Hi everybody,
I am new here because I really need some advise from likeminded people!
I found out that I am polyamorous about 6 months ago. I guess I knew it all along, cause in past relationships or even while being single I liked multiple people, but you all know how hard it is to be honest to yourself in a monogamous world.
Since my partner and I have a really great relationship and communicate very openly and honestly I told him about my feelings towards other people even before me actually understanding that I was polyamorous. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years now and right in our first year of the relationship I fell in love with one of my girlfriends. He was quite open towards it and even encouraged me to go for it and find out more about me being potentially bisexual. It all lead to a night that the three of us spent together and all of us thinking about a triad relationship, that i wasn't ready for at the time, because I was to insecure and jealous of a lot of things the two had in common. So my boyfriend said, if I wasn't ready, we just don't do it. Which kinda makes me sad, considering that I am not able to do the same for him. Anyways...
Maybe 1.5 years later I met a guy that I started to have feelings for and I told my BF and we started talking about potentially having sex with other people. So me and this guy kissed and my BF seemed to be fine at first, but eventually felt hurt and jealous and called everything of. I didn't want to lose my relationship so I just stopped seeing this guy. But as you all know being polyamorous is nothing you chose to be, it is a huge part of your identity, which is why more and more situations like this came up. So we kept talking over the years and overthought agreements and finally got to the point where it was fine for both of us to be in an open relationship and to have sex with other people, but only one night stands were fine. One year ago I got to know a beautiful person and I finally went for the next step and had sex with this guy. It was great and also apart from sex I also had a wonderful time with him and we agreed on trying to be friends cause we didn't wanna stop seeing each other. Of course it didn't work out being friends, and feelings came up and I would've loved to see where it was going between us. Unfortunately when I told my BF he was extremely hurt and couldn't believe that I really slept with someone else and might even have feelings for this person. Even though he always said he is not a jealous person at all and he'd be fine with the Poly thing, it started to occur to me that maybe the tide had turned. While I used to be the jealous one, I now found to be more self confident and enjoyed my new freedom, while my boyfriend took my place and only felt hurt.
So again, I stopped seeing this guy. I remember I cried a lot during that time. Being so scared of losing my big love that I've already chosen our future kids names and could imagine everything with. How should I live without this wonderful person that is so caring and supportive and funny and that I share all these cool hobbies with. And on the other hand, for how long could I keep going lying to myself and pretending to be someone I am not.
A few months later I got into a short relationship with a women that I got to know at work. My BF was kinda fine with it. Of course also a bit jealous, cause we were also at long distance at the time and he said, it just makes him sad to know that another person spends more time with me than him, but he mostly tolerated it. We even spend some quality time all together and they really got along well. So I thought alright this is the next level!...
Until I met someone 6 months ago that I wanted to have a second relationship with and it almost led to us breaking up. That was right when I found out I was polyamorous and I felt so happy and free, cause I finally understood what seemed to be wrong with me the whole time, wasn't wrong at all and that so many other people feel the same way! So I told my BF what I had found out, even wrote a Poem explaining to him, that nothing had changed concerning my feelings towards him and he really agreed. The problem was that I broke an agreement to see this guy. My BF and I wanted to go away for the weekend but it was the only possible weekend to see my new guy, cause it was a complicated long distance thing and the flights were unbelievable expensive and I knew if I didn't do it this time, it would just be over again and I would fall back into the monogamous loop that I had just left. So I went and I felt so free, cause it was something just for my polyamorous self, something I didn't wanna even share with my BF cause I knew he'd just be uncomfortable and sad and make me feel bad, cause I hurt him again. When I came back we almost broke up... cause he said he felt alone, and parked while I was living my life. But even with all those difficulties we found a way, cause we are really in love, even after almost 5 years of relationship. We agreed that I could stay in touch with this guy and potentially see him again, while also being in our relationship. But you also have to keep in mind, that while I made all these experiences my BF still didn't date anybody else. No dating, no one night stands, no kissing, maybe some flirting...
And so here came New Years Eve. I went to a club with my Sister, her BF and my BF. But shortly before entering, my BF decided to go home, cause he wasn't in the mood. So at some point a hooked up with someone in the club, which turned out to be a huge problem for my BF, cause he also wasn't able to reach me, I had no battery and he had spent most of the 1st of Jan alone. I understand that it must be upsetting and it's a thing I start to understand with all the mistake that i've done, that it is super important to always check on your loved one, even while having a good time with someone else. Especially if you want your freedom with others! So I came home and told him and I thought, it was just sex, it was nothing, but it really hurt him, because he feels like there is a huge imbalance between us and my wish to have sex with others or even intimate relationships seems to be so much stronger than his.
He says that he doesn't want to live in a monogamous relationship cause it's not a good thing to restrict each other in a relationship, but he doesn't want to force anything, he doesn't like dating apps and he just wants it to be a natural process. I understand that fully, cause I never forced anything either, it just happens to me, but what are we gonna do now ? I said I am gonna try to reduce my contacts with other men and it's fine for me to not randomly fuck anyone, but I have feelings for another person, that I can't just ignore and I feel trapped and at the same time so sad and anxious cause I fear to lose my baby, and our apartment and our friends group and a huge part of my life, that I really love. But I am who I am... does anyone have any advise for me ? I am thankful for everything !!!!
