My husband and I have been in and out of monogamy our whole 18+ yrs together. The latest round was a doozy. I’m poly and he’s mono. I had a LDR with my HS boyfriend for 2+ yrs. The hubs basically came to accept it. We texted all the time and sexted some. There was talk of us seeing each other but it never happened. Since breaking up with him almost a year ago I’ve though about dating again but Covid has kinda made that difficult. My husband has also decided that if I were to date other people then that would mean an end to our sex life and he’s not sure how well he’d cope. We have kids and generally a happy life together. Breaking up just isn’t something either of us want. I wish I felt differently. I wish that the thought of a new relationship didn’t give me butterflies but it does. I put up a dating profile for about 6 hrs. I connected with someone. We had a brief pleasant conversation. I told my husband and he went into panic mode. He was a wreck for days. I deleted the profile ( totally ghosting the other person) got out of all the poly FB groups I was in and have told him I would just let it all go. I’ve lived monogamously for most of our relationship. It’ll be fine.... but what if it’s not fine. I’ve given up a lot of things to take care of our kids and family. This is just one more thing. Thanks for reading.
Mono to poly to mono
- Thread starter Kniqo
- Start date
What were your agreements before you put up the dating profile? If it was Closed, and you put a dating profile up, was that cheating on agreements?
If you are going to give up poly dating so it is Closed enough for husband, what is husband going to do so it is Open enough for you?
Listen to you talk about your poly thoughts and feelings? Be ok with it if you participate in poly groups and have poly friends? Just not actually poly dating anyone?
Or are you supposed to pretend this whole side of you doesn't exist?
Galagirl
If you are going to give up poly dating so it is Closed enough for husband, what is husband going to do so it is Open enough for you?
Listen to you talk about your poly thoughts and feelings? Be ok with it if you participate in poly groups and have poly friends? Just not actually poly dating anyone?
Or are you supposed to pretend this whole side of you doesn't exist?
Galagirl
Marcus
Well-known member
I find that statement to be absolutely heart breaking. It is stunning to be reminded of the things we will do to ourselves in the service of obligation to tradition.
I hope that you find yourself in a place where you can live your life to the fullest, and let other people deal with their own insecurity and disappointment. It sounds like you are currently going to take the lashing and do as traditional obligation demands, but some day I hope you discover that your life actually has value, that you are more than the sum of what you have sacrificed for others, and that the ability to seek happiness should be given a much higher place in your list of priorities.
Inaniel
Well-known member
In your opinion; where does one draw the line when desire is at odds with obligation?
Marcus
Well-known member
I think that's the intellectual battleground; at what point does my own flourishing need to trump my obligation to something or someone else?
The OP is putting obligation to the concept of "to take care of our kids and family", over their own ability to be honest with themselves and flourish. I don't think that's actually accurate framing, because the reality is that what is trumping their flourishing is actually obligation to coddle the insecurity of their current partner. It gets dressed up in lofty phrases like "kids and family", but is that actually at stake? Will the kids and family detonate if the OP says "I am not monogamous, and I'm happy to discuss how this fits into our current dynamic, but I am not willing to just pretend it isn't real and deny myself opportunities related to it"?
Why should obligation to someone never having to deal with their own insecurity be given more respect than someone being able to be honest and explore something valuable to them? I don't think it should.
Hello Kniqo,
It seems you have made your decision: Your husband can't stand the thought of you being poly, and you can't stand the thought of breaking up with him. Therefore, you are going to have to be monogamous. I don't see how you have a choice. If it turns out to not be fine, you'll have to make it fine. Unless you are hoping there's another alternative, something you hadn't thought of? What about the idea of staying married, but in a platonic way? Like, you're just friends to each other, but you call each other husband and wife. What if you were friends with benefits? Then there would not have to be an end to your sex life, and he wouldn't have to cope with that. Meanwhile, you would be free to date outside the marriage. I don't know, this is just the germ of an idea, there might be more to it than what I've stated. And hopefully, monogamy will agree with you well enough that you won't have to investigate that idea.
