My fiance's best friend

S

Self

New member
This is my first post, and I feel compelled to provide a little background.

I'm 30, three months away from getting married to a woman I think is the most incredible, special woman I have ever known. Our sex is always amazing, we have great chemistry, I find her brilliant, funny, loving, and loyal. I have known her 15 years, and we have dated several times during that span. We also spent years single, and years in committed relationships with other people. We broke each other's hearts when we were younger, but we have been in a healthy, happy relationship for nearly six years. We are very different people, but we work well together most of the time, and love each other so much. I would like to fully and honestly commit to love and support her, in sickness and in health...
But, I want to be able to do so as my whole real honest self, I don't want to suppress this part of myself that I feel is capable of so much love!

My parents have one of those apparently totally devoted marriages of 30 years that other people like to look up to. I'm not sure when I started to understand that that just seemed kind of weird to me, but it's nagged at me a long time. I think I'm just fully understanding that I don't work the same way.

I feel deeply, and fall in love somewhat easily, but I've never had lasting feelings of monogamy, even while deeply in love. I never could make sense of it, I just figured that was part of being a man I guess. Despite this Ive always tried to follow my parents example in relationships by being loyal and respectful, but this usually comes at the cost of complete honesty. I have cheated in other relationships, but always when things were at their worst, I always felt terrible about it, and would admit and breakup. I am trying to be completely honest with myself and my partner.

I met the best friend many years ago, I don't remember if I was dating anyone at the time. I was attracted to, and intimidated by her as soon as I met her, but saw her only once every few years until my fiancé and I crossed paths with her at a music festival four years ago. They became instant friends, and I was instantly reminded of how incredible she was. Her interests challenged me, she was free spirited In a way I had never met. There was definitely some chemistry, I may have fallen in love with her a little then. We still rarely saw her, and I was aware enough of the chemistry to try to keep a healthy distance for several years. More recently, she has moved nearby, and we have enjoyed a wonderful and very close relationship with her for several years. We travelled in Asia and Central America for several weeks together, work together, have lived for short periods of time together, and generally all three of us get along amazingly, we balance each other in many ways, challenge each other, love each other, support each other.
I have openly told the best friend I love her for over a year now. She always says she loves me back, and sometimes she initiates it. I feel like I can see it in her eyes when we say it.

I saw a Tedtalk of Chris Ryan's a few months ago and it blew my mind. I felt like I was high all day. My fiance's best friend encouraged me to watch it with her, explaining how it helped her and her ex boyfriend communicate better. I was elated! I told my fiancé my heart had grown three sizes. We watched the video. Maybe halfway through she starts to freak out and ask if I want to have sex with other people. It went downhill. I have to backtrack, console, support. Best friend helps too.
I love them both so much!
Things are good again, but I feel like I'm keeping something huge and wonderful trapped in a tiny box. I also feel like I'm not being honest with myself, or my fiancé. And I really want to be able to give the love I have to the best friend.
I just lost my first draft of this, so I'm going to try to wrap it up quick this time...

A couple of additional notes:
In college a wonderful woman I was casually seeing and her good female friend made love to me one night simultaneously. It was so natural and easy and comfortable, that's what I remember the most.

I have been jealous of partners in the past, but I was insecure, and always trying to be someone else's idea. I have come a long way in the last five years, and I see jealousy as another challenge in my journey to be fully my one wonderful self.
Thank you!
 
A few things I lost in the first draft...

The best friend has said she is open to being in our threesome, albeit late one night, but I think she is open. My fiancé has said if she was attracted to women, she would be attracted to her best friend. She is very affectionate and physical and generally very open and sharing, but she has some hang ups about abandonment from a horrible dad.
Im terrified I'm going to destroy several wonderful relationships if I come out about this, but feel it so strongly. I tried to tell them both this weekend while we were camping, but all I could tell them was that I loved them so much, then we all slept together platonically in the tent. They were so beautiful, I love them so much, I felt a little heartbroken over what to do.
I guess that's why I'm here.
 
I also feel like I'm not being honest with myself, or my fiancé.
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Then I encourage you to be honest. Let the outcome be whatever it is.

You are Engaged to Seriously Consider Marriage. Why are you holding this stuff back? :confused: I can see you are scared but don't hold out on starting your own marriage from solid foundations.

