Mono trying to support Poly wife.

[Ryston]

Hello,

I am a monogamous male, married for about 12 years to my wife who... well recently but not recently revealed to me she is poly.
I am here to explore if this can work for me and read about strategies for coping with some of the negative emotions I'm sure to go through.
I do experience compersion, or something sort of like it anyways so that's nice, but ... I just don't know if this will work for me. This didn't start off the best way but I think I can move past that part.

Anyways, here to learn, but also... I want to check this for red flags. I don't want to make this into a bashing on my wife session, but some things happened in a less than ideal manner. I figure if there's a community that will be able to help me see her side it's this one. Please give me your feedback and thoughts. I get that she had anxiety and fear coming out to me as poly and that can drive poor word choices, but I am the kind of person who would let that excuse fly for more than it should and this... this is a big step.

Okay, story time.

She has asked me if I was interested in poly periodically over the years. I always answered some form of, "Intellectually it makes sense, but emotionally I think I'd have a lot of boundaries. I had some curiosities, but not really an interest." I'd ask about her thoughts and she would say she was on the same page. My dumbass never connected that she wouldn't be bringing it up periodically like that if it was true.

This Monday and she told me, "Hey what do you think about Poly" and I started giving the same answer, and she said, "Well what if it was someone we knew?". I said that would probably make it easier for me, and she said good... because she had been flirting with one of our mutual friends and wanted to ask him out. I told her I'd need some time to reflect on my emotions and she said that was fine, to take all the time I need but that "No was not an acceptable answer." She really stressed that she didn't know if he was interested back and didn't want it to take too long because it might drift to the friendzone.

After a tough 24 hours I told her I thought I found the ultimatum really unacceptable, but otherwise thought I could be okay with this but needed to read some of the chat logs. I didn't want to invade their privacy, but I had a lot of fears this was being approached without respect for me or my feelings. So I read the chat and the good news is that the guy was being super concerned about my feelings. The bad news is she had asked him out about two days prior and they had cybered a lot after that; or at least i think so, I stopped reading around there figuring that was their private stuff and I had the answer that I needed. Fears assuaged but with a new concern she had lied about the timing, I told her I'd think about it.

I was happy for her and him though. He's a good guy, and if I was going to choose a partner for her he's a good choice. They had some really great chemistry, and so I opened a group chat and told them they had my blessing, but that I was really hurt and needed to reflect on this to know how if or how I saw myself fitting into this.

I told her I didn't feel loved and reminded her that acts of service is the love language I respond to best; and asked if she could please just clean the house some. It's dumb and maybe weird but I feel loved when she does that. I went to bed at 1030, she stayed up till 6am chatting with him and did no chores.

A tougher 24 hours and I told her that I wanted a divorce. She cried and told me I had lied to her, that I had said I would be open to this and I wasn't. That she had told me like I asked her to and now I was punishing her with divorce. I told her that I had not given consent to start this and that she was the one who took "no" away as an option. I wish I could pretend those words weren't spoken or didn't mean what they meant but... that just wasn't possible.

Lots of crying and I agreed to a legal separation and couples therapy instead, as long as they kept the relationship cyber until I was ready.

It's been a couple of days, I've ugly cried, I've thrown pity parties and I've posted most of it in chat so they can both see what they are asking me to go through for their happiness. I just threw my insecurities and self hate out there, and she has done a good job of reassuring me. She also started being loving and caring towards me and has done a ton of chores; but the reality is I clearly communicated my needs and she ignored them until she saw there could be consequences.

I know this is a rough start to things, but I think it's a workable one. I am here to read about advice on how to cope with jealousy, which for me mostly manifests when I think of her sexually - I picture her having sex with him and it hurts in a way that ruins any ability to be attracted to her in that moment. She needs more attention than I can give regularly. I try but I feel annoyed at her frequent interrupts and I don't like that it makes her feel annoying. A second person could help with that.

But I'm kind of a sucker and I would walk right past red flags. I am walking past red flags. Poly friends of mine have told me that. Quite bluntly. So I am posting this to see. It doesn't sound like poly is a safe or comfortable journey for most, a necessary one, but one fraught with hurt feelings and I am telling myself this is just our rough start and we'll get past it.

Any and all feedback is welcome. I know the forum has guidelines but ... have at it. I'm pretty numb right now, I just want your honest thoughts and opinions, even those hostile to me in this.

I am especially interested to hear peoples thoughts on how reprogrammable my jealousy reaction is. I'm sure people on this forum have been, had, or heard of monos trying to overcome jealousy responses like this. How has that gone?

(in reading other threads, I see people regard jealousy and compersion to be opposites. I can see that. They seem mutually exclusive in a given moment to me, so I'll try to clarify. Her emotional bond with him and excitement for the relationship makes me happy for her. The thought of me being with her physically now causes a mental image of him having sex with her, which causes really intense jealousy and some disgust. This is what I hope to reprogram.)

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out. I am sorry you struggle.

I am not going to be hostile to you.

Feeling numb? That's a clue that this is NOT a good thing. You are under great stress. Your body/mind goes numb trying to protect itself. So good that you are seeking other voices if you can't figure out what to do.

Honestly? I'm a poly person. And this whole thing would turn me off. No, thanks.

At minimum? I suggest you slow all this down and tell her NO. "Open to consideration and preparation" is not "Just jump in full steam ahead this minute."

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. It was not joyfully given, and seeing her behave like this? Does not seem to inspire confidence. So... she could go on without you. But let you off this bus first. You don't want to go to Poly Town with her all wacky like THIS.

Then she is free TO pursue poly however she wants. Even all wackadoo.

And you are free FROM poly stuff that you don't want.

I told her I'd need some time to reflect on my emotions and she said that was fine, to take all the time I need but that "No was not an acceptable answer."

Looking out for my own well being is my responsibility. My consent to do things or not belongs to me. "No" is always an option for me to say. The other person doesn't have to like hearing it. I'm still gonna say it.

She really stressed that she didn't know if he was interested back and didn't want it to take too long because it might drift to the friendzone.

I thought he was ALREADY a friend, so really, what's the loss? Nothing.

A tougher 24 hours and I told her that I wanted a divorce.

Fair enough.

She wants to change the old marriage agreements to something else and this "New Deal" is not for you?

Could say so and bow out. Then she can be free TO pursue polyamory and you can be free FROM polyamory.

I'd rather see that. It's cleaner than doing wonky poly.

