RosesAreRainbow
Member
As I just passed a very significant birthday, I've been reflecting on my life, lessons learned, mistakes and joys. The years are like journals lined up on a shelf. Some are more worn than others, some are fat, some are thin, some are leather bound, some are black and white student composition books. Some I'd rather let go and burn in a fire, but I won't. They are part of who I am.
I'll go backwards. Presently I am in a marriage/relationship of 6 years to a man who did not previously identify as poly. However he did know I was poly when we started to date. He answered an ad on a dating website where I was very openly poly and in a relationship. When that relationship ended he became my only partner. As we were both getting up there in age and the biological clock was ticking, and he had no children of his own and desired one, we decided to close our relationship and focus on having a baby. It took a great deal of effort and involved an egg donor (my bio clock had run out) and IVF. One round was all it took to produce our precious miracle baby. The child is now 3 years old. She was also the only grandchild for his aging parents. My husband is himself adopted by his parents, so having her was a big deal.
I wish I could say it was all a wonderful fairy tale, but it was not. The birth of our child happened right before Covid shut everything down. All the family and friend help that was offered to us late-in-life parents was suddenly not allowed to happen after all. My husband was put on furlough right after his 2 week paternity leave ended. I was planning to take the full 12 weeks maternity leave offered by my company, but my FMLA had run out due to extended bedrest. And . . . being that I'm a healthcare worker, I was called back to work at 10 weeks postpartum to work with dying Covid patients. I was so afraid in those early days of infecting my family. I had a little strip down station in the garage, and then ran right into the shower to scrub the Covid off. Due to luck and due diligence I never contracted Covid.
So now we have a new baby, no help, sleep deprivation, a pandemic, and financial stress. This was the perfect recipe for disaster. My husband, who is a recovered alcoholic (and to his credit remains clean now for 7 years), became addicted to video games. He played them night and day. He took care of the baby when she was awake, and played games at all other times. He didn't sleep much. He would go to bed at 5AM when I was waking up for work. He spun into a bipolar mania we didn't know he had. He became addicted to shopping and his untidy nature turned into hoarding, like you see on TV shows. The garage filled. The back yard filled. The house filled. My older child came home from college. The next youngest child's high school was closed. I went from work at a Covid unit to home with craziness. Husband developed paranoid delusions when things got really bad. He has never been violent with his body or his words. He just turned into a very lost, manic, then depressed person. It was hard to get him into see anyone due to the pandemic. He finally got on some meds about 1.5 years in.
He turned into a zombie, but at least he was not manic anymore. Finally, he was able to get some therapy. Things got better. I felt very secure in our marriage again, attended Al-anon to learn boundaries and acceptance of his video game and spending addictions. He got about 60% better. Kids went back to school. Toddler went to daycare. I was able to not work the Covid unit anymore. Husband working full time again, Meds adjusted back so husband no longer a zombie. And, we paid off all our debt.
Then 2022-- we had toddler's 2nd bday and it was lovely. We had our friends and family over for a backyard party. We were cleaning up after the party and I told him I felt really blessed with healthy kids, good financial place . . . and he sat me down and said, "I have something to tell you." He said, "I am an addict and I have a problem spending money." He proceeded to tell me he spent a HUGE amt of money on some collectibles, including going into debt and cashing out an 401K of his. I was so so so devastated. He did this behind my back. That was the worst part. He was such a sad sight, so broken. He went back his therapist and his doctor, had meds adjusted again, started to put together a plan to pay off debt. Then he lost his job, because during that manic episode he also had poor work performance. So now we are back to square one again, minus the pandemic. His parents helped with daycare, he was unemployed for 5 months. The interest on the debt was high so I pulled from my savings to pay it off in one big lump sum. Luckily we have always had separate finances.
He started more intense addiction therapy, we did marriage counseling, I got spiritual/religious, he found a less stressful job with good benefits, and has as of last month paid me back all of the debt. So that's how we started 2023. I believe he is truly sorry. I believe he is sincere in trying to get help and keep stable. I love him for it. We found out that his birth family has a long hx of bipolar. So I'm being supportive. He is an amazing father. We are working on building trust again, but I don't think I'll ever 100% trust him ever again for the rest of my life. And that's a sad thing. But it is what it is.
During the darker times he did not want to hold me or touch me or be intimate. Even as he is stable he has good and bad days (we all do, but his go on for extended periods of time). I am a touch person. I need touch like I need food and water. I was starving. I adopted a wonderful dog from the pound and that was a good start. I slept with her next to me on the nights he didn't come to bed at all, or came to bed and didn't want to be touched. I started to talk to him about opening up our marriage again now that the toddler was older, I am more rested, and we are in a better place overall. He balked at this and took it personally. I guess in one sense it is personal-- I crave a lot of touch. I think I crave more than one person can give, and I love very intensely, too. I don't think it's fair to expect one person to meet all of someone's needs.
