Mono-Poly, will it ever get better?

[delphine]

Hi,

It took me a while, but after endless reading I am finally posting here.
My partner (Villiers) and I have been married for over 10 years with three kids. We opened up around 5 years and it has been with a lot of ups and downs. Last year I met someone (Mendel) with who I see myself being committed to, but DH couldn't cope and I had to break it off with him. We have done the necessary therapy since opening up, and now Mendel and I started to talk again. He's very hesitant to restart things as he doesn't trust Villiers feelings and is afraid I will end things at any moment.
Will it ever get better for a mono to be living with a poly? And how can I make Mendel feel secure and win his trust? How can I make them both feel secure?
I'm really struggling on how to move forward, because this loop seems to not end.

Any advice appreciated.
Delphine

 

[dingedheart]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

What is Mendel‘s backstory, marriage, family, kids?

DO YOU trust Villiers to not pull the same thing down the road? I mean, why should he trust him? He’s not in those therapy sessions.

Whose idea was it? How and why did you decide to open your marriage ?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

It took me a while, but after endless reading I am finally posting here.

I'm glad you decided to post. Do you mean you've done endless reading here, or also other sources, websites, books, podcasts? Has Villiers also done his poly reading and research?

Opening Up, Polysecure, Designer Relationships are all great how-to books about polyamory.

After five years of you and Villiers practicing polyamory, plus therapy, I am surprised you still struggle.

My partner (Villiers) and I have been married for over 10 years with three kids. We opened up around 5 years and it has been with a lot of ups and downs.

You say below that Villiers is mono. It sounds like he resents your being poly. He's threatened by it and maybe only doing it under duress.

Last year I met someone (Mendel) with whom I saw myself being committed. But DH couldn't cope and I had to break it off with him. We have done the necessary therapy since opening up. Now Mendel and I have started to talk again. He's very hesitant to restart things as he doesn't trust Villiers' feelings and is afraid I will end things at any moment.

Mendel is right to be hesitant. If you and Villiers have a "veto" agreement, that is not fair to anyone you might choose to date, or "commit to." No one wants to date someone whose partner can end their relationship at any time. You're giving your husband too much power and control. It sounds like you already broke Mendel's heart once. Of course he's cautious.

Polyamory is about commitment! If you really love someone, you want to commit to them in some way. There are stages on the relationship escalator. You may not ever live with Mendel, or pool finances, or have kids together, but you may want to plan regular dates, holidays, times to text each other, help each other with your separate homes' chores, go shopping together, meet his extended family, etc., etc. Even if Mendel is always your "secondary," he has rights too. Did you warn him ahead of time that you'd agreed that your husband could demand you end things for his own comfort?

Read this: A Secondary's Bill of Rights

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

Will it ever get better for a mono to be living with a poly?

Not in your current configuration. Villiers has too much veto power. He isn't fully on board with you being poly.

And how can I make Mendel feel secure and win his trust?

Ask him what he needs.

How can I make them both feel secure?

Ask Villiers specifically what he needs. More sex? More cuddles? More dates? Vacation time? More quality time, where you aren't texting Villiers?

How often would you like to date Villiers in a week? How often would you like to date Mendel? How many dates per week does each man want/need? Do these mesh with your desires?

Remember to add in "me time" for yourself so you don't get "hinge burn-out."

Look into the Five Love Languages. Some people need more of one kind of love than another:
Gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Touch
Act of service

Sometimes we show our love in OUR way, when it doesn't meet THEIR need.

Also, with three kids, are you able to be a present mother despite having X amount of dates with Mendel a month? Does Villiers take on all the childcare while you're gone, feel unsupported, lonely, bored, taken for granted? Have you missed important kid milestones because you were out with Mendel instead?

I'm really struggling on how to move forward, because this loop seems to not end.

Any advice would be appreciated.
Delphine

Why is this loop never-ending? Was your therapist not poly-friendly? What is missing? Why, after five years, is Villiers not on board with your lovestyle yet?

 

[delphine]

Hi and welcome to the forum .

