New Polycule

[ref2018]

Unless the husband can figure out a solution. It's HIS responsibility to figure out where he can have sex with and sleep with his own girlfriend, and how to make her feel like she's welcome in his home and has a chance at having a real relationship with him. Or, he can choose not date anyone other than his wife.

Obviously the husband/bf has some responsibility in this. But OP is the one here asking for advice, not him, so she's being told what *she* could/should/ought to do. If he came here asking these questions, I'd probably say the same thing you did.

If we're going after perspective here, we really need to have the wife's side of the story.

Ditto what I said to Inaniel. This is a BIZARRE interpretation. (Well, clearly not "bizarre," since other people (wrongly) agree--but definitely the wrongest thing I have seen on this internet this week!)

Ditto to you, lmao.

 

[Inaniel]

This is a bizarrely harsh interpretation of Sunflower's situation. If the wife's possession is a bed that the husband invites the girlfriend to sleep in, then you've got a strange dynamic and Sunflower is right to feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Meera, the OP never said that. You made that up as a hypothetical but it was never actually stated by the OP... Additionally, your suggestion that wife can’t dictate rules about her own possessions without making someone feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in the home is just an exaggeration. With those two things in mind the rest of your response sort of falls apart. I read through your tactic where “facts” are made up to make an argument... That doesn’t make for a good argument.

I interpret OP as saying the shared bed is off limits. Like a shared toothbrush, maybe hubby and wife share a toothbrush and maybe hubby and girlfriend share a toothbrush. If wife wants to share a toothbrush with hubby but not meta, that’s okay. It’s her prerogative.

Sharing a toothbrush with hubby doesn’t entitle you to the toothbrushes he shares with others. I’m shocked a solo poly person doesn’t understand that... Entitlement.


I am also surprised that you are pushing so much of the responsibility onto hubby when:

1. He hasn’t even been made aware of the issue. Or had a chance to support OP because she would rather listen to a bunch of anonymous people bickering about her problem online than take it to her partner... and,

2. This “weird” behavior that you are pushing onto him where op can sleep in a bed but not have sex in the bed; is made up and not specifically stated by the OP.

In my opinion responsibility for this issue lies solely on OP UNTIL she makes her feelings known to the nessecary parties. At that point it is hubby and wife’s responsibility to support, compromise, and collaborate in order to find a solution that makes everyone comfortable. And if that is not possible because either OP can’t make her feelings known or a solution cannot be agreed upon, the relationship should be terminated.

To act like hubby shouldn’t date unless he can share sex in the bed he shares with wife.. Well that is just silly. Obviously he can find someone who can accommodate that boundary. It just might not be OP.

 

[sunflower231]

Firstly, tons of negative responses and incredibly accusatory. Allow me to clarify - I posted here because I was conflicted and confused about my feelings because I am NEW TO THIS TYPE OF POLY. Guess what? I’m allowed to feel, and feelings aren’t always rational. Quite the contrary, they are RARELY rational. I wanted an unbiased opinion before broaching it with my partner - are these feelings my own insecurities flaring up or are they genuine concerns? Is it something I should stifle and deal with or share with my partner? Is there maybe a reasonable compromise that keeps everyone happy? Just because I asked for advice doesn’t make me some villainous terrible person. I also never said I WANT to have sex in their bed. However, he prefers to sleep in their bed because it’s better for his back. He is always welcome to stay at my home, but due to him having children sometimes it’s more practical for me to stay at his. And FOR ME, it feels a little weird to know I “can’t” do anything sexual with my partner in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning or whatever. That was it - I had a feeling, and I was hoping for some advice on the best and healthiest way to deal with that.

Thanks for such a wonderful welcome. I most assuredly will not be back. For the record, if you read my original post - I WAS ASKING IF I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE. Trying to understand and learn and be better is me doing the best I can, and I will be damned if I will let ANYONE put me down for that. For those of you who respond with such strong judgment and condemnation, get off your high horse. I was asking for advice and guidance and opinion - I did not at ANY point give ANY of you the right to judge me.

 

[sunflower231]

Firstly, tons of negative responses and incredibly accusatory. Allow me to clarify - I posted here because I was conflicted and confused about my feelings because I am NEW TO THIS TYPE OF POLY. Guess what? I’m allowed to feel, and feelings aren’t always rational. Quite the contrary, they are RARELY rational. I wanted an unbiased opinion before broaching it with my partner - are these feelings my own insecurities flaring up or are they genuine concerns? Is it something I should stifle and deal with or share with my partner? Is there maybe a reasonable compromise that keeps everyone happy? Just because I asked for advice doesn’t make me some villainous terrible person. I also never said I WANT to have sex in their bed. However, he prefers to sleep in their bed because it’s better for his back. He is always welcome to stay at my home, but due to him having children sometimes it’s more practical for me to stay at his. And FOR ME, it feels a little weird to know I “can’t” do anything sexual with my partner in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning or whatever. That was it - I had a feeling, and I was hoping for some advice on the best and healthiest way to deal with that.

