Just to take this from the bottom first - yes she is being very supportive and I don't need to request that, we are there for each other. We have agreed a timeframe for this and that is also reassuring as it helps me know what to expect and try and adjust one step at a time. Also it is going to be just the one other guy - my partner is adamant that she has no need for more, which is also reassuring, and I've even made contact with him a couple of times and he's decent person. I think we are trying our best but as you say there is so much other stuff going on right now and I also have a huge amount of baggage going back to early childhood, which means sometimes it feels too much for me and then I do wonder if it is worth it. However I made a commitment to support her and want her to be happy and loved.
Hey man,
I am in the same boat as you and ironically cause that same issue at times with my married gf. I've spoken with her husband a few times, but he is very swingerish. So in a sense I am that other guy he raises an eyebrow at while also worrying about other guys because I was supposed to be a one off encounter. It wasn't "the plan." But as Mike Tyson says, everyone has a plan until they're punched in the mouf. Thankfully my gf and her partner adapted, though he still struggles with it on occasion until I start dating on my side. And while I cannot speak in absolute for your partners metamour, the fact that in this dark time of yours you see him as decent speaks alot to your evaluation of him. As things get better, you probably will see him better as well.
Anyways.
While my loss wasn't as personal, several months ago my gf went out looking for casual encounters with her husband at a hotel while I had just lost two people to the pandemic that I was responsible for finding additional coverage for their medical shifts. It was devastating and I sat there wondering what the kids of these people were going to do - maybe if I had done this or that they wouldn't have died of exposure. The guilt is awful, and on bad days I still wonder if there is a way to fix it. So I am not comparing here, just relaying to you I kinda get the god-awful timing life seems to love dumping relationship drama on trauma.
I also had an infidelity monogamous relationship before, and while I had a great childhood relationships were pretty much never brought up in my house so I was a late bloomer figuring this all out and I am a clinger.
So here is what I have been doing, and it may help you.
I know every alarm is blaring right now and the bells are probably flashing. But first you need to silence those. I did this over this past week when my partner just wanted a casual fling - so do not feel guilty about your feelings because your situation is so much harder to handle! I freaked out to the point she backed out, a huge red flag. You are already proceeding forward. Also, like you I felt one moment thinking of how happy she would be seeing me again and myself confident she'll return to throwing up thinking of her just kissing someone. It is normal to feel this. So I grabbed my scrap paper and wrote.
To be honest I really rolled my eyes at this at first, who the hell journals. Why is putting it on paper (or a word doc in my case) different than my thoughts? I can think faster, no? Am I a teen girl with her feet at the head of her bed with sparkle pens?
Well for one it helped me slow down. I realized I was envious that she gets to travel and have an easier time while I was dealing with literal bodies and madness. I realized that I was upset that her fling might be better looking than me, while I really was upset that I wanted to hit the gym more and my work life balance sucked. I was upset that she had a set schedule full of people to distract herself while I was really upset that I let work tire me out too much to socialize. Without slowing it down and observing what the issues behind the triggers were I wouldn't have been able to fix myself, which is something I believe you need to do yourself. So first, you need to see whats bothering you in detail so you can work on it or seek help though you seem very self aware of much so far.
Secondly, it also helped me permanently catch what my subconcious was throwing up while I was playing fortune teller with my thoughts. Some of the stuff I was able to handle myself, other stuff my gf graciously answered and explained. I still haven't understood it all, and I do not expect myself too for quite some time, but I also realized this healing isn't immediate. It is going to be a journey with ups and downs and you've already begun trying to see if you can do it (and with help you can). So second, it will help you communicate clearly about this.
Now you're in a different situation. Nobody asked for the tragedy dropped on you, but one thing I love about this board versus other poly communities (looking at you Reddit) is that not everyone talks about mental health trivially. I had some diagnoses, but I am not sure if your counselor has told you the phrase:
It isn't your fault, but it is our responsibility.
I know this is a bit of tough love, but really what it comes down to is it is up to us to fix this. We're not cars and this isn't normal medicine where things can be yanked open and fiddled around with. At least not yet. But with that self reflection I have started identifying what makes me insecure. What I need help from her with. My friends. My family.
I can categorize and keep it neat while my brain goes to spaghetti. It find out what I am responsible for to fix and treat and ask for that support.
Again, it ain't your fault brother, but where we are coming from is up to us to escape.
And one of my top things? Check in on this forum and keep writing. Keep reading and assuring myself. If you need someone to vent to feel free to PM. I have to gala many times, she is a good source of thoughtful and loving feedback with no judgement.
Lastly, I know you have things planned out with a timeframe, but as long as you are not postponing indefinitely it is not weak to ask to tap the brakes and slow things for you. If he is truly decent he will understand, and I have no doubt your sweetie will too.