What is Mendel‘s backstory? Marriage, family, kids.

DO YOU trust Villiers to not pull the same thing down the road? I mean, why should he trust him? he’s not in those therapy sessions.

Whose idea was it? How and why did you decide to open your marriage?

Hi dingedheart,

This time it was mostly my idea. We opened up because I always felt I had a lot of love to give. Before our marriage, Villiers and I were open, but it was mostly FWB dates, although Villiers had been in many ENM circumstances before our marriage, with a sort of kitchen table style formation, but it wasn't poly.

I found out about poly 5 years ago. I want love and commitment and not something fleeting, so we did the research. It seemed Villiers was fine with a more casual approach than with poly and was trying to understand how to cope. He was very supportive when I met Mendael, and even met him for drinks, but in the months we were seeing each other it took a toll on him, seeing me in love.

As for now, I can trust that he is willing to do the work, and really hope we can come to an equilibrium where I can continue seeing Mendel again.

Mendel is divorced, with an empty nest (two kids in college). He's poly and seeing someone, mostly LDR, and fine with any kind of configuration, but not entirely sure he wants to invest in something that had to end so abruptly. So now am not sure how to make him feel secure in seeing me again.

 

[delphine]

I'm glad you decided to post. Do you mean you've done endless reading here, or also other sources, websites, books, podcasts? Has Villiers also done his poly reading and research?

Opening Up, Polysecure, Designer Relationships are all great how-to books about polyamory.

After five years of you and Villiers practicing polyamory, plus therapy, I am surprised you still struggle.

You say below that Villiers is mono. It sounds like he resents your being poly. He's threatened by it and maybe only doing it under duress.

Mendel is right to be hesitant. If you and Villiers have a "veto" agreement, that is not fair to anyone you might choose to date, or "commit to." No one wants to date someone whose partner can end their relationship at any time. You're giving your husband too much power and control. It sounds like you already broke Mendel's heart once. Of course he's cautious.

Polyamory is about commitment! If you really love someone, you want to commit to them in some way. There are stages on the relationship escalator. You may not ever live with Mendel, or pool finances, or have kids together, but you may want to plan regular dates, holidays, times to text each other, help each other with your separate homes' chores, go shopping together, meet his extended family, etc., etc. Even if Mendel is always your "secondary," he has rights too. Did you warn him ahead of time that you'd agreed that your husband could demand you end things for his own comfort?

Read this: A Secondary's Bill of Rights

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

Not in your current configuration. Villiers has too much veto power. He isn't fully on board with you being poly.


Ask him what he needs.

Ask Villiers specifically what he needs. More sex? More cuddles? More dates? Vacation time? More quality time, where you aren't texting Villiers?

How often would you like to date Villiers in a week? How often would you like to date Mendel? How many dates per week does each man want/need? Do these mesh with your desires?

Remember to add in "me time" for yourself so you don't get "hinge burn-out."

Look into the Five Love Languages. Some people need more of one kind of love than another:
Gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Touch
Act of service

Sometimes we show our love in OUR way, when it doesn't meet THEIR need.

Also, with three kids, are you able to be a present mother despite having X amount of dates with Mendel a month? Does Villiers take on all the childcare while you're gone, feel unsupported, lonely, bored, taken for granted? Have you missed important kid milestones because you were out with Mendel instead?

Why is this loop never-ending? Was your therapist not poly-friendly? What is missing? Why, after five years, is Villiers not on board with your lovestyle yet?

Hi Magdlyn,

Thank you for answering. Yes, we both have done our research and read Polysecure and a lot of articles.

I'm struggling to understand why Villiers was ok with ENM before our marriage, but is having so much difficulty with poly. He has been living mono for the last decade, so maybe that is the issue? It's not under duress or without any understanding whatsoever, but trying to grasp his feelings? He has some jealousy problems.

Villiers and I date at least once a week and have sex two/three times a week. I had an evening with Mendel once a week, with sporadically a quick lunch, as we are close, but I want to actually make it more frequent and eventually have him meet the children, if all goes well. Two of mine are teens and have their own lives, so they help themselves,. That leaves me with the youngster. So I'm not dropping the ball when it comes to the kids. I have already met one of Mendel's kids, as they are all fine with it.

