New and finding it hard to process

[NewMan35]

Hi Everyone.

After many years of honest discussions, my wife of over 10 years and I decided to try polyamory. We are taking it really slow and just starting with online stuff, trying to work out the feelings. That is why I am writing this post.

Nothing I will say is new to the community, but it is new to me. I have read a lot about it and understand where my feelings are coming from, but I am finding it hard to process it all. In a way, hopefully writing this out will help.

Neither of us have gone on dates or done anything, other than speak to people online and what that normally means. We have both felt jealous and insecure, but by talking about it and being understanding we got over that fairly quickly.

I still feel possessive of my wife. I want all her time. I cannot get over the feeling that any time she spends with others is time she could have spent with me. I understand it makes no sense. She is not mine to possess, we don't spend every waking moment together, and we have made an effort to spend more time together, but every time she picks up the phone, every time it bings, it cuts me and I cannot seem to get over it.

I also explored talking to new people online and had some great conversations, but each time I was spending time with them, all I could think about was that I would rather be with my wife. She does not share this feeling. I wish that she did and it hurts me that she doesn't.

It's 3am and I couldn't process anymore, sitting in the dark, crying, knowing I love her more than anything, trusting she would never leave me and hating myself for not being okay with her talking to these people.

Logically, I know everything is fine. Better in a lot of ways. She is happier and we have both put more effort into spending time together. But I can't keep up with all the feelings.

I want to talk to her about how I feel, and have skirted it, but then she looks so afraid I will take this away from her. I love her more than anything and I want her to be happy. I would do anything for her and will not stop her fun, even if I decide to be mono.

I am not sure what advice people on here can offer I haven't read a hundred times on various websites. I know I need to be honest with her, tell her how I feel and reassure her I won't try to take poly off the table. I know she will try to reassure me, but I don't know if I can ever be happy with anything less than all of her, and I hate myself for it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I know I need to be honest with her, tell her how I feel and reassure her I won't try to take Poly off the table. I know she will try to reassure me but I don't know if I can ever be happy with anything less than all of her, and I hate myself for it.

Is it that you are scared to be honest that you want monogamy, and will find she still wants polyamory, and that means doing mono-poly (when you don't really want that) or a divorce (when you don't really want that either)?

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

"I still feel possessive over my wife. I want all her time. I cannot get over the feeling that anytime she spends with others is time she could have spent with me."

Do you feel this way when she's out with her friends or family? Doing hobbies or ladies only events at church or whatnot? Or is it directly related to her spending time with a (potential) date?

If it's with friends/family/hobbies as well, this sounds like more than just an issue with non-monogamy and I'd suggest a deep dive into the origins of the sense of abandonment you are experiencing when you're not spending time with her. Of course, you could mask these with expanding your own interests other than possible dates, but unless you address the root of the rather extreme attachment, non monogamy is never going to become a new normal for you.

Have you come across the article, here:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Also, you don't have to date, too. It's entirely possible that you could have other ways to enjoy your separate time that are fulfilling to you.

But honestly, it sounds like you might need to heal some past abandonment trauma before moving forward with polyamory or else you're just going to make it worse and potentially induce a personality disorder/mental breakdown.

(To regular members, if you're wondering about my lack of formatting, it's stopped working from my phone.)

 

[Bobbi]

You have read a lot, already know the things others will probably say, so I won't repeat those. They will share those thoughts.

What you are going through is hard. You want to make your wife happy, but you are having a horrible time with your feelings. You have done a ton of rational thinking, but it's not helping. It's not helping because you are having thoughts so fast you cannot track them all, let alone police them.

"If she loved me she wouldn't need anyone else; If she loved me she would want to spend all of her time with me," etc.

Trying to rationalize your feelings away with things you hope but don't know (we cannot predict the future), your brain treats it as a lie. "My wife would never leave me; I'm safe and secure in my marriage," is all wonderful and true, but because you cannot see the future, your brain sees it as a lie. Try simpler statements that are fact.

Our relationship is healthy and happy (only if that's true-- your brain will kick it out if it's a lie).

Relationships end because WE stop working it, not because others are in the mix.

She is dating. (Don't add details to this thought. The simplicity of that thought is easier to accept.)

1. Your feelings are an extension of your thoughts, and the more extreme your thoughts, the more extreme your feelings. Try to bring those extreme thoughts down to basics that are true and easy to digest.

