New to a mono/poly relationship

G

glowinthedarkstars

New member
Hello. I'm new around here and have nobody to discuss this with, so I thought this forum might be a good place. I have been lurking for a couple of months but finally made an account.

I met a fantastic man who is poly. When I first met him, he told me all about polyamory, and later urged me to buy "The Ethical Slut". Out of curiosity, I'd read about polyamory online after our first conversation. I felt open towards the concept, but didn't have any moment where I knew it was for me. I don't know how I am wired.

I have only been in one relationship before my current one. It was strictly mono (with an extremely controlling, jealous guy we will call Slade). I was with him from age 17 to 20. Slade was my first, the first guy I even made out with.

Then, shortly before turning 20, I reunited with this poly man (Patrick), after months of thinking he was unattainable and a man I'd never see again. I was really excited to see him and realized I liked him a lot. We fooled around a bit. (Slade had told me he would have an open relationship with me, but we both knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.) Anyhow, Patrick told me he wasn't looking for a hookup, he was looking for a relationship, and he wouldn't see me unless I came clean to Slade about him.

Needless to say, I came clean to Slade, and eventually broke up with him, something I had been thinking about doing, but never had the courage to do. I was staying in a relationship where I was unhappy.

I felt like things were going swimmingly with Patrick. I've been kind of seeing him since September. Of course I didn't know if I was seeing him or what. His Facebook status said single until recently.

A few problems or challenges have arisen though. 1) Patrick is a huge flirt. He has dated and hooked up with hundreds of girls, and makes out with many girls when we go out. This isn't a problem, really... He tells me, "I'm probably going to be making out with some girls at this party," and tells me about it afterwards, if I want to know. In a few cases, he has told me he hooked up with a girl, but afterwards. Of course I feel jealous the moment he tells me, but I don't think the girl is going to replace me.

He encourages me to talk to other boys and see other people. I have only been with one other person in my life. I have social anxiety disorder. I am not exactly a social butterfly. I don't really want to meet other people at this time. I don't want to seem clingy to him, though.

He met a girl who I really liked a while ago, about a month after we started seeing each other. I felt like he was in love with her. If he was, he wouldn't admit it, because he only uses the word love when giving his polyamory lecture. He would talk about her often. He would tell me to be more like her, sometimes that I was more and more like her every day, that he missed her when she was gone, etc. It bothered me, and I told him so, eventually. But she moved across the country to be with her love. He got depressed, and slowly got over her. It was really hard on me.

I feel like he would have wanted to be mono with her, even though he has been poly (or mono out of convenience) for 17 years. He is 30 and I just turned 20. I have no experience. I don't know how to even flirt with people... and he has been an "ethical slut" for 17 years.

The problem now is me. I am depressed; I struggle really badly sometimes. Slade used to be a support system for me sort of. Patrick doesn't know how to deal with my 'baggage' and finds it draining. He constantly tells me that confidence is a huge turn-on, well knowing I struggle with mine. The other girl came off as extremely confident and flirty. I feel like Patrick preaches this idea that someone who is poly has different needs and loves people in different ways, but like he's constantly comparing me to her.

She doesn't tell him about her problems as I do. I don't want to do that to him, and sometimes he reacts badly, so I try to no longer tell him when I am having trouble, unless things are reeally bad and I need a friend. (I actually dont have any friends really, except a couple online. Social anxiety.)

Last night after I went to him because things were really bad, a friend of mine was serious about suicide....after we were talking he told me, "I don't think our relationship is going to last," because I am instinctually drawn to troubled people, people with depression, friends who are suicidal, people who hurt themselves, and he is none of those things. He said, "I don't think we have anything in common." I pointed out to him that I love that about him because it makes me more hopeful, more confident, and feel better about myself and my life, and all the things we have in common in spite of his remark.

What he said really hurt me. He then signed offline, after saying "Night!" I texted him later and said, "Thank you for your support. You're right, our relationship isn't going to last if you do not want it to." He replied, "I want you, but do you want me?" I replied of course, because I reeeally like this man. But his reply confused me. I felt relieved, but simply confused.

I expressed my fears to him a while ago, not that I would be jealous of his other girls, but that he will find a poly woman (which is what he really wants), who will not have my emotional baggage and mono needs, and will prefer that over me simply because I am a burden at times. I do not know if my positives are enough to outweigh my negatives, when this man can get ANY any girl he wants.