I would suggest you NOT get married until you have these fully honest, naked to the soul conversations.

To me successful engagement ends in two ways.

The people do the serious talks, naked to the soul -- about how they want to be in future, kids, religion, politics, finances, division of labor, and more. They take the online premarital class, or take it at county extension office or place of worship. To REALLY make sure they talk everything over, straight up. Nothing held back.

Then they decide to end the engagement successfully one of two ways.

a) Not compatible after all. Best to be friends and not marry. The engagement period successfully prevents a disastrous union.

b) Are compatible after all. The engagement period successfully confirms this couple is a match. They go ahead and THEN start to plan a wedding now. (Sometimes people jump the gun on this. I've seen them start planning wedding rather than doing the Engagement talks to determine deep compatibility first.)

I encourage you to talk openly. It's what you want to begin with, right? Align yourself to it and do it.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you galagirl! You're absolutely right. I'm working up the courage to have the conversation with my fiancé. I've been reading here about ways to do it, it's just, well, pretty scary! I need her to try to understand it a little instead of just reacting like she did before, otherwise I don't know what to do.
 
I agree with GalaGirl. You noted that you need her to understand a little instead of just reacting - recognize that this may not happen. There are no special words that you can say to her that will make her instantly okay with everything. Sure, you can offer reassurance and information, if she's interested. She might decide that she prefers to be in a monogamous relationship, and that is her choice. She may react very strongly against it (it's a quite threatening thought if she hasn't considered it in the past), and eventually decide she is okay. Or she might decide she is not. That's her call to make.

It took years for my husband and I to be comfortable enough to open our relationship. I was the one holding back and it wasn't until I fell in love with my partner, Jack, that I was able to see how I could love two people at once. And then it was quite rocky for several months when he started dating Taylor.

I do agree that it is best to be authentic, prior to getting married. Just know that it is her choice to make if she decides that kind of life isn't for her.
 
Tell her you want to talk to her and you would like her to listen all the way through without response. Then she can have a turn to respond. Ask if she is willing to do that. If so, THEN go into the conversation.

If she has a cow at you from simply trying to have an honest conversation? That lets you know your partner may NOT be a match. Disappointing, but better you know NOW before getting married.

You do not want a Life Partner who wigs out over just talking things out, right? You want someone more resilient? This is supposed to be your life partner. Who ELSE would you be telling the stuff of "naked to the soul?" :confused:

They do not have to agree with you or want the same things you want just because you bring it up. But having a cow at you over it -- that's just acting out like a little kid. Tantrum. Being able to have hard conversation honestly without tantrum is a skill you might want in a spouse.

I don't think adults having tantrums is becoming. I prefer my partners to have the emotional maturity to be able to disagree with me without tantrum drama. It's ok to be upset, but do their emotional management. Ask for a break, tissues, whatever they need without acting out stuff.

I wouldn't want to be married to an emotional tantrum thrower.

So again.... ENGAGE. Have those honest conversations. Hopefully it draws you closer and you see you are deeply compatible after all. If you discover your potential spouse is not esp resilient and prone to pitching a tantrum? You may see them in a new light. You might want an even longer engagement to see if they can learn this skill. Or you change your mind entirely and bow out. Dodge a bullet before exchanging vows.

Win for you however it plays out, really.

I encourage you to Engage, and be up front and forthright when you do.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the supportive responses. Part of me really just wants to put the cat back in the box, if you know what I mean. But on the other hand I got a full nights sleep last night for the first night in recent memory, so maybe just talking about this is helping relieve some conscious/subconscious stress.
Communication is certainly something we are working on.

I don't have to start a sexual relationship with the best friend ( though the idea is very exciting), I really just discovered and admitted to myself that I was in love with her. I feel like we are already in some sort of subtle romantic relationship, but we both love and respect my partner and that's keeps everything very platonic. That has been enough for me. But it's been building for years now, and I've obviously painted myself into a corner with the wedding coming up, and...yeah.
It's honesty time.

When we are all three together everything just seems the way it should be. I don't know how to explain it. I hope it's not just all a dream that I am about to wake myself up from.
 
You don't want to marry someone who cannot accept your true self. She may not want a triad relationship with her best friend, but may be open to poly in the future. The important thing is that you are honest and share with her your thoughts and desires.
 