Villiers love language is definitely Touch and WOA, and maybe I have been unappreciative of how much work he has done on the poly front, but after all this time I thought he would be just ok with it. I wish we were done with all this transition, especially since Villiers has assured me that too. But I guess not... It's exhausting knowing you are not moving forward. I don't do well with stagnancy, hence the endless loop.

We go on vacation a lot as a family, but maybe I should schedule a weekend with DH only. I would like to see Mendel at least one night every other weekend. What we had was very little, and even that was too much.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Magdlyn,

Thank you for answering. Yes, we both have done our research and read Polysecure and a lot of articles.

I'm struggling to understand why Villiers was ok with ENM before our marriage, but is having so much difficulty with poly.

It sounds like he was okay with casual sex, FWBs, fuckbuddies, but is not okay with an emotional fully love-based relationship. Is he afraid he'll lose you? Does he compare himself unfavorably to Mendel?

He has been living mono for the last decade, so maybe that is the issue. It's not under duress or without any understanding whatsoever, but trying to grasp his feelings? He has some jealousy problems.

Yes. And from your reading, you should know that jealousy is based on fear of loss.

Villiers and I date at least once a week and have sex two/three times a week. I had an evening with Mendel once a week, with sporadically a quick lunch, as we are close, but I want to actually make it more frequent and eventually have him meet the children, if all goes well.

Maybe Villiers would prefer Mendel not meet the kids. They're his kids too. Maybe he'd prefer parallel poly, not kitchen table. That's a fine preference to have. If you're trying to negotiate with Villiers to be able to see Mendel and not have Villiers completely veto again, you'll have to carefully negotiate and make some compromises.

Two of mine are teens and have their own lives, so they help themselves,. That leaves me with the youngster. So I'm not dropping the ball when it comes to the kids.

What do you mean, you're left with the youngster? If you go out, doesn't Villiers have to deal with all three kids? Teenagers need care too. They need to be fed, taken to sports and school events, taken to their friends' houses, they have curfews, they're dealing with their own dating/sexuality, they may still need help with homework and life issues (teen angst is real!). Even if the teens are away sleeping over at a friends' house, or on a class trip or something, Villiers is still left with the youngest child. Or can you arrange for a baby sitter so that Mendel can do self care or go out and do something fun on his own or with a friend?

I have already met one of Mendel's kids, as they are all fine with it.

Villiers' love language is definitely Touch and WOA, and maybe I have been unappreciative of how much work he has done on the poly front, but after all this time I thought he would be just ok with it. I wish we were done with all this transition, especially since Villiers has assured me that too. But I guess not... It's exhausting knowing you are not moving forward. I don't do well with stagnancy, hence the endless loop.

We go on vacation a lot as a family, but maybe I should schedule a weekend with DH only.

That might help. Even plan a couple trips a year in advance, just for Mom and Dad. Make him feel like your exciting lover and not just the Dad. Going away and exploring on your own is much different than doing it with the kids.

I would like to see Mendel at least one night every other weekend. What we had was very little, and even that was too much.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello delphine,

I doubt you can make Mendel feel secure and win his trust, unless/until you commit to not break up with him the next time Villiers can't cope. But perhaps you feel that you can guarantee that Villiers will always be able to cope, from now on. From reading this thread, I get the impression that Villiers isn't quite there yet. If I were Mendel I would definitely be wary.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Transitioning back out of living mono, to poly, in a marriage can have its bumps. Adam and I did that and while it wasn't a big deal for me, he had some real struggles at times. He knew it was a case of overcoming societal messages about marriage and what it would mean for his dignity if certain people found out. We still don't tell his extremely judgmental mother, but we also don't live near her.