She cried and told me I had lied to her, that I had said I would be open to this and I wasn't. That she had told me like I asked her to and now I was punishing her with divorce. I told her that I had not given consent to start this and that she was the one who took "no" away as an option. I wish I could pretend those words weren't spoken or didn't mean what they meant but... that just wasn't possible.

Why do you want to take back the truth? You did not consent.

You don't sound like you want to do poly stuff in a rush, underprepared, and do not sound esp excited about it in general. Preferring to bow out? That's not "punishing her." That's looking out for YOU.

You do not say "No" for her. You say it for YOU to keep you safe from shenanigans. In any relationship, monogamous or poly or whatever else? You have to be able to say "No, thanks. I love you a lot. But but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

• Wanna jump off this bridge? No, thanks.
• Wanna poke this bear? No, thanks.
• Wanna eat this chocolate you are super allergic to? No, thanks.
• Wanna do poly when you prefer monogamy and I jumped the gun flirting with this dude that I want to to pursue and I don't want to hear it if you tell me no so tell me yes to doing poly? And hurry up before he loses interest. No, thanks.

If you just don't want to participate in anything poly all? Or wonky sounding poly? You do not have to. She cannot MAKE YOU.

It may mean you have to split up because you are not compatible any more. You seemed willing to do that.

Lots of crying and I agreed to a legal separation and couples therapy instead, as long as they kept the relationship cyber until I was ready.

What if you are never ready? Do you even want to be here in the first place? Or was this you going numb and saying whatever in the moment to make the barrage stop?

Is it that you have a hard time when she cries at you? A big softie, and you give in to her wants... even to your own detriment?

If you wanted a divorce... why change the plan? I could see visiting a couples therapist to help you have a more peaceful divorce and some guidance and support through the process. Is that why?

Have you found a therapist?

Have you done your soul searching?

• Are you firmly monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and firmly monogamous (prefer 1:1 relationships)? So no point in bending into pretzels? Faster to just accept this is NOT what you signed up for and you don't want any?
  
  
• Do you think you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie), and relationship shape flexible like you could do monogamy or be an end point in a poly V.... just not with HER because she behaves so ugh? So just skipping it all is easier than being put through the wringer?
  
  
• Are doing stuff just to keep her around or avoid a break up?
  
  
• Something else?

I gave this to my kids. I think it could help people of all ages.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

But I'm kind of a sucker and I would walk right past red flags. I am walking past red flags. Poly friends of mine have told me that. Quite bluntly. So I am posting this to see. It doesn't sound like poly is a safe or comfortable journey for anyone, and I am telling myself this is just our rough start and we'll get past it.

I would listen to your friends who know you in real life. You seem to recognize there's red flags here yourself too.

So... why do you ignore red flags? If you do not feel good or safe doing this, if you are going numb... what has to happen for you to get around to honoring your own well being? Are you able to trust your own self to make decisions to keep you safe and away from shenanigans?

I'm just some internet stranger and I don't know any of you. But this doesn't sound great to me. I'd give it a pass.

As a poly person?

I'm not hearing that either of you did ANY kind of preparation. Lack of preparation and not communicating well with each other are both big pitfalls.

She sounds like she steam rolls right over you in her NRE crush weird, which to me is poor behavior. If I were her new partner? I'd be watching like "Oh, so you treat your spouse like this when I'm the New Shiny Person. So if/when in this polyship you get another partner, then you will treat both spouse AND me poorly like this when you are all NRE obsessed over the next New Shiny Person? This is great for me HOW?"

I'd be watching you too. Because you don't sound like it's "joyful yes" consent. It's more like being railroaded into it, wanting to save yourself and get out, then getting sucked back in because of your soft feelings for her and/or wanting to avoid breaking up/facing changes in your life.

If I'd been your friend before all this? I would think "Ugh, this sounds like me walking into a mess. I'll pass."

And I would tell you "Friends, you don't sound healthy, you don't sound prepared for poly. And I'm not into drama. I'm gonna pass. I hope things get better for you both whether you continue in the marriage or not."

Because I don't need to become collateral damage in some married couple's weird. I also don't want to contribute to your misery. Whatever you have going on with your wife? Y'all can sort that out without me in it.

I'd rather exercise my "No, thanks" instead.

I don't know that helps you any. I could be wrong... but you sound like you are heading into some murky waters if you don't put the brakes on. Sad as it is... if she's hell bent on doing wackadoo? Save yourself and get out of the way.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I noticed you added some extra stuff.

I want to lift this up -- some poly people never experience compersion. It isn't like compersion is some kind of poly goal.

Some poly people experience jealousy. It isn't like it is gone or never happens.

It is possible for you to feel glad for her that she's making a new connection and AT THE SAME TIME feel sad, upset, and not thrilled for your own self. Because you don't want to be doing anything poly and are in anticipatory grief. Even if you aren't ready to "say that out loud."

There are threads here from people who are like "We are great together except for this one little thing" but if one person really values monogamy and the other wants polyamory? It is NOT a "little" thing. It is mutually exclusive wants. Totally opposite things. And trying to make that kite fly ANYWAY can lead to a lot of damage, resentments, and ugh.

I am especially interested to hear peoples thoughts on how reprogrammable my jealousy reaction is. I'm sure people on this forum have been, had, or heard of monos trying to overcome jealousy responses like this. How has that gone?

It varies. Mono-poly relationships can happen. But in the healthy ones? I don't think the mono person is experiencing intense jealousy or disgust that their hinge partner has another lover. And other people are not you.

So YOUR willingness? YOUR ability? YOUR core values that you want to hang on to and not change? That's all stuff only you can answer.

If it were me in your shoes? I would prefer taking a time out to do poly prep work and deal with these issues WITHOUT someone else "waiting in the wings" or wife trying to make me the "gatekeeper" of how her other relationship goes or gets to start having sex or whatever. That's a lot of pressure and that isn't fair.

My concern is that you sound like you are going through the stages of grief in quick succession. And this whole part to me?

The thought of me being with her physically now causes a mental image of him having sex with her, which causes really intense jealousy and some disgust. This is what I hope to reprogram.)

Sounds like bargaining stage of grief to me. Like you don't really want to be doing this. But if you could fix just this one thing... then maybe you could do it and you don't have to break up.

Again I could be wrong in my impressions. I'm sorry that you are going through this hardship right now. My only suggestion is to say a plain NO or at least slow this down.