I told him I was not comfortable with just inviting a random stranger into a relationship. I have major trust issues now, for one thing. But I was seeking at least an emotional connection and friendship, with possibilities for more if it happened to feel right. He agreed, hesitantly. I think he had forgotten or taken it for granted that I had been mono with him for 6 years and would always be. But I've never been. And so after some more talking, I told him I need to do this, for me. It is part of who I am. And although it may look like I'm doing it out of spite because of his problems that we went through, that was not it at all. It was the right time for me. And for once I was going to put me first, and he needed to support me.
So, I contacted an old poly friend. I asked if he was available for a friendship and he said he was available for whatever level of relationship I wanted. I had not been in touch with this man for many years. I met him at the same time as I met my husband, with the same ad. I had gone out on two dates with him (nothing more than a light kiss). He was a very wonderful person. There was a connection. But at that time his life was falling apart, including his marriage, and he had children. And it was just not the right time for me to enter into his life. We kept texting here and there, intermittently. And then before I married my husband and we started fertility treatments, I told this man I was going to close off our relationship and it was probably best that we didn't stay in touch. He understood and then he focused on putting his own life back together.
So then we reconnected more recently and it was like no time had passed at all. There was an immediate, instant, organic, strong connection through text. Within a week we had arranged to meet, and there was the possibility there would be intimacy. I kept my husband in the loop on all of this. He tried to be supportive and I tried very hard not to show my NRE around him. I spent a lot of time reassuring him that I loved him, he was my husband, and thanking him for allowing to be who I needed to be. On our first date together, let's just say it was magical and our connection was real. It was like coming home, and it was like we had always known each other.
I am a long-term kinda person. I don't mess around. If I love someone I love them long-term or as long as it's healthy and maybe then some (as in husband's case). As these weeks have passed I have seen my Partner twice a week. It's going well. Husband is coming around. He's seeing that I'm happy, and that the love and happiness flows right back to him. He is also taking better care of himself, which I love. Next week we are going to all go out to eat together. Husband has been talking to his counselor about this situation and the counselor has basically encouraged me and us to do this, as long as we are all open and honest about it. He has relaxed so much. So after the dinner, I hope that Partner can sometimes come over to our home. I have a private office and that's where we would spend our private time. I think this is going to work out. Partner is an experienced, honest, wonderful and loving poly man, and I'm an experienced poly woman. And, husband kinda knew my history and what he was getting into. And I love him for supporting me.
That's a lot of writing for now! I'm going to work my way backwards and talk about the horrible toxic poly relationship I was in when I met both husband and Partner the first time, 6 years ago.
I'll go backwards. Presently I am in a marriage/relationship of 6 years to a man who did not previously identify as poly. However he did know I was poly when we started to date. He answered an ad on a dating website where I was very openly poly and in a relationship. When that relationship ended he became my only partner. As we were both getting up there in age and the biological clock was ticking, and he had no children of his own and desired one, we decided to close our relationship and focus on having a baby. It took a great deal of effort and involved an egg donor (my bio clock had run out) and IVF. One round was all it took to produce our precious miracle baby. The child is now 3 years old. She was also the only grandchild for his aging parents. My husband is himself adopted by his parents, so having her was a big deal.
I wish I could say it was all a wonderful fairy tale, but it was not. The birth of our child happened right before Covid shut everything down. All the family and friend help that was offered to us late-in-life parents was suddenly not allowed to happen after all. My husband was put on furlough right after his 2 week paternity leave ended. I was planning to take the full 12 weeks maternity leave offered by my company, but my FMLA had run out due to extended bedrest. And . . . being that I'm a healthcare worker, I was called back to work at 10 weeks postpartum to work with dying Covid patients. I was so afraid in those early days of infecting my family. I had a little strip down station in the garage, and then ran right into the shower to scrub the Covid off. Due to luck and due diligence I never contracted Covid.
So now we have a new baby, no help, sleep deprivation, a pandemic, and financial stress. This was the perfect recipe for disaster. My husband, who is a recovered alcoholic (and to his credit remains clean now for 7 years), became addicted to video games. He played them night and day. He took care of the baby when she was awake, and played games at all other times. He didn't sleep much. He would go to bed at 5AM when I was waking up for work. He spun into a bipolar mania we didn't know he had. He became addicted to shopping and his untidy nature turned into hoarding, like you see on TV shows. The garage filled. The back yard filled. The house filled. My older child came home from college. The next youngest child's high school was closed. I went from work at a Covid unit to home with craziness. Husband developed paranoid delusions when things got really bad. He has never been violent with his body or his words. He just turned into a very lost, manic, then depressed person. It was hard to get him into see anyone due to the pandemic. He finally got on some meds about 1.5 years in.