The transition to the new normal can take years. And I'd be reluctant to say you can *make* either of them feel secure, that feeling is theirs and they will come to it in time, or not. What you can do is be the best hinge you can be. Carve out uninterrupted time with each adult. Be present for your kids, especially the youngster. Don't overshare info between adults. Budget and schedule very well so there are no hardships. . Find your parallel/kitchen table balance, but have the talk with them about contacting each other should you be incapable of doing so. I'm sure there are really good, long articles out there about being a good hinge, I just can't think of any right now. But really, the only thing you can control is your own behaviour.

You can ask Villiers what of your behaviours, real or anticipated, that he is fretting about and then consider if they are ones that you can find an agreement about, and what ones he simply needs to work through in his mind. Does he have a concern about a co-worker seeing you holding hands with Mendel in the street that he then might have to explain? Does he have a concern about you spending money on Mendel that detracts from your household budget? Does he have a concern about you escalating the relationship with Mendel and not knowing if there will be some kind of "end point" where they are co-primary in a model that you spend half your time and money with Mendel? Or something else. Encourage Villiers to be very specific about his fears, understanding that he cannot necessarily articulate them all, but make a plan together to address the ones that he can name.

 

[delphine]

It sounds like he was okay with casual sex, FWBs, fuckbuddies, but is not okay with an emotional fully love-based relationship. Is he afraid he'll lose you? Does he compare himself unfavorably to Mendel?

Yes. And from your reading, you should know that jealousy is based on fear of loss.


Maybe Villiers would prefer Mendel not meet the kids. They're his kids too. Maybe he'd prefer parallel poly, not kitchen table. That's a fine preference to have. If you're trying to negotiate with Villiers to be able to see Mendel and not have Villiers completely veto again, you'll have to carefully negotiate and make some compromises.

What do you mean, you're left with the youngster? If you go out, doesn't Villiers have to deal with all three kids? Teenagers need care too. They need to be fed, taken to sports and school events, taken to their friends' houses, they have curfews, they're dealing with their own dating/sexuality, they may still need help with homework and life issues (teen angst is real!). Even if the teens are away sleeping over at a friends' house, or on a class trip or something, Villiers is still left with the youngest child. Or can you arrange for a baby sitter so that Mendel can do self care or go out and do something fun on his own or with a friend?

That might help. Even plan a couple trips a year in advance, just for Mom and Dad. Make him feel like your exciting lover and not just the Dad. Going away and exploring on your own is much different than doing it with the kids.

Villiers did struggle with low self-esteem in another life, but I think maybe this is a fear of displacement. At this point I feel I already do everything I can to make him feel prioritised, and my cup for transition is kind of full and getting tired of it. At a certain point it's time to get the ball rolling.

My teens know all about it, they're much more open-minded and understanding than me when I was at that age and have no troubles meeting Mendel in the future, if Villiers is not okay with it, then he should have a word with them as the kids are old enough to make their own decisions. It's not that I leave my kids to destitute, they're intelligent and independent enough to ask for help when they need to and we will tend to them. You kind of make it sound I'm neglecting my children while I go out dating, which is not the case here...? We have a family meeting every Monday evening to talk about issues of past week, I came here to share about my husband who is mono and struggling, not my kids.

It's not that Villiers is sitting around the house doing everything. His work is intense and goes out himself to sports, friends and other functions that leaves me alone with the kids is well. We have help/sitters around the house and with the kids, and the kids help too, but it seems whatever I do is not good enough to satisfy to his emotional balance, and wondering if others have been in this predicament.

 

[Magdlyn]

Villiers did struggle with low self-esteem in another life, but I think maybe this is a fear of displacement. At this point I feel I already do everything I can to make him feel prioritised, and my cup for transition is kind of full and getting tired of it. At a certain point it's time to get the ball rolling.

Ah, so you feel like he is just "foot dragging."

My teens know all about it, they're much more open-minded and understanding than me when I was at that age, and have no troubles meeting Mendel in the future. If Villiers is not okay with it, then he should have a word with them, as the kids are old enough to make their own decisions. It's not that I leave my kids to destitute, they're intelligent and independent enough to ask for help when they need to and we will tend to them. You kind of make it sound I'm neglecting my children while I go out dating, which is not the case here...? We have a family meeting every Monday evening to talk about issues of past week, I came here to share about my husband who is mono and struggling, not my kids.