2. Work on getting your body settled. Once your body goes into fight or flight, it sees a threat, and the negative thoughts ramp up because you aren't responding. Your body NEEDS you to respond. Go outside and sprint around the block. No need to run far, but sprint as fast as you can... flee... to shut off that fight or flight. That will help you get past the worst of the thinking. Do it as often as you need. It will take your body time, with repeated exposure, to learn there isn't a threat.

Add to this a reconnecting time with you wife after every conversation about someone else, date, overnight, etc., to reinforce that the time with someone else isn't changing her feelings for you.

Over time, things will get easier and some things will be nothing to you. You'll still get triggered occasionally and not know why, but just go with it and treat it the same until that new thing becomes nothing. It is work, but it's so worth it to not feel those horrible feelings when they really are just not wanted.

You cannot will them away. You have to feel them, accept them, flee and change your thoughts.

 

[NewMan35]

"I still feel possessive over my wife. I want all her time. I cannot get over the feeling that anytime she spends with others is time she could have spent with me."

Do you feel this way when she's out with her friends or family? Doing hobbies or ladies only events at church or whatnot? Or is it directly related to her spending time with a (potential) date?

If it's with friends/family/hobbies as well, this sounds like more than just an issue with non-monogamy and I'd suggest a deep dive into the origins of the sense of abandonment you are experiencing when you're not spending time with her. Of course, you could mask these with expanding your own interests other than possible dates, but unless you address the root of the rather extreme attachment, non monogamy is never going to become a new normal for you.

Have you come across the article, here:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Also, you don't have to date, too. It's entirely possible that you could have other ways to enjoy your separate time that are fulfilling to you.

But honestly, it sounds like you might need to heal some past abandonment trauma before moving forward with polyamory or else you're just going to make it worse and potentially induce a personality disorder/mental breakdown.

(To regular members, if you're wondering about my lack of formatting, it's stopped working from my phone.)

That was a new article to me, and a good one.

I never thought about the fact we have been each other's everything for over a decade. It was rare we went out without each other. We are each other's best friends, and that was supposed to be the point. But they are right. It doesn't make sense or sound healthy.

I will explore that more and share the article with my wife. Thank you.

 

[NewMan35]

Is it that you are scared to be honest that you want monogamy, and will find she still wants polyamory, and that means doing mono-poly (when you don't really want that), or a divorce (when you don't really want that either?

I don't actually know I want monogamy. I always thought we would explore this together. We do everything together. Now she wants to do this on her own.

Reading another response, that dependency on each other will be a big issue as we go down this path.

We love each other, have a full sex life and enjoy spending time together. We have a home and family together. We wouldn't get divorced even if we fell in love with someone else.

I think I am afraid she will stop if I decide I don't want to be poly and resent me for it. I am afraid that I will accept that because it will make things easier, but at the cost of her being happy.

 

[NewMan35]

You have read a lot, already know the things others will probably say so I won't repeat those. They will share those thoughts.

What you are going through is hard. You want to make your wife happy but you are having a horrible time with your feelings. You have done a ton of rational thinking but it's not helping....it's not helping because you are having thoughts so fast you cannot track them all let alone police them.

If she loved me she wouldn't need anyone else; If she loved me she would want to spend all of her time with me, etc.

Trying to rationalize your feelings away with things you hope but don't know (we cannot predict the future), your brain treats it as a lie. "My wife would never leave me, I'm safe and secure in my marriage" is all wonderful and true but because you cannot see the future, your brain sees it as a lie. Try simpler statements that are fact.

Our relationship is healthy and happy (only if that's true, your brain will kick it out if it's a lie)

Relationships end because WE stop working it, not because others are in the mix.

She is dating. (Don't add details to this thought. The simplicity of that thought is easier to accept)

1. Your feelings are an extension of your thoughts and the more extreme your thoughts, the more extreme your feelings. Try to bring those extreme thoughts down to basics that are true and easy to digest.

2. Work on getting your body settled. Once your body goes into fight or flight, It sees a threat, and the negative thoughts ramp up because you aren't responding. Your body NEEDS you to respond. Go outside and sprint around the block. No need to run far but sprint as fast as you can....flee...to shut off that fight or flight. That will help you get past the worst of the thinking. Do it as often as you need. It will take your body time, with repeated exposure, to learn there isn't a threat.

Add to this a reconnecting time with you wife after every conversation about someone else, date, overnight, etc. to reinforce that the time with someone else isn't changing her feelings for you.

Over time things will get easier and some things will be nothing to you. You'll still get triggered occasionally and not know why but just go with it and treat it the same until that new thing becomes nothing. It is work but it's so worth it to not feel those horrible feelings when they really are just not wanted.