Schedule the therapist. You can try to find a poly knowledgable one.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

If after some counseling to cool heads off? If you both decide to take a time out?

Or if you have had a chance to cool your head but she's still wanting to rush headlong into wonky? Poly hell to the max?

Maybe go ahead with the legal separation if not outright divorce. Get out of the way and get out of the splash zone.

One of you move out. Figure out financial boundaries and responsibilities. And if you have kids, the child care/child custody stuff. Each one of you can date (or not date) however you see fit. Stop sharing sex with each other. Separate what you can separate.

Then after a year of "time out" and you have both experienced life in different way? You can decide if you want to work to repair and rebuild the marriage or go on to final divorce.

Some choices in life are not like "win" and "lose." Some of them are like "This choice stinks" and "this other choice also stinks." So then it becomes "Well, which one stinks less? "

Galagirl

 

[Ryston]

I hope you feel better for airing out. I am sorry you struggle.

I am not going to be hostile to you.

Feeling numb? That's a clue that this is NOT a good thing. You are under great stress. Your body/mind goes numb trying to protect itself. So good that you are seeking other voices if you can't figure out what to do.

Honestly? I'm a poly person. And this whole thing would turn me off. No, thanks.

At minimum? I suggest you slow all this down and tell her NO. "Open to consideration and preparation" is not "Just jump in full steam ahead this minute."

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. It was not joyfully given, and seeing her behave like this? Does not seem to inspire confidence. So... she could go on without you. But let you off this bus first. You don't want to go to Poly Town with her all wacky like THIS.

Then she is free TO pursue poly however she wants. Even all wackadoo.

And you are free FROM poly stuff that you don't want.



Looking out for my own well being is my responsibility. My consent to do things or not belongs to me. "No" is always an option for me to say. The other person doesn't have to like hearing it. I'm still gonna say it.



I thought he was ALREADY a friend, so really, what's the loss? Nothing.



Fair enough.

She wants to change the old marriage agreements to something else and this "New Deal" is not for you?

Could say so and bow out. Then she can be free TO pursue polyamory and you can be free FROM polyamory.

I'd rather see that. It's cleaner than doing wonky poly.



Why do you want to take back the truth? You did not consent.

You don't sound like you want to do poly stuff in a rush, underprepared, and do not sound esp excited about it in general. Preferring to bow out? That's not "punishing her." That's looking out for YOU.

You do not say "No" for her. You say it for YOU to keep you safe from shenanigans. In any relationship, monogamous or poly or whatever else? You have to be able to say "No, thanks. I love you a lot. But but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

• Wanna jump off this bridge? No, thanks.
• Wanna poke this bear? No, thanks.
• Wanna eat this chocolate you are super allergic to? No, thanks.
• Wanna do poly when you prefer monogamy and I jumped the gun flirting with this dude that I want to to pursue and I don't want to hear it if you tell me no so tell me yes to doing poly? And hurry up before he loses interest. No, thanks.

If you just don't want to participate in anything poly all? Or wonky sounding poly? You do not have to. She cannot MAKE YOU.

It may mean you have to split up because you are not compatible any more. You seemed willing to do that.



What if you are never ready? Do you even want to be here in the first place? Or was this you going numb and saying whatever in the moment to make the barrage stop?

Is it that you have a hard time when she cries at you? A big softie, and you give in to her wants... even to your own detriment?

If you wanted a divorce... why change the plan? I could see visiting a couples therapist to help you have a more peaceful divorce and some guidance and support through the process. Is that why?

Have you found a therapist?

Have you done your soul searching?

• Are you firmly monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and firmly monogamous (prefer 1:1 relationships)? So no point in bending into pretzels? Faster to just accept this is NOT what you signed up for and you don't want any?
  
  
• Do you think you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie), and relationship shape flexible like you could do monogamy or be an end point in a poly V.... just not with HER because she behaves so ugh? So just skipping it all is easier than being put through the wringer?
  
  
• Are doing stuff just to keep her around or avoid a break up?
  
  
• Something else?

I gave this to my kids. I think it could help people of all ages.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I would listen to your friends who know you in real life. You seem to recognize there's red flags here yourself too.

So... why do you ignore red flags? If you do not feel good or safe doing this, if you are going numb... what has to happen for you to get around to honoring your own well being? Are you able to trust your own self to make decisions to keep you safe and away from shenanigans?

I'm just some internet stranger and I don't know any of you. But this doesn't sound great to me. I'd give it a pass.

As a poly person?

I'm not hearing that either of you did ANY kind of preparation. Lack of preparation and not communicating well with each other are both big pitfalls.

She sounds like she steam rolls right over you in her NRE crush weird, which to me is poor behavior. If I were her new partner? I'd be watching like "Oh, so you treat your spouse like this when I'm the New Shiny Person. So if/when in this polyship you get another partner, then you will treat both spouse AND me poorly like this when you are all NRE obsessed over the next New Shiny Person? This is great for me HOW?"

I'd be watching you too. Because you don't sound like it's "joyful yes" consent. It's more like being railroaded into it, wanting to save yourself and get out, then getting sucked back in because of your soft feelings for her and/or wanting to avoid breaking up/facing changes in your life.

If I'd been your friend before all this? I would think "Ugh, this sounds like me walking into a mess. I'll pass."

And I would tell you "Friends, you don't sound healthy, you don't sound prepared for poly. And I'm not into drama. I'm gonna pass. I hope things get better for you both whether you continue in the marriage or not."

Because I don't need to become collateral damage in some married couple's weird. I also don't want to contribute to your misery. Whatever you have going on with your wife? Y'all can sort that out without me in it.

I'd rather exercise my "No, thanks" instead.

I don't know that helps you any. I could be wrong... but you sound like you are heading into some murky waters if you don't put the brakes on. Sad as it is... if she's hell bent on doing wackadoo? Save yourself and get out of the way.

Galagirl

Thank you so, so very much for taking the time. I see you also noticed my frequent edits and responded to those. I am really grateful.

Yes the numbness is absolutely a defense thing and these are absolutely stages of grief I am going through.

Thank you for the therapy link, I do not have an established relationship with any therapist unfortunately, it was that item on the todo list I never got to. I made an appointment for today but they cancelled it and I haven't rescheduled yet. I will check out that link to try and get someone whose background matches what I am going through.

