Nervous

[Derbylicious]

Okay, alarm bells here! I would not be okay with you being with anyone else just yet... I would have a really hard time with that. It would lead to a lot of questions as to whether I would be okay staying in our relationship. That is too fast for me. I have no problem pointing out that I need to be respected as the one needing the most support, and therefore, the one that the pace should be set at. Yup, now I'm nervous. It seems this is all set up to revolve around the three of them, without consideration for anyone else. Hmm... Interesting how this all trickles down.

Please don't think that it's my intention now, or in the foreseeable future, to become involved romantically or sexually with her. It's just one of the many weird thoughts in my head... I was rambling. I would never consider getting involved with anyone else unless everyone who I was involved with was in a place where it was comfortable for them. We are still too new and finding our way for me to add anyone else into the mix.

You can ask whatever you need from me. If it's not something I can give, we will talk about it. That's how relationships work. I care way too much about you to do anything deliberately that would hurt you. So please ask for anything that you need from me.

One day, I'll tell you about all the crazy stuff that was going on in my head when I started dating you!

 

[Derbylicious]

K. First of all, I would say these things in front of your husband if he and I were having a discussion. I am answering this as I would any post, as it's how I talk. I am not changing anything just because I am your girlfriend.

I realize that your husband might not want to know what I think, but the fact of the matter is you have written this in a post, so I feel it is up for grabs. If there is something that comes up because of that then I will assume he will tell me. So, here goes.

Yeah, don't assume he'll tell you. He's not the best at talking to people until he knows them really well. Mostly I just get asked why he doesn't talk. And I have to reply with, "Don't get him started. He doesn't stop."

You seem to be having trouble expressing all this in times of heightened emotional intensity. I'm writing all this as a question in the hopes that I understand what is going on for you. I am hoping you will feel compelled to let us know if this is how you are feeling, and perhaps feel like you would like to expand on each point and add others.

You feel you are not being consulted or respected in terms of the speed this is going.
You feel like the delicateness of the situation has not been respected/considered in terms of you.
You are not feeling safe, secure and feel somewhat threatened by the situation.
Your insecurity about being a third wheel and not good enough is being triggered.
All of the above is making you feel out of control, and that is not comfortable for you.

Does any of this ring true? Would you change something, add something?

Yes, I feel out of control. There are a lot of unknowns. I'm a bit of a control freak with my life. I like to know what's going to happen and how I'm going to respond to things ahead of time, and in this situation I can't possibly know that. Yes, I am insecure, always have been. I've always had a bit of a feeling that I'm not good enough. I know that this is my own stuff. I really wish it would just go away.

I want to feel like I'm "fun." Yet again, it's something that I have to work on myself. No one else can make me feel "fun," and like I'm good enough. That has to come from me.

Nerdist and I have this kind of miscommunication almost daily. It can be learned from so that you can move on. It sucks, but in my experience, it's all a part of it. It doesn't help that everything else is going on, because moving on from it seems to go faster when there is nothing major going on. Which is why working on the other shit is helpful!
I barely know your hubby, you barely know mine, and we have known each other a year. It's a different type of knowing when we become a part of someone's everyday lives. It's not a casual thing. Metamours have a deeper relationship than just friends. I'm sure your hubby doesn't know her other boyfriend that well either, enough to want to be around him every day. To me, knowing someone enough to be in their everyday lives is being able to talk about the hard shit with each other without feeling like you are going to be judged and told to be dumped. Why would you want to invest in her that much before taking time to get to know her, and more importantly, how she is with hubby and your kids?

I probably know her other boyfriend better than he does. And he's nowhere near being a part of our daily lives! Although he is pleasant enough to be around, you don't get to know someone overnight. It takes time.

I'm ok with taking that time. I just want the flexibility to be able to say that I need a breather. There aren't many people that I talk about the hard shit with. It's another one of those things that I think makes me look weak. I'm so much about putting on a strong, confident front (which probably doesn't fool anyone).