I've obviously painted myself into a corner with the wedding coming up, and...yeah.
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No you haven't. Weddings can be postponed/rescheduled/canceled depending on what needs to happen.

It costs some money to rearrange or you let go of some nonrefundable deposits.

But better those costs at that level than racking up the costs of a wedding, counseling, divorce, child support, etc. depending on how long you keep this under wraps before it comes leaking out. :( That is way more expensive -- and not just in money.

I know you are scared, but be scared and do it anyway. You seem to want to be honest with yourself and your intended. Answer to that higher value rather than answering to fear.

If you cannot easily tell her orally, write her a letter and give it to her. Or set up a counseling appointment to tell her in so you have the counselor there to help guide the conversation in a constructive way. There's nothing wrong with seeking support. You can do this!

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Thank you thank you

This forum is invaluable to me! I had no idea about how to even talk to myself about this a few days ago. I will tell my fiancé soon. I want her to understand above all else that I'm not leaving her or loving her any less...I know that may not happen, but I have to try.

I'm going to say something like...I want to go into marriage with you as the best most true expression of myself. Im discovering a part of myself that I thought I had to hide and suppress. It has always been there, all the time we've known each other, but I thought if I loved and respected you I just had to pretend it wasn't there. I didn't even have a name for this thing until recently, it was like an animal impulse to be controlled, or negative emotion to be patiently waited out or dispelled.
But what I am discovering is not a shameful thing, not a bad thing, not a dirty thing, and it is part of who I am. I'm realizing I have the capacity to love more, to give and receive love from multiple people in many different ways.
I mean, we all are, right? But this was not very simple for me, In fact I'm really scared admitting this could cost me the love of the two people I love the most.
I love you, and I love N. I don't fully understand it. I desperately want it to be a wonderful exciting thing, but I know this could be a horrible hard thing for you. I don't want to hurt you, now or anytime, but I need to be open about this before we get married.
 
Another thing to get through your head is that it is neither necessary or realistic for you to try to convince her of a triad scenario. A triad being where the three of you are romantically linked and love each other physically. I would simply suggest you tell her that your relationship with this friend has made you realize that loving one person doesn't instantly close your heart to loving another. Keep everything hypothetical and slow. Explore this message board together or separately and really absorb what is discussed. It may take months or years to fully comprehend and get a gut feeling for what works and what are the common mistakes. Trust me, you will notice very quickly newbies passing through, ALL making the same mistakes. I was one of them. I've been on here for over a year and a half and I still learn things and am not practicing Poly, nor may I ever. But the interpersonal skills are invaluable and cross over into all relationships.
 
Thank you graviton. I know, the triad is unrealistic. Yes, I am a total newby! What I've been most impressed about the poly community is their openness to discuss relationships and openness to reconsider what romantic relationships are here and now. I have spent the last ten years or so forgetting my conditioning and trying to live in the way I want the world to be, if that makes sense. I feel a little silly that I never reconsidered the way I looked at relationships. I really appreciate all the insight and no nonsense talk here. I'm terrified about what to do next, but inspired, and a little hopeful.
 
Welcome, Self.

Would you like to choose nicknames for your fiancee and your... friend? It makes it much easier for those of us reading.

I agree that this scenario could be a long way from being a full triad. Your partner (and possible partner) don't need to be bi for it to work. The women could just be friends, and if sex happens, you do sex one on one with each, no threesomes. That is called a V. The women would be "metamours" who are very good friends. That happens a lot in poly-land. Of course, you could hit the jackpot and have them both agree to polyamory and threesome sex. But then again, many poly people don't like threesomes. I've done three and foursomes, and sometimes it's fun in the moment, but I much prefer one on one.

Good luck with the talks. I wonder if "N" has a bf/gf/sex partner right now?
 
Re (from Self):
"I want her to understand above all else that I'm not leaving her or loving her any less ..."
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You mean then to stay with her even if she totally forbids you to be poly? Make sure all your reassurances are the truth.

Re:
"I'm really scared admitting this could cost me the love of the two people I love the most."
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It could. You have to decide if it's worth it in the long run, this intense honesty.
 
Self, I agree that it's important to talk to her and work this out before you guys marry. I am worried, though, that she may feel like she's been betrayed by both her partner and her best friend. I think that could be a pretty scary position to be in, especially if she doesn't have other people that she's very close to.