Your splitting of emotional and physical exclusivity is a useful paradigm. I am open to loving multiple people emotionally, and indeed the emotional bond they share is the part I am non-threatened by and even welcoming of: but physically I am only interested in the one partner. I have fantasies about sex with other women but strictly as a fantasy, not as an aspiration or something I would want to really experience. Kind of like you want to watch a zombie movie you don't want to be in a zombie apocalypse. This is the part of their relationship that I have problems with.

Luckily we have no children, just two dogs (who will be heart broken) and a cat (who will probably get over it in a week.)

I do have an answer for why I made a concession on the divorce front. It hurts her, and I am loathe to do that. She says she never wanted that and wishes she had never started this whole thing, and I get that - but she's also been drinking and smoking marijuana excessively these last couple of months and she says it has been to numb her feelings for this man. They seem to have something really genuine. She has needs, particularly for frequent attention beyond what I have ever been able to consistently fulfill. It's always been a source of unhappiness for both of us and this guy has 0 problems meeting that. Without me realizing what the mechanism is, it's been a great few months.

All of that to say I do not want to pressure her to end her new relationship if it brings her so much. Doing so would chase off what seems like a really great guy for her and the underlying problem would still remain. She needs more than I alone can offer. Maybe she can find that in one right partner or maybe she needs multiple partners, but she cannot get it all from me.

I think your advice of a divorce with an agreement to revisit later sounds really good. I've been reflecting on what drives my jealousy and disgust reactions to the thought of her physical intimacy with others and I think the jealousy part comes from a sense of ownership. I'm explicitly ashamed of that but refusing to call a thing what it is wouldn't change it. Severing the existing relationship structure would likely be a necessary step towards polyamory.

The disgust part... I don't know yet. I have some ideas but I think I need to talk with a therapist about them to understand it.

 

[Ryston]

So... why do you ignore red flags? If you do not feel good or safe doing this, if you are going numb... what has to happen for you to get around to honoring your own well being? Are you able to trust your own self to make decisions to keep you safe and away from shenanigans?

...

Galagirl

As for my ignoring of red flags, well, I have issues. Part of why this divorce idea hurts so much is that we both have or had issues, and we've done a lot of growing over those 12 years to improve those. The presence of one another have shaped our growth, and we've often made analogies to intertwined trees. That's ... a sweet image but it's also co-dependent.

My older sister was abused and I was not. I have a lot of survivors guilt, and in some ways I married a woman who had been through trauma similar to my sisters and provided nearly unconditional love while she healed from that. This was not great. She needed that kind of safety, but it should not have come from a romantic partner. I like to think I did more good than harm in this, but harm was absolutely done. Both of us had a sense (which I always tried to bury and verbaly deny, but that doesn't mean she never felt it) she didn't really deserve the relationship during some stages; and that is crushing to a persons self esteem. She can still be inappropriately selfish at times because she has had to get numb to feelings of indebtednes and reciprocity in her relationship. I caused this.

I also really resented my parents for their divorce and took commitment waaaaaay too seriously as a result. As long as I could make an unhealthy thing work I could clutch my anger and hatred for what their failure did to our childhood. I needed to hate them for it, it shielded me from the survivors guilt. It was fucked up, and on some level it tolerated and enabled my wife to have outbursts of anger she would need to cope with shame for later.

I can talk about these things because they are issues we have resolved, well... as much as one can anyways, and with hindsight comes understanding neither of us had as we went through them. But... yea, I lost my red flag sensor. I have set aside my need to hate my parents and that's great for me but indulging that dark bit of my psychology effectively trained her that some unhealthy behaviors were OK. I spoiled her; and I owe it to her to now set boundaries and help her correct those habits. We've been doing that for about three years now and she's doing really well (the way this played out being an example of her still sometimes acting just... really selfishly.)

Anyways. Thank you for listening. Thank you for responding and giving helpful and insightful feedback. I will speak with a therapist before making any major decisions and hold things as they are until then. We are mostly sleeping separately though she still wants hugs and snuggle sometimes, and most of the time that does feel nice. We are not having sex and I am adamant we maintain that until we've gone through therapy and come up with an action plan.

EDIT: As I reread this, it really shows a lack of holding her responsible for self agency. That... might be an underlying truth, but it's also just a quirk of the way this was expressed. I gave her the support she needed to heal from her past but figuring out how to heal and going through those difficult steps with her family was her own journey.

I put unhealthy emotions into her path and then tolerated poor choices on her part for coping with them, but she still made those choices. My word choice, "I spoiled her" is... an example of a red flag I am throwing up and it has to do with me providing parental types of love in what should have been a romantic relationship.

EDIT: I also wanted to add, she's helped me through shit too. I have had a lot of baggage she has helped me set aside.

Also, I have done some reflecting on what my triggers are about the physical and ... I really think it just has to do with thinking about his penis when I kiss her. That is a much narrower niche and a rule that they don't do oral sex stuff might be enough for me. I know it's dumb to realize at THIS stage that this was disproportionately bothering me, but... like you said, we didn't really do the prep work for this, we rushed in.

 

[GalaGirl]

Severing the existing relationship structure would likely be a necessary step towards polyamory.

Yup. The "Old Deal" is gone.

Even people who stay married? The "Old Deal" is gone. It is not "adding a third to our marriage."

It is "We are breaking up this 2 people relationship model ON PURPOSE in order to create this new poly model."

I do have an answer for why I made a concession on the divorce front. It hurts her, and I am loathe to do that.

How about you? Sounds like you would keep yourself in hurtful things in the past. Are you doing that here?

Nobody breaks up like "Yay! Let's make cookies!" Even when wanted or when it is the best solution, it comes with some pain.

But sometimes the last loving thing one does is to let go, so both people can move on in a healthy way.

Rather than trying to bend into pretzels or force a kite that isn't gonna fly fly anyway. So it is ok for break ups to be sad. It's NORMAL for them to be.

She says she never wanted that and wishes she had never started this whole thing, and I get that - but she's also been drinking and smoking marijuana excessively these last couple of months and she says it has been to numb her feelings for this man.

That doesn't sound healthy.

I married a woman who had been through trauma similar to my sisters and provided nearly unconditional love while she healed from that. This was not great. She needed that kind of safety, but it should not have come from a romantic partner.

Neither does this unconditional love thing. Are you white knighting?

"Be there for you no matter what" is a charming way children approach their friendships and early loves. But eventually people grow up and learn love is conditional. And love alone is not enough to make a sustainable relationship. There must be other compatibilities.