I am new here because I really need some advise from likeminded people!
I found out that I am polyamorous about 6 months ago. I guess I knew it all along, cause in past relationships or even while being single I liked multiple people, but you all know how hard it is to be honest to yourself in a monogamous world.
Since my partner and I have a really great relationship and communicate very openly and honestly I told him about my feelings towards other people even before me actually understanding that I was polyamorous. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years now and right in our first year of the relationship I fell in love with one of my girlfriends. He was quite open towards it and even encouraged me to go for it and find out more about me being potentially bisexual. It all lead to a night that the three of us spent together and all of us thinking about a triad relationship, that i wasn't ready for at the time, because I was to insecure and jealous of a lot of things the two had in common. So my boyfriend said, if I wasn't ready, we just don't do it. Which kinda makes me sad, considering that I am not able to do the same for him. Anyways...
Maybe 1.5 years later I met a guy that I started to have feelings for and I told my BF and we started talking about potentially having sex with other people. So me and this guy kissed and my BF seemed to be fine at first, but eventually felt hurt and jealous and called everything of. I didn't want to lose my relationship so I just stopped seeing this guy. But as you all know being polyamorous is nothing you chose to be, it is a huge part of your identity, which is why more and more situations like this came up. So we kept talking over the years and overthought agreements and finally got to the point where it was fine for both of us to be in an open relationship and to have sex with other people, but only one night stands were fine. One year ago I got to know a beautiful person and I finally went for the next step and had sex with this guy. It was great and also apart from sex I also had a wonderful time with him and we agreed on trying to be friends cause we didn't wanna stop seeing each other. Of course it didn't work out being friends, and feelings came up and I would've loved to see where it was going between us. Unfortunately when I told my BF he was extremely hurt and couldn't believe that I really slept with someone else and might even have feelings for this person. Even though he always said he is not a jealous person at all and he'd be fine with the Poly thing, it started to occur to me that maybe the tide had turned. While I used to be the jealous one, I now found to be more self confident and enjoyed my new freedom, while my boyfriend took my place and only felt hurt.
So again, I stopped seeing this guy. I remember I cried a lot during that time. Being so scared of losing my big love that I've already chosen our future kids names and could imagine everything with. How should I live without this wonderful person that is so caring and supportive and funny and that I share all these cool hobbies with. And on the other hand, for how long could I keep going lying to myself and pretending to be someone I am not.
A few months later I got into a short relationship with a women that I got to know at work. My BF was kinda fine with it. Of course also a bit jealous, cause we were also at long distance at the time and he said, it just makes him sad to know that another person spends more time with me than him, but he mostly tolerated it. We even spend some quality time all together and they really got along well. So I thought alright this is the next level!...
Until I met someone 6 months ago that I wanted to have a second relationship with and it almost led to us breaking up. That was right when I found out I was polyamorous and I felt so happy and free, cause I finally understood what seemed to be wrong with me the whole time, wasn't wrong at all and that so many other people feel the same way! So I told my BF what I had found out, even wrote a Poem explaining to him, that nothing had changed concerning my feelings towards him and he really agreed. The problem was that I broke an agreement to see this guy. My BF and I wanted to go away for the weekend but it was the only possible weekend to see my new guy, cause it was a complicated long distance thing and the flights were unbelievable expensive and I knew if I didn't do it this time, it would just be over again and I would fall back into the monogamous loop that I had just left. So I went and I felt so free, cause it was something just for my polyamorous self, something I didn't wanna even share with my BF cause I knew he'd just be uncomfortable and sad and make me feel bad, cause I hurt him again. When I came back we almost broke up... cause he said he felt alone, and parked while I was living my life. But even with all those difficulties we found a way, cause we are really in love, even after almost 5 years of relationship. We agreed that I could stay in touch with this guy and potentially see him again, while also being in our relationship. But you also have to keep in mind, that while I made all these experiences my BF still didn't date anybody else. No dating, no one night stands, no kissing, maybe some flirting...
And so here came New Years Eve. I went to a club with my Sister, her BF and my BF. But shortly before entering, my BF decided to go home, cause he wasn't in the mood. So at some point a hooked up with someone in the club, which turned out to be a huge problem for my BF, cause he also wasn't able to reach me, I had no battery and he had spent most of the 1st of Jan alone. I understand that it must be upsetting and it's a thing I start to understand with all the mistake that i've done, that it is super important to always check on your loved one, even while having a good time with someone else. Especially if you want your freedom with others! So I came home and told him and I thought, it was just sex, it was nothing, but it really hurt him, because he feels like there is a huge imbalance between us and my wish to have sex with others or even intimate relationships seems to be so much stronger than his.
He says that he doesn't want to live in a monogamous relationship cause it's not a good thing to restrict each other in a relationship, but he doesn't want to force anything, he doesn't like dating apps and he just wants it to be a natural process. I understand that fully, cause I never forced anything either, it just happens to me, but what are we gonna do now ? I said I am gonna try to reduce my contacts with other men and it's fine for me to not randomly fuck anyone, but I have feelings for another person, that I can't just ignore and I feel trapped and at the same time so sad and anxious cause I fear to lose my baby, and our apartment and our friends group and a huge part of my life, that I really love. But I am who I am... does anyone have any advise for me ? I am thankful for everything !!!!
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