Oh, I'm sorry if I came across that way. I was just putting ideas out there, just suggestions, guesses, as to why Villiers was still struggling after five years. What you're doing with the kids sounds great!

It's not that Villiers is sitting around the house doing everything. His work is intense and goes out himself to sports, friends and other functions that leaves me alone with the kids, as well. We have help/sitters around the house and with the kids, and the kids help too, but it seems whatever I do is not good enough to satisfy to his emotional balance, and wondering if others have been in this predicament.

OK, thanks for sharing more information.

 

[delphine]

Hello delphine,

I doubt you can make Mendel feel secure and win his trust, unless/until you commit to not break up with him the next time Villiers can't cope. But perhaps you feel that you can guarantee that Villiers will always be able to cope, from now on. From reading this thread, I get the impression that Villiers isn't quite there yet. If I were Mendel I would definitely be wary.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin,
Yes, I realize very much I messed up with Mendel and wonder if I could ever get that chance again. The question is how I will guarantee Mendel that Villiers will be able to cope. Villiers has reassured me that before and needs more time to adjust. But how long is long enough for a mono to be ok with this?

 

[Magdlyn]

The question is how I will guarantee Mendel that Villiers will be able to cope.

Or the question could be, how will you cope? You need to make space for a second partner in your life. Villiers could be, to use a gross term, cockblocking you. You have autonomy. Your life doesn't depend on the feelings of Villiers. From what you said, it sounds like you're doing everything right to keep your husband and family on an even keel. Nothing is ever enough, it seems.

Villiers has reassured me that before and needs more time to adjust. But how long is long enough for a mono to be ok with this?

You get to decide how long YOU are willing to wait. There is no set time. How long do YOU want to wait? Another five years? Ten? Thirty?

What specifically is Villiers doing to get okay with you being polyamorous? Is he reading? Getting therapy? If he feels displaced, well, that's part of what agreeing to being with a poly person entails. He has to accept that you are a fully human independent person. It sounds like he gets free time to spend as he wishes. Just the same, you get free time to spend as you wish, and if he has consented to you practicing poly, you might want to spend your free time with another man.

If he has really withdrawn his consent, it sounds like the only kind thing to do is to part ways and become coparents. Not all marriages are going to last forever. My ex h and I tried to practice polyamory, after 20 years together (and we also had other problems that began to outweigh the good things we'd shared). We just couldn't see eye to eye, (after much counseling) and separated after 30 years together, divorcing 3 years after that. Now I can be free to be poly and he can be free to be in a mono relationship (which I am, and he is). It's better this way.

The alternative seems like it would be hell for you, pretending to be mono when you are not.

 

[delphine]

Ah, so you feel like he is just "foot dragging."

Oh, I'm sorry if I came across that way. I was just putting ideas out there, just suggestions, guesses, as to why Villiers was still struggling after five years. What you're doing with the kids sounds great!

OK, thanks for sharing more information.

Yes it's a long endless drag that keeps going in a loop that I/we can't get out of. Basically, everyone is ready to go except Villiers, and I'm kind of done waiting for it. But I'll try to schedule a weekend alone with Villiers every quarter to see if things change and it will work. And thank you for the ideas Magdlyn, can imagine lots of monos must feel very lonely when doing poly.

Transitioning back out of living mono, to poly, in a marriage can have its bumps. Adam and I did that and while it wasn't a big deal for me, he had some real struggles at times. He knew it was a case of overcoming societal messages about marriage and what it would mean for his dignity if certain people found out. We still don't tell his extremely judgmental mother, but we also don't live near her.

The transition to the new normal can take years. And I'd be reluctant to say you can *make* either of them feel secure, that feeling is theirs and they will come to it in time, or not. What you can do is be the best hinge you can be. Carve out uninterrupted time with each adult. Be present for your kids, especially the youngster. Don't overshare info between adults. Budget and schedule very well so there are no hardships. . Find your parallel/kitchen table balance, but have the talk with them about contacting each other should you be incapable of doing so. I'm sure there are really good, long articles out there about being a good hinge, I just can't think of any right now. But really, the only thing you can control is your own behaviour.