Thanks for such a wonderful welcome. I most assuredly will not be back. For the record, if you read my original post - I WAS ASKING IF I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE. Trying to understand and learn and be better is me doing the best I can, and I will be damned if I will let ANYONE put me down for that. For those of you who respond with such strong judgment and condemnation, get off your high horse. I was asking for advice and guidance and opinion - I did not at ANY point give ANY of you the right to judge me.

And that is exactly WHY I was conflicted. I understand why she feels the way she does - it is her bed, just as my bed is my bed. But I also understand the way I feel - I want to know when I’m sleeping next to my boyfriend I don’t have restrictions on touching them. To me both of those feelings are valid and I was just looking for help on the best way to navigate things. Because it FEELS like couples privilege whether it is or isn’t. I personally wouldn’t have invited me to sleep in the bed if that was the case, but my partner not only invited me but explained that it’s easier on his back. So idk what the right answer is but shame on those of you who commented with nothing helpful and only degraded and judged me. That is not okay when someone is looking for help. I didn’t invite you to judge my character or ask your opinion of me as a person. I wasn’t “venting my frustrations.” I was looking for HOW to handle this in the most healthy and positive way.

 

[PinkPig]

Given the new information, I would discuss it with your partner. If he can afford it, a better mattress for the guest room makes the most sense. I am sorry you felt attacked. I'm certain that was not anyone's intent. The posters on this board just tend to be blunt and not sugar coat things. To be honest, I find that refreshing.

Good luck. I hope you and your partner can find a resolution that works for both of you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I understand why she feels the way she does - it is her bed, just as my bed is my bed. But I also understand the way I feel - I want to know when I’m sleeping next to my boyfriend I don’t have restrictions on touching them. To me both of those feelings are valid and I was just looking for help on the best way to navigate things. Because it FEELS like couples privilege whether it is or isn’t.

Of course you feelings are valid!

I personally wouldn’t have invited me to sleep in the bed if that was the case, but my partner not only invited me but explained that it’s easier on his back.

If guest room is the most logical place to meeting his agreements with his wife, as well as give you some space in his home?Perhaps it is time to review the guest bed situation and buy a mattress that is ok for his back to put on it.

Maybe he just didn't realize it weird for you. Maybe he's a newbie figuring things out that he needs to prepare things for you, his other poly partner, ahead of time. Then you can feel valued and not like "after thought."

Just like on your end, you might have to learn to speak up when things feel weird.

It's ok to be new and in the transition time.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi sunflower,

I want to apologize to you if I have judged you in any way. Such was not my intention, but perhaps I posted carelessly. It makes me sad that you are leaving with the intention of never coming back, I hope you will change your mind about that even though I can understand if you don't. You have made an important contribution to the forum, nothing will take away from that. I hope you can forgive even if you can't forget. If sleeping in the guest room hurts your partner's back, then it is certainly reasonable to want to have sex in the master bed.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

I WAS ASKING IF I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE...

I was asking for advice and guidance and opinion - I did not at ANY point give ANY of you the right to judge me.

Opinions ARE judgements based on the information we have available, personal experience, and a bit of speculation, but it is not conclusive. The conclusion you reach as to whether you are being unreasonable or not will play out in time. I saw contributors engaging strongly with each other, but nobody attacked you, OP.

The advice and guidance was pretty clear, OP. Talk to your partner about your concerns.

And now, knowing that you do sleep in the bed but not have sex in it, and this is to accommodate his back and her boundaries, then you could ask what is being done to accommodate the sexual intimacy part of your relationship with him? One solution would be to save up for a new mattress for the other room. You may offer to contribute half. I know this could be an expensive option, but it is a good investment in your relationship.

As inconvenient for you as it is, the wife is allowed that boundary. I disagree with other contributors that the bed is her possession as this sounds like it's not his, too. But if they are going to do poly in a way that respects you, or any other partners, then upgrading the guest room so it is a practical option for sleeping in is really the most equitable solution.

 

[MeeraReed]

I hope you stick around, Sunflower, despite the incredibly negative "welcome" you received here. It is actually out of character of the forum for there to be such a harsh response to such a minor issue--hence why I called out the harshest comments--because they genuinely seemed bizarre and out of proportion given what you posted.

I won't hold my breath for them to apologize or admit their wrongness though

 

[sunflower231]

Given the new information, I would discuss it with your partner. If he can afford it, a better mattress for the guest room makes the most sense. I am sorry you felt attacked. I'm certain that was not anyone's intent. The posters on this board just tend to be blunt and not sugar coat things. To be honest, I find that refreshing.