I haven't told him, because I know it will freak him out, but I love this man. He's no longer the "perfect" guy I hooked up with, because I know him better, his fears, what frustrates him, his mannerisms and "flaws," and I don't love him any less for these things. He is a beautiful person and I want to be with him. I do not know how he feels about me. He says things like, "I don't know why I keep attracting girls with problems, who don't know what they want etc."

I told him that makes me feel bad, and he said he was sorry. Likewise I told him that how he compares me to the other girl makes me feel bad, and he apologized as well. He says he doesn't have a filter. He just says what he is thinking or feeling.

I know this is really a long message but, well, it's cathartic, even if I do not receive any replies. I dont even know if I had a question....
I hope to get to know you guys around here. Thanks for listening.

-Glowstars
 
It seems your intuition is pushing you in the best direction... You say you love him, but you are unsure of what to do. If I met someone who criticized me like that (comparing me to other women, saying off handed comments about how he attracts people with "problems", etc.), I would leave him.

Also, everyone has baggage. If anyone wants a relationship with someone, they have to realize that and know that it is a part of the person. Baggage can be a good part of a person if they can work through it to become a better person. So, to assume you won't have baggage one day is naive.

And, "not having a filter" is bullshit and immature. Yes, you should share things, be open, and honest. It sounds to me that he said that as an excuse for his bad behavior. If he truly cared for you, he would frame things better, while still holding on to the original meaning.

If I were you, I would ask myself this (for any one!): Why would I ever want to be with someone who doesn't want me, or who treats me in a way that hurts me?

If you raise your standards, and make a clear list of what is truly important to you in a relationship, those people will come to you. This especially works if you love yourself first and have confidence in your value in the world.

Here is an example of such a list (yours is personal to you, so may be different)

The Relationship Death List
These are the things you have to do to end a relationship with me:

* Lie actively or by omission.
* Be emotionally abusive by constantly criticizing me or not supporting my endeavors.
* Assume that you are number one in my life. (You are not. I am.)
* Whine about how the world is always out to get you. You are in control of your own happiness.
* Cheat on me or deceive me.
* Break relationship agreements and step over my boundaries.
* Disrespect me, my family, my friends, or even my cat.
* Become stagnant in life and stop improving yourself and our relationship.
* Be disrespectful of my time by frequently cancelling plans last minute with no good reason, or even always assuming me to always be available last minute.
* Rush me or push me in making decisions.

These are things I need:

* Love, compassion, caring, respect, loyalty, dependability, kindness, great sex, time.
* The opposite of the Relationship Death List!
 
Redsirenn, thank you so much for your reply. Prior to meeting Patrick, I was in a relationship for 2 years with someone who was manipulative, but clingy and controlling. Now with Patrick I have this new freedom with him. I think he's a beautiful person who I do want to be with.

It's true, though, I should not tolerate those off-handed comments. I did tell him recently to stop comparing me, and how it hurts me to hear those things. He hasn't said anything since. But he gets easily frustrated with my depression and doesn't want to deal with emotional things. I told him sometimes I don't tell him how I'm feeling because I don't want to upset him. He and I are different in that respect.

Like you, he is 110% devoted to improving his life. I would like to be, as well, but often my depression interferes with my motivation and optimism. I'm not saying it's an excuse. I am now on medications and trying to get the help I need. He is more understanding of my depression than the last guy I was dating, but he doesn't understand why sometimes I give up on trying to get better (aka becoming stagnant in life). I really like your list and I am going to make my own. I never even thought of something so simple.

Thank you very much for the advice.
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
I met a fantastic man who is poly.
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What makes him fantastic?

I didn't know if I was seeing him. His Facebook status said single until recently.
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I would recommend asking straightforward questions. Nothing like getting the truth from the horse's mouth.

He met a girl who I really liked a while ago, about a month after we started seeing each other. I felt like he was in love with her. If he was, he didn't admit it, because he only uses the word love when giving his polyamory lecture.
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What made you think he was in love with her? What is his polyamory lecture? Given the choice of your words, it sounds like an undesirable thing.

He would tell me to be more like her. Sometimes that I was more and more like her every day.
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He would say this directly: "Why can't you be more like her?"

Last night I went to him because things were really bad (a friend of mine was serious about suicide...), afterwards, when we were talking, he told me, "I don't think our relationship is going to last," because I am instinctually drawn to troubled people, people with depression, friends who are suicidal, people who hurt themselves. and he is none of those things. He said I don't think we have anything in common. I pointed out to him that I love that about him because it makes me more hopeful, more confident and feel better about myself and my life, and all the things we have in common in spite of his remark.
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When I was 18, I was dating a man who was 25, and he often said things to me about how I was at a different "status" than him. (I was just out of high school and he was doing his master's degree.) He criticized how shy I was, told me that when I was his age, I'd understand, and other such bullshit.

