New and looking for help

[MByrde]

Hi everyone. I’m a 52 year old male. Married 20 years, but in past 18 months have been flirting with some acquaintances via text. One of these acquaintances (she is also married) and I have feelings for each other. She and her husband have invited me to play with them on occasion and so far we’ve just made out a few times.

6 months ago my wife found out about this situation and was upset. We’ve been trying counselling, but to little improvement. While I love my wife and love being married to her, and really enjoy sex with her, I feel like I need to have some level of ethical non-monogamy. My wife doesn’t want to have anything to do with any situation where she is not my full focus.

I am still incredibly attracted to my acquaintance and having a 3 way with her husband. Am I selfish for even thinking about losing my marriage to explore my acquaintance? The more I see and read, the more I think some form of polyamory is for me. Happy to hear any comments. Thanks.

 

[Evie]

It sounds like you really do want to explore ENM rather than stay in your monogamous marriage. I suggest you do your wife the favour of actually ending the marriage before pursuing either this couple, or any others, for make out sessions or more. You'll just end up hurting her for the rest of your lives if you keep cheating. And you'll hurt yourself for the rest of your life if you try and stay within the confines of your original wedding vows.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi everyone. I’m a 52 year old male. Married 20 years, but in past 18 months have been flirting with some acquaintances via text. One of these acquaintances (she is also married) and I have feelings for each other. She and her husband have invited me to play with them on occasion. So far, we’ve just made out a few times.

So after 20 years of marriage, all of a sudden you've started flirting with several people online, and even had some make-out sessions with a guy and a woman who are a couple.

What changed? Have you always had desires for others? What made you decide to you just jump in and start doing it behind your wife's back?

Are you interested in exploring your gay side? Is this something you've been suppressing all along?

6 months ago my wife found out about this situation and was upset.

So you didn't confess. She just found out...

We’ve been trying counselling, but to little improvement.

It can take years to repair broken trust such as this. Saying sorry isn't enough. But it's worse because you want to continue. I assume you made vows to be faithfully monogamous and now you want to renegotiate. Wife wants to remain mono.

While I love my wife and love being married to her, and really enjoy sex with her, I feel like I need to have some level of ethical non-monogamy. My wife doesn’t want to have anything to do with any situation where she is not my full focus.

You two want different things.

I am still incredibly attracted to my acquaintance and having a threeway with her husband. Am I selfish for even thinking about losing my marriage to explore my acquaintance? The more I see and read, the more I think some form of polyamory is for me.

It sounds like you don't want polyamory at this point, just a couple of FWBs.

You were selfish in that you didn't tell your wife right away after you started flirting. You're not selfish to have desires. Lots of people get a thrill from being attracted to others. The key is to do it ethically. But it might be too late. You might need to break up. It's not kind to pressure your wife to open the marriage if she prefers monogamy.

Happy to hear any comments

Thanks.

You have your work cut out for you, and some very hard decisions to make. Your whole life is going to change. You've already destroyed the trust in your marriage. What do you want to have happen next?

If you want more resources to guide you, please see this list (articles, books and a podcast about ENM/poly/swinging):

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings MByrde,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your wife have grown apart. I know twenty years is a lot to just throw away, but what can you do? You absolutely want/need ENM, while she absolutely forbids it. I don't think either of you is in the wrong, you have just grown apart. Maybe the thing to do is to try to divorce amicably and remain friends. It's the best solution I can think of.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[jantjen91]

6 months ago my wife found out about this situation and was upset.

Did you not speak with your wife about your feelings regarding non-monogamy? Of course she was upset. Her partner of 20 years flipped her world upside down. Couples counseling is a good idea but don't be surprised if your marriage fails.

 

[MByrde]

Hi everyone. I’m a 52 year old male. Married 20 years but in past 18 months have been flirting with some acquaintances via text. One of these acquaintance (she is also married) and I have feelings for each other. She and her husband have invited me to play with them on occasion and so far we’ve just made out a few times.

6 months ago my wife found out about this situation and was upset. We’ve been trying counselling but to little improvement. While I love my wife and love being married to her , and really enjoy sex with her, I feel like I need to have some level of ethical non-monogamy. My wife doesn’t want to have anything to do with any situation where she is not my full focus.

I am still incredibly attracted to my acquaintance and having a 3 way with her husband. Am I selfish for even thinking about losing my marriage to explore my acquaintance? The more I see and read, the more I think some form of polyamory is for me.

Happy to hear any comments

Thanks

It sounds like you really do want to explore ENM rather than stay in your monogamous marriage. I suggest you do your wife the favour of actually ending the marriage before pursuing either this couple, or any others, for make out sessions or more. You'll just end up hurting her for the rest of your lives if you keep cheating. And you'll hurt yourself for the rest of your life if you try and stay within the confines of your original wedding vows.

Thanks for tour insights Evie - much appreciated.

 

[MByrde]

Greetings MByrde,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your wife have grown apart. I know twenty years is a lot to just throw away, but what can you do? You absolutely want/need ENM, while she absolutely forbids it. I don't think either of you is in the wrong, you have just grown apart. Maybe the thing to do is to try to divorce amicably and remain friends. It's the best solution I can think of.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thanks Kevin - appreciate your jnsights and comment. Great discussion boards here.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, glad to help.

 

[Juan234]

I do not disagree with the hard and true advice here. Once your wife feels “burned” she may well instinctively feel that way no matter what. For example, offering her a hall pass or a chance to meet or play with this couple, to her, may only sound as: “I do not love you”. Nevertheless, you say little on exactly what your opening attempts have been, e.g., did you offer your wife literature on Polyamory? And can you articulate why she is not open to seeing others, is it she is strictly monogamous, or does she have confidence issues, or dare I say she is a cheater too and prefers it that way? It seems this may be a big part of who you are, and hence why some prior advice on this thread may be giving you the hard but clean solution, as in, there are things you can control, and there are things you cannot, and it is important to be able to tell the difference between the two. My biggest question on whether you are poly is: how would you feel if your wife hooked up long term with a couple of men? There may not necessarily be a clear answer. Perhaps you would be OK with that, or only if you two played as a couple, etc.? If you are OK with her having a couple of secondaries, then you may be poly, but if you instead want to play as a couple, then you lean more towards being a swinger, etc.