You can ask Villiers what of your behaviours, real or anticipated, that he is fretting about and then consider if they are ones that you can find an agreement about, and what ones he simply needs to work through in his mind. Does he have a concern about a co-worker seeing you holding hands with Mendel in the street that he then might have to explain? Does he have a concern about you spending money on Mendel that detracts from your household budget? Does he have a concern about you escalating the relationship with Mendel and not knowing if there will be some kind of "end point" where they are co-primary in a model that you spend half your time and money with Mendel? Or something else. Encourage Villiers to be very specific about his fears, understanding that he cannot necessarily articulate them all, but make a plan together to address the ones that he can name.

How long did your transition take? And are there still very clear "mono bumps", or just regular bumps? Sometimes I feel Villiers was just ok with the ENM/FWB and will never truly be ok with polyamory, which breaks my heart. Kind of feel floating somewhere in between, while I know I don't have to be. So 5 years is not long enough for a transition?

He's mostly needing more time to wrap his head around sharing primary status with someone, while I already spent very little time with Mendel in the first place. He knows I don't like hierarchy, and Mendel doesn't care for labels and as long we have enough quality-time, it was good, but even that I couldn't give him. Only our closest friends and family know, so I will have a word about "coming out", maybe that would be better for him that he gets to do that on his pace instead of me taking the "reigns" when I am out dating.
We have separate finances and household finances. We have no say in what the other does with their own finances. We have talked about several relationship models, but he knows I like equality in partners, and he understands that. That's a hard boundary for me. I will definitely ask more about my hinge behaviour and what he needs from me to feel emotionally secure.

 

[delphine]

Or the question could be, how will you cope? You need to make space for a second partner in your life. Villiers could be, to use a gross term, cockblocking you. You have autonomy. Your life doesn't depend on the feelings of Villiers. From what you said, it sounds like you're doing everything right to keep your husband and family on an even keel. Nothing is ever enough, it seems.

You get to decide how long YOU are willing to wait. There is no set time. How long do YOU want to wait? Another five years? Ten? Thirty?

What specifically is Villiers doing to get okay with you being polyamorous? Is he reading? Getting therapy? If he feels displaced, well, that's part of what agreeing to being with a poly person entails. He has to accept that you are a fully human independent person. It sounds like he gets free time to spend as he wishes. Just the same, you get free time to spend as you wish, and if he has consented to you practicing poly, you might want to spend your free time with another man.

If he has really withdrawn his consent, it sounds like the only kind thing to do is to part ways and become coparents. Not all marriages are going to last forever. My ex h and I tried to practice polyamory, after 20 years together (and we also had other problems that began to outweigh the good things we'd shared). We just couldn't see eye to eye, (after much counseling) and separated after 30 years together, divorcing 3 years after that. Now I can be free to be poly and he can be free to be in a mono relationship (which I am, and he is). It's better this way.

The alternative seems like it would be hell for you, pretending to be mono when you are not.

Wow Magdlyn, did you try 20 years of poly with your previous partner or just the 10 remaining years? That is very long. And you're right, maybe it is better to co-parent. We do a wonderful job already with the kids and have an amazing life together, but I don't want to reach the point of resentment and I might be on the fringe of that. He's not fully drawing his consent, but the pace of how it's unfolding was going too rapid? But coming from an ENM before I didn't think we would massive issues. Guess I was wrong about this Mono/ENM to Poly limbo. Why would he be cockblocking in Poly and not in ENM? Don't really understand...

Villiers is going to therapy and has read a lot of articles and Polysecure and is now reading the book "The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy", so we will have to see where his deep-rooted fear comes from.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi dingedheart,

This time it was mostly my idea. We opened up because I always felt I had a lot of love to give. Before our marriage, Villiers and I were open, but it was mostly FWB dates, although Villiers had been in many ENM circumstances before our marriage, with a sort of kitchen table style formation, but it wasn't poly.