I love my partner of decades a lot. But NO. I am NOT going to be there for my partner "no matter what." And he knows it.

• He starts to hit me or the kids or the dog? Gross behavior. I'm out.
• He starts cheating on agreements? That's gross. I'm out.
• He starts hitting on minors trying to hook up with them? That's gross. I'm out.
• He starts murdering people? That's gross. I'm out.

One can love someone a whole lot. But you have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but NO. I will not do stuff that hurts me. Or put up with ANYTHING you do."

You have to love and take care of you too.

They seem to have something really genuine. She has needs, particularly for frequent attention beyond what I have ever been able to consistently fulfill. It's always been a source of unhappiness for both of us and this guy has 0 problems meeting that. Without me realizing what the mechanism is, it's been a great few months.

It's ok for her to realize she's poly and for you to realize she's happier and realize you still don't want any. Many things can be true at once.

If you need to take some time to reflect? Take it. But if she's all ants in the pants? Have a trial separation, so she can date however she wants to and you can do your contemplating without her chomping at the bit bugging you.

If after contemplation you decide this is just not for you? Could aim for a peaceful divorce if that's what needs to happen so BOTH can be ok enough and move on to the next chapter.

Good that you are willing to examine your upbringing and your values and update what can be updated and let go what no longer serves you any more.

But if deep down it isn't about ownership? It's just that you really like being exclusive? You value a 1:1 relationship and that kind of intimacy and relating? Or it's just easier to deal with less partners than the headache of coordinating many schedules and having to "process stuff" all the time?

There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy, a simpler life, or less complicated relationships.

If she values and wants other stuff now? She may no longer be the right spouse for you because no longer compatible. I think it is better to face that head on than to take the long way around.

Not ok for her to put herself into a monogamy box if that doesn't fit her any more.

Not ok for you to put yourself in a polyamory box if that doesn't fit you.

Not ok for you to each take turns being in ill-fitting boxes as if a "shared taking turns misery" will make it "more fair."

Love alone is not enough to make a thing go. There has to be other things for deep compatibility.

The presence of one another have shaped our growth, and we've often made analogies to intertwined trees. That's ... a sweet image but it's also co-dependent.

This is something to bring up with counselor.

All of that to say I do not want to pressure her to end her new relationship if it brings her so much. Doing so would chase off what seems like a really great guy for her and the underlying problem would still remain. She needs more than I alone can offer. Maybe she can find that in one right partner or maybe she needs multiple partners, but she cannot get it all from me.

A separation? That means each of you can date or not date other people however you see fit.

It's a whole lot easier for each of you to deal with your own emotional management. Everyone doing their load own is fair.

She doesn't have to end anything with Dude. It's just you getting out of the way. And telling her "No, thanks" if she tries to make you the "gatekeeper" of her other relationships. Or asks you for advice for how she should date. It's just not your area of concern.

Asking you to be in charge of her dating life might initially help assuage her guilt or whatever for bringing this up the way she did but over time? Resentments grow, cheating on agreements tempts, and honestly? Why are you gonna sign up to do extra work managing this other project over THERE and decide when they can see each other in person, when they can kiss, when they can share sex and all that?

When you have things to be doing over HERE? Could reduce YOUR load to (doing my personal work with my counselor so I can be healthier) and (deciding if I want to participate in a poly thing with her or not).

And not ALSO have to be the project manager to HER dating life. It is not fair to saddle you with extra jobs when you aren't the one who wanted to change the marriage agreements. Also not appropriate for you to do her work for her anyway. She wants to be hinge? Go learn how to hinge then.

If you are in the habit of doing her jobs for her due to codependency or enmeshment or whatever? Talk to counselor about what is healthy and appropriate and what is not healthy and not appropriate.

Work on what you need to work on to become a better, healthier YOU. Because it would benefit you to do that personal work anyway regardless of how things pan out with her.

Whether you break up and each move on to new people, or you stay together trying to practice polyamory... its going to be HEALTHY right? Not like trading an old wonky things for a new wonky things?

Indulging that dark bit of my psychology effectively trained her that some unhealthy behaviors were OK. I spoiled her; and I owe it to her to now set boundaries and help her correct those habits.

If you were in the habit of "spoiling her" and letting her do whatever to you, even unhealthy things? It's ok for you to change your habits and start saying "No, thanks."

I would say you owe it to yourself to set some personal boundaries for you. You decide what you will and will not put up with.

If you have a "broken red flag sensor" you are going to have to do some work on yourself so you can trust yourself to keep you safe. That is YOUR job.

Don't fob that job off on her to do because you are both codependent and somewhere in the journey you traded. Take back the ones you are supposed to be doing yourself. She takes back the ones she's supposed to be doing herself.

I will speak with a therapist before making any major decisions and hold things as they are until then.

Sounds reasonable.

We are mostly sleeping separately though she still wants hugs and snuggle sometimes, and most of the time that does feel nice. We are not having sex and I am adamant we maintain that until we've gone through therapy and come up with an action plan.

Also sounds reasonable.

However the outcome? I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl

 

[Loko]

Hello, I am the other guy and would like to lay out some of my own concerns in all of this. i apologize if everything is a mess, alot of my thoughts are in a jumble and i cant seem to keep them organized.

First of all, im very new to this polyamory way of thinking, it was not too long ago that i was very much in Rystons shoes and only wanted 1:1 ratio. There are some reasons that I think my ideas have changed on this so readily:

my experience with this was when i was in Rystons shoes. i was dating a girl where we started in not the best way. I met her at work and there was a lot of sexual tension between us. the problem was she was dating someone. long story short, i became the guy who knowingly helped her cheat on her boyfriend. She told me beforehand that he had been cheating on her, and they already slept in separate bedrooms. So... loins and with those words... we started sleeping together. I started out slow... very slow. i refused to take off my pants and would not go any further, we would do eeverything we could above the belt so to speak with her pushing me to go further. i was strong to that extent untill she went full succubus and took off all her clothes one night and went into very provocative positions and i did not have the will to resist any further..... from that point on i pushed her to choose him or me. and she did choose me... fast forward some time and we are out having lunch and she asked me if i was interested in polyamory and i told her i wasnt. Come to find out through some people who knew me at work and were concerned, she was cheating on me. before the question, and after the question. many times. Now, i found out after our eventual break up that she did this in practically every relationship she was in, and she had been in many, and continued to do so. There was some history in her past that i think led her to not see sex as more than a fun way to pass the time, but the constant lying4 and switching aaround every 1 year at most, (and i think i was a longer standing one) makes me thankful im out of that relationship:

i told Ryston a brief summary on this and there is more to it, but needless to say, there are some similarities. beyond those obvious similarities i dont see any of the worst parts of my ex. Just an impulsive and yes, selfish jump the gun so to speak.

