New Polycule

sunflower231

New member
I’m 32/F dating 34/M. He’s married poly and I’m solo poly. Some of the things he’s saying don’t sit right with me. Im the kind of person who doesn’t speak up right away because I don’t realize things bother me until later. I’m very nervous about communicating my feelings with him.
Basically when I stay at his house, he’s said his wife doesn’t want us to have sex in their bed. At the time I said ok, but the more I’ve thought about it I’m not ok with it. I’m not ok with my behavior being dictated in any circumstance, but it especially rubs me the wrong way if it’s to accommodate another partner’s insecurities. I want to bring it up, but I don’t know how to do that without an ultimatum. I was thinking of telling him that it bothers me but how do I enforce that? Do I just say I won’t stay the night anymore? Or say if that’s the case then we need to sleep in the guest room? I don’t like that his partner’s insecurities are limiting our relationship, even if it’s in a small way; but I don’t know how to communicate that. Or am I being unreasonable and it’s understandable for either him or her to want to keep their bed to themselves? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated
 
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MeeraReed

Active member
I'm also solo poly. And honestly I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable having sex in a married couple's bed! Just sort of like...it's not sexy to me.

I wouldn't personally want my partner having sex with someone else in my bed. We live separately and he doesn't live with his other partners, so this scenario wouldn't likely ever come up. But let's say, I don't know, if he were house-sitting for me while I'm away. I wouldn't mind if he had another partner sleep over with him in my house--but yes, I would prefer they sleep in the guest room instead of my room.

Now, the key to this is that I've arranged my life so that I can logistically be poly AND not have other people having sex/sleeping in my bed. Like, if I lived with my partner, we'd have separate bedrooms where we could sleep with our other partners. And I do live in a house with a guest room.

So, if your partner wants to have a girlfriend but he'd not allowed to have sex with her in the marital bed--then yes, he needs to set up a separate bedroom or guestroom to accommodate him being poly.

If you don't like the idea of sleeping over in his bed but not being allowed to have sex there, I don't blame you. Poly relationships don't work well when there are rules that make normal dating activities weird. "You can sleep in a bed together but not have sex in that bed" = weird for dating.

Tell your partner that you're not comfortable with sleeping over at his house but not being to have sex there. But maybe acknowledge that you understand if it feels icky for his wife if you two have sex in their bed. Ask him what solutions there could be--him sleeping over at your house and you not sleeping over at his? Him sleeping with you in his guest room? Etc.
 

sunflower231

New member
@MeeraReed your reply helped so much. Thank you for taking the time! It’s not so much that I “want to” but rather that it felt icky to be told what I can and can’t do, you know? That’s what I was struggling with myself - that I can completely understand where she’s coming from, but struggling with the aspect that I also don’t don’t allow my actions to be dictated. I think the compromise of sleeping in the guest room honestly should work well enough. You really helped me out!!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Why's this even an issue? If you stay at his house, you are the guest. Weren't you using the guest room all along? Where have you been staying the night?

I’m very nervous about communicating my feelings with him.

Why? Do you not feel safe around him?

I don’t like that his partner’s insecurities are limiting our relationship, even if it’s in a small way;

That’s what I was struggling with myself - that I can completely understand where she’s coming from, but struggling with the aspect that I also don’t don’t allow my actions to be dictated

One minute you call her insecure. The next minute you say you completely understand where she's coming from.

What is the chip on the shoulder about? You say you don't like being told what to do, but I'm not seeing that happening.

HE made some promises he now has to meet with his other partner because he doesn't have his own bedroom/bed in this house. He has (a shared bedroom with the wife) and then (a guest room.)

YOUR actions aren't being dictated. These are not YOUR promises. YOU don't have to do jack if you don't feel like it.
  • If you feel like helping him keep his promises? You choose to stick to the guest bedroom or going to your place if you want to share sex.
  • If don't feel like dealing in any of this? You quit dating him, and seek single solo poly people to date with their own places. Or married poly who have their own bedrooms.
You are still free to do what you want.

If you haven't already asked? Could ask him now -- "Do you have any other promises to your other partner(s) that you have to keep that might affect me that I don't know about?"