At the time, I resented anyone telling me what to do, but I will say this for myself, I will never allow anyone to demean me that way again. When one is 20 with a social anxiety disorder and a tendency towards depression, it is easier to look up to people who seem to have their shit together and feel inadequate.

But if this man is comparing you to another woman while touting polyamorous ideals and possibly avoiding deeper "baggage", then I'm wondering if he avoids the hard stuff.

He replied "I want you, but do you want me?" I replied, of course, because I reeeally like this man. But his reply confused me. I felt relieved but simply confused.
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I'm also wondering if he's worried that you will not be attracted to him because he perceives that you prefer people with "problems."

At 20, I had lots of stuff to sort out. Family issues, depression, all kinds of stuff. So, as much as I HATED hearing this at the age of 20, my best advice is to work on yourself. Find the root of your depression and give it a lot of love. Nurture yourself and your own self-confidence. There is nothing this man can do or say to make you feel better about yourself; it must come from within.

Poly isn't something to be because someone you love is. It will be very painful and destructive for you if you try to fit into a poly box because of someone else.

I also suggest having a very honest conversation and asking him questions about where he's at, because it seems you're unsure.
 
Stars,

The more I hear, the more I just shake my head. I have to say I agree with the others.

This guy honestly doesn't sound like he's poly. He sounds like he's an emotional predator who uses manipulation to get women to give him sexual and emotional power over them.

If I were you I would RUN, not walk, but RUN away from him.

You are worth so much more than being treated like second best just because you are kind, loving, respectful, and open. He's taking advantage of a beautiful person. Do not let him do that to you.

((hugs)) Trust me, you will find someone (or ones) much better. You do deserve that. :)
 
Wow. Thanks for all the in-depth replies. It's really nice of you guys to really take a look at my situation and give me advice. I realize I will have to do some soul searching. While it is true that Patrick is quite immature, and unfair at times, I do not think I am ready to leave. In fact, I adore spending time with him and learning from him.


rolypoly said:
What makes him fantastic?
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He is always trying to improve his life. I find him to be very inspiring and generally fun to be around. He is gorgeous, and great in bed, too.

Of course, I can only compare him to my prior relationship, and the two are nothing alike. This time around in my relationship, I feel that I am more aware of what I deserve, and can voice my concerns. It's true though, I shouldn't be with someone who says things that hurt me. I question if he is truly poly myself, even though he knows the ethical slut by heart, goes to poly events and claims his needs could never be met by one person.

I know that he has a lot of sex. A lot. And I wonder how much he is just a slut. *lol* I don't mean that in a bad way.

What made you think he was in love with her? What is his polyamory lecture? Given the choice of your words, it sounds like an undesirable thing.
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He talked about her very highly, and when she wasn't around he looked like a sad puppy. When she was around, you could see his eyes light up almost (kinda like my ex told me my eyes did when I see Patrick) and he was super crushed when she left.

Right before she left for Cali, Patrick came to visit me in NJ. I was doing really poorly, having suicidal thoughts due to a change in medications and unstable mood. He came over and said, "Let's go drive to see Candace before she leaves." Candace lives 4 hours away. I said okay. I fell asleep in the car. Much later, Patrick told me he had turned back because it was selfish of him to do this. (And it was 3 in the morning. C was to leave around 4am.) That was pretty profound to hear him say.

He would say directly: "Why can't you be more like her?"
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Not exactly. More like, "Glow, you need to be more confident in yourself. Confidence is sexy. Look at C, for instance, how she carries herself, she is so beautiful and confident that she can turn everybody's head when she enters a room." or "You are becoming more and more like C every day."

He no longer says stuff like this after I told him it really bothers me, that C is C and I am Me!

When one is 20 with a social anxiety disorder and a tendency towards depression, it is easier to look up to people who seem to have their shit together and feel inadequate.
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I have been like this all my life. Oddly, since I was about 13, and starting becoming regular on forums on the internet, making internet friends and whatnot, every single one of them was older than me. Most were males too. Everyone is quick to judge, but I know they meant no harm to me. I did look up to them, and still do. With Patrick, yeah, I look up to him, but I def see his flaws a bit better than when we first met. :p Then he was rather perfect. *haha*

But if this man is comparing you to another woman while touting polyamorous ideals and possibly avoiding deeper "baggage", then I'm wondering if he avoids the hard stuff.
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Me too...
At 20, I had lots of stuff to sort out. Family issues, depression, all kinds of stuff. So, as much as I HATED hearing this at the age of 20, my best advice is to work on yourself. Find the root of your depression and give it a lot of love. Nurture yourself and your own self-confidence. There is nothing this man can do or say to make you feel better about yourself, it must come from within.
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So true. I am not expecting that to come from him, but he has helped me tremendously to realize that I can find it within myself. He told me the exact same thing as you just said in an email once.