You cannot will them away, you have to feel them, accept them, flee and change your thoughts.

Thank you for your response.

I am really good at working through my feelings and getting to their roots.... normally. I'm not really a runner, and fighting sounds worse.

My wife is having a really good time, and even if I don't want to end this poly journey, I think we need more time to work through things, and she will resent me for spoiling her fun.

I am not sure if it is better to slow down so I can keep up emotionally, or accept that I will lose sleep and cry. (Not like me. I cried at my father's funeral and can't remember the time before that.) Eventually I will catch up with everything.

 

[GalaGirl]

I always thought we would explore this together. We do everything together. Now she wants to do this on her own.

What does that mean to you? Dating the same person? Or each of you has the same opportunity to date outside the marriage -- but you date separate people? Or something else?

I think I am afraid she will stop if I decide I don't want to be poly, and resent me for it.

Let me repeat that back. If you decide you don't want to practice poly on your side, you are afraid she will quit on her side, rather than continue with it, and that she will resent you for her own choice?

I am afraid that I will accept that because it will make things easier, but at the cost of her being happy.

Even though it is her own choice to quit, if she blames you for her own choice and gets resentful, you will accept the blame, because it's easier on you than... what? Thinking about her being happy on her own without you?

What "things" will be easier?

My wife is having a really good time, and even if I don't want to end this poly journey, I think we need more time to work through things and she will resent me for spoiling her fun.

So you don't even want to ask her to slow it down -- even though nothing is happening yet, besides both of you doing some online chatting?

I'm not trying to be unkind; I'm trying to understand where you are coming from.

To me you sound really entangled or enmeshed with your wife.

Maybe you both want to take a look at PolySecure and PolyWise by Jessica Fern?

I am not sure if it is better to slow down so I can keep up emotionally, or accept that I will loose sleep and cry (not like me, I cried at my fathers funeral and can't remember the time before that). Eventually I will catch up with everything.

I think you and wife could read poly hell and pitfalls together, and think about working with a poly counselor. You both sound underprepared, like you started poly dating, or at least online flirting, before really deconstructing your monogamous marriage to rebuild in a new model.

 

[Magdlyn]

You know it's okay to cry, right? I know, I know: "Big boys don't cry" is what some men are told when they are kids, and it feels like weakness to cry. But think about it. You've been attached at the hip with your wife for 10 years. Now you're taking a step into detangling, by her going on to try poly-dating independently. You're grieving the old relationship. So it's okay to cry and be sad. This is new and uncharted territory.

A new relationship is being forged, based on equality, trust, independence, healthier interdepedence.

But monogamy is part of the patriarchal system. As that system slowly starts to crumble, men and women are changing. They are becoming more equal. It's always been okay for men to have multiple female partners. It's been officially illegal for men to have multiple wives in the West for some time, but it's been acceptable for men to stray, to have mistresses, and for their wives to be patient about the straying, even to blame themselves for their husband's cheating because they were not pretty enough, or too fat, or not accommodating enough, etc. Women's own mothers would tell them to be extra nice to their husbands when they were cheating, and that would make the husbands come back!

Now women have more rights, and more freedom to prevent pregnancy, to delay pregnancy, to choose to not breed at all, to focus on careers and to be self-supporting. They don't need to stay in abusive marriages, and they don't have to be monogamous, unless they want to, because they are no longer owned by their husbands. This transition is awkward, and can be painful, but in the end, it's about love.

I suggest looking at the resources thread that is a sticky at the top of this forum. A good book to start with is Opening Up. It's based on interviews with a hundred or so people who have practiced open relationships. It covers all the basics and is very helpful.

 

[LoveBunny]

All due respect @Magdyn, I consider myself a feminist and I'm having issue with this sentence: "Monogamy is a part of the patriarchal system..."

Marriage as bondage, yes. Man as head-of-household, women as property, sure. But humans (and many other primates) pair-bond, often long-term. Otherwise, how would you account for those who seem to be, by orientation, monogamous? I agree that it's great that nomo is now no longer the dominion of males, women can choose multiple partners if that's what resonates for them.

I know some history of matriarchal, pre-xtian societies, extensively studied Minoan Greece (pre-1625 BCE) specifically. But people pair-bonded back then too, though perhaps they ran out into the fields to have orgies during festivals. I'd argue the relationship structures in that particular matriarchal society was closer to what we call monogam-ish than poly.

Anyway, I bring this up only because I want to be careful of not suggesting to a man who is grieving the loss of his mono relationship that poly is more evolved way of relating, or a more natural way, or a more feminist way that is better for society. Nah.

