My poly girlfriend wants to have a child with her husband.

A

afireinaleo

New member
Hello Everyone,

I'm pretty new to being in a poly relationship. I have been with my poly girlfriend for two and a half months now. I have never fallen quite so in love with someone the way I have with her, and the feelings are mutual. Recently, she and her husband have decided to have a child soon, and I really don't know what to do.

I know how a child takes every second of your life to properly raise and nurture. I realize this is comes from a place of selfishness, but I am really scared and worried we will not be able to spend anymore time together. I want to be there for her, no matter what she decides, because I love her with all my heart and soul. But this is really eating away at me.

If there are people out there that have gone through this situation, or have advice on this situation, your input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
Kids do take a lot of time and new mothers tend to not want to leave their babies. Could she carve out seeing you once or twice per month? Maybe. But what if she can't? More than likely she won't. If things are more kitchen table, then maybe you could help her out by watching baby while she showers or naps, shop for them, or do other things to help make her life easier. But a romantic relationship will be difficult, and most first-time parents don't figure that out until the baby is born. You are right to be concerned. Things will probably end or slow WAY down after baby is born. It's up to you if you want to end it now, when things are still new or wait and maybe be more hurt later.
 
Hello afireinaleo,

It seems to me that it is generally accepted, in this monogamous society, that a woman will have children with her husband. She is just following the script that life has handed her, she is riding the relationship escalator with her husband.

Her life will definitely change when she has a child. I don't suppose she'll never see you again, but she'll certainly have to spend less time with you. It's possible you'll be able to spend some time with her with the child in tow, if you can settle for that.

Have you talked to her about your feelings?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
How do all of you feel about the child being part of all your lives? It can work if you all feel that the child can be loved by all of you. Have you talked to her husband, met him, discussed this? Maybe husband would be fine with watching baby and giving her some nice free time to relax and recharge. I remember when my kids were babies-- I loved it when my husband would watch kids while I went out with friends. Just saying.
 
We have talked a little about it, and as I said, I want to be there for her. But I am really scared of the the situation.
 
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BirdieMakes3 said:
How do all of you feel about the child being part of all your lives? It can work if you all feel that the child can be loved by all of you. Have you talked to her husband, met him, discussed this? Maybe husband would be fine with watching baby and giving her some nice free time to relax and recharge. I remember when my kids were babies-- I loved it when my husband would watch kids while I went out with friends. Just saying.
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I would personally love being there. I love her to the point where I just want what she wants in this. I haven't meet with him, or talked with him yet, but I would like to. She has told me that he is having a rough time with her and my relationship because of how close we have gotten. I guess that's what is scaring me. I would also would love to watch the child when they go out.

To add on to the complexity, I would also like children soon, and if things keep going the way they are, I would definitely like her to be the mother of my children also.
 
afireinaleo said:
I would personally love being there. I love her to the point where I just want what she wants in this. I haven't meet with him, or talked with him yet, but I would like to. She has told me that he is having a rough time with her and my relationship because of how close we have gotten. I guess that's what is scaring me. I would also would love to watch the child when they go out. To add on to the complexity, I would also like children soon, and if things keep going the way they are, I would definitely like her to be the mother of my children also.
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You sound like a very open and caring person. I do think that talking to the husband is something you need and deserve to have happen. Right now she has all the veto power-- and he might too. You have no rights and that is not fair, unless you agreed to this in the beginning. Sometimes we don't know what we want or deserve until it's upon us and we are in the situation. If this doesn't work out, I'm sure you will make an amazing partner to someone, and a wonderful parent too.
 
afireinaleo said:
I haven't meet with his or talked with him yet but I would like to. She has told me that he is having a rough time with her and my relationship, because of how close we have gotten. I guess that's what is scaring me.
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Re-reading your answer, I wonder if the husband is wanting to have a child with her to solidify their bond and relationship, in light of her having closeness with you.
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
You sound like a very open and caring person. I do think that talking to the husband should be something you need and deserve to have happen. Right now she has all the veto power-- and he might too. You have no rights and that is not fair, unless you agreed to this in the beginning. Sometimes we don't know what we want or deserve until it's upon us and we are in the situation. If this doesn't work out, I'm sure you will make an amazing partner to someone and a wonderful parent too.
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Thank you very much and I completely agree.
 
Regardless, you need to talk to her to tell you how you feel, what role you'd like to play, see what she had in mind, and if they match.
 
I suggest you continue talking with your GF. It's only been 2.5 months of dating. It's reasonable to ask how their family planning will impact (you + her) dating life.

I'm not sure it is reasonable to start family planning with her yourself after only two months of dating. That seems premature. She might not want kids with you. Her husband might be okay with polyamory, but NOT wanting to raise kids together, in a blended-family grouping.