OK, so why is he electing to remain mono?

I found out about poly 5 years ago. I want love and commitment and not something fleeting, so we did the research. It seemed Villiers was fine with a more casual approach than with poly and was trying to understand how to cope. He was very supportive when I met Mendael, and even met him for drinks, but in the months we were seeing each other it took a toll on him, seeing me in love.

Could it be he has more to lose now than before you were married? How or why did you decide to close the relationship? Did he mistakenly assume that chapter was over and had ended?

As for now, I can trust that he is willing to do the work, and really hope we can come to an equilibrium where I can continue seeing Mendel again.

So you can’t trust he’s not going to get frustrated and throw his hands up again. All you're willing to trust is that he’s going to try harder this time... correct ?

Why not announce to both Villiers and Mendel that vetoes are dead? Villiers has no veto power anymore. Tough love kind of thing. You can’t take it, then don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Mendel is divorced, with an empty nest (two kids in college). He's poly and seeing someone, mostly LDR, and fine with any kind of configuration, but not entirely sure he wants to invest in something that had to end so abruptly. So now am not sure how to make him feel secure in seeing me again.

See above.

 

[dingedheart]

What’s gross about cockblocking ?

 

[Skadi]

Hi,

It took me a while, but after endless reading I am finally posting here.
My partner (Villiers) and I have been married for over 10 years with three kids. We opened up around 5 years and it has been with a lot of ups and downs. Last year I met someone (Mendel) with who I see myself being committed to, but DH couldn't cope and I had to break it off with him. We have done the necessary therapy since opening up, and now Mendel and I started to talk again. He's very hesitant to restart things as he doesn't trust Villiers feelings and is afraid I will end things at any moment.
Will it ever get better for a mono to be living with a poly? And how can I make Mendel feel secure and win his trust? How can I make them both feel secure?
I'm really struggling on how to move forward, because this loop seems to not end.

Any advice appreciated.
Delphine

As a lot of people have mentioned before that only you can do what is best for you, and wait out how Villiers will come out of the other side when he is done with his full inner work. Would Villiers ever be up for a conversation with Mendel on how he has evolved? Maybe just a phone call to explain himself?

Myself was in a situation quite similar like this, but I was in Mendel's position. The person I was seeing told me they were fully done with the transition while it not being the case and basically tripping over their own proverbial delusional feet, even having said doing a lot of groundwork and therapy. I couldn't trust the situation and HIM like Mendel, until I had clear evidence that they were solid.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow Magdlyn, did you try 20 years of poly with your previous partner or just the 10 remaining years? That is very long.

No, we tried full-on poly for about 10 months (late 1999-mid 2000). He found a gf. I considered myself poly, but I didn't have time to seek partners because I was homeschooling our three kids (who were still pretty young at the time), and had many other pans on the fire, a big house to take care of, gardens, a lot of animals, my volunteer and paid work, etc. My ex didn't handle his NRE well. He became unavailable for the children, stopped doing things around the house, stopped doing car maintenance, and just wanted to go see her, or call her or email her. I was worried about losing him as a coparent, and needed more help with everything family related. He just wanted to go on all these romantic dates with her (not with me) and I felt really used and taken for granted. So, I told him I couldn't handle it. We did have a veto agreement. I felt bad to use it but I was spiraling into depression. However, when I told him I didn't want him to keep dating her, but they could remain friends on a lesser scale, he lost interest in me for many years, fell out of love with me, all kinds of horror ensued.

As time went on, I realized they were still spending hours calling and emailing each other, and were fully in love, even though seeing each other much less, and not having sex. I realized he was mono and couldn't love both me and her. I was truly displaced.

I had only read the one book on poly available back then, The Ethical Slut. He refused to even read that. We were unable to rebuild our connection. I honestly tried everything. His gf lived 300 miles away, a 5 hour drive, and in the beginning he wanted to spend a 3 day weekend with her every month. He ended up missing some of our kids' milestones while he was swept up in NRE. We did much counseling, couple and individual, and I really tried TOO hard to fix things. I finally gave up in 2008. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time, but I had my reasons.