@NewMan35, You're not being "possessive" for not wanting to share your partner. For some people, our sex/love is a closed feedback loop. We feel like it gets diluted in poly. Maybe you don't *want* to detangle to the point that you're okay with your partner having others. Maybe that will feel like less of a relationship than you truly desire. If you're poly, you can then go fill that empty space with other partners, but if you're monogamous by orientation, that won't work for you.

ADDED LATER BY ME IN AN EDIT:

I'm sure it's not true that you "always" want to be with your wife. Surely, there's times you want to do other things alone or with other people. But I get what you're saying-- you'd usually rather be with her than anyone else. This might be an incompatibility in the amount of autonomy vs togetherness you want in your marriage. I've struggled with this a lot in my personal relationships. It seemed like I always wanted too much. Finally, I found a guy who was a Stage-5 clinger like me and couldn't be happier. Most things are just better and more fun when he's around, and I find I'm just fine when he's not, because I know he'll be back soon.

Maybe you're learning that you aren't ok in a poly situation. You're going to have to speak up for yourself, though. If she's thriving and you're not, it's not going to work for either of you.

 

[Inaniel]

I’m troubled by some of the rhetoric in this thread too.

I think I am afraid she will stop if I decide I don't want to be poly and resent me for it. I am afraid that I will accept that because it will make things easier, but at the cost of her being happy.

Saying yes out of fear is not consent. If your spouse resents you because you are unable to revoke the contract of monogamy, that is their choice to make, and should not factor into your consent.

That’s the biggest issue I see here, a consent issue. It’s fairly common in previously monogamous couples who try polyamory, and one person is dragging the other into the trenches. This talk about doing anything to make a spouse happy, fear of resentment etc.-- these are all red flags showing that consent is not actually occurring.

Maybe you should ask yourself: If you were to lose your spouse and begin dating again, would you seek poly connections or a mono connection?

I never thought about the fact we have been each other's everything for over a decade. It was rare we went out without each other. We are each other's best friends, and that was supposed to be the point. But they are right. It doesn't make sense or sound healthy.

That doesn’t mean polyamory is a healthier way of relating. Almost all variety in life that can be explored in poly can also be explored in monogamy.

An idea came along back when the poly community was trying to justify its existence, that poly was actually a healthier way of relating than monogamy. Many poly resources infer this, but obviously that’s nonsense. At best, it’s an exaggeration targeting denial or the voices of critics; and at worse it's a sales pitch to suck in reluctant partners like you.

Please don’t fool yourself into thinking a healthier relationship is guaranteed after you endure a short period of tears, sleepless nights and fear-based consent. These are not the symptoms of healthy relating for any type of relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

I started another thread in regards to Lovebunny's post so we don't derail.

https://polyamory.com/threads/polyamory-is-is-not-a-feminist-movement.156430/

 

[kdt26417]

Hello NewMan35,

At this moment at least, it looks like you prefer monogamy while your wife prefers polyamory. Neither preference is wrong, it just means that there is something about the two of you that is incompatible. I guess the next question is, how extreme are these two preferences? Can you stand for her to be polyamorous? Can she stand to be monogamous for you? You said you don't know if you can ever be happy with anything less than all of her. Don't you think it would be a mistake to go through life unhappy? Could she ever be happy with anything less than full polyamory? These are things you need to consider, I know you have been married for over ten years, but if the two of you are making each other unhappy, you might want to consider an amicable divorce.

Slowing down might be another thing to consider.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.

 

[NewMan35]

Hello NewMan35,

At this moment at least, it looks like you prefer monogamy while your wife prefers polyamory. Neither preference is wrong, it just means that there is something about the two of you that is incompatible. I guess the next question is, how extreme are these two preferences? Can you stand for her to be polyamorous? Can she stand to be monogamous for you? You said you don't know if you can ever be happy with anything less than all of her. Don't you think it would be a mistake to go through life unhappy? Could she ever be happy with anything less than full polyamory? These are things you need to consider, I know you have been married for over ten years, but if the two of you are making each other unhappy, you might want to consider an amicable divorce.

Slowing down might be another thing to consider.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.

I get what you are saying.

It is less that we are unhappy in our marriage, and more that there are things I cannot or will not give my wife. I am actually perfectly okay with her finding those things outside our marriage. She may only be looking for friendship, and the only way she knows how is to put sex on the table, as well. She is exploring that possibility herself. It can be lonely being an introverted housewife and stay-at-home mum. She finds it difficult to make friends.