None of us feel like that yet, in your whole constellation. I don't know how you are with my hubby, my boy, or my boyfriend, and we have hung out a lot. Why should you just shrug it off and believe that you will think she is the best thing ever because her boyfriends have said so? Why would you want to hang out with her all the time, or be okay with hubby being with her all the time? You and your husband don't hang out with me that much. In fact, the whole time your husband has been home, we have barely talked. Why? because I respect your primary relationship enough to give you time while he is around.

I'd love to have you and your family hang out with us more. Next time he's back, he'll be back for a lot longer, and there will be that time to hang out and have everyone get to know each other better.

Although I'll warn you now that the two of you will butt heads on a whole bunch of topics, but as long as you don't mind the debate, it's all good. I just might move myself elsewhere if it gets too heated. My husband does love a good debate, and I am a poor opponent because I take it all personally. lol

 

[LovingRadiance]

Derby, you sound like Maca. I don't have much to add, just a hug. I'm so different that it's hard for me to fully grasp the feelings you are struggling with. But I sure do hear about the same things!

 

[Derbylicious]

Derby, you sound like Maca. I don't have much to add, just a hug. I'm so different that it's hard for me to fully grasp the feelings you are struggling with, but I sure do hear about the same things!

I'm just a control freak who tends to go to worst-case scenarios right away. Usually everything is fine once it starts happening. It's just the unknown that I don't do well with.

Thanks for the hugs.

 

[redpepper]

Okay, I'm not getting this at all. Well, barely. I understood that there was stuff to work on. Is that happening? Or is all just shrugged off now? Am I missing something? 'Cause I experienced emotions that were valid from you, Derby, and now it's like, "Meh, it's nothing." What changed? I don't understand how that can all just go away, yet you aren't sleeping every night. Are you talking about this with your husband? I hope so.

 

[Derbylicious]

Yes, we are talking about things. And yes, things are still issues for me. I don't want to paint him as a bad person, and I feel like that's how it's coming across. I'm also a people pleaser. I don't want to think that the emotions I'm having are upsetting to anyone else, so it's easier to minimize them for the time being.

Not sleeping isn't good. Some of that is because of clock-watching though. It gets to be a certain time of night and there doesn't seem to be any reason to go to sleep anymore.

So nothing has really changed. I'm just taking a break from dealing with it until I have the energy to devote to it again. Too tired right now. I am sooo taking a nap this afternoon, entertaining company be damned.

 

[redpepper]

It's no ones fault. That would be like saying it was my fault that I feel in love and committed to two men. It just is. And just because it's hard doesn't mean anyone is to blame. (Unless someone's cheating. haha! Just kidding.)

Seriously though, not hearing from him is hard for me 'cause I'm just not used to that. But all I needed to know is that he is listening and you are being supported.

As to it affecting other people that you have feelings? It's that that builds relationships, for me. This is making us closer, because I get to support you, and be the one you come to for a hug. I love that! Yes, it affects me. But it's so important to me that you need me for support. I would have it no other way.

I'm pretty sure those reading and commenting are here to support you, also. That's what this is about, just as much as giving advice and feedback.

 

[rolypoly]

Lurking... and here for support too, if it's needed. >hugs<

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Here for all of you.

 

[Derbylicious]

I learnt something about myself. It's not the relationship between my husband and his girlfriend that's been bothering me. It's the feeling that there's an expectation that I'll like her. Right away, that's thrown up a wall for me. It's almost like I have to be difficult and look for problems on purpose. I feel a little like I'm backed into a corner, and as such, the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

Last night they went out together and I was more than happy to do my own thing. I don't mind my own company. But the evening before, when she was in my house, after having just got to the city, I was really uncomfortable.

Originally I was supposed to be picking her up at the airport and then taking her to her primary's house.

I don't know what's okay to do around her and what isn't. I know that she doesn't like TV. So here I am in my own house and feeling completely out of place and in the way. So the new boundary is that when I'm getting to know her, it has to be on neutral territory. If I'm out, and my husband and she want to hang out here, I'm fine with that. I'm just not big on not knowing what to do with myself in my own house.

I also need to find a way to stop comparing myself to her. It feels a little like when she talks about the way she approaches things, that she is telling me that her way is better. I do know on an intellectual level that it's not what she's saying. Now I just have to get my head to talk to my gut about it.