Some you might find ok and reasonable. And some you might not be ok with.

It's all part of figuring out dating compatibility.

Some poly people in small spaces don't even have a guest room. Or the budget for hotels all the time. So they have to figure something else out. Like having separate sheets for the one bed because people don't want to sleep in other people's sex funk. Just like they don't want to share their toothbrush, their special coffee mug, or their underwear with guests.

I don't think that's being insecure. That's just wanting some things for your own self. The guests can be in other parts of the house and use the things there.

I might guess wrong but I'm gonna guess... Why so bristly? Have your other poly relationships sucked? Was there a "queen bee" spouse trying to dictate everything? A wimpy hinge that was just a doormat? So that's why you are "on guard" so much now with these new people?

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
If you're solo poly and he's married poly, you could always host him in your home/bed, and this would never be an issue. Is his wife into KTP (kitchen table poly) but just draws the line at YOU getting banged by her husband in HER bed? That doesn't sound like a problem at all, especially if they have a guest room. If they don't have a guest room, or like a family room couch that pulls out, it's more of a problem for sleepovers.

Did bf want all 3 of you to share a bed when you visit for overnights? Where is the problem? I personally, would not really want to share sleep with my metamour. If the 3 of you are not a sexual triad, and don't share threeway sex, there's no reason to share a bed for sleep either.

When I have other partners visit overnight, sometimes I spend the night in the guest room with them. It depends on the partner though. A couple of my exes preferred to sleep alone. So what I usually did was "put them to bed," maybe have sex, or just cuddle for a while and say goodnight, and then leave, wash up, and go sleep with my nesting partner. In the morning, if the OSO de jour was still asleep, I might go join them again for morning sex or cuddles, as desired.

Whatever happened was not dictated by this, that or the other person. We just made compromises so everyone was as comfortable with the arrangement as possible.
 

PinkPig

Active member
Honestly, I feel the same way as your partner's wife. I don't want people I'm not involved with having sex in my bed. I don't currently live with either of my partners, but my solution would be to have my own room. Barring that, a guest room works. If meta didn't allow sex in the house, that would be controlling.

If you flip it around, would you want meta and partner to have sex in your bed?
 
I’m 32/F dating 34/M. He’s married poly and I’m solo poly. Some of the things he’s saying don’t sit right with me. Im the kind of person who doesn’t speak up right away because I don’t realize things bother me until later. I’m very nervous about communicating my feelings with him.
Basically when I stay at his house, he’s said his wife doesn’t want us to have sex in their bed. At the time I said ok, but the more I’ve thought about it I’m not ok with it. I’m not ok with my behavior being dictated in any circumstance, but it especially rubs me the wrong way if it’s to accommodate another partner’s insecurities. I want to bring it up, but I don’t know how to do that without an ultimatum. I was thinking of telling him that it bothers me but how do I enforce that? Do I just say I won’t stay the night anymore? Or say if that’s the case then we need to sleep in the guest room? I don’t like that his partner’s insecurities are limiting our relationship, even if it’s in a small way; but I don’t know how to communicate that. Or am I being unreasonable and it’s understandable for either him or her to want to keep their bed to themselves? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated
This is something you may want to sort out in your own head. You are being unreasonable and you may think twice about sharing this with your partner. Your meta has every right to not want other people to have sex in her bed!
 

Dagferi

Active member
You are being unreasonable.

I feel the same way your meta does.

My husbands do also. Hell they do not like the other in their respective houses for more than a quick visit. Their houses are their castle. So I split my time between the two of them.
 

icesong

Moderator
So just out of curiosity, where is your meta when you and your partner are at their place? I mean, ArtistSpouse (formerly known as ArtistWife here) has a boundary that they really don’t particularly want to hear sex they aren’t having, and would prefer that it wasn’t had in their bed. So we stay at my place unless ArtistWife is gone for the night, and we sleep in the other bedroom when I am over there. It’s a little different in that they don’t share a bed all the time, so the “guest room” really is more “the other bedroom” than it is guest space, so I suppose that feels different. Then again, I have my own room in the house I share with Knight, and truthfully Artist sleeps there more than Knight does just because I only have a queen size bed and Knight prefers his king size one if a partner is gonna sleep there.