It is a good conversation topic we haven't explored. Could she be happy mono? I will have to figure out for myself if I could be happy with her being poly, but so far I am okay with it. She has said if I am not, she would stop. But that still feels like she is stopping something she wants to make me happy, and I don't know how I feel about that. We are taking it slow to ensure we can process our feelings before any major changes. We both understand that any step we take cannot be taken back.

 

[NewMan35]

Thank you, everyone who replied. What a great community.

I did my own soul-searching. I am not good with emotions. And maybe it is because I am a man, but I rarely need to cry, because I don't see its value as a go-to tool for emotional expression. I prefer to think and talk it out. But sometimes that process is not quick enough and a good cry helps release the pressure.

We had a good long talk. She offered to stop, as I knew she would, but I can't have her stop just because I don't know how I feel yet.

I pulled back a lot more. This should be about her finding herself without me. If it ends in divorce, then it would have anyway, and been a lot messier. She has always defined herself by others, and it would be good for her to figure out who she is without me... without me standing over her shoulder.

At the end of the day, mono, poly or whatever, a relationship is not about two people becoming one. It should be about two whole people choosing to be together. If the only reason someone stays is marriage, then it isn't a good marriage. Maybe she will choose to leave, but that would have always happened.

We will keep talking and taking it slow, exploring each step as it is taken. But that is all we do together. She is doing her own thing and I am still deciding if I can even be bothered with the effort and drama of another partner.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi Everyone.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

After many years of honest discussions, my wife of over 10 years and I decided to try polyamory. We are taking it really slow and just starting with online stuff, trying to work out the feelings. That is why I am writing this post.

How many years have you been together? Is there any other marriage history for either of you? Do you have kids?

What was the driving factor, in the years of discussions, to try polyamory?

Nothing I will say is new to the community, but it is new to me. I have read a lot about it and understand where my feelings are coming from, but I am finding it hard to process it all. In a way, hopefully writing this out will help.

It sounds like you’ve done a fair amount of reading/research. Has your wife done the same?

Neither of us have gone on dates, or done anything, other than speak to people online and what that normally means. We have both felt jealous and insecure, but by talking about it and being understanding we got over that fairly quickly.

To me, this might be an encouraging sign. But actual dates… with sex and “I love yous” being exchanged, all bets are off on how quickly you’ll get over it.

I still feel possessive of my wife. I want all her time. I cannot get over the feeling that any time she spends with others is time she could have spent with me. I understand it makes no sense. She is not mine to possess, we don't spend every waking moment together, and we have made an effort to spend more time together, but every time she picks up the phone, every time it bings, it cuts me and I cannot seem to get over it.

Well, time, energy, attention, and money are finite resources and zero sum, so there is truth to what you say. And many people don’t like sharing their most precious or treasured things with others on a revolving basis.

In college I lived in a house with 5 other guys. That's still okay for hunting trips or race weekends, but I can’t see ever going back. I think it’s okay to want what you want.

I think the two of you should preemptively read up on “poly hell“ to try to avoid some of this.

It's 3 am and I couldn't process anymore, sitting in the dark, crying, knowing I love her more than anything, trusting she would never leave me and hating myself for not being okay with her talking to these people.

Logically, I know everything is fine. Better in a lot of ways. She is happier, and we have both put more effort into spending time together. But I can't keep up with all the feelings.

How much sleep are you losing? How deep into the night is she carrying on conversations with those people? Being sleep deprived is going to make the emotional load heavier. Her being happier and you being tired and miserable isn’t going to make "date night/together time” more pleasant.

I want to talk to her about how I feel, and have skirted it, but then she looks so afraid I will take this away from her. I love her more than anything and I want her to be happy. I would do anything for her and will not stop her fun, even if I decide to be mono.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm either.

I am not sure what advice people on here can offer I haven't read a hundred times on various websites. I know I need to be honest with her, tell her how I feel and reassure her I won't try to take poly off the table. I know she will try to reassure me, but I don't know if I can ever be happy with anything less than all of her, and I hate myself for it.

Why do her feelings and her fun being poly mean more than your happiness? I hate to say this, but you reassuring her you won’t try to take poly off the table in the future, and her reassuring you she won’t leave you in the future could mean nothing in a week, or a month, or 3 months. I'm sure it’s sincere at the time, but things move very fast in these waters. Depression and quality of life matters. Job performance and careers can take a hit from these mismatches. We’ve that seen happen here.

Crying in the shower to cover your tears might be a good cover, but one day or night you’re going to ask yourself-- is this as good as it gets? Is this what I’m worth?