He turned into a zombie, but at least he was not manic anymore. Finally, he was able to get some therapy. Things got better. I felt very secure in our marriage again, attended Al-anon to learn boundaries and acceptance of his video game and spending addictions. He got about 60% better. Kids went back to school. Toddler went to daycare. I was able to not work the Covid unit anymore. Husband working full time again, Meds adjusted back so husband no longer a zombie. And, we paid off all our debt.
Then 2022-- we had toddler's 2nd bday and it was lovely. We had our friends and family over for a backyard party. We were cleaning up after the party and I told him I felt really blessed with healthy kids, good financial place . . . and he sat me down and said, "I have something to tell you." He said, "I am an addict and I have a problem spending money." He proceeded to tell me he spent a HUGE amt of money on some collectibles, including going into debt and cashing out an 401K of his. I was so so so devastated. He did this behind my back. That was the worst part. He was such a sad sight, so broken. He went back his therapist and his doctor, had meds adjusted again, started to put together a plan to pay off debt. Then he lost his job, because during that manic episode he also had poor work performance. So now we are back to square one again, minus the pandemic. His parents helped with daycare, he was unemployed for 5 months. The interest on the debt was high so I pulled from my savings to pay it off in one big lump sum. Luckily we have always had separate finances.
He started more intense addiction therapy, we did marriage counseling, I got spiritual/religious, he found a less stressful job with good benefits, and has as of last month paid me back all of the debt. So that's how we started 2023. I believe he is truly sorry. I believe he is sincere in trying to get help and keep stable. I love him for it. We found out that his birth family has a long hx of bipolar. So I'm being supportive. He is an amazing father. We are working on building trust again, but I don't think I'll ever 100% trust him ever again for the rest of my life. And that's a sad thing. But it is what it is.
During the darker times he did not want to hold me or touch me or be intimate. Even as he is stable he has good and bad days (we all do, but his go on for extended periods of time). I am a touch person. I need touch like I need food and water. I was starving. I adopted a wonderful dog from the pound and that was a good start. I slept with her next to me on the nights he didn't come to bed at all, or came to bed and didn't want to be touched. I started to talk to him about opening up our marriage again now that the toddler was older, I am more rested, and we are in a better place overall. He balked at this and took it personally. I guess in one sense it is personal-- I crave a lot of touch. I think I crave more than one person can give, and I love very intensely, too. I don't think it's fair to expect one person to meet all of someone's needs.
I told him I was not comfortable with just inviting a random stranger into a relationship. I have major trust issues now, for one thing. But I was seeking at least an emotional connection and friendship, with possibilities for more if it happened to feel right. He agreed, hesitantly. I think he had forgotten or taken it for granted that I had been mono with him for 6 years and would always be. But I've never been. And so after some more talking, I told him I need to do this, for me. It is part of who I am. And although it may look like I'm doing it out of spite because of his problems that we went through, that was not it at all. It was the right time for me. And for once I was going to put me first, and he needed to support me.
So, I contacted an old poly friend. I asked if he was available for a friendship and he said he was available for whatever level of relationship I wanted. I had not been in touch with this man for many years. I met him at the same time as I met my husband, with the same ad. I had gone out on two dates with him (nothing more than a light kiss). He was a very wonderful person. There was a connection. But at that time his life was falling apart, including his marriage, and he had children. And it was just not the right time for me to enter into his life. We kept texting here and there, intermittently. And then before I married my husband and we started fertility treatments, I told this man I was going to close off our relationship and it was probably best that we didn't stay in touch. He understood and then he focused on putting his own life back together.
So then we reconnected more recently and it was like no time had passed at all. There was an immediate, instant, organic, strong connection through text. Within a week we had arranged to meet, and there was the possibility there would be intimacy. I kept my husband in the loop on all of this. He tried to be supportive and I tried very hard not to show my NRE around him. I spent a lot of time reassuring him that I loved him, he was my husband, and thanking him for allowing to be who I needed to be. On our first date together, let's just say it was magical and our connection was real. It was like coming home, and it was like we had always known each other.
I am a long-term kinda person. I don't mess around. If I love someone I love them long-term or as long as it's healthy and maybe then some (as in husband's case). As these weeks have passed I have seen my Partner twice a week. It's going well. Husband is coming around. He's seeing that I'm happy, and that the love and happiness flows right back to him. He is also taking better care of himself, which I love. Next week we are going to all go out to eat together. Husband has been talking to his counselor about this situation and the counselor has basically encouraged me and us to do this, as long as we are all open and honest about it. He has relaxed so much. So after the dinner, I hope that Partner can sometimes come over to our home. I have a private office and that's where we would spend our private time. I think this is going to work out. Partner is an experienced, honest, wonderful and loving poly man, and I'm an experienced poly woman. And, husband kinda knew my history and what he was getting into. And I love him for supporting me.
That's a lot of writing for now! I'm going to work my way backwards and talk about the horrible toxic poly relationship I was in when I met both husband and Partner the first time, 6 years ago.