All that said... I’m not even solo and I totally hear why you’re a little squicked by this boundary - it is definitely a thing that can feel weird. But if it’s the _only_ external boundary you’re seeing, and it’s not a huge logistical problem (ie if there IS another bed and you’re not stuck having sex on the couch like teenagers or something) I wouldn’t worry _too_ much.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello sunflower231,

I agree with the vote to sleep (and have sex) in the guest room when you stay over at his house. Hopefully his wife would be okay with that. I understand you don't want to be pushed around and told what to do by her, but I don't think things have risen to that level, at least not yet. Suggest the guest room idea to him, and see what he says.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Moderator
Wow, you definitely pushed a button among the regular contributors here, including me.
I totally agree I don't want rules made about my sex life by other people. I just don't see this is as a problematic rule. Your hinge partner maybe didn't firm up agreements enough with your metamour before your relationship began, but if she now says, "not in my bed" then that's not unreasonable, especially when there's another bed in the house.
When Adam and I opened our relationship back up, I said, "not in our bed" but then we moved to somewhere without a spare bedroom. It's remarkable how quickly people can adapt when necessary. So your hinge partner is letting you know there needs to be an adaption in the other direction. The guest room is now the space you will sleep and have sex in. Sweeeeet. I hope you can keep a drawer or three in there, too 😉
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
I just wanted to add to my previous post that my nesting partner has absolutely no problem with me having sex with others in our shared "master" bed or bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or the living room couch. Or the shower... She doesn't mind hearing me have sex with others, either. In fact, I'd say she kinda likes it. I know many people don't have "compersion" for their partners, but she and I just aren't competitive. We are happy when the other is having fun.

I guess ideally she'd prefer if I changed the sheets after I had sex with someone else... but there isn't always time. I do put down a mattress protector cloth thing on the sheet, mostly because I'm a squirter lol. So, I guess that helps. The "sex funk" is more likely to be coming from me than from one of my partners. I guess if it was summer, and really hot, and I noticed my partner had gotten very sweaty, I'd make more of an effort to change the sheets..

But maybe these feelings and arrangements that we have are out of the norm. I think it might be because we did do some partner-sharing earlier in our relationship. So, if at one point, she had some sex with a couple of my bfs, how could she be "grossed out" by the guy having been in "her" bed now?
 

PinkPig

Active member
I think my aversion comes from past experience with my partner, Blue. His hinge skills have improved but he definitely still has work to do! About half of his partners during our time together, have been more monogamish and tend to make restrictive rules that affect our relationship (such as no calling other partners while with them even if they are say, on vacation for 2 weeks together). The rules are usually one sided. As a result, I find myself feeling more territorial and less compersive with Blue. I don't think this is a universal thing though. I've known people new to poly who don't care what happens in their bed, and people who've been poly for years who still have a sacred bed policy.

In my new relationship, I don't feel territorial and I do feel compersion when she's with her bf. But it's a new relationship.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Wow, I don't agree with those who are saying you're being unreasonable! (Most of them are not solo poly, and from what I've seen, not always sympathetic to a solo perspective).

You should not feel that you can't bring this up with your partner. It's reasonable to feel weird about him wanting you to sleep with him in his bed but not being allowed to have sex with you there. (If I am reading the situation correctly).

It's not unreasonable that his wife doesn't want her husband having sex with other people in their shared bed. I don't think it means necessarily that she's insecure or unhappy about poly. BUT it's the husband's job to figure out how he can date within that restriction. The guest room is a fine and easy solution in this case.

Sometimes there's an extra step involved in getting a guest room comfortable enough to use regularly. Like, cleaning out the junk that's stored there, getting a bigger or more comfortable bed, not also using it as a study/craft room, etc. Many people have a spare room that their mother-in-law sleeps in once a year but that wouldn't actually be comfortable for a regular partner to sleep in weekly.

I would also be cautious, however, about whether this husband is actually ready to have polyamorous relationships. The fact that he thinks it's fine for you to sleep with him in his bed but not be able to have sex there--well, honestly, that sounds like he hasn't put much thought into how dating would actually work for him.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
It's reasonable to feel weird about him wanting you to sleep with him in his bed but not being allowed to have sex with you there. (If I am reading the situation correctly).