She may throw a tantrum and as GalaGirl suggested that would not be the ideal way for her to handle it, but I do think it would be a very human way to react and upon hearing news like this for the first time, I think it could be pretty hard to collect oneself and act reasonably. It's much more likely that she's going to have an emotional reaction.

I wonder though if it's possible she already knows on some level. She's been living with it for months or years. Maybe that will make it less of a shock.
 
When I was monogamus, there were so many times that I felt bad because I desired another woman. In my mind that was cheating. I had seen Swinging as a kid, there was a huge scandal when my mopther's church was found to have a secret swingers group. At 12 or 13 I thought it was stupid it was their lives, so what. I was locked into the mono culture by my up bringing. It wasn't always about sex either. When my present wife started the conversation of having been in a threesome, it was wow. There is more than two people. But we both went into it eyes open. I felt free to be me. For the first time the old guilt trips of my upbringing was gone.

If your fiance is unwilling to accept you as you are, the relation is doomed to failure. You will wonder if you made the right choice, she may always suspect you doing it on the outside of the relationship. Guilt, jealousy and mistrust do not make a relationship.
 
rubidoux said:
Self, I agree that it's important to talk to her and work this out before you guys marry. I am worried, though, that she may feel like she's been betrayed by both her partner and her best friend. I think that could be a pretty scary position to be in, especially if she doesn't have other people that she's very close to.
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That's why I agree with graviton that he doesn't need to reference his feelings for the friend in order to be honest, even "fully" honest. He hasn't acted on those feelings, and I don't believe that honesty equals sharing every last corner of your soul. We're all entitled to a little privacy, even with our spouses.

It's not like he was going along for years happily monogamous and then met this person and was like "Wow, I was happy with monogamy until I met this person. Now I feel like I'm going to die if I can't have her." No. She was just the lens that allowed him to see what was already there. It's the "what's there" that's important, not the lens that helped you discover it.

There's no need to pursue this specific relationship, despite whatever feelings you have right now. Everyone has a "messy list" -- people whom you just don't touch. I would absolutely include a spouse's best friend on that list, along with family and coworkers. No relationship is guaranteed to last forever, and the fallout between you and the best friend could have serious consequences for their friendship. That could lead to resentment from your fiancee, which could easily leave you without either one of them in your life.

Frankly, I would be less worried about that if you and your fiancee and the best friend had your gold stars in communication. But you obviously don't. You've been hiding this from her, you're scared to have an honest discussion, and she freaks out when you try to bring it up. Add in that the best friend and your wife obviously haven't discussed polyamory, despite the friend's knowledge of it. So basically, you guys are 0 for 3 on open, honest communication. With those credentials, the chances of the three of you surviving the vee experiment with all friendships intact... aren't great. It's hard enough to maintain friendships after breakups when everyone's awesome at communication. When they aren't? Forget it.

Instead focus on yourself and your lifelong inclinations. Tell her what you said about your parents' marriage, about how monogamy has never felt quite right but you didn't have a framework for any alternatives until recently. Because your inclinations have nothing, zilch, to do with the best friend. That's all about you and only you. The friend is just the lens. When you show someone a photograph, you don't show them the lens, you show them the results.

And spend some time and energy getting over the best friend. I just wouldn't go there. I wouldn't feel very good about myself if I did something that jeopardized my spouse's relationship with their best friend, knowing ahead of time that the risk was there, knowing that I could have avoided it, and then selfishly choosing to pursue it anyway.

After all, being polyamorous doesn't mean you have to pursue each and every flutter in your heart. We can control our behaviour completely, and our emotions to a large extent as well. You can open up about having polyamorist inclinations without muddying up the waters with her best friend.
 
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SchrodingersCat said:
I don't believe that honesty equals sharing every last corner of your soul. We're all entitled to a little privacy, even with our spouses.
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Just shining a spotlight on this point.

Having an individual inner life is a tremendously underrated aspect to a successful, harmonious long term relationship. It's not even possible to "share everything" as many couples aspire to do, nor is it optimum because if you're awake and actively working on your emotional development, then the person most entwined with you emotionally isn't in a position to objectively hear all of your raw ruminations which are so much inner drama having to do with yourself. Married couples in our present day society are encouraged at every turn to worship at the altar of Togetherness and that is often the very thing that saps the life blood of the relationship.
 
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