Good luck. I hope you and your partner can find a resolution that works for both of you.

I hope we can find a resolution as well.

I am ok with blunt. I am not ok with having my feelings deliberately invalidated, being told I have a chip on my shoulder, am being ridiculous/unreasonable by even posting the question, and that I act entitled. That isn’t directed at you specifically but rather at an overall theme in the responses I received. Kindness and bluntness are not mutually exclusive, and bluntness and rudeness are not synonymous.

I appreciate your kind reply, and I am hopeful that my partner and I can sleep in the guest room in the future with a new mattress if necessary, or that he’ll propose an alternative solution that works for everyone.

 

[Magdlyn]

I hope we can find a resolution as well.

I am ok with blunt. I am not ok with having my feelings deliberately invalidated, being told I have a chip on my shoulder, am being ridiculous/unreasonable by even posting the question, and that I act entitled. That isn’t directed at you specifically but rather at an overall theme in the responses I received. Kindness and bluntness are not mutually exclusive, and bluntness and rudeness are not synonymous.

I appreciate your kind reply, and I am hopeful that my partner and I can sleep in the guest room in the future with a new mattress if necessary, or that he’ll propose an alternative solution that works for everyone.

I apologize for the heated words of some of the posters here too. I don't think I was being judgmental, myself. I asked whether all 3 of you were sharing the one bed, and if so, why? Or maybe wife sleeps in the guest room when you spend the night, and leaves you and bf to sleep together with the (unreasonable, unrealistic) order to just sleep in the "master" bed, but not have sex on it.

As a queer (pansexual) woman, I don't call only intercourse "sex." There are other forms of sex. What if bf got hard in the night, touched your breasts and humped your ass, without penetration of your body? I mean, that kinda stuff happens with people with libidos. Did the wife forbid him to get an erection while sleeping or half awake? Would he have to roll over away from you and force himself to deflate? It's just so unrealistic. What if you got turned on being next to your lover? Would you be "allowed" to masturbate, to get a release, to be able to sleep? It seems no one has thought this through very well.

I guess you could always have sex in the guest room first, and then move to the comfortable "master" bed for sleep. Where does wife go? Does she sleep in the guest room where you and her h just had sex (who changes the sheets?), or does she sleep a trois in the master bed with you and her h, knowing y'all just had sex in the other room, and might still be wearing each other's essence?

It's never OK to just repress your feelings and try to brush things under the carpet, in any adult relationship. But it's even more important in polyamory, to learn how to express your feelings respectfully, and feel heard, and be able to let your partner express their feelings, and really hear them. Then, after that, you make your plans. And any guideline you do come up with is always up for renegotiation. There are no vows, no "forever and evers." A guideline that worked in 2020 may no longer work in 2022.

I understand the issue of him just wanting to sleep on his comfortable mattress. It's funny to me that his wife is OK with you sleeping in the bed (with or without her also being in it), but not having sex. We all sweat a liter of water through our pores every time we sleep in a bed for 6-8 hours, after all.

A more comfortable guest room mattress is the only long-term solution. Until the purchase is made, if I were you, I'd sleep in the guest room, with bf cuddling/fucking you in there, as desired, before and/or after sleep time. At least the wife is OK with you sleeping and having sex in her house. Some metamours don't like their partner's OSOs to have sex in their house at all. Some barely want them to come inside past the front door.

I'm glad you came here for advice.

 

[Magdlyn]

Also, you sleeping in the guest room alone is a good idea (maybe, for now), since you mentioned kids being in the house. If this couple are new to poly, they may not have yet decided how or if to tell their kids that Daddy has a gf.

Does Wife have an OSO too? How does she make sleeping/sex arrangements for herself and another partner? Are there any double standards going on?

 

[annajamey]

Candlelit tables for two. Marriage licenses with two lines. Artsy salt-and-pepper shakers locked in an embrace. Even while our society has made incredible strides in the legalization of same-sex marriage, the idea that a relationship could include more than two people has remained a taboo—even when one in five Americans claim that they have been in a relationship with more than one person.

 

[Marcus]

I’m not ok with my behavior being dictated in any circumstance, but it especially rubs me the wrong way if it’s to accommodate another partner’s insecurities.

Man I hear you. I personally would see that as my invitation to say "nope, but you can come over to my place". I don't see that there is anything particularly unusual or diabolical, but it's couple stuff and I'm not interested in navigating that kind of stuff.

I want to bring it up, but I don’t know how to do that without an ultimatum.

I personally don't think it's my place to tell someone who is living their life, that they need to make adjustments to suit me. I think it's good to express our thoughts and be honest with people, so in that regard it seems healthy enough to have a polite conversation about it. Otherwise, I'd adjust my expectations and behaviors to line up with actual reality. In this case, he could come over to my place or we don't have to hang out, it's cool.