My intro: difficulty finding my identity

Acakes

New member
Female, married. Struggling with my identity. A little over a year ago I started developing or noticing I had feelings for a friend. After many conversations with my therapist I asked my partner to open our marriage of ten years. While my partner is accepting of alternative lifestyles, that is 100% not the life he wants to live. At that time he was also unwilling to attend couples therapy.

Instead of distancing myself from my friend, I started confiding in him more, specifically about my desires for multiple partners. I’m sure you can guess that I started cheating on my partner with this friend. I know. Not ethical.

My emotions during this time were so erratic that my doctors believed I could have a more serious mood disorder, such as bipolar II. My behaviors during this time were so uncharacteristic. I looking back on it now I’m assuming in was a combination of extreme anxiety, inner conflict, and possibly even NRE.

About 3 months into the affair my partner found out and finally agreed to see a marriage counselor. For the last 6 months we have been attending couples therapy. I have sat thru months of sessions being told my feelings for my affair partner are a fantasy and I am in “affair fog." This made me feel that I couldn’t trust my own feelings or intuition. I had lost all trust in myself.

I recently googled “Is it possible to love two people?” and discovered polyamory. It was like the clouds parted. It was the first time I really put a label on my emotions and my thoughts toward marriage. (I love more than one person, I’ve always remained friends with sexual partners, I need deep emotional connections with sexual partners, I never wanted to change my name, I refuse the title of wife, and so on.)

Once I started voicing my true feelings, the sort of manic behaviors and mood swings I was experiencing subsided. Even if we repair our marriage, my partner will NEVER agree to a non-monogamous relationship. I respect that, but I’m at an impasse. My partner supports me in whatever I decide and wants me to be happy, whether it’s a mono relationship with him, or a polyamorous life on my own. There is so much love and respect between the two of us. I want to be with this man. I want the life we built together, but I have this ache in my heart and a gnawing desire for what could be my most authentic self. I need encouragement or a friend that has gone through a similar experience. I’m struggling.
 
I'm so sorry.

You seem to have a very clear view on your own situation, which is a good thing. You're also in a place of good communication with your partner, so you're able to agree on peaceful divorce (and coparenting?). That is also a good thing.

If you have practical reasons to put off the pursuit of polyamory, such as young kids or financial difficulties, you could even agree on "monogamy for the time being," with the perspective of making preparations for parting later on, although I am not sure if or how a relationship with a vision of future parting could work.

Polyamory does have its difficulties, so you might consider if some form of "extended monogamy," where you have the freedom to feel your feelings and talk about them, but won't pursue physical intimacy with others. This could be a viable model for you.

Whatever you decide, I cheer you on.
 
Welcome!

I'm glad you found the help and counselling you need. You sound like you know what you want, and need some confirmation?

It's better to part ways amicably now as good friends and co-parents than with maybe resentment in the future if you continue to choose to do monogamy.

You can still continue to build a life with him as a best friend and coparent, as you'll always be connected through your kid(s), if you have them.

You could give yourself an "expiration date," such as "in X days/weeks/months I will have decided to go for monogamy or polyamory," and work out a (exit) plan with partner. You don't have to decide right now.
 
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Greetings Acakes,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You do seem to be poly. I'm sorry your partner is not willing to let you do that (on pain of breaking up). It looks like you are being pulled in two directions, one you can't be monogamous, and two you can't divorce. I take it you can see that these two directions are mutually exclusive. If you stay married -- and I think you will -- you will have to sacrifice your poly feelings. I'm sorry I can't think of any way to reconcile these two directions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I just want you all to know how much it means that you replied. I am having a hard time opening up to friends and family about my sexuality. I’m not a prude, by any means, but I feel fragile right now. Thank you for listening. My partner actually suggested making friends in the poly community to help guide me through this process. I only wish I’d taken this step sooner!

We are voluntarily childless, but our lives are enmeshed in so many other wonderful ways. We've pretty much decided to remain mono for now, while continuing to explore and finding out who we are. There really is no immediate need to make a decision, but I don’t necessarily think that’s fair for my partner. I feel like being poly makes me a liability, if that makes sense. Is there trusted information/support available for poly people in mono relationships? Any suggestions for what I should be reading or doing, I guess?
 
You need to find some way to be okay with monogamy, it doesn't sound like polyamory is in the cards for you. Is there any chance your partner will ever change his mind? I hope so.
 
I’m not hopeful that he will change his mind. He is still healing from the affair. We talked about building trust and revisiting a conversation about boundaries when that day comes. I’m not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I’m trying to find a new individual therapist that specializes in polyamory. My previous therapist suggested that as a way to increase awareness and my identity.
 
I just want you all to know how much it means that you replied. I am having a hard time opening up to friends and family about my sexuality. I’m not a prude, by any means, but I feel fragile right now. Thank you for listening. My partner actually suggested making friends in the poly community to help guide me through this process. I only wish I’d taken this step sooner!

We are voluntarily childless, but our lives are enmeshed in so many other wonderful ways. We've pretty much decided to remain mono for now, while continuing to explore and finding out who we are. There really is no immediate need to make a decision, but I don’t necessarily think that’s fair for my partner. I feel like being poly makes me a liability, if that makes sense. Is there trusted information/support available for poly people in mono relationships? Any suggestions for what I should be reading or doing, I guess?
As far as reading or doing, Kevin suggested our Golden Nuggets section. There you will find many many books and articles to read, a podcast, and links to many archived threads on common polyamory topics, including those concerning what to do when one partner realizes they are poly, while the other is mono.



A lot of people start with the book Opening Up.

Most formerly monogamous couples do at least a year, if not two, of reading and research into polyamory before actually starting to date others. in your case, your spouse is definitely mono himself. He says now that he'd rather divorce than be in a poly marriage, and that's fine. You are able to love more than one, and since you believe that is your true nature, it would be soul crushing to stifle that for the rest of your life. Therefore, reading up on what the heck to do next, how to design your future together (how close to be, how to explain to your future lovers that you are close with your former spouse, etc.) could use some guidelines.
 
Well I will need a year or two to devour everyone’s reading list! 🤣 I am constantly reading articles. Anything I can find through google searches so thank you for narrowing things down for me! I read The Ethical Slut. Dossie is my idol. I found a short little read on Audible called Nonmonagamy and Neurodiversity. For anyone with ADHD (that’s me) or a partner with ADHD it is enlightening. I’m really excited to learn more about myself and be somewhat part of this amazing community. I cannot thank you all enough! So much encouragement and support makes me feel understood and accepted. If anyone wants to continue to chat about anything at all I would love to listen to and get to know all of you!
 
Hey, it happens I went through the same thing a few years back with my wife. If it's meant to be, it will happen, if not, it won't. But in the end, you gotta make yourself happy.
 
If you don’t mind me asking, are you and your wife still together?
 
Don't mind at all. Our relationship is kind of complicated. We are still "together," but separated. It has nothing to do with being poly or from her past adventures. Feel free to DM me if you have specific questions, as I feel that I can give you a little insight. We started our poly journey about 4 years ago and I chose to stay mono.
 
Yes! ktd even posted a link if you scroll up. I used to see a therapist that specialized in non monogamy before I even knew I was poly. We just really clicked but when I changed jobs she didn’t take my new insurance. The person I’ve been seeing for the last 6 months knows very little about poly. So I had my old therapist sent out the bat signal. She got me three names and I was able to schedule something with one of them so far. Fingers crossed that I vibe with them!
 
I might have to look into that, I see a therapest for other issues but have always been to worried about judgment to bring up my our ploy lifestyle.
 
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