or similar, because then it's not compromising your core values or beliefs. But are you that?

I wonder if you are in anticipatory grief, in the bargaining stage. You don't want to break up, so you're trying to make this work ANYWAY, and are maybe thinking about doing things you don't really want, just to please her and avoid a break-up.

I think you could slow down before taking any actions-- and talk more.

Another way to go might be a trial separation, since you live in your own places already. She does her thing, you do yours. After X months, you decide if you want to get back together or not.

That's being supportive of her wants without you getting involved with her other partners. It honors the things YOU prefer.

You can read "Opening Up" for free online if you make an account.

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Related worksheets:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

You can consider opening up. But afterwards, you can still say, "No, thanks. Polyamory is ok for other people. But I don't want it for me."

Have the conversations you need to have with your partner, even if they are tough. Do that first before jumping into bed with other people.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

Yep, it's definitely hypocritical. Can you live with that? Maybe not even regarding this guy, but someone else in the future that you actually really really like? What about another woman?

 

[GalaGirl]

Leaving is so hard to do. We both want to have each other in our future and have helped each other grow and heal so much.

Maybe that's all the relationship was meant to be? Growth and healing and now the growth and healing has been achieved?

This is quite literally our only "bad" thing.

It's a pretty big incompatibility though.

Neither one is up for being plain exes for a time, and then changing again to "exes and friends" so it can continue in a NEW shape that fits better for this next chapter?

In case it helps you discern.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

GG

 

[Bobbi]

it's the part of them engaging in sexual acts alone that makes me uncomfortable to hear about or know is happening. She has said that she wouldn't want me being alone with someone, either.

This is the crux of your issue. Polyamory is about working through those hard feelings you have when your partner is loving someone else. You both need to sit down and figure out, as individuals, if you want to do the work to sit with these very uncomfortable feelings. Poly is not one-sided. BOTH of you should be free to date, love and fuck others. Whether you choose not to right now is irrelevant. And you both have to be committed to dealing with those feelings. If either of you says no, then poly should not happen.

It's hard work, honestly, and that work and severe discomfort at first shouldn't be burdened by one person that gets no benefit from that hard work, while the other person gets none of that work and all the fun.

You don't need to know anything other than sexual-health risks. Once you know their relationship has become sexual, you never need to hear about it again, unless risk profiles change. You know in the back of your mind they are having sex, but don't have to hear them say it to you or tell you about it.