So, tomorrow night, we hang out again somewhere other than my home. I have an escape plan if I need one. I'm not going to waste my weekend somewhere that I'm not having fun. And I'm also not interested in ruining anyone else's weekend with my issues.

 

[Derbylicious]

So things have been all well and good for the past little while. I met my husband's girlfriend in person and she's very nice, although quite different from me. In some ways, she's more worldly than I am, and in others she seems terribly naive.

Anyway, at the moment, my husband is away sailing again, and his girlfriend is back on the other coast for now, figuring out what she wants to do with her life. She has another partner out here who I get along with well and consider a friend.

Anyway, on Facebook yesterday I saw that she posted that she had just been out on a date. I'm pretty sure my husband and she didn't talk about it first (being that I'm only getting about one email a week because he's really busy). I guess I'm feeling that she's not taking his feelings for her seriously or that what she's choosing to do might affect him. So I'm a bit annoyed and I'm not sure what to do. Do I ask him about what arrangement they have around dating others? Do I send her a message? I'm just not sure.

I'm rather protective of the people I love, and I tend to go off if I feel that they are being treated poorly. But then again, just because this isn't the type of arrangement that would work for me doesn't mean that it doesn't work for them.

 

[Mohegan]

I've learned to ask Karma for the specifics before I freak out. Most of the time he hasn't thought of it, or they've only barely discussed it. I told him for my own brain to work I need answers to those exact types of questions. So they sat down and talked. Some things they just didn't have answers for, but others they did, and it put all of us on the same page, which was helpful. It kept me from jumping to conclusions and it kept Karma and g/f from future issues.

I had a few times where I was tempted to email her, but I felt it was better to talk with Karma first.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Do I ask him about what arrangement they have around dating others?

That would be my recommendation. I hope it all pans out well and it really isn't a breakdown in communication or discussing expectations. I worry about his heart as well as yours, and Redpepper's and Polynerdist's and Rolypoly's.

"Every new dynamic and occurrence is a pebble in the water," as Redpepper says. And the ripples are felt by us all.

Hope you are feeling better.

 

[Derbylicious]

I've learned to ask Karma for the specifics before I freak out. Most of the time he hasn't thought of it, or they've only barely discussed it. I told him for my own brain to work, I need answers to those exact types of questions. So they sat down and talked. Somethings they just didn't have answers for, but others they did, and it put all of us on the same page, which was helpful. It kept me from jumping to conclusions and it kept Karma and g/f from future issues.

I had a few times where I was tempted to email her, but I felt it was better to talk with Karma first.

I think I might hold onto this until he gets home, then. At the moment, waiting for a response would probably make me more nuts. This really isn't a huge big deal, though. We've worked through worse before. It's just bugging me a bit.

 

[Derbylicious]

I was just writing on another thread, when I realized that something this journey has shown me is that my husband, without a doubt, wants to be with me. He's not in a place that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else better." One of my fears was that he was going to leave me because I had always thought that he was just settling (from things he'd said when we were first together).

If he'd wanted to leave, he would have left by now. I know that he loves me and values us. I don't know that I could have ever been 100% sure of that without him finding another love who he did connect to, and didn't just end up with due to circumstances, like he did with me.

In my head, I knew that things had shifted for him since the beginning of our relationship, where we were basically fuck buddies. But I don't think I ever really believed it with my heart until now. What a gift his new love has been to our relationship. I know he'll read this, and if he wants to, I'd like him to share it with his other love.

 

[redpepper]

Something this journey has shown me is that my husband, without a doubt, wants to be with me. He's not in a place anymore that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else better." One of my fears was that he was going to leave me because I had always thought that he was just settling (from things that he'd said when we were first together).

If he had wanted to leave, he would have left by now. I know that he loves me and values us. I don't know that I could have ever been 100% sure of that without him finding another love who he did connect to, and didn't just end up with due to circumstances, like he did with me.

In my head, I knew that things had shifted for him since the beginning of our relationship, where we were basically fuck buddies, but I don't think I ever really believed it with my heart until now. What a gift his new love has been to our relationship. I know he'll read this, and if he wants to, I'd like him to share it with his other love.

