My boyfriend agreed to be in a Poly relationship but now doesn't have dates or sex with anybody else...

Aal

New member
Hi everybody,

I am new here because I really need some advise from likeminded people!

I found out that I am polyamorous about 6 months ago. I guess I knew it all along, cause in past relationships or even while being single I liked multiple people, but you all know how hard it is to be honest to yourself in a monogamous world.
Since my partner and I have a really great relationship and communicate very openly and honestly I told him about my feelings towards other people even before me actually understanding that I was polyamorous. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years now and right in our first year of the relationship I fell in love with one of my girlfriends. He was quite open towards it and even encouraged me to go for it and find out more about me being potentially bisexual. It all lead to a night that the three of us spent together and all of us thinking about a triad relationship, that i wasn't ready for at the time, because I was to insecure and jealous of a lot of things the two had in common. So my boyfriend said, if I wasn't ready, we just don't do it. Which kinda makes me sad, considering that I am not able to do the same for him. Anyways...

Maybe 1.5 years later I met a guy that I started to have feelings for and I told my BF and we started talking about potentially having sex with other people. So me and this guy kissed and my BF seemed to be fine at first, but eventually felt hurt and jealous and called everything of. I didn't want to lose my relationship so I just stopped seeing this guy. But as you all know being polyamorous is nothing you chose to be, it is a huge part of your identity, which is why more and more situations like this came up. So we kept talking over the years and overthought agreements and finally got to the point where it was fine for both of us to be in an open relationship and to have sex with other people, but only one night stands were fine. One year ago I got to know a beautiful person and I finally went for the next step and had sex with this guy. It was great and also apart from sex I also had a wonderful time with him and we agreed on trying to be friends cause we didn't wanna stop seeing each other. Of course it didn't work out being friends, and feelings came up and I would've loved to see where it was going between us. Unfortunately when I told my BF he was extremely hurt and couldn't believe that I really slept with someone else and might even have feelings for this person. Even though he always said he is not a jealous person at all and he'd be fine with the Poly thing, it started to occur to me that maybe the tide had turned. While I used to be the jealous one, I now found to be more self confident and enjoyed my new freedom, while my boyfriend took my place and only felt hurt.

So again, I stopped seeing this guy. I remember I cried a lot during that time. Being so scared of losing my big love that I've already chosen our future kids names and could imagine everything with. How should I live without this wonderful person that is so caring and supportive and funny and that I share all these cool hobbies with. And on the other hand, for how long could I keep going lying to myself and pretending to be someone I am not.

A few months later I got into a short relationship with a women that I got to know at work. My BF was kinda fine with it. Of course also a bit jealous, cause we were also at long distance at the time and he said, it just makes him sad to know that another person spends more time with me than him, but he mostly tolerated it. We even spend some quality time all together and they really got along well. So I thought alright this is the next level!...

Until I met someone 6 months ago that I wanted to have a second relationship with and it almost led to us breaking up. That was right when I found out I was polyamorous and I felt so happy and free, cause I finally understood what seemed to be wrong with me the whole time, wasn't wrong at all and that so many other people feel the same way! So I told my BF what I had found out, even wrote a Poem explaining to him, that nothing had changed concerning my feelings towards him and he really agreed. The problem was that I broke an agreement to see this guy. My BF and I wanted to go away for the weekend but it was the only possible weekend to see my new guy, cause it was a complicated long distance thing and the flights were unbelievable expensive and I knew if I didn't do it this time, it would just be over again and I would fall back into the monogamous loop that I had just left. So I went and I felt so free, cause it was something just for my polyamorous self, something I didn't wanna even share with my BF cause I knew he'd just be uncomfortable and sad and make me feel bad, cause I hurt him again. When I came back we almost broke up... cause he said he felt alone, and parked while I was living my life. But even with all those difficulties we found a way, cause we are really in love, even after almost 5 years of relationship. We agreed that I could stay in touch with this guy and potentially see him again, while also being in our relationship. But you also have to keep in mind, that while I made all these experiences my BF still didn't date anybody else. No dating, no one night stands, no kissing, maybe some flirting...

And so here came New Years Eve. I went to a club with my Sister, her BF and my BF. But shortly before entering, my BF decided to go home, cause he wasn't in the mood. So at some point a hooked up with someone in the club, which turned out to be a huge problem for my BF, cause he also wasn't able to reach me, I had no battery and he had spent most of the 1st of Jan alone. I understand that it must be upsetting and it's a thing I start to understand with all the mistake that i've done, that it is super important to always check on your loved one, even while having a good time with someone else. Especially if you want your freedom with others! So I came home and told him and I thought, it was just sex, it was nothing, but it really hurt him, because he feels like there is a huge imbalance between us and my wish to have sex with others or even intimate relationships seems to be so much stronger than his.