And you're right, maybe it is better to co-parent. We do a wonderful job already with the kids and have an amazing life together, but I don't want to reach the point of resentment, and I might be on the fringe of that. He's not fully withdrawing his consent, but the pace of how it's unfolding was going too rapid? But coming from an ENM before I didn't think we would massive issues. Guess I was wrong about this Mono/ENM to Poly limbo. Why would he be cockblocking in Poly and not in ENM? Don't really understand...

The simple answer is, some ENM people are fine with the sex, but not the emotional connection. (Say, swingers.) And some people are fine with emotional connections, but not the sex. (Of course, many mono people wouldn't want their spouses to have deep emotional connections OR sex with the gender to which they are attracted.)

Villiers is going to therapy and has read a lot of articles and Polysecure and is now reading the book "The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy", so we will have to see where his deep-rooted fear comes from.

As long as he is working towards becoming more secure, then I guess you could give him more time. But how long? One more year? And then he'll either just have to handle his new place in your life, or leave you if he can't stand it? Move on and be happier single or with someone else, down the road?

I was terrified to break up with my ex because he was making a LOT more money than me. We had this big house, animals, etc. It was very difficult to imagine starting over in a small flat. That's partly why I waited until 2 of our 3 kids were 18+ and could start to support themselves, get different lodging, go away to college, so that I could work full time, and have time to date, and get my own place, etc., etc. Eventually we divorced and I got a good settlement, so it was okay. And I blossomed so much as a person! I ended up with partners who did appreciate me and understood where I was in my life... My ex and I met so young and we'd grown apart. I don't regret anything though. Our relationship didn't fail. It was all part of my life's journey.

 

[delphine]

OK, so why is he electing to remain mono?


Could it be he has more to lose now than before you were married? How or why did you decide to close the relationship? Did he mistakenly assume that chapter was over and had ended?


So you can’t trust he’s not going to get frustrated and throw his hands up again. All you're willing to trust is that he’s going to try harder this time... correct ?

Why not announce to both Villiers and Mendel that vetoes are dead? Villiers has no veto power anymore. Tough love kind of thing. You can’t take it, then don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.


See above.

He is being mono because that what wants, needs and feels like is right for him right now. We closed because we wanted to focus on us, our businesses and the kids, and eventually open up again when the kids were older.

Yes, I'm very much trusting him to work harder this time around, but I think Villiers is emotionally maybe a bit on the slow side and needs more time and space for pace. Or it's in his head. Who knows. I am willing to wait a little bit more and do the necessary work myself.

 

[Bobbi]

Villiers is going to therapy and has read a lot of articles and Polysecure and is now reading the book "The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy", so we will have to see where his deep-rooted fear comes from

I cannot speak for him but I had a LOT of sayings in my head from society about relationships. ”if they truly love you they won’t desire anyone else” “if I desire others it must mean he’s not the one or the love isn’t true” ”having strong feelings for one might make you feel less for another” “in romantic relationships there has to be a number 1 and what if I’m booted from that position as most important thing in their life?”

in my case I was the one exploring poly and wanted it but these things spun in my head really hard. It wasn’t until I actually did it and saw first hand that none of that is true, that I relaxed. I now have 2 life partners, (both are my top priority. I like to think of my hierarchy as orbits. Anyone has the potential to get to the top tier without displacing others from that position. Multiple primary, if you will.) one I live with and one I don’t, And Another partner I see less frequently. I make it a point to be very present when I’m with my partners and show them that no matter what, they have my full love and attention. I made a rule for myself when starting out and that rule was to not let feelings I have about any relationship effect other relationships. I can be full on in NRE but I’ll keep it in check when with other partners to show them they are important to me And I love them. If I cannot be fully present with each of my partners then I reevaluate my time, emotions, or whatever is getting in the way and make a change to fix it.

this might not help Villers but it might be another perspective for you to see.