Female, married. Struggling with my identity. A little over a year ago I started developing or noticing I had feelings for a friend. After many conversations with my therapist I asked my partner to open our marriage of ten years. While my partner is accepting of alternative lifestyles, that is 100% not the life he wants to live. At that time he was also unwilling to attend couples therapy.
Instead of distancing myself from my friend, I started confiding in him more, specifically about my desires for multiple partners. I’m sure you can guess that I started cheating on my partner with this friend. I know. Not ethical.
My emotions during this time were so erratic that my doctors believed I could have a more serious mood disorder, such as bipolar II. My behaviors during this time were so uncharacteristic. I looking back on it now I’m assuming in was a combination of extreme anxiety, inner conflict, and possibly even NRE.
About 3 months into the affair my partner found out and finally agreed to see a marriage counselor. For the last 6 months we have been attending couples therapy. I have sat thru months of sessions being told my feelings for my affair partner are a fantasy and I am in “affair fog." This made me feel that I couldn’t trust my own feelings or intuition. I had lost all trust in myself.
I recently googled “Is it possible to love two people?” and discovered polyamory. It was like the clouds parted. It was the first time I really put a label on my emotions and my thoughts toward marriage. (I love more than one person, I’ve always remained friends with sexual partners, I need deep emotional connections with sexual partners, I never wanted to change my name, I refuse the title of wife, and so on.)
Once I started voicing my true feelings, the sort of manic behaviors and mood swings I was experiencing subsided. Even if we repair our marriage, my partner will NEVER agree to a non-monogamous relationship. I respect that, but I’m at an impasse. My partner supports me in whatever I decide and wants me to be happy, whether it’s a mono relationship with him, or a polyamorous life on my own. There is so much love and respect between the two of us. I want to be with this man. I want the life we built together, but I have this ache in my heart and a gnawing desire for what could be my most authentic self. I need encouragement or a friend that has gone through a similar experience. I’m struggling.
Instead of distancing myself from my friend, I started confiding in him more, specifically about my desires for multiple partners. I’m sure you can guess that I started cheating on my partner with this friend. I know. Not ethical.
My emotions during this time were so erratic that my doctors believed I could have a more serious mood disorder, such as bipolar II. My behaviors during this time were so uncharacteristic. I looking back on it now I’m assuming in was a combination of extreme anxiety, inner conflict, and possibly even NRE.
About 3 months into the affair my partner found out and finally agreed to see a marriage counselor. For the last 6 months we have been attending couples therapy. I have sat thru months of sessions being told my feelings for my affair partner are a fantasy and I am in “affair fog." This made me feel that I couldn’t trust my own feelings or intuition. I had lost all trust in myself.
I recently googled “Is it possible to love two people?” and discovered polyamory. It was like the clouds parted. It was the first time I really put a label on my emotions and my thoughts toward marriage. (I love more than one person, I’ve always remained friends with sexual partners, I need deep emotional connections with sexual partners, I never wanted to change my name, I refuse the title of wife, and so on.)
Once I started voicing my true feelings, the sort of manic behaviors and mood swings I was experiencing subsided. Even if we repair our marriage, my partner will NEVER agree to a non-monogamous relationship. I respect that, but I’m at an impasse. My partner supports me in whatever I decide and wants me to be happy, whether it’s a mono relationship with him, or a polyamorous life on my own. There is so much love and respect between the two of us. I want to be with this man. I want the life we built together, but I have this ache in my heart and a gnawing desire for what could be my most authentic self. I need encouragement or a friend that has gone through a similar experience. I’m struggling.