I would personally love being there. I love her to the point where I just want what she wants in this.
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After two months? What's the hurry? It's okay to be in love, but just molding yourself around whatever she wants, going along with whatever she says? One doesn't subsume oneself to a relationship.

I haven't meet with him, or talked with him yet, but I would like to. She has told me that he is having a rough time with her and my relationship, because of how close we have gotten. I guess that's what is scaring me.
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Why is she oversharing things he told her in confidence, telling you about his private feelings? Does she tell him things that you told her in confidence? Is she a sloppy hinge?

I would also would love to watch the child when they go out.
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You are not the free babysitter. And you might not want to get that tight with their new baby. Obviously be kind to child, because, child. But do not get super attached and do not allow the child to call you things you are NOT, honorifics like "mama" or "papa," or "aunt" or "uncle," or any of that, not even if the parents encourage this.

Stick with "family friend" names like Mr Afireinaleo, Ms Afireinaleo, Mx Afireinaleo, or whatever your preference. It can be very painful to get attached to a child that is not yours. And if something happens, and the custodial parent whisks them away and no longer consents to you seeing them, even more painful. Tread with caution there.

To add on to the complexity, I would also like children soon and if things keep going the way they are, I would definitely like her to be the mother of my children also.
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Slow your roll on that. Again, you're only two months in. Continue to talk to her about all these things, but pace yourself. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
Bobbi said:
Regardless, you need to talk to her to tell you how you feel, what role you'd like to play, and see what she had in mind...
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GalaGirl said:
I suggest you continue talking with GF. It's only been 2.5 months of dating. It's reasonable to ask how their family planning will impact (you + her) dating life.

I'm not sure it is reasonable to start family planning with her yourself at only two months of dating. That seems premature. She might not want kids with you. Her husband might be okay with polyamory, but NOT wanting to raise kids together in a blended-family grouping.

After two months? What's the hurry? It's okay to be in love, but just molding yourself around whatever she wants, going along with whatever she says? One doesn't subsume oneself to a relationship.

Why is she oversharing things he told her in confidence, and telling you about his private feelings? Does she tell him things that you told her in confidence? Is she a sloppy hinge?

You are not the free babysitter. And you might not want to get that tight with their new baby. Obviously be kind to child because child. But do not get super attached and do not allow the child to call you things you are NOT, honorifics like "mama" or "papa," or "aunt" or "uncle," or any of that, not even if the parents encourages this.

Stick with "family friend" names like Mr Afireinaleo, Ms Afireinaleo, Mx Afireinaleo, or whatever your preference. It can be very painful to get attached to a child that is not yours, and something happens, and the custodial parent whisks them away and no longer consents to you seeing them. Tread with caution there.

Slow your roll on that. Again, you're only two months in. Continue to talk to her about all these things, but pace yourself. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
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I strongly agree with all the things you have said. I do not want kids with her quite yet. I was just saying I could see that in the future. I know it's pretty easy to think only 2.5 months is premature to have these feelings. I have always been the same way in my life and with all my relationships. But our relationship has definitely thrown those reservations out the window.

She's not telling me the things he has said. She has just said he's having a hard time with it. In no way I am molding myself to her, either. This has been a relationship of very open honest communication on both sides.
 
If you plan to become a long-term friend of the family, the kid WILL get to know you as an uncle figure, hopefully a fun uncle, even if you are officially "our friend Afireinleo."

If the dad gets more fully on board -- the big if? -- the parents will appreciate whatever help you provide them, even if it's just some social variety and relief. Who knows? You could become the extended-family member who takes the kid to theme parks, teaches them how to fish or hike or do amateur astronomy, and relieves the parents of some load. To the extent you choose. Chosen family is a good thing, especially because the extended members can set how much they want to be involved!

This assumes you and Husband will get along well, or can learn to. And BTW, since he is troubled by the situation as it exists, don't even think of having kids with her. Find your own parent-partner, one who buys into the whole setup.
 
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If you want to stay involved with your partner long term, and vice versa, it's time for her husband to get okay with her relationship with you. I don't know what it will take for him to accept your closeness. Maybe he expected her to have just a sexual relationship with you, and not fall in love. Lots of previously mono (I assume they are previously mono, or maybe swingers at most) think one can easily have casual sexual relationships without falling in love. It's not that easy to keep from falling in love when you get along great and the sex is amazing, though!

I wonder why she decided to start a poly relationship and now almost immediately wants to extend her energies by planning to have a child. You and she are in NRE (new relationship energy), where things are intense and obsessive. At least, they are on your side, obviously.

I also think the hubs might be pressuring her to start TTCing now, to take her mind off you and onto a new baby with him. If that's the case, he won't want to meet you, get to know you, have you over the house, spend the night, or agree to his wife spending the night at your place, much less allow you to come over and take care of his child and insert yourself into the family as the beloved uncle.