Good luck,
Kevin T.
It seems you have made your decision: Your husband can't stand the thought of you being poly, and you can't stand the thought of breaking up with him. Therefore, you are going to have to be monogamous. I don't see how you have a choice. If it turns out to not be fine, you'll have to make it fine. Unless you are hoping there's another alternative, something you hadn't thought of? What about the idea of staying married, but in a platonic way? Like, you're just friends to each other, but you call each other husband and wife. What if you were friends with benefits? Then there would not have to be an end to your sex life, and he wouldn't have to cope with that. Meanwhile, you would be free to date outside the marriage. I don't know, this is just the germ of an idea, there might be more to it than what I've stated. And hopefully, monogamy will agree with you well enough that you won't have to investigate that idea.
Good luck,
Kevin T.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Hi and welcome to the forum Kniqo,
First off I think life is too short to deliberately opt for being miserable. There is NO prize for that kind of sacrifice. All kinds of small resentful things will naturally bubble out of such a plan. IMO its like a poisonous drip.
Secondly you’ve already through past words and actions ( the LDR and dating profile etc ) have installed the relationship doomsday clock in your husbands head. This too has a very very corrosive effect on a relationship for all the normal reason. Him not wanting to be a so called jailor, him not wanting to be the reason you’re miserable, him not wanting to be consolation prize or the guy you settled for.
AND lastly if rolls were reversed would you want to stay with someone who was staying with you because of other a hierarchy of outside factors like the kids or splitting up all the stuff and not wanting to be alone, etc ? Good news is you get to keep your spouse the bad news is things are very different now.
And also would you like him stay with you and participate in a poly /mono marriage having outside factors being the main lever. Your kids end up being the crowbar that opened your marriage? And this is more common than people know.
You state “ Since breaking up with him almost a year ago I’ve though about dating again but Covid has kinda made that difficult. My husband has also decided that if I were to date other people then that would mean an end to our sex life and he’s not sure how well he’d cope.”
To me the way this was written it sounds like you knew posting a profile and dating had the consequence at the very least of killing the sex life you had with your husband and that it was a reasonable trade off. Is that correct ?
Is there a sexual disconnect between you. Did you assume he wouldn’t care or might feel the pressure taken off by such action ??
First off I think life is too short to deliberately opt for being miserable. There is NO prize for that kind of sacrifice. All kinds of small resentful things will naturally bubble out of such a plan. IMO its like a poisonous drip.
Secondly you’ve already through past words and actions ( the LDR and dating profile etc ) have installed the relationship doomsday clock in your husbands head. This too has a very very corrosive effect on a relationship for all the normal reason. Him not wanting to be a so called jailor, him not wanting to be the reason you’re miserable, him not wanting to be consolation prize or the guy you settled for.
AND lastly if rolls were reversed would you want to stay with someone who was staying with you because of other a hierarchy of outside factors like the kids or splitting up all the stuff and not wanting to be alone, etc ? Good news is you get to keep your spouse the bad news is things are very different now.
And also would you like him stay with you and participate in a poly /mono marriage having outside factors being the main lever. Your kids end up being the crowbar that opened your marriage? And this is more common than people know.
You state “ Since breaking up with him almost a year ago I’ve though about dating again but Covid has kinda made that difficult. My husband has also decided that if I were to date other people then that would mean an end to our sex life and he’s not sure how well he’d cope.”
To me the way this was written it sounds like you knew posting a profile and dating had the consequence at the very least of killing the sex life you had with your husband and that it was a reasonable trade off. Is that correct ?
Is there a sexual disconnect between you. Did you assume he wouldn’t care or might feel the pressure taken off by such action ??
