The wife isn’t to blame for defining rules about her own possessions.
This is a bizarrely harsh interpretation of Sunflower's situation. If the wife's possession is a bed that the husband invites the girlfriend to sleep in, then you've got a strange dynamic and Sunflower is right to feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.
Maybe I don’t allow food and drink in my car.. Don’t like it, get a ride in some other car. My car, my rules. Can’t blame me for having rules and I can’t blame you for riding in a different car when you don’t like my rules.
Your metaphor makes zero sense here. If we use your metaphor, in this case the husband and wife normally eat & drink in their car, and the husband has deliberately sought out a second partner partner to eat & drink with. But he tells her she can't eat & drink in his car because it's also his wife's car, even though he has invited her to ride in the car.
The solution is simple since he has a second car (the guest room), but why didn't he suggest that in the first place? If he wants another eating & drinking partner, he has to provide a place where she's allowed to eat & drink.
Can’t blame hubby for being oblivious to something his partner has an aversion to talking to him about. He doesn’t know it’s weird to YOU. For all he knows you are happy with the sutuation. Keeping your feelings from him does no one any good.
It should be obvious that it is weird to invite your girlfriend to sleep over in a place where you aren't allowed to have sex with her. That would be putting strange constraints on a dating relationship.
It would be okay if it was a rare or unusual circumstance--like normally they sleep in the guest room but one time his mom was sleeping there so they had to sleep in the master bedroom and refrain from having sex. But it would be unusual if that's always the arrangement.
Yes, Sunflower has to learn to speak up about it. But given the responses she's gotten here, no wonder she's struggling with doubts about whether her objection is reasonable!
I am not understanding the concept of your behavior being dictated.
Dating a married poly person often creates this situation. The husband and wife decided on some rules--and often enough they are reasonable rules, like no sex in our shared bed. But then the couple doesn't think through how that will affect a new partner--okay, no sex in the shared bed, so where will you be sleeping with and having sex with your new partner?
And how will the new partner feel about these rules that have been created without her input? It feels like rules imposed on her by someone else (because it is!) and she's worried that speaking up will make it seem like she's asking for too much (which obviously some posters here think she is!)
It’s not your house, it’s not your bed. You are not being held captive. You are a free agent. If you are the type of person to stomp all over someone else's sofa couch with dirty shoes I guess I can see why you might feel that way. But it’s an entitlement mentality. You are a guest in a home. It’s not your home or your bed. Fucking hubby doesn’t entitle you to wifey’s stuff.
Again, this is so bizarrely harsh I am flummoxed by your thought process. It's weird to be dating someone who invites you over but makes you feel like it's not your house or your bed. When two single people date each other, they usually try to make each other NOT feel like a guest in the other's home--they make them feel welcome, wanted, and comfortable.
Does the fact that the man is married mean that the girlfriend has to accept that she's won't feel welcome, wanted, or comfortable in his home? (This could be avoided if the husband had thought of creating a welcoming space for his dates--i.e., the guest room!)
And again, to use your metaphor, the husband and wife normally stomp all over their own sofa, and the husband has deliberately sought out a second sofa-stomping partner. But when he invites her to hang out on his sofa with him, she's not allowed to stomp on it because the wife feels icky about it. Okay, the wife is allowed to control her own sofa and I don't blame her--but the husband needs to provide a second sofa for his second partner, or at least discuss possible solutions with her.
How is it "entitled" to expect that you are allowed to have sex with your own boyfriend? How is it "entitled" to worry that maybe a relationship will have unworkable constraints if you aren't fully welcome in your boyfriend's own home?
Where do you get the idea that Sunflower feels "entitled" to the wife's stuff? Sleeping in the shared bed was the husband's idea! If the wife's "stuff" includes a shared bed where the husband wants to bring his dates, this is the husband's issue to work out.
But jeez, no wonder most solo poly women I know have given up on trying to date married poly men. If you speak up about feeling unwelcome in his home, you'll be treated as if you're trying to stomp all over the wife's "possessions." Yeesh.