Knowing the two of have been married for 12 years and getting to know both of them over about 2 years, i can confidently say i love both of them and that i am only able to consider this cause i love them both.

My chief goal in all of this has been to do everything i can to make us 3 work (the new deal) without them separating. i dont want to lose either of them. thats my main selfish desire. and if stepping out was a solution to keep them together, i would do so. no matter how much it would hurt.
As Ryston pointed out though, that would probably not solve anything in the long run, the door has been opened, and the issue is now there, whether im around or not.

I cant stress how sorry I am for the part ive played in this. When i was told polyamory was something they had discussed through the course of their marriage, it filled me with so much hope that my own feelings wouldnt have to be bottled up anymore. I wish she didnt give the ultimatum words and i told her as much as well. And she definitely should have talked to ryston before confessing to me. As it is now, im in this all the way, no matter how weird it gets and arguments and stress i have to be involved in. i want to help them both in any way i can.

 

[Ryston]

Neither does this unconditional love thing. Are you white knighting?

Galagirl

Jesus titty-fucking Christ talk about TIL.

Thank you that's... where I should probably start the conversation with a therapist. I have been independently identifying the pitfalls of this behavior pattern and trying to self correct when there's an entire profile for it.

EDIT: Ya the more I read that's... me. Not every single detail but it's a laundry list of things I do or did and got better about, and there's a lot more on the still 'do' side. I thought I was doing a better job of managing this than that.

Damn.

 

[GalaGirl]

Hi Loko -- welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about the previous cheating experience. Doesn't sound like you are proud of helping your coworker cheat on her BF and then it turns out she was also cheating on you.

If you are hoping to have THIS new experience to be no cheating and more like practicing ethical non-monogamy or ethical polyamory instead? All you can do is be honest and up front with all the people involved. Expect the same back. (And if there's dishonesty/cheating here? Get you out. Because you no longer put up with cheating things. )

Could do the prep work just like the other two have to prepare. Not exhaustive, but some places to start reading

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

And the book "Opening Up."

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships [Taormino, Tristan] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

www.amazon.com

Don't jump in blind. It's ok to be new and to be learning... but jeez. Even teens who are new to driving a car have to do some prep work and studying. They don't just grab keys and go off all willy nilly on the interstate expecting THAT to go well.

For this to work out? It has to be a "3 people yes" to practicing a poly V. It's not going to happen with only 1 person saying yes. or 2 people saying yes. It has to be all 3 consenting to participate here.

And then making your new poly V agreements. Hopefully realistic and rational ones that people can actually keep.

And merely being WILLING doens't mean all have the skills to be ABLE right from the start.

Some things take time to unfold, develop, learn, unlearn, etc.

My chief goal in all of this has been to do everything i can to make us 3 work (the new deal) without them separating.

That's the thing. That part? Whether or not they separate? That's not up to you. That's (their stuff) on that leg of the triangle.

A more realistic goal for you might be "Do my fair share of helping this to be consensual, ethical non-mongamy. Expect them to do theirs. Be honest and up front about where I stand. Communicate as clear as I can. Don't make promises I can't keep. The ones I do make? Keep them. "

i dont want to lose either of them. thats my main selfish desire. and if stepping out was a solution to keep them together, i would do so. no matter how much it would hurt.

Some friendships can weather out trying out poly and still be friends and exes if the poly part doesn't pan out.

Some friendships don't weather it out. And turn into just plain exes. Not friends any more.

Or... you are friends with one but not the other. Who knows how it will turn out.

Again... whether or not they stay together? That part is not up to you.

As Ryston pointed out though, that would probably not solve anything in the long run, the door has been opened, and the issue is now there, whether im around or not.

While true they are still gonna have their married people problems whether you are there or not? Their married people problems are NOT things you can solve.

If you do not want to poly at the same time as them doing their catch-up marriage work from past pending issues? It is possible for you to say "I'm sorry for how all this started. I am bowing out so you can address the marriage issues first. Look me up when you are more stable for a potential poly V."

If you are willing to try new poly AT THE SAME TIME as they are working on the past marriage issues? Well... on you to decide what is acceptable risk or not for YOU.

You all could exercise good personal boundaries and not get sucked into each other's stuff.

I cant stress how sorry I am for the part ive played in this. When i was told polyamory was something they had discussed through the course of their marriage, it filled me with so much hope that my own feelings wouldnt have to be bottled up anymore. I wish she didnt give the ultimatum words and i told her as much as well. And she definitely should have talked to ryston before confessing to me.

So.. you are all kinda bungling newbies. (Not trying to be mean.)

Sounds like a learning experience then. All any of you can do is own it, learn from it, and try to grow and not keep on clonking each other.

She's actually lucky both you and Ryston are still willing to consider despite how this all got started. But hold off on saying "Yeah! Let's jump in blind!"

Again... "Yes. I am willing to consider this" is one thing. You read, educate yourself, reflect. Not just leaping in willy nilly. Esp since you too sound leery of getting dinged or creating new difficulties from rushing it.

As it is now, im in this all the way, no matter how weird it gets and arguments and stress i have to be involved in. i want to help them both in any way i can.

Well, could do your fair share of the prep work. Hold up your end of things. And expect them to each hold up their ends of things.

And understand that you and Ryston can do all the things but if she's not lifting her fair share? If she is a sloppy hinge that treats either of you poorly?

You too have the same deal. YOUR consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. So if things get too wonky or you aren't treated well, or if people start cheating on poly agreements? It's ok for you to say "No, thanks. That's a deal breaker" and you simply walk away.

It isn't like poly is magic or something.

Sometimes in monogamous dating? People are perfectly nice but don't have enough in common so they part ways. It is NORMAL. That's what dating is for. Initial attraction leading to a few dates does not mean initial compatibility. And initial compatibility? That doesn't automatically mean DEEP compatibility.