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Sorry if this is confusing and thanks for your reply. I get where you’re coming from. Generally I’m not miserable. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Raising kids is something I love. I know it’s not for everyone but for me it is. I’m all in for it. I love my husband he’s grown into a great dad and good life partner. I’d hate not being a family unit, as would he. That being said, I’ve been polyamorous if not by name but by feeling my whole dating life. I grew up in the burbs with no clue that polyamory was even a thing. My husband and my relationship started while I was still with my bf. BF and I had an open relationship though neither of us really had language for it. It ended up being a don’t ask don’t tell kind of situation because we were young and didn’t really know better. Once he popped back up after over a decade all the old feelings were there. It’s like they never left. I felt totally high. We ended up sexting before I had talked to my husband about any of it really. The next morning I told my husband and the shit hit the fan. I have no excuse other than NRE and nostalgia taking hold. Because I had dated both of them at the same time before my hubs and I got married I didn’t really think it was going to be such a huge deal. We never really discussed a relationship agreement or what the expectations of our partnership were. I’d broken up with my bf and my hubs thought it was for him. I had told him at the time it was for other reasons. 2 years later we got married and we were monogamous for like 8-9 years. Nothing was ever really said about monogamy or non-monogamy. I was busy doing what I felt was important and he assumed that because we got married that polyamory was off the table. We were having issues with our sexual relationship so I told him why don’t you just find someone else to have sex with. I needed a break. We’d had our first child by then and I was frankly sick of his sulky attitude about not getting laid enough. We talked and talked. He put up a dating profile all the while saying I should also. I kept telling him no I’m not really interested in it right now. He went on one date that was ok but I think awkward for both of them. He encouraged me again to do the same so I did. I was mostly looking for other people in poly relationships to talk too. I was interested in how it worked for them. I didn’t have any reference point and I just wanted information on how these kind of relationships worked. I talked to a couple different guys. I hit it off with one and just as we were trying to set a date up the hubs quashed the whole thing. I was crushed. I didn’t realize how much is missed the company of other men. As a teen I mostly hung out with boys. My best friends were always guys. Since getting married guy friends weren’t really a thing anymore. My close friendships eventually shifted to all women because frankly my husband’s choice in male friends and mine are very different. Once my bf and I had reconnected and things had kind of settled my hubs and I had our second child. Our sex life had had a bit of an uptick because of the sexual energy generated by BF and I. Being with the two of them again even though I never was with BF physically was so uplifting. My H said he was fine with my BF but couldn’t really see that transferring to another person. Since we’d already kind of been in this situation he was able to handle it better. I honestly thought I’d be with them both for a lot longer. I didn’t think finding a new relationship would really be necessary. Unfortunately things ended suddenly with my bf. My H and I have tried to work out a compromise where I could anonymously chat with men and sext with them but it’s not really my thing. I want the connection and intimacy. He’s said if I need to date other people then we can stay married, raise our kids together and be friends/partners but he’d have to cut off romantic/sexual feelings for me because it would be to painful. I’m just not interested in a relationship like that with him. Honestly I don’t know of it would be sustainable anyway. Sorry to dump all this out here but it feels better to put it somewhere.
I'm glad it feels good to vent, and you can do it all you want here, safely. You can even just start a blog here if you don't want or need advice or feedback on something specific, and just want to explore your feelings.
I'd have to say that if your h was fairly OK with you taking back up with your ex, he might adjust to you being with someone else. He feels, right now, that he wouldn't want to have sex with you again. But that feeling could evolve, as he gets used to the new arrangement. He fears losing you, probably, despite your expressed lack of desire to leave him and the kids, and to ride the escalator to great heights with someone else. That makes him feel insecure, and lose desire.
Baby steps. Who knows who is out there for you? You might get lucky and find a great person and end up in a nice primary/secondary parallel thing for years, and then it could evolve into a KTP co-primary thing where you split your week between 2 houses, as the kids get more independent. There's just no telling.
Life is full of change and we all need to be flexible like a willow tree. Bend but don't break.