Poly isn't something to be because someone you love is. It will be very painful and destructive for you if you try to fit into a poly box because of someone else.
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I have thought about this many times, of course. To be 100% honest, I don't know what box I fit in. Maybe if I were poly I would know for certain. Then again, I am only 20 and have only had one other relationship in my life. I am willing to explore. (Then again, when P tells me to go talk to other boys, I don't really feel like I want to. Could be the social issues, though.)

I know that when I talk to people about polyamory, most people I know say, "Oh, I could never do that. I could never date someone if i knew they were kissing someone else or seeing someone else, etc." But I dont have that reaction at all. Yes, I get jealous, but I went into this relationship knowing he was poly and wanting to be involved with him anyway. I don't know what this makes me.

I also suggest having a very honest conversation and asking him questions about where he's at, because it seems you're unsure.
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GOOD PLAN

Thanks for all the great advice. I am so glad I finally signed up here. You all are very supportive and helpful.
xx
 
moving forward

HI Glow,

Thanks for sharing all that with us !

I think Redsirenn gave you some good feedback regarding relationships (current or future), but I think it also spoke indirectly to a bigger need/concept that you need to grab (maybe you did). That is, right now, you need to focus on YOU. Relationships, although they might be/seem helpful, can also be a distraction, and even detrimental. My thoughts are just that I'd go slow and not give them a high priority just yet.

I'd focus on loving yourself, and working towards making your life happy and fulfilling first, by your own definition, and no one else's. You seem obviously bright, caring, insightful, attractive and have a lot going for you. Everyone is not so lucky. Embrace the good you already have and try to add to it. As Redsirenn alluded to, the rest will follow.

"Polyamory" is a very complex subject in both philosophy and action. Because of what I pick up of your generally loving nature and ability to open your mind, along with your heart, I can see where it might strike a chord. My thoughts-- don't be in a hurry. Take note of the possibilities, but don't necessarily go running hell-bent down that path (or any for that matter) with the idea that it's somehow going to transform your life in 90 seconds <grin>. Those sudden transformations are rare.

Here I also have to offer a differing viewpoint on a couple statements Redsirenn made. I think it's important.
1) Everyone has baggage
2) To assume you won't have baggage one day is naive

I don't question that maybe that's "someone's truth," maybe even a lot in our current society. But I can assure you it's not the only truth. Depending on what we'd agree was a definition of baggage, I could categorically assure you it's not true.

And the part about never being free of that baggage just plain scares and depresses me. I think it could serve as an all too convenient crutch. A failsafe for lack of total commitment. Ya know, kind of like saying, "Well, I'm off to Zgthryr Island," which I know doesn't exist. So if I never get there, it's not my fault. I'll just always be stuck on this dusty trail. To me, that's just kind of self defeating.

You go, girl! You're awesome. :) I can just tell!
 
Thanks, GroundedSpirit. I agree completely. I broke up with Slade because I decided my needs were more important to me then his. With Patrick, I feel like I have this freedom to put myself first. He isn't demanding. In fact, he encourages me to put myself before him in any situation. Sometimes I don't, because I have gotten used to putting Slade's needs before mine in my past relationship.

I am learning how to improve myself in the process of being in this relationship with Patrick. Polyamory seems challenging, but not impossible. I'm not sure if I'm wired that way. I don't think I am. But I can see the benefits of polyamory, in spite of the challenges.

Your point about baggage is right. While I think everyone has baggage, it's to different degrees. I have dealt with my baggage for many years in certain ways. Patrick is not accustomed to this stuff. I wish I didn't have it, but I do. It's not an excuse to not improve myself, but it does impact my motivation at times. I am a work in progress and that is okay. I just hope Patrick can see that.

Thank you, Grounded. I feel more optimistic now. Got a lot to think about.
 
Just to clarify: when I say baggage, I mean both the bad and good experiences in life that make us who we are. We will always have that. Don't want to miscommunicate.
 
Well, there we go, Red. I see. Damned if we don't always get tangled up in language. I still think we ought to toss it all and just go back to drawing pictures. ;) Glad you clarified for Glow. Puts a whole different perspective on it.
 
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