WOW, Derby. As I know something of what this means to you and your husband, I am so happy for you that you discovered this. It was obvious to me, and probably others, what you mean to your hubby, but there is no telling someone who doesn't get it themselves. It's just not the same until you feel it yourself.

*hugs*

 

[Ariakas]

Congrats, Derby. That's an awesome discovery.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Something this journey has shown me... my husband... wants to be with me. He's not in a place anymore that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else better". One of my fears was that he was going to leave me, because I had always felt that he was just settling (from things that he had said when we were first together).

Hey Derby, what a wonderful story. Thank you. This serves as a perfect illustration of something that's so very difficult to explain to folks who are either new to polyamory, or totally outside of it, and opposed to the concept.

Love is a funny thing. If we don't strangle it, it has a tendency to grow. Regardless of what circumstances bring two (or more) people together, if you face and live life together, and try to keep each other's best interests in focus, bonds grow. At some point, it's almost forgotten what it was all about in the beginning, because it really doesn't matter. Today is here, in front of us!

 

[Derbylicious]

In the next couple of weeks, my husband's girlfriend is coming back to this coast. So far, we've had one really nice day together, where we cooked and just hung out in the kitchen. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. I find that someone who attracts the quality of partners that she does must be a good person. (I'm friends with her other partner, as well). She's probably not someone who I would become friends with if it weren't for my husband, as we don't have a lot in common. And yet, it's still not uncomfortable to hang out with each other.

Once my husband is back from being away for work (whenever that might be, the date keeps getting changed), we get to work out the details of what our lives with our other relationships are going to look like on an ongoing basis. I don't know if I have any expectations in place yet. I just hope that I don't compare my relationship with RP to his relationship with his girlfriend. They are 2 different entities and aren't going to be equal. I love what I have, both with my husband, and with RP, and I don't need it to be anything other than what it is.

I do worry that I might end up being the one at home with the kids more often than not, partially because that's what I'm used to doing, and partially because my husband's girlfriend has more flexibility in her life, and can change plans on a moment's notice. I think one of the things that I'm going to insist on is that if I have plans first, then it's not my responsibility to find or be the babysitter if something comes up for him. I do resent always having to find the sitters, even when it's our date night together. When I'm being taken out, I want all the plans to be made for me, including organizing care for the children. I like to be told what I need to be wearing, and just go from there. Hmm... maybe we need to take turns planning date nights instead of always coming to a decision together.

Speaking of taking turns for date nights, I'm going to have to ask RP if it's okay with her if I plan date nights for us sometimes, too. I'm still learning what she likes and what she doesn't like. I'm not sure if she likes to be surprised with plans or not, or prefers to know what's happening and be in on the plans beforehand.

It seems like there's a lot going on in my head tonight; I didn't think there was. I was planning on this being a pretty short entry, and then it got long.

All in all, I'm in a really good place. I'm becoming much more quickly aware of things that bother me. I'm able to talk myself through it and nip it in the bud.

I was feeling lonely yesterday. There's been a lot of exciting news from people in my life in the last week, and my life is just plugging along the same way it has been for a long time. I think my loneliness is more wishing for something exciting to share than anything else. I just have to be patient. At some point, there will be something exciting that I have to share too. On the bright side, the realization of why I was feeling a little off helped me to feel a lot better.

 

[Derbylicious]

Last night, I went to a local kink event. I was nervous beforehand because I knew a lot of people who were going to be there. I was worried that I was going to learn something about someone that I wasn't going to be able to unknow. As it turned out, I was really comfortable there, mostly because I knew a lot of people. I got accused of being a wallflower, but that's where I was comfortable. Plus I had to watch the drinks. Nobody wants a roofie cocktail.

I talked to some friends, and met a couple of new people, and observed the goings-on in the play area. I noticed that some people were really into what they were doing, but others seemed to be there just to put on a show, and almost distracted from the person they were with.

When I went to sleep last night, I think my brain was processing the evening. I had a lot of very strange dreams. Nothing disturbing, just strange. I'm not sure what having goo poured over my head in a dream signifies. lol Like I said... strange. Good thing there was a sign to the poly shower room in my dream too, for after the goo incident. I didn't make it to the shower though, because I woke up.