Well... it happens in poly dating too. Initial attraction =/= automatic initial compatibility =/= automatic deep compatibility. You might find things work out here. Or you might find you like polyamory in general but not in this grouping of people because not enough in common.

Poly people can cheat on poly agreements too. It's the character of the person and their integrity and their "I can keep my Word" that helps them hold up agreements. Not the relationship structure.

So tread with caution and slow some of this stuff down on your end too. Give yourself time to prepare.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you that's... where I should probably start the conversation with a therapist. I have been independently identifying the pitfalls of this behavior pattern and trying to self correct when there's an entire profile for it.

Well, if you didn't know it had a name... now you do know. Talk to counselor about it.

It's ok to be a work in progress.

GG

 

[Loko]

Well Gala, thank you for your insight now, and possibly as we go along.
i appreciate your sympathies as well. no im not proud of it, it was definitely a what goes around, comes around thing and i acknowledge it and dont resent it.
youre right, a lot of the things i want to do are outside of my control and your suggestions are a better way to articulate them.
I have already read one of the articles you linked and bought the book on audible as well.
again, thank you for your views, i feel like there's more i should be saying but i think im still processing.

 

[Ryston]

Well, if you didn't know it had a name... now you do know. Talk to counselor about it.

It's ok to be a work in progress.

GG

Thanks ya I had heard the term years ago before I was even dating, but at some point I had looked it up and between the description I was given at the time and my own much lower state of self awareness thought it was a distant fit.

You prompted me to look again and there is nothing distant about it. :/ Sorry to my wife she's put up with that, including many of the negative behaviors, for years.

I really appreciate all of the help you've given GalaGirl. You have made a very positive impact in my journey towards mental health and in the health of all three of us.

I would only add that my wife (should she pop into this forum) has a lot of really positive traits under-discussed here because of the topics we have focused on. I know she went about becoming a hinge 'wonky' but... even if I've been aware of and trying to correct it, the whole 'manipulates through helpfulness' is an understatement. I create huge power imbalances and senses of indebtedness. It took a lot of courage for her to identify what she needed and speak up about it. She has a lot of courage and, when that fails her, the fire and determination to follow through with just about anything. She is full of creativity, and while this White Knight profile says I am empathetic, her insight into both of our emotions and motivations has humbled me on many occasions.

Honey I don't know what's next in life for us but I know you are badass and you can handle it.

 

[Loko]

Thanks ya I had heard the term years ago before I was even dating, but at some point I had looked it up and between the description I was given at the time and my own much lower state of self awareness thought it was a distant fit.

You prompted me to look again and there is nothing distant about it. :/ Sorry to my wife she's put up with that, including many of the negative behaviors, for years.

I really appreciate all of the help you've given GalaGirl. You have made a very positive impact in my journey towards mental health and the health of these three people.

I would only add that my wife (should she pop into this forum) has a lot of really positive traits under-discussed here because of the topics we have focused on. I know she went about becoming a hinge 'wonky' but... even if I've been aware of and trying to correct it, the whole 'manipulates through helpfulness' is an understatement. I create huge power imbalances and senses of indebtedness. It took a lot of courage for her to identify what she needed and speak up about it. She has a lot of courage and, when that fails her, the fire and determination to follow through with just about anything. She is full of creativity, and while this White Knight profile says I am empathetic, her insight into both of our emotions and motivations has humbled me on many occasions.

Honey I don't know what's next in life for us but I know you are badass and you can handle it.

i agree with this sentiment. If she didnt own up and tell you quickly, i doubtt i would have been able to consider this at all.

 

[Ryston]

Hi Loko -- welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about the previous cheating experience. Doesn't sound like you are proud of helping your coworker cheat on her BF and then it turns out she was also cheating on you.

If you are hoping to have THIS new experience to be no cheating and more like practicing ethical non-monogamy or ethical polyamory instead? All you can do is be honest and up front with all the people involved. Expect the same back. (And if there's dishonesty/cheating here? Get you out. Because you no longer put up with cheating things. )

Could do the prep work just like the other two have to prepare. Not exhaustive, but some places to start reading

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

And the book "Opening Up."

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships [Taormino, Tristan] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

www.amazon.com

Don't jump in blind. It's ok to be new and to be learning... but jeez. Even teens who are new to driving a car have to do some prep work and studying. They don't just grab keys and go off all willy nilly on the interstate expecting THAT to go well.

For this to work out? It has to be a "3 people yes" to practicing a poly V. It's not going to happen with only 1 person saying yes. or 2 people saying yes. It has to be all 3 consenting to participate here.

And then making your new poly V agreements. Hopefully realistic and rational ones that people can actually keep.

And merely being WILLING doens't mean all have the skills to be ABLE right from the start.

Some things take time to unfold, develop, learn, unlearn, etc.



That's the thing. That part? Whether or not they separate? That's not up to you. That's (their stuff) on that leg of the triangle.

A more realistic goal for you might be "Do my fair share of helping this to be consensual, ethical non-mongamy. Expect them to do theirs. Be honest and up front about where I stand. Communicate as clear as I can. Don't make promises I can't keep. The ones I do make? Keep them. "



Some friendships can weather out trying out poly and still be friends and exes if the poly part doesn't pan out.

Some friendships don't weather it out. And turn into just plain exes. Not friends any more.

Or... you are friends with one but not the other. Who knows how it will turn out.

Again... whether or not they stay together? That part is not up to you.



While true they are still gonna have their married people problems whether you are there or not? Their married people problems are NOT things you can solve.

If you do not want to poly at the same time as them doing their catch-up marriage work from past pending issues? It is possible for you to say "I'm sorry for how all this started. I am bowing out so you can address the marriage issues first. Look me up when you are more stable for a potential poly V."

If you are willing to try new poly AT THE SAME TIME as they are working on the past marriage issues? Well... on you to decide what is acceptable risk or not for YOU.

You all could exercise good personal boundaries and not get sucked into each other's stuff.



So.. you are all kinda bungling newbies. (Not trying to be mean.)

Sounds like a learning experience then. All any of you can do is own it, learn from it, and try to grow and not keep on clonking each other.

She's actually lucky both you and Ryston are still willing to consider despite how this all got started. But hold off on saying "Yeah! Let's jump in blind!"

Again... "Yes. I am willing to consider this" is one thing. You read, educate yourself, reflect. Not just leaping in willy nilly. Esp since you too sound leery of getting dinged or creating new difficulties from rushing it.



