New to poly-- failed triad

Do you know why she shut it down? It's hard to give advice without a little more context please.
 
QueenLotusDawn said:
I am lost, hurt and confused. I brought up me exploring polyamory by being open to dating and Sally completely and vehemently shut it down. I feel like I am going to lose my relationship over this. I really need some advice.
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I'm confused...Sally wants to date others but says no to you dating others? Why does she get special treatment?
 
Evie said:
Do you know why she shut it down? It's hard to give advice without a little more context please.
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She simply does not want me with anyone else and she feels I will leave her for someone else. She says that even tho the triad didn’t work I shouldn’t bring in a new energy or a new person. Basically she is being controlling and not open to the idea of me dating someone else.
 
Are things now over with Dolly completely?
 
Okay, so you and Sally have not mutually agreed to close your relationship. Therefore, there is no need for you to say you won't seek and date other people. Sally can own her fear about losing you if you date someone else. This is something for her to face and overcome. She doesn't get to control you in order to avoid self-growth.
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay, so you and Sally have not mutually agreed to close your relationship. Therefore, there is no need for you to say you won't seek and date other people. Sally can own her fear about losing you if you date someone else. This is something for her to face and overcome. She doesn't get to control you in order to avoid self-growth.
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I absolutely agree! She definitely wants it closed and Admittedly it’s hard for me because I have a fear of losing her as well. It would be much easier if there were some mutual understanding, having a conversation regarding boundaries or something, anything.
 
If she fears losing you then she won't break up with you....that would be her fear. If she breaks up with you, that means she wanted to control you and you didn't allow her to do that.
 
ref2018 said:
Sally does not *definitely* want it closed if she's still "figuring things out...to move forward" with Dolly. The only thing Sally *definitely* wants is your tits in a mason jar under the sink while keeping you in codependent fear of losing her.
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Right! She has no idea what polyamory really is
 
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very hurtful and confusing. You sound very in tune with yourself, trying to take credit for where miscommunications might have happened that you were involved with, giving room for people to have their choices. And yet you are trapped and unhappy. I hope you are able to feel better, free, more rights, no matter what the situation ends up being.
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very hurtful and confusing. You sound very in tune with yourself, trying to take credit for where miscommunications might have happened that you were involved with, giving room for people to have their choices. And yet you are trapped and unhappy. I hope you are able to feel better, free, more rights, no matter what the situation ends up being.
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Thank you for recognizing that. It feel validated ☺️☺️ That’s my hope for me as well and i know that I will have that feeling again
 
QueenLotusDawn said:
Thank you for recognizing that. It feel validated ☺️☺️ That’s my hope for me as well and i know that I will have that feeling again
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By the way, I can totally relate to being hot under the blankets!! I usually am asked to sleep in the middle when we three are sharing a bed. I have hot flashes! But I'm the best choice for the middle because Meow has a CPAP machine, and Sir gets up a lot with prostate issues to pee at night. So all night I sweat and flip the covers off, then get chilled and put them back on. LOL I'm trying to sell the idea of separate blankets for all haha
Good luck to you! You sound like a very nice thoughtful person
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
By the way, I can totally relate to being hot under the blankets!! I usually am asked to sleep in the middle when we three are sharing a bed. I have hot flashes! But I'm the best choice for the middle because Meow has a CPAP machine, and Sir gets up a lot with prostate issues to pee at night. So all night I sweat and flip the covers off, then get chilled and put them back on. LOL I'm trying to sell the idea of separate blankets for all haha
Good luck to you! You sound like a very nice thoughtful person
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Hahaha I hear you! I like the idea of separate blankets too lol. And Thank youuuu ☺️☺️
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
So all night I sweat and flip the covers off, then get chilled and put them back on. LOL I'm trying to sell the idea of separate blankets for all haha
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Yes! Do this! Throw blankets for all. I use a sheet (but I do live in Hawaii).

I couldn't handle them and eventually got on estrogen ring and my life is so much better. Look into it and see if it's right for you. I'll never go back.
 
Bobbi said:
Yes! Do this! Throw blankets for all. I use a sheet (but I do live in Hawaii).

I couldn't handle them and eventually got on estrogen ring and my life is so much better. Look into it and see if it's right for you. I'll never go back.
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I'm going to my doctor tomorrow already, I'll ask about it, Thanks!
 
Let me catch up today. You correct me if I get it wrong, okay?

You, Sally, and Dolly were in a poly triad, AND sharing group sex, AND trying to all sleep in the same bed. (Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It is a thing of its own.).

There are also lots of oversharing and sloppy hinging in this story. You caught that, right?