That would be weird to me too. Which is why I asked where has OP been sleeping over at before? Why not already in the guest room?

I would also be cautious, however, about whether this husband is actually ready to have polyamorous relationships. The fact that he thinks it's fine for you to sleep with him in his bed but not be able to have sex there--well, honestly, that sounds like he hasn't put much thought into how dating would actually work for him.

This.

Galagirl
 

ref2018

Member
Wow, you definitely pushed a button among the regular contributors here, including me.
Yeah, I haven't pushed that Like button on this many posts in a single thread so far.

OP, your meta isn't trying to control your relationship. She is simply trying to control *her own bed*. Why would you even *want* to have sex in (t)he(i)r bed? Does your partner want that? And where would *she* be while you two are doing it? Seems like there are better hills to die on than this one. Or, as others have mentioned, break up and only date people who don't share their main sleeping area with someone(s) else.
 
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Inaniel

Active member
It could be as simple as bringing it up to him... meanwhile 20 people on this forum are pulling there hair out when the conversation could be a simple as him saying. “Oh, that’s a good point. Let’s sleep in the guest room from now on”...

The wife isn’t to blame for defining rules about her own possessions. Maybe I don’t allow food and drink in my car.. Don’t like it, get a ride in some other car. My car, my rules. Can’t blame me for having rules and I can’t blame you for riding in a different car when you don’t like my rules.

Can’t blame hubby for being oblivious to something his partner has an aversion to talking to him about. He doesn’t know it’s weird to YOU. For all he knows you are happy with the sutuation. Keeping your feelings from him does no one any good.

I am not understanding the concept of your behavior being dictated. It’s not your house, it’s not your bed. You are not being held captive. You are a free agent. If you are the type of person to stomp all over someone else's sofa couch with dirty shoes I guess I can see why you might feel that way. But it’s an entitlement mentality. You are a guest in a home. It’s not your home or your bed. Fucking hubby doesn’t entitle you to wifey’s stuff.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It could be as simple as bringing it up to him... meanwhile 20 people on this forum are pulling there hair out when the conversation could be a simple as him saying. “Oh, that’s a good point. Let’s sleep in the guest room from now on”...

The wife isn’t to blame for defining rules about her own possessions. Maybe I don’t allow food and drink in my car.. Don’t like it, get a ride in some other car. My car, my rules. Can’t blame me for having rules and I can’t blame you for riding in a different car when you don’t like my rules.

Can’t blame hubby for being oblivious to something his partner has an aversion to talking to him about. He doesn’t know it’s weird to YOU. For all he knows you are happy with the sutuation. Keeping your feelings from him does no one any good.

I am not understanding the concept of your behavior being dictated. It’s not your house, it’s not your bed. You are not being held captive. You are a free agent. If you are the type of person to stomp all over someone else's sofa couch with dirty shoes I guess I can see why you might feel that way. But it’s an entitlement mentality. You are a guest in a home. It’s not your home or your bed. Fucking hubby doesn’t entitle you to wifey’s stuff.
Inaniel, I don't see anyone pulling their hair out in the least. We are just sharing our various experiences and feelings about this kind of situation. That's what we do here. It's OK. I think it's a fun thing to think and talk about. There is no "one true way" to do poly, so there will be nuances.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
The wife isn’t to blame for defining rules about her own possessions.

This is a bizarrely harsh interpretation of Sunflower's situation. If the wife's possession is a bed that the husband invites the girlfriend to sleep in, then you've got a strange dynamic and Sunflower is right to feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Maybe I don’t allow food and drink in my car.. Don’t like it, get a ride in some other car. My car, my rules. Can’t blame me for having rules and I can’t blame you for riding in a different car when you don’t like my rules.

Your metaphor makes zero sense here. If we use your metaphor, in this case the husband and wife normally eat & drink in their car, and the husband has deliberately sought out a second partner partner to eat & drink with. But he tells her she can't eat & drink in his car because it's also his wife's car, even though he has invited her to ride in the car.