I'd have to say that if your h was fairly OK with you taking back up with your ex, he might adjust to you being with someone else. He feels, right now, that he wouldn't want to have sex with you again. But that feeling could evolve, as he gets used to the new arrangement. He fears losing you, probably, despite your expressed lack of desire to leave him and the kids, and to ride the escalator to great heights with someone else. That makes him feel insecure, and lose desire.
Baby steps. Who knows who is out there for you? You might get lucky and find a great person and end up in a nice primary/secondary parallel thing for years, and then it could evolve into a KTP co-primary thing where you split your week between 2 houses, as the kids get more independent. There's just no telling.
Life is full of change and we all need to be flexible like a willow tree. Bend but don't break.
Thank you so much! It’s so true we don’t know how life will change. Your thoughts bring me hope.
I hope you feel better airing some of that out.
You might consider making paragraphs so it's easier to read so you get more responses to your subsequent posts.
Do you get enough connection and intimacy with husband?
It sounds like you got married without really talking. And also went this long married and not really talking. How much emotional intimacy and mental intimacy do you both actually share with each other?
I see you don't want to break up. What is "family unit" to you? To him? Are you both starting to talk about that and what that looks like in this next chapter? So you aren't both in this next chapter only in service to the family or just going through the motions?
Are you talking about what each of you needs to be happy in this next chapter together? What does he need to be happy? What do you need to be happy? If you give up poly dating so it's Closed enough for him... what's he willing to do so it's Open enough for you? Is he going to talk to you more about your poly thoughts and feelings?
So like a platonic marriage where you both see other people for romance and sex?
But remain legally marriage for health insurance and other benefits for you and the kids?
That's his offer if you decide you want to pursue poly dating? How would this be better than a straight up divorce for him esp when you aren't interested in that kind of relationship?
You don't have to rush into these conversations or into any decisions. You just broke up with someone and there's been a lot of upset recently with spouse. But do eventually lean in and talk honestly and authentically with each other bit by bit about the things that mattter. Take it slow, but do get around to doing it.
If you cannot do that with a spouse... talk honestly and authentically? Why are you spouses in the first place?
Galagirl
You might consider making paragraphs so it's easier to read so you get more responses to your subsequent posts.
Do you get enough connection and intimacy with husband?
It sounds like you got married without really talking. And also went this long married and not really talking. How much emotional intimacy and mental intimacy do you both actually share with each other?
I see you don't want to break up. What is "family unit" to you? To him? Are you both starting to talk about that and what that looks like in this next chapter? So you aren't both in this next chapter only in service to the family or just going through the motions?
Are you talking about what each of you needs to be happy in this next chapter together? What does he need to be happy? What do you need to be happy? If you give up poly dating so it's Closed enough for him... what's he willing to do so it's Open enough for you? Is he going to talk to you more about your poly thoughts and feelings?
So like a platonic marriage where you both see other people for romance and sex?
But remain legally marriage for health insurance and other benefits for you and the kids?
That's his offer if you decide you want to pursue poly dating? How would this be better than a straight up divorce for him esp when you aren't interested in that kind of relationship?
You don't have to rush into these conversations or into any decisions. You just broke up with someone and there's been a lot of upset recently with spouse. But do eventually lean in and talk honestly and authentically with each other bit by bit about the things that mattter. Take it slow, but do get around to doing it.
If you cannot do that with a spouse... talk honestly and authentically? Why are you spouses in the first place?
Galagirl
We kind of discussed things after the baby was born but he was relatively comfortable with what was going on between bf and I. He noticed it ramped up our sex life and so he was mostly on board. He knew seeing my bf in person wasn’t going to happen often if ever. It made it easier for him to ignore.
The relationship I had with my bf ended very suddenly. He was having several mental health issues and texted me some pretty scary things. It broke my heart. I felt there was no choice but to break contact. My H was supportive and helped comfort me over the break up.
We have had a few conversations about polyamory over the past year but it mostly ended in me conceding. The thought of going through what I know would be hell for an unknown person seems extremely daunting.