Well, could do your fair share of the prep work. Hold up your end of things. And expect them to each hold up their ends of things.

And understand that you and Ryston can do all the things but if she's not lifting her fair share? If she is a sloppy hinge that treats either of you poorly?

You too have the same deal. YOUR consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. So if things get too wonky or you aren't treated well, or if people start cheating on poly agreements? It's ok for you to say "No, thanks. That's a deal breaker" and you simply walk away.

It isn't like poly is magic or something.

Sometimes in monogamous dating? People are perfectly nice but don't have enough in common so they part ways. It is NORMAL. That's what dating is for. Initial attraction leading to a few dates does not mean initial compatibility. And initial compatibility? That doesn't automatically mean DEEP compatibility.

Well... it happens in poly dating too. Initial attraction =/= automatic initial compatibility =/= automatic deep compatibility. You might find things work out here. Or you might find you like polyamory in general but not in this grouping of people because not enough in common.

Poly people can cheat on poly agreements too. It's the character of the person and their integrity and their "I can keep my Word" that helps them hold up agreements. Not the relationship structure.

So tread with caution and slow some of this stuff down on your end too. Give yourself time to prepare.

Galagirl

She's right.

Set that guilt down. I don't blame you. My relationship with my wife is our burden here. It's problems are our problems. You have been respectful of boundaries at every turn in this and given me all of the floor for my emotions even though I know you must have tons of your own.

I sincerely appreciate the happiness you bring her and the respect you've shown to our history.

GG has pointed out, and I agree, that becoming poly needs to mean ending the existing relationship and then, if appropriate for all parties, building a new one. That's not on you. My wife had this need and has now expressed it, and I'm glad she has. That took a lot on her part.

I am making an honest go of trying to be a part of the new relationship but my motives for doing so aren't sterling; and it might just be really dumb on my part.

She needed to become poly for her happiness. I may need to stay mono for mine. It's tragic that would mean the eventual end of our relationship extending deeper than a close friendship, but that's the thing that's driving it apart. Not the fact you are part of her new poly life style. If anything, it is a relief to me to know that if I must leave her, she will be with someone who can bring her so much.

EDIT: Something bothered me about your story though and now I think I've figured out what.

You didn't want to take your pants off because you knew it was wrong. Doing stuff with your pants on didn't really make that not wrong.
Terms like a partners consent aren't usually used in that relationship type but.... bearing with me; you still violated that man's consent.

There is a grain of similarity in this, and again, I want to stress I am not upset with you about this: my wife told you that I had said I was maybe open to poly, and then you opened up a crack and then went for it. You had to know that was not a closed communication loop.

I have held my wife accountable for that not you, but... upon reflection, ya that was not cool.

 

[Loko]

She's right.

Set that guilt down. I don't blame you. My relationship with my wife is our burden here. It's problems are our problems. You have been respectful of boundaries at every turn in this and given me all of the floor for my emotions even though I know you must have tons of your own.

I sincerely appreciate the happiness you bring her and the respect you've shown to our history.

GG has pointed out, and I agree, that becoming poly needs to mean ending the existing relationship and then, if appropriate for all parties, building a new one. That's not on you. My wife had this need and has now expressed it, and I'm glad she has. That took a lot on her part.

I am making an honest go of trying to be a part of the new relationship but my motives for doing so aren't sterling; and it might just be really dumb on my part.

She needed to become poly for her happiness. I may need to stay mono for mine. It's tragic that would mean the eventual end of our relationship extending deeper than a close friendship, but that's the thing that's driving it apart. Not the fact you are part of her new poly life style. If anything, it is a relief to me to know that if I must leave her, she will be with someone who can bring her so much.

EDIT: Something bothered me about your story though and now I think I've figured out what.

You didn't want to take your pants off because you knew it was wrong. Doing stuff with your pants on didn't really make that not wrong.
Terms like a partners consent aren't usually used in that relationship type but.... bearing with me; you still violated that man's consent.

There is a grain of similarity in this, and again, I want to stress I am not upset with you about this: my wife told you that I had said I was maybe open to poly, and then you opened up a crack and then went for it. You had to know that was not a closed communication loop.

I have held my wife accountable for that not you, but... upon reflection, ya that was not cool.

i know im not at fault here, yes i did violate the others consent, and yours as well. I will defend myself in stating that while i confessed i had the same feelings for her, i did not push to anything more until she mentioned you giving the green light. at this point, knowing now there was some misunderstanding and misinformation on that, but i still shouldve waited till i heard it from you directly, and i apologize for that. I know im not guiltless in this. no matter how gracious you have been about it, im holding myself accountable for that and am glad you are as well.

 

[Ryston]

i know im not at fault here, yes i did violate the others consent, and yours as well. I will defend myself in stating that while i confessed i had the same feelings for her, i did not push to anything more until she mentioned you giving the green light. at this point, knowing now there was some misunderstanding and misinformation on that, but i still shouldve waited till i heard it from you directly, and i apologize for that. I know im not guiltless in this. no matter how gracious you have been about it, im holding myself accountable for that and am glad you are as well.

Eh, cool. Thanks for seeing it, I am good by this point. You are forgiven by me.

 

[Loko]

i realize now my first statement says im not at fault. that is NOT what i meant. I KNOW im at fault.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Ryston,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here are some links on how to cope with jealousy:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Loko,

Welcome to our forum, and thank you for posting your input. You seem to have a very reasonable viewpoint in all of this, you are willing to give up a lot to help Ryston and his wife, but you are also honest about your feelings, and aware that a bell has been rung here that can't be unrung. I hope to hear more from you and Ryston both, and it would be good to hear from Ryston's wife.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

If it helps any? Mostly you all sound like newbies who got off to a wonky start and are trying to pause, take a breath, and figure stuff out. It happens sometimes. Doesn't mean anyone in the group is horrible. Just... newbie clunky.

The fact that 2 of the 3 are trying to be realistic? And own their own past baggage stuff? Trying to consider other people's POV while honoring their own selves and preferences? Realize each one is responsible for their own happiness? And you both say hinge is of a similar character?

I think however it is that it pans out... this group has good odds on arriving there with minimal shit show. Some groupings just explode or implode with drama. Things here sound challenging, but you all seem to be carrying yourselves decently enough while working it out.

Just keep being honest and up front.

Have confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even if you cannot see HOW right now.

Lean IN and have the conversations you all need to be having.

GL!
Galagirl