I'm sorry this is happening like this. It's a lot. I do sympathize.
We had our own issues before this (emotional distance, lack of passion, general mental health problems),
Who is having mental health problem? Or is it both of you?
Did your NRE wear off? How long did you date before marriage? How old is the marriage?
My wife (24f), who I love dearly, recently came out to me as poly (25m). She has found another partner rather quickly since coming out, though there was a connection between them before her coming out.
I could be wrong, but to me, it kind of sounds like she was having an emotional affair with "Red" before she decided to "come out" as poly to you. (Generic color name for that other person. I'll go with what you like if you want something else.)
Informing a partner that you are poly doesn't mean the partner has to automatically agree to practice poly now. It just means informing them. It probably means more talks to renegotiate shared agreements if the poly spouse wants to practice poly. The mono spouse does NOT have to agree to change. There could just be disbanding, so one is then FREE TO pursue poly and one is FREE FROM poly stuff they do not want. One of the tough lessons of the teens/20s is that love alone is not enough to create a sustainable relationship. There have to be other compatibilities.
Best if had she told you this before you got married. Why's it coming out now? Did she not know until she met Red? Or did she suppress it? Something else?
Just going by your post, it doesn't sound like ethical polyamory. It sounds like a cheating affair that continues, just now out in the open, because now you know about it.
Where did "Red" even come from? Is he a coworker? School mate? Something else? How long have they been involved? Does Red even want polyamory, or is he just going along with it to gain access to your spouse?
If you married monogamously with traditional vows, cheating wasn't part of the deal, nor was polyamory. So this CAN be a dealbreaker for you. You are not obligated to repair anything or sign up for a new deal with her called: "Let's do polyamory now."
Because she's 24 and you're 25, both so young, is it that she changed her mind about marriage? She wants to date around more?
Poly isn't "magic." People can also cheat on their poly agreements. It's the character of the person that makes them keep their promises and hold up agreements.
So I think it's best you tread with caution here.
I desperately want to be okay with this and there are times where I am. There's also a lot more context I'm leaving out for the sake of brevity, so please ask questions for clarification.
But
why are you desperate to be okay with it? You do not have to be. It's okay to call it a dealbreaker. Are you afraid to break up and divorce? Is there something else preventing you from saying "No, I don't want this?" Finances? Kids? Maybe shock?
I don't know if this helps you assess:
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
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Does any one have any tips or advice for a monogamous husband trying to understand?
What are you trying to understand? In simplest form, polyamory means "many loves." One has more than one partner that they love and treat well.
You don't sound like you are being treated well here. You sound like you are being steamrolled. That is not kind and loving behavior. This is NOT ethical polyamory, to me. It's an affair that started behind your back and is now in the open. Sometimes people use the "polyamory" brush to cover up a cheating affair because they want to assuage their guilt about it and try to convince the spouse to go there and do poly. Then they can keep seeing both people out in the open and not feel bad about stepping out behind the spouse's back any more. The spouse is left ignorant or "vague" about the origins of the new relationship. But that's not a nice thing to do.
Some people try to railroad the spouse into it -- so it's like "polyamory under duress." Like, a stay-at-home parent, who is dependent and watching kids, and to divorce would be a huge shift/change, so they accept it, but not happily. Or another kind of dependent, like a patient spouse who relies on the other spouse for caregiving. Or other situations similar to that. Also not a nice thing to do.
To me, ethical polyamory means loving more than one person, having more than one partner, but all parties consent and agree to practice poly. Nobody is being pushed or pressured into it.
The couple does NOT have to date the same person. There does NOT have to be any group sex. It's just that they have the ability to poly date other people besides each other.
You could learn about it. The "Opening Up" book is free online.
xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm
archive.org
This is something you might be experiencing.
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
You can listen to the Multiamory podcast.
Find all the latest podcast episodes! Subscribe on your favorite podcast platform for updates.
www.multiamory.com
You could become a poly reading expert... and still not want any polyamory for you. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting monogamy.
While you can read about polyamory and mono-poly couples, I think you have to look deep down in your heart and ask yourself "Do I really want to practice polyamory, or be one of those mono-poly couples? Or am I struggling with grief and doing bargaining-stage stuff? Not really wanting this, not really wanting to break up, and scrambling around, or bending into pretzels to make it work anyway?"
Why is the burden on YOU to "understand" rather than on HER to cut this poor behavior out?
I think you could tell her you don't love this. If this was indeed cheating, there needs to be repairs before you consider being with her in a new way. Part of the price might be dropping the cheating affair partner. Deal with things in order.
Maybe you could be fine with polyamory -- WITH OTHER PEOPLE who treat you better than this. Maybe neither you nor she have thought about that. Just because people are compatible for monogamy, doesn't automatically mean they are compatible for non-monogamy.
You two could have a trial separation for a year. Work with a counselor to determine if this relationship can change and reconcile from a cheating affair start, or if it would be best to divorce.
Living apart would give you both time and space to think all that out, and would also give you a taste of living on your own, hopefully bringing some clarity and making it so you don't have to watch her date people up close. You don't have to see them come over, listen to them having sex through the walls, none of that. You can maintain some separateness. On your side, you can date or not date as you please during the separation.
YMMV, but you can try seeking a poly counselor at:
https://www.polyfriendly.org/
I suppose you could ask her if she could limit herself to dating you and Red only, and no more NEW people until you stabilize this relationship. She may or may not agree.
Again, tread with caution on your side. Educate yourself. Hopefully your spouse also educates herself.
But if it is best to part ways, end it as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances, rather than damaging yourselves or each other further.
That is my suggestion to you. Slow this down some and don't bend into pretzels just to avoid hard conversation, a separation, or a break up.
You have to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But NO, not even for you will I do stuff I don't want, stuff that feels yucky, or stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much."
Galagirl