I wish I could explain my feelings in a way he could really understand. I’ve tried for years to get my view on love and commitment across to him. I honestly think fear just blocks out most of what I’m saying. When he’s afraid it’s visceral and unsustainable. When things are good between us and we are in harmony amazing things can happen. When not, it’s been awful. We’ve nearly broken up before but decided to stay together.
Thanks again for prompting me to be more thoughtful about certain aspects of our relationship.
Could talk because you want to be authentic you in this relationship with husband.
Cuz it sounds like hell to go around with bits of you hidden or bottled up. Is that happening here? DH gets afraid or whatever... and then you stop because you don't want to see him hurting. But then you go around with things unsaid or unshared?
So... is he going to work on this? Or can he only deal with loving a certain "picture" of you and he doesn't really want to know all of you?
I wrote about that stuff in my blog thread here starting with post #6
GalaGirl: Conversations Already in Progress.
'Tis my thread. Welcome to my brain. It's conversations already in progress in here. You just jump in and try to keep up. If you can. ;) But I wanted to have a single thread to dump the things I write to other people's posts that I want to come back to think about some more. Or things I...
polyamory.com
Maybe it helps you talk to husband.
Again... it doesn't work for anyone. But if he's super fearful, and what he needs to feel good and safe participating here is a CLOSED relationship? And you are willing to do that?
How much OPEN is he willing to give so you in turn can also feel good and safe participating here and not like he only wants to love a "sanitzed" version of you so you go around bottled up?
It can't be like you carrying the whole relationship by subsuming or hiding bits of yourself, right? How would that be healthy or authentic living for YOU?
Well... sounds like you started to talk in counseling but got distracted with the baby things.
Me? I would not have had kids with DH before talking this stuff out. In your case, it sounds like you have to do some "catch up conversations" maybe?
Galagirl
dingedheart
Well-known member
thank you for the additional info I think it really helps to get a clearer picture of the situation.
So mid way through your marriage you had some toe dipping into the poly pool. And it was a mutual thing albeit brief. I’m assuming when hubs quashed the whole thing there was a long conversation on why or rather ALL the whys. To me this sort of sounds like he’s / you are trying to outsource need fulfillment and him worried what he’s going to lose.
How much time was there between the 8-9 yr event and when the old bf reappeared and you took a liberty?
How long did It take for hubs to “ get over “ the affair and sexting with the bf. Initially shit hit the fan. What was the process like immediately afterwards?
It sounds like he was pretty upfront on the perimeters of what he could take or What he didn’t want on his side of the marriage. Any mixed signals or saying things to lead you to believe he says one thing but actually wants something else ?
So sometime after the conclusion of your LDR romance with your old bf and before you posted your online dating profile you and hubs have this conversation dating and sexting etc. HE clearly states that if you want to date and be sexual with other men that your romantic life with him is over. AND THEN you posted a profile and started talking with a local guy. I think all of these strong bold acts individually and collectively mean you‘re not wired for a monogamous marriage.
I agree with mags “ Who knows who is out there for you? You might get lucky and find a great person and end up in a nice primary/secondary parallel thing for years, and then it could evolve into a KTP co-primary thing where you split your week between 2 houses, as the kids get more independent. There's just no telling.” I a just don’t think it’s going to include you husband. The beautiful dream of co-primary 50/50 house split is exactly at the bottom of the slippery slope for him. Cut him free from that AND cut yourself free to find that for yourself And or to be your authentic Self.
I don’t see this as an issue of not knowing how the other spouse feels and thinks. But rather what I do and what I don’t want to participate in. Someone i know the other day said sex to them is like a good massage. A feel good event that lasts 60-90 minutes that you need water afterward. Others give it a sacred intimate expression to their spouse or partner. From your historical baseline it sounds like both of you are closer to the bodily function side of the spectrum digging deeper on what sex means to you might help decide what’s critically important and how to get those needs met.