New to Everything! Advice?

[pipaloothegreat]

Hello!

My name is Piper. I'm a bisexual 23-yr old with one partner and I'm looking to get started within the polyamorous community. I've been interested in polyamory for years now. I'm currently engaged and in a monogamous relationship with my partner (25M) of four years (five in September).

We have an excellent and healthy relationship, but for the longest time I've just wanted... more? It's weird, because I love him so much. He's one of the first men I've ever been romantically and sexually attracted to, but for years I've just wanted more out of our relationship that (no matter how hard he tries) he can't give me. Not just more sexually (as he does identify as asexual), but more romantically? It's hard to explain, but I've just felt like there was something missing in my life, and over the past couple years polyamory has sounded so right!

I'm also interested in starting a relationship with my long-distance friend (27M) who lives in another state. However, I've seen in some articles that it's not a good idea to start polyamorous relationships off with people you already know.

I was planning on having a discussion with my fiance as soon as I got off work this afternoon regarding opening our relationship, who I am interested in, and letting him set any boundaries that would make him feel more comfortable with me dating (within reason). If anyone has any advice or stories about how they introduced polyamory to a monogamous partner before, please help!!!

Thank you for reading, I hope to make life-long friends here!

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome, Piper!

You may want to begin reading here Thread 'Most commonly cited articles and books master thread' https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

This could also have some links that you could share/read/watch with your fiancé.

What would you get from that LDR? It sounds like you want more things available on the daily, like sex and romance. This relationship isn't enough for you, so you want to fill in the gaps with someone else. Is that fair to that someone else? You may get some offers for sex, perhaps even romantic gestures, but if that person wants a (poly) relationship with you, could you do it? Could your fiancé cope? A lot for you and he to discuss before you approach anyone else and that's okay, many of us spent a lot of time feeling things out (and getting them wrong) before getting it right.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Piper,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Personally I don't have a problem with you starting a relationship with your long-distance friend, but, I don't put as many rules on polyamory as some people do. What matters to me is that everything is done with mutual consent, that is what defines morality in my world. If your fiancé consents and your friend consents, I say go for it.

Going by my own experience, the best way to introduce polyamory to a monogamous partner is to be very simple and direct about it. In your situation, something like, "Honey, lately I've been wanting to have a polyamorous relationship with you. Can we talk about that?" and of course you have to respect his response, after all he is his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings.

In the meantime, I believe you can make many friends here on Polyamory.com, the secret is to be a regular participant in our discussions. Explore our various threads and boards, and post whenever a new question arises for you. We will do our best to help. Keep us updated on your situation as it evolves. Good luck! and good love.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

I moved your thread to a better forum for advice, so hopefully more people will chime in (and you will come back too)!

I agree with Evie that what is missing for you is romance and sex. It's certainly possible to deeply love someone without those things, but generally long-term adult relationships work best between people who both want those things. If one does and the other doesn't, there is a mismatch.

I'd strongly recommend putting off getting married until well after you've broached the subject of opening up your relationship with your partner, and have been actually doing it and making it work for a year or two. And even before starting to date others, most successful formerly monoamorous couples work on doing research and perhaps even doing some couples therapy, before getting others involved.

As for someone else to date, if you want regular romance and sex, why date someone long distance? Wouldn't it be better to have a local partner for that? Your friend could be yet another partner, but unless you and they share flexible schedules and have plenty of money for travel, getting what you want or need from them would seem to be tricky and less than satisfying.

I don't see problems with dating friends, if both of you want to move it to that level. Lots of poly people prefer to be friends first, lovers second. The trick is, if the romantic part doesn't work out, being able to salvage the friendship.