I have had a somewhat similar experience... I started dating a man who got married to his other gf (who'd been with him a year or so) a couple months after he and I met. We weren't in love yet, but there was definitely potential for something good. His wife was also poly and not at all jealous of him seeing other women. He'd had another gf prior to meeting me, but they'd broken up.

Anyway, this couple had five kids by prior marriages. Two of the kids were older, teens, and spent most of their time with their mother (my bf's ex-wife). But the other three were with him and his new wife. After my bf and I had only had a few dates, he told me his new wife and he had conceived. I was very happy for them, but I knew she needed him now, while going through the stresses of pregnancy, and the stresses of having a newborn, while juggling the schedules of the other kids at the same time!

So, regretfully, I backed off. I told him I didn't want to drain him. I told him I definitely wanted to pick up with him again once the baby was like, 6-9 months old. He was pretty hurt by my decision, because he liked me a lot, but I think at the same time he appreciated my gesture and sacrifice. They didn't live real close to me either, about 45 minute drive away.

So, when the baby got to be around 8 months, he did get back in touch with me, we chatted and caught up, and we were about to meet again when Covid hit and everything went to hell. I tried to keep in touch a bit by text, but what with schools closing, I can only imagine what they were going through.

So, it just wasn't meant to be.

That's my experience with the poly partner becoming a new parent.
 
afireinaleo said:
I strongly agree with all the things you have said. I do not want kids with her quite yet I was just saying I could see that in the future. I know it's pretty easy to think only 2.5 months is premature to have these feeling as I have always been the same way in my life and with all my relationships but our relationship has definitely thrown those reservations out the window. She's not telling me the things he has said she has just said he's having a hard time with it. In no way I am molding myself to her ether. This has been a relationship of very open honest communication on both sides.
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Magdlyn said:
If you want to stay involved with your partner long term, and vice versa, it's time for her husband to get okay with her relationship with you. I don't know what it will take for him to accept your closeness. Maybe he expected her to have just a sexual relationship with you, and not fall in love. Lots of previously mono (I assume they are previously mono, or maybe swingers at most) think one can easily have casual sexual relationships without falling in love. It's not that easy to keep from falling in love when you get along great and the sex is amazing, though!

I wonder why she decided to start a poly relationship and now almost immediately wants to extend her energies by planning to have a child. You and she are in NRE (new relationship energy), where things are intense and obsessive. At least, they are on your side, obviously.

I also think the hubs might be pressuring her to start TTCing now, to take her mind off you and onto a new baby with him. If that's the case, he won't want to meet you, get to know you, have you over the house, spend the night, or agree to his wife spending the night at your place, much less allow you to come over and take care of his child and insert yourself into the family as the beloved uncle.

I have had a somewhat similar experience... I started dating a man who got married to his other gf (who'd been with him a year or so) a couple months after he and I met. We weren't in love yet, but there was definitely potential for something good. His wife was also poly and not at all jealous of him seeing other women. He'd had another gf prior to meeting me, but they'd broken up.

Anyway, this couple had five kids by prior marriages. Two of the kids were older, teens, and spent most of their time with their mother (my bf's ex-wife). But the other three were with him and his new wife. After my bf and I had only had a few dates, he told me his new wife and he had conceived. I was very happy for them, but I knew she needed him now, while going through the stresses of pregnancy, and the stresses of having a newborn, while juggling the schedules of the other kids at the same time!

So, regretfully, I backed off. I told him I didn't want to drain him. I told him I definitely wanted to pick up with him again once the baby was like, 6-9 months old. He was pretty hurt by my decision, because he liked me a lot, but I think at the same time he appreciated my gesture and sacrifice. They didn't live real close to me either, about 45 minute drive away.

So, when the baby got to be around 8 months, he did get back in touch with me, we chatted and caught up, and we were about to meet again when Covid hit and everything went to hell. I tried to keep in touch a bit by text, but what with schools closing, I can only imagine what they were going through.

So, it just wasn't meant to be.

That's my experience with the poly partner becoming a new parent.
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Do you think it would be over stepping my boundaries to bring up some of these things?
 
afireinaleo said:
Do you think it would be over stepping my boundaries to bring up some of these things?
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Your boundaries are things you yourself decide you will and will not do. Simple example: I do not want anyone to put anything in my ass. I will say no. I will enforce this.

What you are asking is, is it okay for this long-term couple to tell you what you can and can not do or say.

You can, and should, ask your gf about anything you need to know. Her husband doesn't get to decide what she does in her relationship with you. You don't get to decide what she does with her husband, right? It goes both ways.

Please find and read the Secondary's Bill of Rights. That will save us both a lot of time. Read it, reflect on it, share it with gf as a tool for deeper understanding of what's going on after just two months into a poly relationship. (I think this bill of rights is in the resource sticky at the top of this page. I will check.)

Is this her first foray into polyamory?
 
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