He says that he doesn't want to live in a monogamous relationship cause it's not a good thing to restrict each other in a relationship, but he doesn't want to force anything, he doesn't like dating apps and he just wants it to be a natural process. I understand that fully, cause I never forced anything either, it just happens to me, but what are we gonna do now ? I said I am gonna try to reduce my contacts with other men and it's fine for me to not randomly fuck anyone, but I have feelings for another person, that I can't just ignore and I feel trapped and at the same time so sad and anxious cause I fear to lose my baby, and our apartment and our friends group and a huge part of my life, that I really love. But I am who I am... does anyone have any advise for me ? I am thankful for everything !!!!
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for the vent. I mean this kindly, ok?

I think if you and this BF are going to stay together? You could both do more poly reading and become ok having different dating styles/opportunities. Maybe consider a poly counselor.

It's ok for each of you to be able to date other people and for those experiences to be DIFFERENT from each other. It's ok if your desire for more partners is stronger than his. It is ok if he decides on his side to take a dating break when he feels like it. It is not a contest or a competition.

And on your end? Stop breaking up with people you are developing feelings for just because BF is uncomfortable. If you both agree to practice poly, that means sharing both sex and romance. Where is surprise? And some of the things? Have to be lived through perhaps. How will he learn to become comfortable and get used to being in a poly V or whatever if you never get on with it? A certain amount of reasonable uncomfortable is to be expected. Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone.

If he's super uncomfortable? It is too much? Unreasonable? Bending into pretzels?

Then you may have to accept this BF *wants* to be ok with poly, but isn't there yet. Can slow down, try counseling. But if you want to be free to pursue right now and don't want to wait? Maybe you break up with him. Do your healing around that. Then go poly date how you want to be. You stop doing this back and forth and back and forth stuff.

If he does the work and you get back together later on? Great.

If not? You have reduced the stress in your life. And can live more authentically.

Love alone is not enough to create a sustainable relationship.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Aal,

You have quite a problem on your hands, it is difficult knowing your boyfriend is not seeing anyone, although I am also concerned that he seems to be rather jealous and insecure. You told your boyfriend you would stop having random sex, but what are you supposed to do when you have feelings for someone, are you supposed to deny who you are?

It seems to me that you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other in every way, except for this one little thing: You want poly, and he does not want poly. Now mind you, he wants to want poly. He believes he wants poly. But poly hurts him. It does not do anything for him. And you, understandably, do not want to pretend that you are monogamous. But you feel like you have to pretend.

By the way, I wonder if you and your boyfriend are still in a long-distance relationship with each other, or if that part of the obstacles in your relationship has been removed. Hopefully the latter, cause long-distance relationships are really hard, let alone when polyamory is also involved. Do you have plans for moving to live closer to each other?

You might want to consider apologizing to him for the times in the past when you were the one who was jealous towards him. Perhaps he remembers those times, and that memory makes him feel resentful to and about the whole poly experience. But maybe you have already done the apologizing? and if so, how did he respond?

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. I hope the posts here so far have helped. Please if you're willing, keep us updated on your situation as it evolves, and we will continue to try to give you useful feedback. Your situation is too complicated for you to deal with it without help. Reach out, and learn as much about polyamory as you can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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Aal

New member
Thank you so much for your honest and supporting reply Kevin!

We have been living together for the past two years. Due to our job situation we are on long distance from time to time though.

I think it is a really good point that I have to apologise to him for holding him back with this girlfriend of ours. I apologised to him for being jealous, but I actually never realised that this was his first and only poly experience within our relationship and that I called it off... you're right, he might be resentful because of this experience!

I will definitely keep you posted and read as much as I can! Thank you so much already! Feels good to know you're not alone :) 🙏
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You're welcome! any little way I can help, I will.

It sounds like most of the long-distance situation has faded away, although I'm sure you'll agree with me that the long-distance times that remain are hard. Hang in there!

I think you are putting forth the effort to absorb all that's been said here so far, and I say kudos to you for that. Keep trying. A couple of books that might help are, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino ... and, "Polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy," by Jessica Fern.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's so funny how people come to the realization of how polyamory works.

"Yes, you can have sex with another person you find compelling, but only once!"
"Yes, you can have repeated sex with another person you find very attractive, but you must break up with them if you start to like them a lot!"

The things we do to "protect the primary relationship," huh? Just reread those requirements and you'll see how irrational they are, and how denying about how humans care for each other and mate with each other.

Should we only have sex with people we find unattractive and unlikable so that we don't run the risk of having sex more than once, or coming to care about someone we are sleeping with?? ;)
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Please don't try and find someone to "share". This is not a respectful or stable way to practice polyamory.
 
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