The solution is simple since he has a second car (the guest room), but why didn't he suggest that in the first place? If he wants another eating & drinking partner, he has to provide a place where she's allowed to eat & drink.
Can’t blame hubby for being oblivious to something his partner has an aversion to talking to him about. He doesn’t know it’s weird to YOU. For all he knows you are happy with the sutuation. Keeping your feelings from him does no one any good.

It should be obvious that it is weird to invite your girlfriend to sleep over in a place where you aren't allowed to have sex with her. That would be putting strange constraints on a dating relationship.

It would be okay if it was a rare or unusual circumstance--like normally they sleep in the guest room but one time his mom was sleeping there so they had to sleep in the master bedroom and refrain from having sex. But it would be unusual if that's always the arrangement.

Yes, Sunflower has to learn to speak up about it. But given the responses she's gotten here, no wonder she's struggling with doubts about whether her objection is reasonable!
I am not understanding the concept of your behavior being dictated.
Dating a married poly person often creates this situation. The husband and wife decided on some rules--and often enough they are reasonable rules, like no sex in our shared bed. But then the couple doesn't think through how that will affect a new partner--okay, no sex in the shared bed, so where will you be sleeping with and having sex with your new partner?

And how will the new partner feel about these rules that have been created without her input? It feels like rules imposed on her by someone else (because it is!) and she's worried that speaking up will make it seem like she's asking for too much (which obviously some posters here think she is!)

It’s not your house, it’s not your bed. You are not being held captive. You are a free agent. If you are the type of person to stomp all over someone else's sofa couch with dirty shoes I guess I can see why you might feel that way. But it’s an entitlement mentality. You are a guest in a home. It’s not your home or your bed. Fucking hubby doesn’t entitle you to wifey’s stuff.
Again, this is so bizarrely harsh I am flummoxed by your thought process. It's weird to be dating someone who invites you over but makes you feel like it's not your house or your bed. When two single people date each other, they usually try to make each other NOT feel like a guest in the other's home--they make them feel welcome, wanted, and comfortable.

Does the fact that the man is married mean that the girlfriend has to accept that she's won't feel welcome, wanted, or comfortable in his home? (This could be avoided if the husband had thought of creating a welcoming space for his dates--i.e., the guest room!)

And again, to use your metaphor, the husband and wife normally stomp all over their own sofa, and the husband has deliberately sought out a second sofa-stomping partner. But when he invites her to hang out on his sofa with him, she's not allowed to stomp on it because the wife feels icky about it. Okay, the wife is allowed to control her own sofa and I don't blame her--but the husband needs to provide a second sofa for his second partner, or at least discuss possible solutions with her.

How is it "entitled" to expect that you are allowed to have sex with your own boyfriend? How is it "entitled" to worry that maybe a relationship will have unworkable constraints if you aren't fully welcome in your boyfriend's own home?

Where do you get the idea that Sunflower feels "entitled" to the wife's stuff? Sleeping in the shared bed was the husband's idea! If the wife's "stuff" includes a shared bed where the husband wants to bring his dates, this is the husband's issue to work out.

But jeez, no wonder most solo poly women I know have given up on trying to date married poly men. If you speak up about feeling unwelcome in his home, you'll be treated as if you're trying to stomp all over the wife's "possessions." Yeesh.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
OP, your meta isn't trying to control your relationship. She is simply trying to control *her own bed*. Why would you even *want* to have sex in (t)he(i)r bed? Does your partner want that? And where would *she* be while you two are doing it? Seems like there are better hills to die on than this one. Or, as others have mentioned, break up and only date people who don't share their main sleeping area with someone(s) else.

Ditto what I said to Inaniel. This is a BIZARRE interpretation. (Well, clearly not "bizarre," since other people (wrongly) agree--but definitely the wrongest thing I have seen on this internet this week!)

The wife may not be trying to deliberately control the relationship, but her rules will have that effect. Unless the husband can figure out a solution. It's HIS responsibility to figure out where he can have sex with and sleep with his own girlfriend, and how to make her feel like she's welcome in his home and has a chance at having a real relationship with him. Or, he can choose not date anyone other than his wife.
 
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