She told me about a lot of private conversations that she and Dolly were having about me and confirmed my feelings that since our last separation, she still wanted Sally to herself. Sally said a lot of things in regards to how she was noticing that Dolly was trying to come in between our relationship and have her to herself.
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When you experience Sally betraying Dolly's confidence and telling you private things like that, that belong in the (Sally + Dolly) dyad, do you ever worry that Sally is blabbing YOUR private things that belong in the (you + Sally) dyad to Dolly?

Does Sally ENJOY doing that? Having all the gossip and stirring the pot?

Is it SALLY who is trying to save herself, making it so you and Dolly are mad at each other and aren't talking, so that you don't compare notes and see Sally was telling each of you different stories and playing you off each other?

If Dolly really IS this awful and trying to rope Sally off for herself... why is Sally still picking out Dolly to date, rather than telling her NO, and breaking up with her, and just not bothering you with all this crap?

Recently we celebrated Dolly’s birthday with a very romantic weekend in a hotel. Our intimacy that weekend was very awkward. What happened was, Dolly had a conversation with Sally, expressing that she was not ready for the three of us to be intimate together. At the time, I was not aware of this conversation. While we were in the hotel room, Sally and I planned for all of us to be intimate. She told me to go put on my lingerie. So when Dolly came out of the bathroom, essentially we were there waiting for her. This was very awkward for Dolly.
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Eventually, you and Dolly broke up, and this became a poly V, with Sally as the hinge. Why were you in a hotel celebrating Dolly's birthday then? That could have been just the two of them.

And then Sally was trying to orchestrate group sex? What is WRONG with Sally? Dolly said no ahead of time. Sally knew it. So why is Sally keeping you in the dark about that, rather than telling you, "Actually no, let's not plan group sex."

Does Sally not understand consent, and how violating it felt for Dolly to have this sprung on her?

And also for you -- Sally is not telling you the truth. Sally wanting group sex is more important than how you or Dolly feel?

Did you tell your therapist all this happened?

I don’t see anything wrong with that either. But now Dolly is hurt and needs time, she says. Hopefully that will change, as Sally expresses to me that she is working to get her back to us.
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Why was Sally even doing that? It sounds like Sally's pressuring Dolly to do more than Dolly wants to do. Sally can't leave it ALONE, that you and Dolly broke up?

You and Dolly are NOT little dolls for Sally to move around in her play.

I am officially done with attempting any connection between Dolly and me. The two of them are still dating.
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I see that you are done with Dolly. You do not want to date her, or share any more sex or group sex with her. But what about Sally? Springing that on Dolly, when Dolly had said NO, and then using you like that when you didn't know that Dolly had said no... that feels really gross to me. How does it feel to you?

It seems like like you are so distracted with Dolly stuff, you aren't seeing that Sally hasn't been especially healthy here.

Are either of those two even healthy partners for you? I know it's tempting to blame it all on Dolly as "the newcomer," but some of the Sally things are ugh.


Basically, she is being controlling and not open to the idea of me dating someone else.
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You seem to see that Sally is being controlling, and wants a double standard. One where Sally can keep on dating Dolly, but you can't date a partner of your own. Can Dolly date another partner of their own, or does Sally wants to block Dolly from dating others also?

I think you get to say, "No, thank you. I do not want to change to closed. This is an open relationship. The triad broke up. It's now a poly V. You are dating other people. I am going to date also. Dolly can also date other people."

Why are you afraid of a break-up with Sally? I know all break-ups come with sadness... but if things are not okay here, isn't it more harmful to stay?

She simply does not want me with anyone else. She feels I will leave her for someone else.
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Sally doesn't worry about you dumping her over SALLY's behaviors, in order for you to be ALONE, and free from all this wacky of hers?

I would not want Dolly in our lives.
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Then I don't think you should agree to have Dolly stay at the (you + Sally) home until Dolly's apartment is done. Dolly can stay elsewhere. That's what Dolly would be doing if Dolly had never met either of you. So get on with it. She can find other friends to stay with, or a hotel, or whatever.

Go parallel poly. Call your interactions with Dolly done. You don't want to hear about that anymore. No dating her, no sharing sex with her, no being friends. Reduce it to basic polite manners, like you do with the bank teller-- pleasant enough in passing, but you don't really care what's going on with the bank teller in their personal life, and you don't hang out with them.

I think you have to think about whether or not you want SALLY in your life. She's done some really ugh things here.

Sally vocalized that she noticed past conversations where it seemed like Dolly may have been trying to triangulate and cause Sally to see me in a negative light
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Did you notice her complaining about Dolly? Basically, Sally is telling you that Dolly would try to turn Sally against you... and then took it back. Now why on earth would Sally share this? For what purpose?

How do you know Dolly even did that? Did you witness it? Did you ask Dolly if she did that? Is Sally telling lies?

I could be wrong in my impression, but a LOT of stuff here seems all hinky. :(

My partner and I discussed us both wanting to explore dating another woman. We'd both tried this in our last serious relationships, only for it to not work out.
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Dolly wasn't the first attempt. In looking back, were there hinky behaviors from Sally in the other attempts too? Orchestrating things, trying push people together, betraying confidences?

I hope your doc can help. I had to do HRT because my perimenopause hot flash crazy was SOOOO crazy. I was just on fire. I'm sorry you are dealing with that on top of these relationship struggles.

Would you be able to take a vacation on your own and get some rest and better sleep and a BREAK? Maybe you need to see what life is like without either one of them for a bit.

And while on vacation, you can reflect...
  • Would you be able to take a flat on your own, or with a roomie?
  • And date other people from your own place?
  • And decide if Sally still makes the cut for a healthy partner for you, or not, with the benefit of some distance and perspective from your own place?
  • You really won't have to deal in Dolly anymore if you live on your own. Sally can date Dolly at Sally's place.

Just think about it, feel it out, on vacation. Would some of that feel like RELIEF? Maybe when you get back from vacation you talk it out with your therapist in a private session. Nobody but you and your counselor have to know that you are trying some things on in your head.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
There are also lots of oversharing and sloppy hinging in this story. You caught that, right?
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I most definitely caught that!

GalaGirl said:
When you experience Sally betraying Dolly's confidence and telling you private things like that, that belong in the (Sally + Dolly) dyad, do you ever worry that Sally is blabbing YOUR private things that belong in the (you + Sally) dyad to Dolly?

Does Sally ENJOY doing that? Having all the gossip and stirring the pot?

Is it SALLY who is trying to save herself, making it so you and Dolly are mad at each other and aren't talking, so that you don't compare notes and see Sally was telling each of you different stories and playing you off each other?

If Dolly really IS this awful and trying to rope Sally off for herself... why is Sally still picking out Dolly to date, rather than telling her NO, and breaking up with her, and just not bothering you with all this crap?
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Let Sally tell it, she wants us all together. But now that I've ended things with Dolly, she no longer wants to try. In her words, she has accepted that this tryout will not work. I honestly can’t say or know if she enjoys this or not. But what I can say and what I do know is that she does this. She is messy and plays both sides. I feel that she is completely honest on both ends. I know they have had pillow talks about our relationship. That’s why Dolly feels comfortable enough to say anything negative about us. She is still choosing to date Dolly because she has her own inner child wounds, and lack of self-love, because that is the only reason that I can see why she would still continue to choose this woman, and I have told her this.
GalaGirl said:
You seem to see that Sally is being controlling, and wants a double standard. One where Sally can keep on dating Dolly, but you can't date a partner of your own. Can Dolly date another partner of their own, or does Sally wants to block Dolly from dating others also?
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Yes, she does not want either of us dating other people. Her rationale is that we found her together so we can’t go out and find someone solo, which I know is totally against what polyamory is, as far as being consensual and equitable. I do feel that out of the three of us, I am the only person that is truly ready and my heart, mind and soul are for poly. They are not.
GalaGirl said:
Why are you afraid of a break-up with Sally? I know all break-ups come with sadness... but if things are not okay here, isn't it more harmful to stay?
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Not afraid to, just simply not ready to. I am still hopeful, and that could have a lot to do with what Sally tells me and the assurance she gives me. She could be blowing smoke up my ass, but I’m also very aware and not blind to what’s going on.
GalaGirl said:
Sally doesn't worry about you dumping her over SALLY's behaviors, in order for you to be ALONE, and free from all this wacky of hers?
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Oh yes, she’s afraid!
GalaGirl said:
Then I don't think you should agree to have Dolly stay at the (you + Sally) home until Dolly's apartment is done. Dolly can stay elsewhere. That's what Dolly would be doing if Dolly had never met either of you. So get on with it. She can find other friends to stay with, or a hotel, or whatever.

Go parallel poly. Call your interactions with Dolly done. You don't want to hear about that anymore. No dating her, no sharing sex with her, no being friends. Reduce it to basic polite manners, like you do with the bank teller-- pleasant enough in passing, but you don't really care what's going on with the bank teller in their personal life, and you don't hang out with them.

I think you have to think about whether or not you want SALLY in your life. She's done some really ugh things here.
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Thankfully, Dolly was able to stay with a friend, so that was not an issue. As far as everything else going parallel, I agree. And yes, there are always things to think about and consider. She has agreed to couple's therapy and I've found a queer, black, polyamorous woman therapist. We are working out schedules to begin therapy. I’m looking to bring some healing to our relationship and for her.
GalaGirl said:
Dolly wasn't the first attempt. In looking back, were there hinky behaviors from Sally in the other attempts too? Orchestrating things, trying push people together, betraying confidences?
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Now that I think about it, yes.. you have a point there.

I will be going to see my best friend soon, which I am excited for.
 
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